|
Jim bakes Dwight a cake and writes “JI’m sorrey” in frosting. He presents it to Dwight with a big hangdog expression and isn’t happy until Dwight hosts a small “new leaf” party where everyone eats a slice. The cake tastes bad; not because Jim put anything weird or gross in it as a prank, but because he’s barely capable of doing anything without loving it up.
|
#
?
Sep 13, 2023 17:09
|
|
|
|
| # ? May 31, 2024 13:45 |
|
|
Jim - always up to date with new pop culture phenomena - starts to cook meth in the Dunder Mifflin warehouse. Since the only chemistry he knows is from TV he only produces thick black smoke and bad odor. Unfortunately for the rest of the office workers this is not actually punishable by law and Jim continues unabated. Dwight develops pneumoconiosis within days and has to spend the next year in and out of hospital. Jim tries to mug the camera but can't find it through the smoke.
|
|
#
?
Sep 13, 2023 18:55
|
|
|
Jim keeps saying “Smooth move, Ex-Lax!” and mugging the camera anyone does literally anything in the office.
|
|
#
?
Sep 13, 2023 19:06
|
|
|
Jim and Dwight are sitting at their desks preparing for tomorrow's trial when they hear the distinct sound of hooves outside. Rushing to the window they see a garishly decorated carriage being driven by 4 white horses. The carriage stops in the parking lot and Charles Miner steps out. He looks up at the window and makes eye contact with Jim. Jim stumbles backwards, trips over himself, and crashes into a trash can next to the printer. Charles continues staring upwards, this time shifting his gaze to Dwight. For the first time ever, Dwight feels his blood chill at the sight of a man he used to look up to. Charles looks away, stone-faced, and heads into the office. "Dwight, we're hosed," Jim says in a quivering, terror-filled voice. "They got C-C-Charles to prosecute me? He's going to destroy us in court, buddy. Listen, you don't have to represent me any more, okay? You're free to go. I don't want to ruin your career with this whole thing. You've... you've been nothing but kind to me throughout all of this. More than that, you've been kind to me throughout years of pranks. I... I don't deserve a friend like you." Jim begins to cry now and Dwight realizes that, perhaps for the first time in Jim's life, these are real tears. Dwight places a strong hand upon his shoulder and tells him this trial hasn't even started yet. Jim smiles weakly and then goes back to his desk just as Charles Miner steps in. "Well, if it isn't my favorite branch of the company! Unfortunately, at least for some people," with that, Miner again directs his smoldering gaze towards Jim, "that I'm here on such... serious business. But don't worry, we'll be done with all that unpleasantness tomorrow and we can get back to selling paper! Now then, I took the liberty of ordering a catered lunch for everyone. There's a box with everyone's name on it, go on and take your lunch. Yes, even you, Jim. I hope you can tear yourself away for 30 minutes to enjoy your... heh... last meal." Jim sadly walks to the break room with Dwight right behind him. They look through the stacks of boxes for their names. Jim does, indeed, have a lunch but there's a large loogie that's been coughed onto the sandwich. "Oh my," says Charles Miner, who has seemingly teleported behind Jim in an instant. "Sorry about that. Here, take Ryan's lunch. I didn't have time to cancel the order before I heard about his terrible accident. Of course, it wasn't REALLY an accident was it, Jim? Or are you still acting like you're innocent here?" Charles shoves Ryan's boxed lunch in Jim's hands and then turns to Dwight. "Dwight. I'm disappointed. Not that long ago we had you earmarked for some big things in this company. Big things that come with a big salary, a big corner office, and a big fancy title. But now? Dwight, my friend, you're really making us rethink our position on you. Don't let Jim's foolishness ruin two lives tomorrow, okay?" Dwight walks away without a word, sitting back at his desk and eating his lunch without tasting a thing. He looks over at Jim, who is greedily scarfing down Ryan's lunch. Ryan's lunch. Dwight asks Jim what Charles had said before about Ryan's lunch. Jim, between mouthfuls of turkey sandwich, says that they didn't have time to cancel the order before hearing about the accident. Jim's eyes bug out the moment those words leave his lips. "Wait a minute, why did he have the order in BEFORE Ryan got attacked? Dwight... does this mean what I think it means?" Almost on cue, Toby appears and ushers Dwight away, telling him that he has an important HR manner to discuss. He leads him to the office stairwell. "Dwight. Listen. Let's just say Jim gets fired tomorrow and he didn't do that prank. Does it... does it really matter in the grand scheme of things? Look at all the horrible things Jim has done for decades now. He should have been fired a dozen times over, heck, he should be in jail. But now, this one PERFECT thing happens and Jim's going to get fired for it. And maybe you have your doubts about what really happened. Hey, that's fine. But tomorrow, Charles Miner is going to prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that Jim pranked Ryan. Jim will be fired, nobody will miss him, and things around here will finally go back to normal. So, really, where's the harm in any of this?" Dwight lays out Toby with a powerful right hook, sending him tumbling to the floor. Toby, blood flowing from his nose, stands up with rage filling his face. "You'll be next, Dwight. You could have just played along, but no. You had to start poking around. Well, it doesn't matter. Not after tomorrow. You see, it turns out Ryan had his webcam running when he got attacked. I've seen the footage and it's pretty damning. Jim even mugs for the camera at the end. Unfortunately I've already handed it over to Charles, so you may have a difficult time reviewing it before the trial tomorrow." Filled with rage, Dwight stomps back into the office and walks up to Charles, demanding to see the footage of Jim attacking Ryan. Charles looks at him with a sly grin. "Sure, sure. But Dwight, you seem nervous. Do you perhaps already know what's on this tape? Are you a little nervous that Jim might have lied to you, just like he always does?" Still grinning, Charles brings up the file on his cell phone and hands it to Dwight. The footage is, indeed, damning. Ryan's webcam records him at his desk, typing away. Suddenly, Jim begins to rise up in the background, almost flat against the wall. He raises a jell-o covered stapler in his hand and then brings it down on the back of Ryan's head multiple times. Ryan falls to the ground, outside of the view of the camera, before Jim leans in to the camera and mugs. Jim then walks off camera and the footage ends. Dwight, hands shaking, hands the phone back to Charles Miner. "Good luck tomorrow, Dwight. And I am sorry that this turned out just to be another 'fun' prank for Jim to play on you. You're far too trusting, Dwight. That's a weakness you should have gotten rid of long ago. That'll be reflected on your year-end evaluation, of course." Dwight walks away from Charles feeling utterly defeated. He sits down at his desk and picks at the remains of his ham sandwich. Jim looks over at him. "Dwight? Is everything okay?" Next time: The Trial: The Case of the Purloined Prank
|
|
#
?
Sep 14, 2023 13:25
|
|
|
crouched in the corner of the room, jim extends a long, frog-like tongue and plunges it into dwight's trouser pocket, making dwight's wallet all moist and unpleasant
|
|
#
?
Sep 14, 2023 13:29
|
|
|
Jim finds his old NES in his basement again and in a wave of nostalgia decides to play through the entire Castlevania series of games. He goes to work again half a week later - giving jury duty as the reason for his absence, not that anyone asks or cares. Proud that his lie was accepted he says to himself loud enough for Dwight to hear: "What is a man? A miserable pile of secrets." Dwight - a bit of a nerd in his childhood - recognizes the quote and chuckles a bit. This makes Jim even prouder and he smiles ear to ear. Unfortunately Jim then starts to talk almost exclusively in variations of this quote: "what is a mountain? A miserable pile of rocks." when Toby talks about his hiking vacation, "what is a computer? A miserable pile of electrons." when he starts his computer, "what is a car? A miserable pile of metal." when Dwight mentions his Trans-Am and so on and so on. On the second day Dwight pulls out his hair and starts to scream uncontrollably. "What is a nervous breakdown? A miserable pile of induced stress." quips Jim while mugging the camera.
|
|
#
?
Sep 14, 2023 19:03
|
|
|
I bet Charles printed out a cardboard cutout of Jim and told Toby to prank Ryan with it and the stapler in Jello
|
|
#
?
Sep 14, 2023 19:17
|
|
|
Jim gets a new pair of shoes that squeak horribly on the office floors. He notices that the high-pitched sound greatly annoys Dwight’s sensitive ears so he purposefully walks around in an exaggerated manner to make the squeaking noise as loudly and as much as possible.
|
|
#
?
Sep 14, 2023 19:22
|
|
|
Inexplicable Humblebrag posted:jim darts across the office and, lashing out with the speed of a striking cobra, sinks his index finger into dwight's rear end in a top hat, up to the knuckle jim darts across the office and, lashing out with the speed of a striking cobra, sinks his entire body into dwight's rear end in a top hat, up to his tennis shoes
|
|
#
?
Sep 14, 2023 19:31
|
|
|
Nigmaetcetera posted:jim darts across the office and, lashing out with the speed of a striking cobra, sinks his entire body into dwight's rear end in a top hat, up to his tennis shoes jim darts across the office and, lashing out with the speed of a striking cobra, sinks the water cooler, 3 filing cabinets and a desk into dwight's rear end in a top hat, up to a Herman Miller chair.
|
|
#
?
Sep 15, 2023 01:45
|
|
|
Jim mugs at a camera that isn’t there, Dwight asks what he’s doing, the cameras left years ago. Jim turns around slowly, still mugging. Mugging harder. Unnerved, Dwight turns away. The lights go out. Everything gets quiet, but somehow Dwight knows Jim is still mugging. Kevin stumbles by and knocks over the office plant, spilling soil everywhere. In the dark, Jim crawls onto the soil, rolling around in it, mugging. Last Chance fucked around with this message at 02:17 on Sep 15, 2023 |
|
#
?
Sep 15, 2023 02:09
|
|
|
"dwight," announced jim one day, "things have become too complicated, we need to get back to basics." jim then throws a bucket of bleach and a bucket of potassium hydroxide at dwight.
|
|
#
?
Sep 15, 2023 02:15
|
|
|
"dwight," announced jim one day, "things have become too complicated, we need to get back to basics." Jim encases Dwight in jell-o
|
|
#
?
Sep 15, 2023 02:17
|
|
|
"dwight," announced jim one day, "things have become too complicated, we need to get back to basics." dwight, wearing stretch pants, uggs, a matching sweater, a pony tail and holding a pumpkin spice latte says, "ok boomer"
|
|
#
?
Sep 15, 2023 02:29
|
|
|
dwight wakes up encased in jello ad struggles to free himself. gasping for breath as he breaks the surface he squeezes his eyes shut in pain, "why do my eyes hurt?" "because you've never used them before," say a visibly thinner jim, hand outstretched
|
|
#
?
Sep 15, 2023 02:31
|
|
|
Dwight asks Jim to please use the bathroom before they go on a road trip to visit several important clients, so Jim throws himself to the ground kicking, screaming, and crying that he doesn’t need to go.
|
|
#
?
Sep 15, 2023 03:04
|
|
|
dwight, made acting manager for the day because michael dropped some hot bacon on his foot and stayed home, approaches jim as he slumps in his chair surfing the internet. "jim, i have a very important duty for you." without looking up jim mumbles through his hand, "you can't send me to another country, dwight. or another state, or order me to crawl into anything." dwight looks at the camera guiltily and clears his throat, "no, i need you to team up with creed to plan merideth's birthday party." jim ceased his browsing and stands, placing his hands into his pockets he slightly dances from foot to foot, "ok one, dwight: creed? are we running that low on ideas? two: is that how you spell merideth? it'll be important for the cake. and three: creed?" dwight's demeanor shifts as he leans in, anticipating a fight he wants to come off as strong as possible, "we built that chore wheel together, jim, and we agreed to abide by the chore hat before deferring to the chore bucket," dwight whispers stridently. snapping back upright, dwight returns to his normal tone, "the chore wheel has spoken jim, go help creed." turning 90 degrees dwight closes the door to his acting office respectfully but firmly, "CLICK!" he shouts through the door because it has no lock. jim deadpans the camera and then looks toward creed, the camera follows suit and finds creed at his desk which is covered completely by a large plant. his hands buried even deeper in his pockets, with long, slow, looping steps, jim approaches creed's desk, "hey, creed?" he calls. creed spins in his chair, there is a twig in his hair that didn't come from the plant that covers his desk, "yo, hambone! you ready to plan a party for mij?" jim sighs and shakes his head at the camera. he turns back to creed "who's mij-" his face contorts as his eyes and mouth open wide, wider than any human could. an unholy howl erupts from deep in his lungs as winds buffet the office, filling the air with paper and office supplies. creed dives through the plant to grab his phone. kevin and oscar pull angela towards the breakroom as stanley and phyllis huddle together behind their desks. dwight stands, his hands bracing himself in his temporary doorway, an unmistakable look of pride shining across his face. merideth sneaks a drink as creed shouts "it's happening again!!" into the receiver. jim turns his attention to dwight and the shriek stops, and the winds die. there is a moment of heavy silence before jim explodes into healthy droplets of blood that splash to the floor. the space where jim used to be seems to hold its breath before jim, naked and coated in blood, pops into existence in the center of the blood splatter. the entire building shudders as if shrugging off the world and the sprinkler system pops showing the office with freezing water. when the water hits jim he has enough tie to flinch before dwight wraps his arms around him, his face painted across with a grin, tears streaming down his face, "JIM!!" he shouts taking turns squeezing his friend close and grasping jim's shoulders at arm's length. jim flinches and startles at dwight, his eyes fill with fear. finally a dam breaks and jim starts to sob as well, hugging and grasping at dwight. the rest of the office starts to creep closer to the wailing pair, both now wailing and hugging, covered in blood and water and tears. "jim?" asks pam, her voice heartbreaking and full of hope at the back of the crowd, "jim?" the rest of the office parts to clear a path and look back at pam, her hands twisting. jim tenses at her voice, he hugs dwight one last time, nods at him, and turns to face his wife.
|
|
#
?
Sep 15, 2023 03:23
|
|
|
Jim replaces the zipper in Dwight’s pants with a faulty zipper that doesn’t catch. When Dwight returns from the men’s room, Jim points out that his fly is down. Dwight zips himself up only to watch the zipper drop back down again. Panicking, Dwight begins pulling the zipper up and down rapidly, trying to make it work properly. Jim points at Dwight, laughing “Hey everyone! Look! Dwight’s jerking off!”
|
|
#
?
Sep 15, 2023 03:27
|
|
|
Jim turns Dwight’s shirt inside out and backwards, inadvertently kicking off a critical retro reevaluation of Kris Kross
|
|
#
?
Sep 15, 2023 03:55
|
|
|
Jim replaces Dwight’s tie with a boa constrictor
|
|
#
?
Sep 15, 2023 11:41
|
|
|
BAGS FLY AT NOON posted:Jim replaces Dwight’s tie with a boa constrictor "Now that's what I call a tight knot", Jim mugs to the camera.
|
|
#
?
Sep 15, 2023 14:33
|
|
|
Dwight rolls out of the bed before the sunrise. He tossed and turned all night, totally unable to sleep. He walks out to the front porch with a cup of coffee in his hand. There's a low lying mist hanging over the beet fields on this crisp September morning. The heat wave of the last few weeks has finally let up, thankfully. Dwight takes a sip of coffee and stands there, silently, as the sun begins to peek over the horizon. Unable to relax, Dwight ends up driving to work extremely early, telling himself that he's just going to do a last minute review of his notes for the trial. But when he gets to the office, Jim is already there. Jim has put some effort into his appearance today, tucking in his shirt and tying his tie correctly. He smiles at Dwight but looks extremely nervous. In fact, Dwight thinks it looks as if Jim might have been crying. "H-hey there Balloon Boy. Listen, if things go bad today I just... I wanna confess something. You're my only friend, Dwight. My only friend ever. I was a quiet kid growing up, and my brothers picked on me pretty much constantly. I wasn't really a LONELY kid, but I think that was mostly because I didn't understand what loneliness was. But... but I think I understand loneliness now, because I'm imagining a world where we can't see each other any more. God, listen to me, it's like I'm... well, anyway, we better get ready. Wouldn't wanna be late for my last day of work, huh?" Dwight hugs Jim in the empty parking lot of Dunder Mifflin for a very, very long time. The conference room has been transformed into a simple courtroom. In the center of the room sits a desk where Toby, acting as judge, will lay down his final ruling on the case. Next to him is the witness stand. And facing all of this is a simple table and chairs, where Dwight and Charles Miner will sit and spar over the facts of the case. "No jury, huh? What is this," Jim asks with a laugh, "Judge Dredd or something? More like... eh... never mind. I'm not really feeling it today." A few moments later Charles Miner strides into the office with a small suitcase. A smile is on his face, he practically oozes confidence. Shortly after this, Toby awkwardly steps inside and takes his place at the front of the "court room". He bangs a gavel and the trial begins. Charles outlines his series of events; explaining that Jim snuck into Ryan's office, hit him with a gelatin-encased stapler, then mugged for the camera. Dwight counters this, saying that there's no actual evidence that Jim did this. With that, Charles lets out a small chuckle. "Oh? Is that so, Dwight? Strange you say that, as we have actual video footage of Jim performing his little... act. It turns out that Ryan's webcam was turned on Let's just watch that footage, what do you say?" Jim nervously shifts in his seat as Kelly wheels in a television. She blushes as Charles smiles at her, then starts to play the footage. It remains as damning as it was the day before - it seems to reveal the entire crime and Jim even mugs for the camera. In fact, Jim appears to be mugging the entire time. Charles smiles as the footage ends, then takes a theatrical bow. "I think that about puts a bow on this, doesn't it? Toby, would you like to -" Dwight cuts him off with a loud yell of "OBJECTION!" He reminds Charles that this isn't over yet, as Jim should be allowed to testify here. "Really, Dwight? You're going to let Jim testify? Fine. But you have no one to blame but yourself when he reveals this has all been a massive prank on you." Dwight audibly gulps, then looks at Jim. Jim is mugging at him. Jim quickly catches himself, turning the mug into a warm smile. "Dwight? You ready for me to go up there? Sorry about the mug, I uh... I do that when I'm nervous." With Jim on the stand, Dwight asks him to explain where he was during the time that Ryan could have been attacked. According to the video, it happened at 2 am. Does Jim have an alibi for that time? "Uh... well... sort of. I don't... uh... hmmm. Can Charles, uh, leave the room? I get kinda nervous with him around. And he might... he might get angry if I say this." Charles tells Jim to continue, he's very eager to hear what comes next. And, of course, to disprove it. Jim gulps audibly and continues. "So, back in 2009 Charles asked me for a rundown. And, long story short, it's taken me a little while to put it together. But every night I've been working on it. Y'know, after work and after pranks and stuff. But it's almost done, I swear to God, if I had one more night I could get it done!" Charles is aghast at this, but Dwight begins to feel his confidence rising. He asks Jim if he has any proof that he was working on the rundown, and Jim thinks for a moment before saying that he does - he purchased a gallon of orange juice at the grocery store near his house at 1:30 am. In fact, he still has the receipt. "For taxes" he adds with a smile before presenting the receipt. Miner looks bothered for a moment, then composes himself. "All this proves is that SOMEONE bought that gallon of orange juice. Your wife perhaps? Your children? It proves nothing, Jim, except that you planned this prank well enough to create a false alibi." Jim looks nervous and begins to stutter, Charles' voice cutting through him like a knife. Toby looks content and Dwight worries that the case is lost. Then, he thinks of something. Something that, unfortunately, may hurt his blooming friendship with Jim. But, ultimately, something that will keep him from getting fired. He calls Pam as a witness and asks her if she helped Jim with this prank. "No. I'd never help him with a prank. For God's sake, his loving pranks have ruined our marriage. Believe me, I'd kick him out of the house in a heartbeat but we need the money. Philip and Cece are both growing through clothes faster and faster, and Philip's room needs repainted every few days any more." Toby looks positively smitten as Pam continues discussing her tale of woe and her desire to finally be free of Jim. Gotcha, Dwight thinks. He then tells Pam that's more than enough, and says that he has a surprise witness to call. But they'll need to reach this person remotely, as he's in no shape to make it into the office. He dials a number on his phone and asks to be connected to Ryan Howard's room. The phone rings for a while and then is picked up by an unfamiliar voice who introduces himself as Ryan's nurse. Dwight asks her if anyone's come in to visit Ryan lately. "Lately? Uh... no, should someone have? We actually forgot to check on this guy for a day, but I think he's okay. More or less, at least. Can I help you with anything else?" Dwight thanks him for his time and hangs up the phone, then has what he believes to be his closing statement. Nobody cares about Ryan, not even Jim. And, sadly, nobody cares about Jim, either. Jim had no one to help him plan the prank or create an alibi, and Jim had no motivation to prank Ryan. The footage, which no one had time to truly analyze, is either completely fake or perhaps uses some kind of hyper-realistic Jim mask. The court room goes silent. Jim looks as Dwight, sadly. "W-what do you mean nobody cares about me? Dwight? Buddy?" Dwight tells Jim that it's going to be okay, but they must win this case. Jim starts openly sobbing and puts his head down on the table. Charles Miner stands up and stares at Dwight with pure hatred in his eyes. "Well, Dwight, wonderful job wasting my time today. Your utterly inane rantings may make sense in your head, but ultimately it's Toby who decides, isn't it? So let's ask him." Dwight wags his finger at Miner and explains that there's one more piece of the puzzle, something that's just come together in his head. He knew there was a conspiracy to get rid of Jim, and that Charles himself was involved. After all, Charles somehow was able to order a catered lunch BEFORE Ryan's accident, despite not having any reason to come to Scranton until this trial began. Charles falls back into his seat, looking defeated. Dwight's not finished yet, though. He adds that the footage shows something else unique about Jim - his appearance. After all, his shirt's tucked in. "W-what does that prove?" says Charles Miner, uncharacteristically unsure of himself. "He looks the same as he does right now." Dwight turns to Jim, who's still crying, and asks him to get comfortable. "Oh, sure, now that you hate my guts I can dress however I want. Does this please you, Dwight? You loving liar? DOES IT?" Raging and spitting, Jim untucks his shirt, loosens his tie, and re-flops his hair. There's something else that changes, too. His posture is worse, he seems to have an aura of unpleasantness, and he appears to be growing taller and thinner somehow. Dwight holds back tears but points at the footage, saying that these two men could not possibly be the same person. However, there is one person in the room that it could be. One man who benefits the most from Jim being out of the picture. The one man who people care about almost as little as Ryan. Toby. "Dwight. I told you... I told you that you should have just left things alone. We all would have been happy, Dwight!" Toby is practically screaming now, kicking over chairs in the conference room. "Jim is gone! You don't get pranked and I get to be with Pam! It's all either of us wanted! Hell, YOU tried to orchestrate something like this years ago! I'm just competent enough to do what YOU failed at, you loving moon-faced beet farmer!" Tony collapses to the ground, pounding his fists against the ground. Dwight turns to Charles Miner and tells him it's time to leave, lest Dwight turn his fury upon him. Miner trembles in his seat, quickly collects his things, and then leaves without a word. The office is dead silent. Dwight puts a hand on Jim's shoulder, but Jim quickly smacks it away. "Wow, Dwight. I was right about you all along, huh? You were never my friend, you just pretended, Dwight. You hate my guts, you just told EVERYONE here that nobody likes me. And for what? To get one up on Charles Miner and Toby. I hope it was worth it, Balloon Boy. Guess the prank was on me this time, huh?" Jim storms out of the office, leaving Dwight alone with an unconscious Toby at his feet and a confused Pam still sitting nearby. "Wait? Toby had a crush on me? Huh." Dwight walks back to his desk and sits down. He has an expense report to fill out. It'll probably get rejected now, just to give him an extra headache to deal with. Dunder Mifflin won't fire him, but they will make things difficult for him in the hopes that he'll quit. Typical corporate behavior. He looks over at Jim's empty desk. Jim will be back tomorrow (he usually is) and he'll probably be angry. The pranks will come hard and fast now, at least for a while. Jim is wounded and angry, he'll act out with violence. Dwight then looks over at Toby, who is just now lifting himself off the ground. His relationship with Toby is forever ruined. Not that there was much of a relationship, true, but it still hurts Dwight. At the Halpert House, Jim heads into the basement and grabs a small, carefully gift-wrapped present. The tag on it reads "To my best friend, Dwight. Thank you for believing in me." Jim smashes the box repeatedly with a hammer, then collapses into his racecar bed. Ryan wakes up in his hospital bed but, let's face it, nobody cares.
|
|
#
?
Sep 15, 2023 16:07
|
|
|
Jim's tie is so loose that it's just a loop of cheap polyester barely tied at the ends
|
|
#
?
Sep 15, 2023 16:24
|
|
|
Jim becomes a magician at children's parties and pulls Dwight out of his hat. This grows increasingly annoying as Jim admits that he "doesn't have any room in the car" to drive Dwight home.
|
|
#
?
Sep 15, 2023 16:30
|
|
|
Jim starts attending hen parties at which he pulls Dwight off, in a hat
|
|
#
?
Sep 15, 2023 18:34
|
|
|
Jim causes Dwight to explode in a shower of confetti. He beams and looks around the office looking for some kind of reaction. But nothing comes. Nobody bats an eye and everyone continues to work as usual. Not even Angela turns around even though her husband has just been reduced to a smoldering pile of confetti. Jim is perplexed. That evening on his way home Jim feels contemplative. He feels dejected and unappreciated. His pranks appear to have gotten stale and predicitive. But then he rolls over a poster that catches his eye: a Prankster's degree at the Scranton University of Clowns and other Degeneratives. He gets out of his Zorb to read it more carefully. Apparently in only four years and for only several ten thousand bucks you get the best education a prankster could hope for. He signs up the very next day and even convinces Pam to take a fourth job to cover the costs in lost wages and fees. She hopes that this will keep Jim occupied and hence away from her and her family. And it works: Jim really applies himself. He uses every free minute - of which he now has many after his release from Dunder Mifflin - to read, do homework and learn for his courses. He takes every (unpaid of course) internship he can to develop his craft. He trains feverishly: sleigh of hand, strength, acrobatics and dexterity. And he does well; after four years he finishes at the top of his class. With new found confidence he enters the Dunder Mifflin office to execute his prank. And this time the prank is state of the art - a prank the like of which no one of the office workers has ever seen. Shadowlike he enters the office kitchent just as Dwight fills his cup of coffee. Unnoticed he appears right behind Dwight. He taps Dwight's right shoulder and ducks to the left. All the while he mugs the camera.
|
|
#
?
Sep 15, 2023 18:37
|
|
|
BAGS FLY AT NOON posted:Jim replaces Dwight’s tie with a boa constrictor Jim replaces Dwight’s thong with a boa constrictor
|
|
#
?
Sep 16, 2023 02:56
|
|
|
BAGS FLY AT NOON posted:Jim replaces Dwight’s tie with 23 pounds of weapons grade plutonium
|
|
#
?
Sep 16, 2023 02:58
|
|
|
Jim replaces Dwight’s tie with a fully functioning TIE Fighter. Inside is a robot from the Prequels that says “Roger, Roger!” while blunderingly steering back and forth, dragging Dwight back and forth along with it, however, Dwight is mostly annoyed by the lack of chronological faithfulness to the fictional Star Wars universe.
|
|
#
?
Sep 16, 2023 03:15
|
|
|
jim, hefting a flatfish in one hand, slaps dwight with the plaice. jim then re-plaices dwight
|
|
#
?
Sep 16, 2023 12:04
|
|
|
Dwight goes scuba diving only to discover that Jim has drained most of the oxygen from his tank, leaving Dwight with precious few moments to reach the surface before running out of air. Swimming as fast as he can, Dwight holds his breath and hopes with all his heart that he’ll be able to breach the surface. He does not. Dwight’s waterlogged corpse rises to the surface amid screams of horror and panic from the rest of his diving team. A few days later, Jim attends Dwight’s funeral and makes a joke about “the diving bell and the beet farmer” which is incredibly tasteless but oddly well-informed. He’s kicked out of the funeral by Oscar, who then commends him for actually reading a book. Jim stares at him, dumbfounded, and says that he was actually referencing a season 23 episode of The Simpsons. Oscar sighs as he closes the door to the funeral home, locking Jim outside. That night, Jim finds wet footprints on his kitchen floor and yells at Philip and Cece for leaving a mess behind. He grabs a bottle of Faygo and sits down in front of the TV to watch Mars Needs Moms when he hears wet, squelching steps behind him. “I swear to God, your mother is going to get yelled at SO BAD if you kids don’t stop squishing around back there! Do you hear me?!” Jim stands up and turns around, only to find himself face to face with Dwight. That is, something that used to be Dwight. The skeletal face belches up fetid water that smells of rot, the pallid skin is marked with bits of rot and decay, and a small crab peeks out from Dwight’s empty left eye socket. His right eye, bloodshot and cloudy, is trained directly on Jim. “Oh shii -“ Jim runs as fast as he can outside, screaming like a wounded animal and pinwheeling his arms in some kind of desperate attempt to draw attention. But the neighborhood is empty, most of the residents of Scranton are at Dwight’s Celebration of Life at Schrute Farms. Jim runs as fast as he can and soon finds himself in the thick wooded area behind White Flight Housing Development, where he hunkers down behind a large tree and waits. He hears a crunching of leaves behind him and turns, only to see a deer staring at him. “Oh deer!” Jim laughs nervously. “Okay, it’s gonna be okay. This kind of thing has happened before. I just need to make it until the sun rises and I’ll be fine. I just gotta -“ Jim is cut off as Dwight suddenly rushes at him, full speed, running from the edge of the forest. Jim screams in horror but soon the scream is cut off by a wet ripping sound which echoes through the empty forest. The next morning, Pam awakens to find an unusually clean living room and no sign of Jim. She turns to Philip and asks if he’s seen his father. “It appears father may be… DROWNING in work this morning.” Pam rolls her eyes and heads downstairs, hoping to find her husband. “D-did you hear me, mom? I said Dad is drowning in work!” “Oh yeah,” Pam says with a sigh. “I heard you Philip. Thanks, buddy!” Pam rolls her eyes again. She’s worried Philip is starting to take after Jim lately. He’s just seemed kind of… odd. Plus the copies of Disney Adventures Magazine covering the development of Mars Needs Moms under his bed were a bit worrying. That’s a problem for later, though. She finally makes it downstairs to find Jim’s race car bed is now filled with water and Jim is floating face down in it. “Do you see, Mother? I told you he was -“ “No, I get it. You kind of defused the whole thing when you said that, Philip. Listen, this is not going to be easy but I’m worried about you. What’s with those magazines I found under your bed?” “Mom, I’m just… I’m interested in how they make movies! GOD!!!” “Okay but what specific movie? Because if it’s Mars Needs Moms, we are going to have a problem here.” “GOD I HATE THIS HOUSE!” Philip screams as he slams a cabinet door telekinetically. “You NEVER let me have any fun and Dad’s always busy with pranks and you won’t even let me go to GothCon 23!!!” “You’re 12 years old, Philip, you aren’t paying 100 dollars to go to GothCon! I’ll take you to Hot Topic this weekend. How’s that?” “AAAAAHHHH I HATE THIS PLACE!!! I can’t wait til I’m 18 and can move to Salem and do ACTUAL WITCH STUFF!!!”
|
|
#
?
Sep 16, 2023 13:06
|
|
|
Dwight wakes up from a night of uneasy dreams to find himself in the crew quarters of a wooden sailing ship in 1729. Jim, wearing period appropriate clothing, including a bandana and eyepatch, turns to him and grins. “Hey, buddy. Since you’re my ‘best mate’, I figured there would be no way you’d want to miss joining me on a naval adventure!” The storm is raging, and all crew are commanded to deck to save the ship. Jim runs off and scampers up the ladder, disappearing through the porthole above. Sighing, Dwight yanks himself to his feet and follows behind, beginning three years on the mast.
|
|
#
?
Sep 16, 2023 18:14
|
|
|
Jim, who somehow has been commissioned as First Officer, orders Dwight keel hauled for dereliction of duty.
|
|
#
?
Sep 16, 2023 19:16
|
|
|
Jim threatens to kill himself by drinking liquid paper. A disinterested Dwight says, "that's nice," causing Jim to down the bottle. Jim gets a very bad stomachache and has to be taken by pam to get his stomach pumped.
|
|
#
?
Sep 16, 2023 19:29
|
|
|
Jim spends the entire weekend pouting that his “best friend Dwight” didn’t stop him from drinking poison, and whines to Pam that Dwight is somehow “less committed to this relationship” than Jim fancies himself to be.
|
|
#
?
Sep 16, 2023 19:36
|
|
|
Jim angrily “breaks up” with Dwight for his callous behavior and threatens to do a “9/11 on the office”. Dwight, wearing headphones while balancing his urological appointment budget, is blissfully unaware.
|
|
#
?
Sep 16, 2023 19:38
|
|
|
Jim, jealous and angry at the amount of time Dwight spends at the urologist, calls up and cancels all of Dwight’s appointments for the month. This ruins several long-running case studies on “Unusually Large and Well Functioning Male Genitalia”.
|
|
#
?
Sep 16, 2023 21:48
|
|
|
Jim takes notes on a criminal loving conspiracy
|
|
#
?
Sep 16, 2023 21:53
|
|
|
Jim decides to quit daytime drinking for a month. This irritates Dwight so much that he starts to show up drunk to work.
|
|
#
?
Sep 16, 2023 22:08
|
|
|
|
| # ? May 31, 2024 13:45 |
|
|
December the 13th: Jim decides to take his pranks "to the next level". January the 7th: Pam is forced to file a missing person's report after Jim's alimony payments fail to come through. March the 19th: During a routine inspection of the roof of Dunder Mifflin's office building Jim's frozen body is discovered.
|
|
#
?
Sep 16, 2023 22:24
|
|