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Jim pops Dwight's exercise ball cheer, making him crash to the floor. --- Cosmic Jim doesn't even know what this means and flips the table in frustration. He then goes on a long vacation.
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Sep 29, 2023 09:08
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| # ? May 31, 2024 09:09 |
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Cosmic Jim turns his eye upon a small, simple world populated by a species that’s never even heard of pranks. This angers him, so Jim appears before one of the creatures in the form of a burning bush, telling the shocked creature to “go forth and prank, for it please me”. The innocent creature, sensing a spark of the Divine in the bush, does so. The first stapler is encased in gelatin and Cosmic Jim mugs for the Celestial Camera. Elsewhere and elsewhen, Cosmic Dwight helps a little old lady across the street. Cosmic Kevin accidentally spills a pot of his famous “7 Star Chili” and creates a new galaxy filled with paprika-based life forms. Neither Cosmic Jim nor Cosmic Dwight are aware of this 3rd, slightly clumsy, being.
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Sep 29, 2023 11:02
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Cosmic Jim and Regular Jim meet and annihilate, killing Regular Dwight in the process. Cosmic Dwight survives but doesn’t know how to grow beets and the farm falls to ruin.
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Sep 29, 2023 12:09
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Jim kidnaps Andy and brutally tortures him by forcing to watch hundreds of hours of Mars Needs Moms. Unfortunately for all involved Andy becomes a big fan.
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Sep 29, 2023 14:25
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Jim claims to be able to read Tarot, spreading out a deck on his desk and asking Dwight if he'd like a free reading. Humoring him, Dwight agrees. "I see a lot of pranks in your future, Balloon Boy. In fact, I see one right now!" The crystal ball that Jim brought for ambience then spritzes a foul-smelling liquid in Dwight's face. Annoyed, Dwight storms off, saying that Jim "probably can't even read fortunes anyway". In a talking head segment Jim confesses that he CAN indeed read the cards, and that Dwight's fate was "too hosed up" to reveal.
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Sep 29, 2023 14:29
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Cosmic Jim beams down into Senator Feinstein's room and gives her the french kiss of death. He locks his glowing lips around her dry and crusty mouth and sucks the remaining essence of her soul into his ethereal form. Back in Scranton in the prime universe, a third eye opens in the center of slappin' Jim's forehead. Dwight insists that Jim "...get that checked out." Slappin' Jim retorts by winding up his slappin' hand, which appears to be faintly glowing.
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Sep 29, 2023 14:53
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Trying to "reboot" the "Fun pranks for Jim to play on Dwight" by toning them down a little, Jim goes back to the old well of some of his classic fun pranks to play on Dwight. He shows up to work dressed as Dwight, which irritates the martinet ("Identity theft is not a joke, Jim!"). But soon, the prank goes sour. Jim CAN'T STOP at just a little harmless ribbing. Jim starts talking like Dwight ("MICHAEL!"). He acts like Dwight the entire day (eating a beetberry sandwich for lunch and finding it surprisingly delicious). He actually steals Dwight's identity. He opens a bunch of credit cards (after using his master hacking skills to get Dwight's social security number and first dog's name), which he uses to buy land and farming equipment. He starts growing radishes, working long hours in the morning and night in between thinking up more fun pranks to play on Dwight. It's been weeks. Jim dresses like Dwight all the time now. He refuses to answer to the name Jim. He works hard at his sales job, selling more paper in this month than he's sold the previous ten years combined. His hair is naturally falling straighter from the long hours under a sun hat, as he starts to find that he actually needs the glasses he once started wearing as a prank (possibly eye strain from reading his emails for the first time in years). When Jim's Geo Metro finally stops working, Jim on a whim fires up the Trans Am that's been sitting in his garage for years (residual from the prank where he exactly duplicated Dwight's car, switched the license plates, and then parked in a handicapped spot so that Dwight's car would get towed and he'd have to come pay the car depot to get it out). He finds that he really enjoys driving it. In fact, he loves it. Jim gets to work and heads into the bathroom (for the third time today, he makes a mental note to book another appointment with his urologist). As he finishes washing his hands, he looks up at himself in the mirror. "Got you good," he says to himself. "Fun prank."
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Sep 29, 2023 15:23
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Jim hides a mousetrap inside of Dwight's lunch, an almost comedically large sandwich. As the trap snaps down on Dwight's tongue, he lets out a loud "YOWCH!".
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Sep 29, 2023 15:48
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Trying to "reboot" the "Fun pranks for Jim to play on Dwight" by toning them down a little, Jim goes back to the old well of some of his classic fun pranks and writes at the bottom: "Dwayt al-Shrood is a philanderer".
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Sep 29, 2023 16:15
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Kevin and Angela make tender, yet passionate, love to a large spilled pot of chili
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Sep 29, 2023 16:18
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Jim introduces the office to Jimtwo, a clone of Jim created to "help handle this insane workload". Jimtwo appears to be fairly similar to Jim in appearance, although he's a bit lankier and a bit floppier. In terms of personality, however, they couldn't be more different. Jimtwo soon woos the office with his hard-working, kind nature and his encyclopedic knowledge of birds. As the weeks go on, most people in the office choose to ignore Jim completely and start referring to Jimtwo as "the better Jim", at least behind Jim's back. Jim finally loses his temper when Dwight jokingly says he'd "gladly get pranked by Jimtwo, since at least there'd be some compassion behind it". "THAT DOES IT! JIMTWO! I'm calling you out right now, BITCH!" Jim then challenges Jimtwo to a fight in the middle of the office, despite the protests of Jimtwo and the rest of the office. Jim starts throwing strange, flailing punches at Jimtwo and yelling "your rear end is grass" again and again. Jimtwo has finally had enough and, using his latent telekinetic powers, explodes Jim's head. Blood, brain matter, and bits of skull spray across the office like a popped water balloon. Jim's twitching, headless corpse collapses to the ground as Jimtwo says they can finally get back to work. "Uh, Jimtwo," a nervous Oscar asks, voice trembling, "could you ALWAYS do that to people's heads?" Jimtwo smiles. "Yeah, of course. I just never had to before. Hopefully I don't need to again, right?" Jimtwo mugs for the camera.
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Sep 29, 2023 16:57
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Cosmic Jim sees Jim trying to reboot the "Fun pranks for Jim to play on Dwight" by toning them down a little and erases the universe where that Jim lives. "They can't all be winners", Cosmic Jim mutters under his cosmic breath.
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Sep 29, 2023 17:09
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Jim walks into the office dressed as Nyan Cat, speakers blaring the iconic tune at 120db, fully expecting to annoy Dwight to no end. However Dwight walks in wearing noise-canceling headphones, claiming he's been testing them for "maximum efficiency", whatever that means. He gives Jim a thumbs up.
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Sep 29, 2023 17:10
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Trying to "reboot" the "Fun pranks for Jim to play on Dwight" by toning them down a little, Jim goes back to the old well of some of his classic fun pranks and traps Dwight in the CPU of his laptop computer, where Dwight is occasionally abducted and forced to fight for his life whenever Jim plays a video game (typically ROMhacks of old Sonic or Donkey Kong games). (Jim lost the thread of this prank as soon as he thought of the word “ReBoot” and thought of his favorite TV show.)
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Sep 29, 2023 17:57
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poisonpill posted:Trying to "reboot" the "Fun pranks for Jim to play on Dwight" by toning them down a little, Jim goes back to the old well of some of his classic fun pranks and traps Dwight in the CPU of his laptop computer, where Dwight is occasionally abducted and forced to fight for his life whenever Jim plays a video game (typically ROMhacks of old Sonic or Donkey Kong games). (Jim lost the thread of this prank as soon as he thought of the word “ReBoot” and thought of his favorite TV show.) To be fair this is tamer than many pranks here.
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Sep 29, 2023 18:17
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Dark Jim enters the prime material plain ready to prank both Dwight and Regular Jim, only to encounter Cosmic Jim and Slappy Jim. “Who the heck are you guys??” both turn simultaneously each with wry grins for their counterpart “Wouldn’t you like to know.” Kevin, who is neither Dark nor cosmic, turns in exactly the same way as the Jim’s and makes the same wry grin with perfect comedic timing. “Kevin!” says Kevin. “Yeah, we know, Kevin.” “Kevin!” says Kevin again, and without breaking eye contact or changing his wry expression, pours an entire pot of chili onto the carpet. freeze frame, credits. the Star Wars theme song plays.
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Sep 29, 2023 18:28
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naem posted:Kevin, who is neither Dark nor cosmic, turns in exactly the same way as the Jim’s and makes the same wry grin with perfect comedic timing. 
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Sep 29, 2023 18:32
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Trying to "reboot" the "Fun pranks for Jim to play on Dwight" by toning them down a little, Jim goes back to the old well of some of his classic fun pranks and decides to simply replace Dwight's chair with a whoopee cushion. Smiling to himself, Jim waits for the moment Dwight sits down. However, when Dwight arrives, he's carrying his own chair from a recent "ergonomic office furniture" seminar he attended. Dwight proudly proclaims, "This chair increases productivity by 17.3%!" Jim feels that this approach is somehow not working out.
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Sep 29, 2023 20:30
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Trying to "reboot" the "Fun pranks for Jim to play on Dwight" by toning them down a little, Jim buys a funnel and a pound of sugar from food lion then dumps the sugar into Dwight's gas tank.
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Sep 30, 2023 01:43
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Trying to "reboot" the "Fun pranks for Jim to play on Dwight" by toning them down a little, Jim turns the toner setting on the office printer down by two notches. Now, whenever Dwight goes to print something, the text on the pages looks a little faded, and not quite dark enough. “This might be too tame,” muses Jim. Then Andy, trying to print a mailing label for the third time, goes crazy with rage, flips the whole printer over and starts kicking it.
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Sep 30, 2023 13:05
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Jim secretly tapes Dwight and Angela having sex, then he films himself having sex with Pam while wearing a Dwight wig making sure to perfectly mirror Dwight's moves and style. He then accidentally delivers the tape to Angela with a note that says "He's cheating on you". When he wakes up the next morning he has forgotten all about that prank because his head is always having to clear space for new pranks. Angela called Jim and tells him she has bad news. He drives over to her apartment and she shows him the tape. Jim is enraged at what Dwight has done with his wife. After Angela and him have some quick revenge sex, he drives to Dwight's farm and beats him about the head and neck until dead in a jealous rage. When he wakes up the next morning he has forgotten all about that prank. He encases Dwight's calculator in a jello mold
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Sep 30, 2023 13:47
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Dwight’s jello calculator goes on to have a long and successful career at Dunder-Miflin, out earning every other salesperson all while earning their trust and respect. A long running will-they-won’t-they flirtation with Angela is documented by the film crew for years as a lot of laughs are had as they come up with new pranks to pull on the badly damaged printer in the corner that someone has tied a tie around and put a pair of glasses on. Angela and Jello Calculator finally tie the knot in a very special episode. The printer remains completely inanimate except for the insect population that often inhabits it since a lot of the pranks a food themed
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Sep 30, 2023 14:21
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Dwight and Angela head to a local pumpkin patch, hoping for an enjoyable and romantic fall weekend. As they approach the patch, however, they’re struck by a horrific, acidic odor. They begin to see people pulled over on the side of the road vomiting. There are hundreds, maybe thousands, and they’re all puking their guts out. Traffic is at a standstill now, with people just puking everywhere. Dwight asks a man what’s going on and, between heaves, he says that they just came from the pumpkin patch and it’s “the grossest thing I’ve ever seen”. Dwight and Angela walk the rest of the way, eventually having to wade through ankle high marshes of vomit. “Dwight, this isn’t very romantic any more.” Dwight says he knows, but he has to find out what’s going on. They finally reach the pumpkin patch and see a few dozen people all lying around it, passed out and covered in vomit. A single pumpkin sits in the center of the patch. Dwight tells Angela to stay back, and he slowly walks over towards it. He gazes upon it and, holding back the violent need to puke, brings one foot up and smashes the pumpkin. He does it again and again and again until the wicked gourd is just a pile of seeds and orange guts. He then quietly walks back towards Angela, who asks what was so disgusting as to drive thousands of people towards violent puking fits. Dwight says he can’t in good conscience tell her, as it would drive her to puking fits. But, trust him, it was indeed the most disgusting thing he’d ever seen. Decades later, on his death bed, Dwight tells his assembled family to step out for a moment, as he has to write something down in privacy. The assembled Schrutes file out, wondering what it is. A few moments later, they step back in. Dwight is now gone, although his bed still holds a depression from where he was laying. In his place is a single piece of notebook paper which reads: “It looked like Jim’s butthole”
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Sep 30, 2023 14:39
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Jim pins a poster of Harry Houdini on Dwight's face.
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Sep 30, 2023 16:40
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Jim tries to explain the pranks he plays on Dwight to his brother but the reflection on the mirror is unconvinced.
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Sep 30, 2023 17:45
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Dwight’s calculator in jello and the broken, flipped over printer in the corner are nicknamed “New Dwight” and “New Jim”, respectively. Fun pranks for New Jim to play on New Dwight
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Sep 30, 2023 18:15
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Jim replaces Dwight’s stapler with a big floppy dildo. Jim is fired for sexual harassment.
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Sep 30, 2023 19:18
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New Dwight flashes 80085 at a New Jim. New Jim prints MICHAEL!
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Sep 30, 2023 19:30
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Whenever Kevin prints a report, New Jim prints a picture of him taken when he dropped a huge pot of chili, upsetting Kevin. New Jim prints a picture of Jim mugging the camera.
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Sep 30, 2023 19:33
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BAGS FLY AT NOON posted:Jim replaces Dwight’s stapler with a big floppy dildo. Anyway on the next day at work, Jim decides to swap out Dwight's computer mouse with a mousetrap. Dwight then loudly announces, "Ah, a mousetrap! Perfect for catching the office mice! Thanks Jim." and proceeds to set it up near the break room.
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Sep 30, 2023 19:34
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Space Kablooey posted:Whenever Kevin prints a report, New Jim prints a picture of him taken when he dropped a huge pot of chili, upsetting Kevin. Lmao
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Sep 30, 2023 19:35
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Jim becomes part of the office floor and makes himself slippery whenever Dwight walks on him. Our view pans down and we see Jim’s reflection in the floor, mugging the camera.
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Sep 30, 2023 21:03
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Sometimes Cosmic Jim feels that he is not as in control of things as he thought. For instance, Jim tried to prank Dwight by replacing his regular coffee with decaf, only to discover that Dwight had already switched to a caffeine-free lifestyle for "maximum adrenal gland preservation." On another occasion, Jim planned a meticulously crafted riddle for Dwight, embedding clues throughout the office. Just when Jim thought he'd have Dwight running in circles all day, Dwight solved it in minutes and thanked Jim for the "mental exercise." Cosmic Jim starts to wonder. He thinks about trying one more stunt, something foolproof and grand, to regain his sense of cosmic balance. He replaces Dwight's desk chair with an inflatable exercise ball, anticipating a comical tumble. But instead, Dwight praises the ball as a "brilliant ergonomic solution" and credits Jim for increasing his productivity by "23.7 percent." Finally, Cosmic Jim resigns himself to the idea that maybe, just maybe, the universe is the ultimate prankster. And perhaps Dwight has become an unwitting co-conspirator with the cosmos itself.
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Sep 30, 2023 21:23
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The universe, its infinite grandeur and the ineffable beauty of all existence, mugs the camera
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Oct 1, 2023 01:57
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Jim welds Dwight’s zipper closed so Dwight has to pull his pants down to urinate. Kevin laughs at Dwight in the men’s room for “whizzin like a first grader”.
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Oct 1, 2023 03:16
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Jim uses an advanced computer program to comb through thousands of hours of audio to find out what phrase Dwight uses the most often. It turns out that phrase is “Well, Jim, whatever makes you happy.” Jim then trademarks the phrase and starts wearing a t-shirt to work with it. When Dwight asks what’s going on, Jim blows a raspberry in his face and remains silent. Dwight responds with his signature phrase, promoting Jim to tell Dwight that he owes Jim $1 for the use of that phrase. Jim then reveals the correct paperwork affirming that, yes, this is legally binding. Dwight pays Jim the dollar and vows never to use the phrase again but also trademarks Jim’s mugging face. When Jim argues that you can’t do that, Dwight reveals the paperwork. “But Dwight, you can’t trademark a real person’s face! That’s insanity.” Dwight asks Jim how he knows he’s real, since the paperwork confirms that Jim is actually fictional. “Uh, well, I have free will and a life outside of these pranks. I have thoughts and emotions! I’m real, Dwight, I’ve just gotta be!” Dwight says that Jim will have to prove that in a court of law, causing Jim to spiral down into a state of disbelief and despair. He begins to doubt his own existence and, in a moment of pure terror, asks Dwight if HE’S real. Dwight just smiles at him. Jim screams in horror and runs out the building. “Dwight, that was mean! Jim’s going to go crazy over that one!” says Oscar, with a slight hint of concern in his voice. Dwight says that it’s fine, this will teach Jim a lesson and hopefully show him it’s not funny to involve the legal system in his pranks. Outside of the office, Jim is looking at Pam’s car in awe. He reaches forward and peels it back, as if it were a sticker, revealing pure white brilliance behind it. “Oh, so this is what Dwight was talking about. I guess he wasn’t kidding about me being fictional.” Jim steps into the white abyss and finds himself experiencing a world more brilliant than he could imagine. There are more smells, sounds, and sights than he can even handle. His brain threatens to shut down until he curls up in a ball and squeals like a wounded infant. A hand touches him and Jim is terrified by the texture of it, as if he can feel every skin cell. He looks up at a man, but this man looks more real than anyone Jim has seen before. “Hey buddy, are you okay? You look kinda… flat or something. Wait, holy poo poo, are you John Krasinski?” Jim mugs for the man. “Oh man! I love The Office! Can I take a picture with you? My wife is going to freak the gently caress out. I met John Krasinski while walking around, can you-“ The man’s voice is cut off as Jim fades away, almost like fog on a bathroom mirror slowly disappearing. Jim again finds himself back in the office parking lot. Pam’s car is there and when Jim touches it it’s entirely solid. He walks back up to the office, sits down silently, and gets to work. Dwight eventually apologizes, but Jim just sits there. Dwight, concerned and admittedly a little irritated, simply retorts by telling Jim that he can just sit there if he wants, whatever makes him happy. “Ahhhh! Gotcha! That’s close enough, you owe me 25 cents!!” Dwight grumbles and hands over a quarter. Jim bites it (presumably testing if it’s real) and then tosses the quarter in his pocket.
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Oct 1, 2023 03:44
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Jim microwaves a can of Chef Boyardee Big Beefy Ravioli in the office microwave, causing it to explode and spray chunks of hot aluminum and animal-grade foodstuffs across the break room. Jim then puts up a note that reads: “To whomever made a mess in the microwave, we are very disappointed in you.”
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Oct 1, 2023 16:35
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Jim starts eating a Hungry Man XXXL frozen meal for lunch every single day.
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Oct 1, 2023 16:55
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Cosmic Jim replaces Dwight's stapler with a replica crafted entirely our of antimatter and suspends it withing a magnetic bottle within Dwight's desk drawer. Over the course of the next few days, Dwight uses only paperclips because he senses something is wrong, frustrating Jim. Dwight eventually removes the bottle with the large chunk of antimatter and uses it as an energy source for a starship to explore the galaxy. Cosmic Jim pushes him off course into a black hole.
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Oct 1, 2023 17:50
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| # ? May 31, 2024 09:09 |
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John Krasinski publicly denounces Randall Park as a “Woke socialist radical” at the House Un-American Activities Committee, despite having no evidence of any illegal activities by Mr. Park. He explains on J, the everyjim app, that he had good reason for this: namely so that “they can’t recast your favorite actor (ME!) in the reboot of your favorite show!” In a series of disastrous interviews, John reveals his growing paranoia that “the global elite” are tying to replace him with an “Asian Jim”, to somehow accelerate “cultural Marxism, leading to the end of the white race.” Somehow, despite these lunatic confessions, Randall Park’s career suffers serious repercussions. Fresh Off the Boat is cancelled, and Park is replaced in The Marvels by a CGI overlay of Krasinski. Several years later, having never worked again on a studio production, Randall Park is found dead in a bathtub in a hotel near Balboa state beach, under very suspicious circumstances. His death is ruled a suicide. John, by this time living out fantasies of pranking actors on his “enemies list” from the top floor of the Excalibur Casino in Las Vegas, gives a rare interview. He is wearing a threadbare bathrobe and Kleenex boxes for shoes. He says only that “Randall shouldn’t have eaten my gluten free turkey sandwich the day he was on set.” Years after his death, it is revealed that John pretended to be gluten intolerant during the filming of The Office so that he could park in the handicapped parking space on the lot closest to the soundstage.
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Oct 1, 2023 18:21
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