reignofevil posted:

I wanna film a buddy cop movie with Will Smith and Jared Leto and the villains will be the power combo of Kevin Hart and Your Psychologist Who Prescribed The Calm Down Pills.

EorayMel posted:

Banned for homeloan

EorayMel posted:

Banned for homeloan

EorayMel posted:

Banned for homeloan

EorayMel posted:

Banned for homeloan

EorayMel posted:

Banned for homeloan

Vincent Van Goatse posted:

Far as I can tell I got it from drinking like nine large mugs of sugary tea daily over an extended period. My doctor was shocked how quickly my abnormally high uric acid levels dropped after I gave up the habit and went back to black coffee.

EorayMel posted:

Banned for homeloan

Itchy_Grundle posted:

Same here. But since they made us wear ear plug cases on our BDUs it couldn't be claimed.

Punished Ape posted:

Were they those defective ear plugs?

Wasabi the J posted:

What?

Volmarias posted:

WERE THEY THOSE DEFECTIVE EAR PLUGS?

bulletsponge13 posted:

No, I don't want any dead slugs.

The Wicked ZOGA posted:

no, this is the thread for funny quotes

Hyperlynx posted:

I'm glad the canned have-it-all no longer contains indigenous human being. That always bothered me.

Dameius posted:

Found another one that doesn't belong.

Inceltown posted:

It would have just been an unfunny post if you didn't quote it though so you're part of the problem.

Absurd Alhazred posted:

Those who can't post, quote.

Mix. posted:

i dont have a problem.

Silhouette posted:

37 decks?

In a row?

Batterypowered7 posted:

TRY NOT TO BUILD ANOTHER DECK ON YOUR WAY TO THE PARKING LOT!

EorayMel posted:

Banned for homeloan

rodbeard posted:

Jaded Mensa Op posted:

So yeah I actually know, honestly I know a bunch of poo poo about aliens, and I’ll share some poo poo over the next few days but I gotta tell you up front that the aliens kinda suck rear end, like don’t be surprised if you find some of this, like, anti-climatic. For starters I don't get why they just started talking about this poo poo now since they’ve known about em (aliens) for a long time. I mean I think Mensa Ops was like officially told about em a few years back, but we, like as humans we started really like dialoguing or whatever about fifteen years ago, and I guess they were around for a while even before that.

And I actually knew about em a while before most people around here because my roommate Cully was in a bunch of meetings with scientists and poo poo talking about em, and then we'd go out for drinks and he'd tell me all about em. Which I told him that he’s probably not supposed to do, but he doesn’t care. The thing is, he wasn't technically like part of the meeting itself, he was like the IT guy running the PowerPoint, but also stuff, like, helping the scientists out with the Wi-Fi and poo poo. Because like these scientist guys are, y’know, very intelligent but they're also, like, pretty old, generally speaking, and just like not the most in touch with technology, I guess.

Which is funny because in the meetings they talk about all this crazy advanced technology stuff, but they don't know poo poo about like what we have now. Like Cully says this one guy came in from out of town for this big director’s meeting, like this intelligence meeting down on G, and Cully said he brought like his whole computer down there on this little, like, furniture dolly, like this big old-school beige-rear end tower, and the keyboard and this big monitor, and like this little duffel bag of cords and poo poo.

Which is like, okay you really like your computer, I get it I guess, weird but OK. Come to find that he brought it because he, like, didn't know that laptops even existed. Cully said he, like, didn't even really believe they were real until Cully was basically like, “Look, I’m not bullshitting you!” and just showed him these little Thinkpads or whatever that all the other scientists had. And the guy’s like, “whooooaaaa…”, like this is blowing this guy’s mind in real time.

So Cully gets him a laptop, like, for him to have for his own. And then the whole meeting that they’re all supposed to be talking about alien poo poo, the whole time he’s dicking around with the laptop! And like, nobody cared or asked him to pay attention. And I mean, Cully wasn’t gonna say anything, he’s in charge of the Powerpoint.

The really funny thing about those meetings, though, is there’s all this huffing and puffing about how it’s like super classified Top Secret whatever, but honestly they don't do poo poo about security around here. Like, Cully’s not even really the guy that's supposed to be doing the IT poo poo in the first place, he just trades shifts with this other guy all the time because he likes this girl over on that side of the base near the IT room. But I guess the scientists or whatever either don't know that or they don’t care, because when the meeting’s over he can just fuckin walk right out the door with the USB drive or disc or whatever the Powerpoint and poo poo was stored on.

And he and I will go down to this, like, big room down on sublevel D we found, this big, like, nautically-themed conference room Cully found last year when the power went out and he got lost. It's fuckin cool, like the whole room is basically shaped like this big seashell carved out of the rock, and there's all these waterfalls and poo poo that don't hardly work anymore. Honestly I don't even think anybody that room's down there at all. So some nights we roll down there and we put the USB up on this projector and chill on these fuckin big ole starfish pillows and spark a joint and go through all this alien and UFO poo poo as long as we want.

And, like, as long as he brings the USB drive back the next day, nobody cares, I guess. Which seems kinda hosed up to me, y’know? That seems like dereliction of duty or whatever, for whoever’s in charge of that stuff.

Anyway I don't know how long the government has known there are aliens out there, but I do know that “first contact” or whatever, like the first formal greeting happened in 2009 when they just dropped in on this guy's house. It’s funny because you think it would be like a flying saucer on the White House lawn, or some, like, dramatic appearance on a mountain somewhere or something, but they just, like, showed up on his back patio, basically.

And it's weird because he wasn't even important, or some scientist like the laptop guy, he was like some middle-manager guy who was just having some friends over for a Twilight watch party on his big TV, because Twilight was like coming out on Blu-Ray or whatever. And I guess the aliens knew about it or heard about it and they just decided that was, like, just generally a meeting place, so...they just, like, basically walked there I guess, just walked into this guy’s backyard in the middle of Twilight.

And nobody found out about it or anything because there were only like three other people there and they were all from the same office, like I guess either the guy didn't have any friends, or he didn't know anybody that wanted to watch Twilight on Blu-Ray, probably like, both, to be frank. Not to be a dick about it, but that’s, like, the most likely explanation.

But what's honestly kinda hosed up about it is that now the aliens fuckin absolutely love Twilight, like it represents important poo poo to them. Not, like, the franchise or whatever. Not, like, the concept of vampires or werewolves or whatever, either, like I guess they don't give a poo poo about the other movies in the series, apparently, is what I heard. Like it’s specifically that movie because of what it… symbolizes, I guess, like what they associate with the meeting of our two species. Which is pretty hosed up because y’know, Twilight and that franchise are not considered great movies. I’m not saying that because I don’t like em, like I think that’s pretty much the majority opinion on that poo poo.

Anyway I guess the scientists and poo poo were pretty nervous for a while that the aliens were gonna turn out to be vampire aliens or werewolf aliens, like these little freaks were watching Twilight multiple times a day for awhile and like always talking about it or whatever, so for a while the scientists were evidently like, “they’re probably also werewolves or vampires.” Because Cully found this old, like old-school Powerpoint preso that actually has a whole section of the presentation, like literally a whole section of slides talking about the XENOVAMPIRIC THREAT and like the XENOLYCANTHROPIC THREAT MATRIX, with all these little graphs and poo poo. Like some poor intern actually had to come up with that and put together a presentation on that poo poo, somebody probably spent like several hours putting that together. And then it turns out they just think very highly of that movie, like the only reason they give a gently caress about vampires is because they were on some guy’s TV that night. Which is, y’know, I find that sort of thing very interesting from, like, a historical perspective, but it’s also kinda hosed up.

Honestly when Cully first told me that poo poo a few years back we were down in sub-D passing a joint around with a couple fellas, and Cully was pretty wasted and was just being pretty tough on the ole Twilight guy honestly, not just the whole, like, Twilight aspect, but the whole idea of having a watch party at all, which he seemed to think was really stupid for some reason. But then I reminded him that we were kind of having a watch party ourselves? With these Powerpoints and poo poo he was bringing back from the meetings? I mean minus the vampires and poo poo it’s fundamentally similar circumstances. And Cully is typically a dick about, like, learning moments, but to his credit or whatever, he's like, “Daaaaamnn, that’s a really good point!” And basically totally stopped being a dick to the guy, like, on the spot.

Which is nice, y’know, to see that people can change a little. I feel like his mind got opened up a little bit in that moment, maybe not as much as the guy finding out about laptops, and definitely not as much as the aliens bumping into Twilight when they crashed that party, but I feel like it’s in the same ballpark, like, cognitively speaking. Y’know?

D-Pad posted:

Holy poo poo JMO is back

Showed up in the UFO thread in GBS. The account says registered in 2003 so I assume it's the original but it doesn't have any post history. A forums treasure from way back in the day.

Penguin Patrol posted:

I got banned from tinder and they won't tell me why. Boooo. Had a date planned with someone Thursday night but we hadn't exchanged numbers. I only know their general neighborhood and that they have to leave for work at 6am, so I spent a couple hours tonight walking around putting up some missed connection signs at possible subway stations. I'm not confident they'll stay up long enough. It's ok though. The walk was nice and it felt like one one of those classic NYC adventures you hear about. I evaded some cops at one point, it was cool.

(USER WAS BANNED FOR THIS POST)

(USER WAS PUT ON PROBATION FOR THIS POST)

(USER WAS PERMABANNED FOR THIS POST)

TheWeedNumber posted:

Penguin Patrol posted:

Naw I just hate having them think I ghosted them. I knew their neighborhood and schedule because they told me lol. We were gonna meet somewhere around there, but we never locked down a place. It's a real bummer.

Penguin Patrol posted:

I almost talked myself out of it last night, but one of my other partners convinced me it could work and came with me for half the walk. Does that make it more or less weird? I suppose they know my vibes better than a bunch of internet strangers.

No idea why I decided to tell this story in this thread. Vibes were good with us and the sign is a benign one with no personal information, but I had to realize how this would come off. At the very least, I'm glad to have given y'all something to rally against. I'll take my roasting.

change my name posted:

Congrats, I now can make an educated guess about what part of Brooklyn you live in

Pope Corky the IX posted:

My other partners were just left out of the original story, posting flyers too.

Pablo Nergigante posted:

Endorph posted:

yeah i got banned from tinder and have no idea why. i just wore a skinsuit in their image made from chicken corpses and plastic and came into the office they worked at with a gun and fired two into the ceiling and then held up the puzzlecube from hellraiser and said I HAVE SUCH PLEASURES TO SHOW YOU, MY DEAR. pretty normal. my queerplatonic lifepartner helped me make the suit.

Pope Corky the IX posted:

I just realized that it's "possible subway stations" plural. How loving long was this walk?

opposable thumbs.db posted:

Gonna go around town posting flyers telling the other person to sign up for an account so that they can tell us exactly what PP said that caused them to report PP.

Centzon Totochtin posted:

My "not a psycho" flyers are raising a lot of questions already answered by my flyers

Fluffdaddy posted:

I upgraded to a perma because the barrage of PMs made my skin crawl and they couldn't even fathom how creepy this was.

pandy fackler posted:

how could it be creepy it was polycule approved

Inexplicable Humblebrag posted:

banner ads will now start showing up to get fluffdaddys attention

Absurd Alhazred posted:

The Something Awful Forums > Main > Post Your Favorite: Derail Valley > Funny Forum Quotes: how could it be creepy it was polycule approved

Inceltown posted:

I do like this but not enough to replace the ferret inflation one sorry.

SimonChris posted:

OP was a mod, too.

cock hero flux posted:

coffee also reduces the risk of gout, funnily enough

Volmarias posted:

An exec has put up this really neat sculpture made out of rebar and wrought iron or something. It's some kind of 8 pointed star or sailing ship wheel. We aren't sure because whenever anyone asks about it, they tell us that we'll know all about it soon enough and that Big Changes are coming.

Maybe it's a Banksy?

knox_harrington posted:

Just an Event Horizon type portal, nothing for you to worry about.

Atopian posted:

We won't need KPIs where we're going.

bobthebitch posted:

Somebody HAS to have some advice for this but me and some of my closest friends notice we "just don't get that high anymore" and we fear it might be because we've smoked too much. I know I haven't been a stoner that long and I've tapered off since. It killlls me that I can't smoke a joint and get REAL STUPID or have a high last more than 1-2 hours. Yes, it still makes my gourmet endeavors more enjoyable but I don't want to get fat, I want to get RIPPED! I want to laugh until my cheeks are beet red and my gut kind of hurts, but I won't know until the next morning, and then have ridiculous conversations I normally wouldn't consider having. I want zombie movies to entertain AND frighten the poo poo out of me like they used to. Please, somebody, help!

bobthebitch posted:

^ Yeah, I suppose that's pretty much the plan of action. It's back to being a straight kid until the end of semester.



Everyone's so good with the blows here. Putting my faith in the brilliance of long-time stoners, I was actually wondering if perhaps anyone had any advice besides what's obvious, i.e. stop for long long time, do varried fun stuff, and "well gee, it's never as good as the first few times. ARE YOU THAT DUMB??". My bad for not being on these boards for enough years to hate newcomers as much as some seem to. Oi-fuckin-vey, whatta misunderstanding.

(USER WAS PUT ON PROBATION FOR THIS POST)

bobthebitch posted:

Shadowstar's "aww poor guy..." is what I found pretty unecessary. Sorry, I don't usually have copious amounts of time to spend "lurking" before I post (I'm currently on reading week). A friend got me the account around x-mas and I come to check out the boards once in a while and I've never seen a "how do I deal with this tolerance bullshit?" thread before. Don't know how I missed it if it's so popular but I did. What also gets my goat is all the posters who keep telling me to grow some will power or high-fiving eachother for flaming me. I've taken breaks, I said I've taken breaks, more people tell me to take a week break after I've stated my situation and then people go off on the "bitch, what's your problem? you're stupid if you can't take some good advice. Stop complaining." tirade. Am I taking this out on everyone who gave me advice? No, just everyone who gets snippy for no good reason. I'm not a knowledgeable pot smoker and I figure besides what I've read (and yeah, I do read the links people have posted) and what I already know I figure there's no harm in asking incase there's something I may have missed. Harmless mistake.

But anyway, I do appreciate those out there who've given me something besides attitude.

(USER WAS BANNED FOR THIS POST)

EorayMel posted:

I won't stand for that "just don't get that high" poo poo

Zulily Zoetrope posted:

i thought reefer enthusiasts were supposed to be chill

change my name posted:

As written, there's no way to block Sending short of antimagic stuff (though personally I'd also rule that a Ring of Thought Shielding would do it). Which also means you could potentially go really dark with it if you wanted

whydirt posted:

As written, there’s no way for PCs to take a dump either

Base Emitter posted:

Finally, an opportunity to post my compendium of house rules

well-read undead posted:

you know, a peripheral like the power glove or power pad, only it would have games like Super Knee Groin and Dick Sucking Tournament

Beve Stuscemi posted:

well-read undead posted:

Dick Sucking Tournament

good to see your moms game dev studio is getting off the ground.

well-read undead posted:

i wouldn’t say “getting off the ground” is exactly accurate

Facebook Aunt posted:

Arivia posted:

Qualith is still a thing in 5e, so you could send 25 words that are literally just a carrier for a cognitohazard. Just blast all of Waterdeep with the image of Elminster’s hairy old rear end pounding away at bear Mystra or something.