Autisanal Cheese posted:

silicone thrills posted:

Gross Attorney story: I used to work in an IT helpdesk and one day one of the attorneys dropped off his laptop bag via his assistant with no information other than "there's something wrong with it"

We opened the laptop bag and ants spilled all over the floor. There was some kind of fruit jam all in the keys. We aren't even in the south or anything. Getting ants here means you really hosed up. We vacuumed up as many ants as we could, cleaned it up and it worked again.

ghost emoji posted:

Hello sir, I- *briefcase full of ants falls open*

McGavin posted:

Your honour, I'd like to file a formicus brief.

sebmojo posted:

yeah, there's a reddit post citing an LF poster that was dated Aug 2009 so the one I found is definitely a quote. The search continues.

e:



scandal! there's a 2009 4chan post! stolen goon valour?

sebmojo posted:

Ayyy Jeff found it

https://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?noseen=0&threadid=3154974&pagenumber=40&perpage=40#post363694598

A 2009 LF post from randomnoise

DAD LOST MY IPOD posted:

Riyadh- Controversy erupted amid the White House Press Corps today as White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer denied reports that President Donald Trump touched the dreadful Orb to gain its power.

“This is ridiculous. Donald Trump pledged to the American people that he would resist the beguiling siren song of the Orb, and he has done so. This is yet another distraction by the failed Democratic party trying to block President Trump’s Make America Great Again agenda.”

Hours later, President Trump tweeted “Yes- I touched the Orb. Obama wouldn’t listen to the song of the Orb. Big mistake! Insulted allies and the Orb!” When asked for comment, Spicer said “I think the President’s tweet speaks for itself.”

Op-ed, NYT: Once Again, President Trump Crosses a Red Line
…have we forgotten the lessons of the past so easily? Yes, the Orb’s melody is alluring and seductive, but the power it grants corrupts body and mind. Who can forget Dwight Eisenhower’s famous farewell speech, in which he warned of “the acquisition of unwarranted influence, whether sought or unsought, by the Orb?” We cannot know the Orb’s true intentions for mankind, but it is all too easy to imagine that they are hostile and alien.
We say to Donald Trump: reject the politics of division! Reject hatred! And reject the Orb, for though its lambent glow soothes the mind, the terrible power that crackles across its surface will bring you no peace.

Op-ed, WSJ: Liberal Critics Overstate the Dangers of the Orb
…yes, we know the Orb may not have our best interests at heart, but we should trust the Orb to act rationally. It is in the best interests of the Orb, now that Donald Trump has been suffused with its vast might, to work for America, not against it. If we cannot trust the President of the United States to safeguard the might of the Orb, then who can we trust? An Orb Working Group, its members drawn from the elite across fields, will be able to strategize the best way to harness the Orb’s awful might and transform our society just as it has transformed Donald Trump’s living flesh into bitter, cold darkness.

Tweet, RealDonaldTrump account:
Haters and losers say that Orb cannot be trusted. I have absorbed Orb and will carry it within my soul! #MAGA!

8.2k replies 7.4k retweets 45k likes

posts from r/the_donald, thread entitled “INCREDIBLE: he touches the Orb! CUCKS BTFO!!!”
MAGA_MAN_X

fellow pedes i can’t believe he’s done it again!

volkisch1487

cucked SJWs at my school cant stop cryin about this, rofl

trumpinTN12

This is really Presidential. This is a breath of fresh air after 8 years of 0bungler.

Rachel Maddow, 6/27/17 broadcast (partial transcript)
…and his skin, it’s turned midnight black. I think I see rainbows moving across it, like an oil slick in sunlight. But just so you know, the White House is denying all of it. They’re denying that he’s taken on the Orb’s power, they’re denying that he’s grown to twelve feet tall, they’re denying that anything happened at all. Lightning struck the White House 452 times last night, according to meteorologists. This is not normal.

Tweet, LouiseMensch account
Sources have revealed to me that #orb was planted by #Russia, #Putin. Supreme Court preparing Articles of Exorcism as I write.

12 replies 180 retweets 100 likes

#Neverorb, Erick Erickson, Redstate.com
…the Republican Party used to stand for something greater than the pulsing Orb and its horrible keening drone. I remember that, even if the bootlickers in Congress don’t. The Orb has no regard for human life, not even the life of the unborn. Hey, Paul Ryan — why does your budget allocate $0 to faith-based family centers that offer alternatives to abortion, but $800 billion to a massive basalt monolith in the middle of Washington DC?

Sean Hannity show, 7/12/17
HANNITY: These liberals, they fear the Orb. They’re afraid of it.
GINGRICH: You know, it’s sad, it really is, because the Orb wants what’s best for America, for all of us, and-
HANNITY: Exactly! The Orb loves us! The Orb-
[crosstalk]
GINGRICH: It’s like I said in 1994, the American People don’t want big government. They want a vast, glowing Orb that swells up to block out the sun.

Bernie Sanders, speech, 8/16/17
…and I don’t think it’s right that President Trump now walks around outside for days at a time, plants wilting wherever he plants his massive feet. I don’t think it’s right that our President, a billionaire, gets to be twenty feet tall and exude an oily darkness while the regular, hard-working people of this country slave away for long hours for a minimum wage that’s not enough to feed a family. I don’t think it’s right that every night the pool at the foot of the massive basalt altar in DC — paid for with tax money, yours and mine — must be filled with sacrifices of blood, hair and teeth. Not when millionaires and billionaires pay less tax than at any time in the last century.

Barack Obama, GQ interview, 9/2/17
…I don’t want to sound overly critical. But when I was President, I didn’t touch the Orb, for a very good reason. And, you know, I wanted to. I could have easily. I heard it singing to me in my dreams, a song that melted away like morning dew when I awoke. And I could have… (he loses focus for a moment)
I could have touched it. But I didn’t. And I think that was the right choice for the American people, and when you look at the boiling cloud of gnats that used to be our President, I think you’ll agree with me.

Headline, Washington Post
CROP FAILURES ACROSS MIDWEST

Life Force Drained to Feed Orb’s “Endless, Terrible Hunger.”

Blog Post, fivethirtyeight.com
The Disappearance of the Upper Midwest in a Vortex of Madness Could Doom Trump’s Re-Election Chances

From “The Orbs of Our Fathers,” an essay by Ta-Nehisi Coates in The Atlantic
…I knew from the moment I saw it what the Orb was. I knew what it represented, even when others chose not to see. The Orb is America. The Orb is white supremacy, hatred and disregard, the disregard that communities of color face every day. The Orb is Donald Trump, and Donald Trump is the Orb. His body has evaporated, but we see him now reflected in puddles of oily rain, on our television screens, in our dreams. He is screaming, only screaming. That scream is the hate-cry of white supremacy, the message that never leaves us.

Why is the President Screaming: a special report by CBS News
JOHN DICKERSON: Experts say that that the power of the Orb may have consumed President Trump and now feeds on his soul. What does this mean for us as a Nation? Was it a mistake to touch the Orb?

REINCE PRIEBUS: No, John, not at all. These reports are yet more distractions from the liberal media. The President is deep in contemplation of the Orb’s mysteries. That’s why he isn’t seen outside these days.

JOHN DICKERSON: Do you have an explanation for why every reflective surface on Earth shows the President’s screaming visage at precisely 4:22 PM each day? Or why the great black Monolith of the Mall has cracked right down its face?

REINCE PRIEBUS: Listen, if you want to sit there and criticize every little thing the President does, you have that right. I can’t stop you. But frankly, it’s counterproductive, and it’s a little sad when the President’s agenda has been such a success. I mean, the crops are growing again, they’re-

JOHN DICKERSON: The farmers are saying that the crops are twisted and swollen with unholy power. They’re inedible. They’re useless.

REINCE PRIEBUS: We’re growing for export. We knew there would be resistance when we set out to make America great again, there will be hiccups, but…

Inaugural Statement from Mike Pence
…and in the weeks and months to come, we know there will be questions. Where is President Donald Trump? Why do we still hear him screaming, faintly, at the edge of our hearing? What has become of the baneful Orb that hung low in the sky like a second sun? My fellow Americans, I do not have all the answers for you. This should be a time for healing, a time for people of all faiths to come together and bow their heads in thankfulness that the Orb’s awful designs have been averted. I never expected or wanted this, but I solemnly swear to do my duty as your President, to heal a wounded nation, and to stand strong against the alien menace of the Orb wherever it threatens. I pledge that I will never touch the Orb or any other item of cosmic, unknowable power.

Alex Jones show, 11/25/17
…and he’s heading to Beijing next week for a summit. Can you believe that? We all know that they’ve recently unearthed a gleaming cube of alien metal from the ruins below Xi’an. What is the President hiding? Why won’t he tell us whether he plans to touch the Cube?

Malachite_Dragon posted:

Autisanal Cheese posted:

Trochanter posted:

Major Laurier had picked the wrong day to change meth dealers.

The sharp pounding in his head had started just as the scramble alert came on. A Russian Tupolev Tu-95 bomber had blatantly violated Canada's northern sovereignity and was headed for the strategic city of Yellowknife. It was up to his squadron, No. 420 Harper's Harriers to show those Slav bastards what-for with their state-of-the-art C-35 war machines... and peacefully escort them out of Canada's airspace.

Now, he was alone. Captain Fraiser's C-35 had flown through a cloud and the moisture had torn its skin from its fuselage. The rookie, Lieutenant Dorian, had attempted a gentle banked turn and the strain on his engine was too great. His plane exploded in a hail of fire, cheap steel and packing peanuts. He didn't even have time to scream. loving hotshot, thought the Major.

The Tupolev was zooming southeast at a blistering Mach 0.3 but he was slowly closing in on his prey. He had already dropped his external fuel tanks, all four of his bullets and his missile to stay airborne, and the airframe was shuddering like his Chevy Cavalier on the Trans-Canada Highway. The radar app had crashed an hour ago and OnStar was useless. No, I don't want to find a loving gas station, I'm trying to intercept a warplane! Nonetheless, he had followed the contrails left by the bomber in the northern sky. He knew he was close. And then there! On the edge of his horizon, a vast twenty miles away, were the Russians. He clenched his jaw and punched up the afterburners. The plane kicked and lurched like a mechanical bull with half the gears broken. He set course to ram his plane into the hulking turboprop. I knew I wasn't coming back from this mission, he thought. I'm a C-35 pilot. We don't come back. But at least I'll take these assholes with me. His squadron's motto, gently caress EVERYONE AND PISS ON THEIR ASHES, rang in his ears as his HUD flashed a 404 error.

Meanwhile, on the Russian plane...

The Major was five miles from the bomber when he heard a new and unfamiliar bang. He tried in vain to look behind him, but from the corner of his eye, he could see a great crack forming on his left wing. He knew at once what it meant. The epoxy that kept the plane together was never meant for such extreme temperatures. His plane was literally coming apart at the seams. How he wished he was in an Avro Arrow now. With a sickening CRRRACK the wing tore itself free from the plane and the C-35 went into a death spin. The Tupolev continued on, oblivious.

Amidst the alarms, klaxons and spontaneous fire, Frasier bit his lip and thought of Maverick. Then suddenly he remembered his training. One of the Powerpoint slides had mentioned that the ejection seat was NOT made by Lockheed, but by a British company! Hope sprung in his breast; perhaps he might survive this ordeal, and achieve his dream of becoming a cyberathelete! In desperation he lunged at the ejector handle. The seat roared upward into the void and while the canopy didn't deploy, it didn't matter; the cheap glass was shattered easily by his hundred thousand dollar helmet.

The Major breathed a sigh of relief as the chute deployed and slowed his descent. He took one last glance at his plane, which plummeted like a meteor into the ground and exploded. It was a bittersweet sight. At the very least, he thought, he had saved half a billion dollars from the clutches of the poor, the needy, the nonwhite and Quebec. The thought made him smile.

The ejector seat landed with a soft thud on a river bank, narrowly missing some pine trees. He looked around at the bright sky, the green grass and river teeming with fish. This unfamiliar hellscape sent chills of fear down his spine. If I liked the outdoors, he thought, I would've joined in the army.

Thus began Major Laurier's desperate bid for survival in the harsh subarctic summer, where temperatures could drop to nearly below freezing. In the distance, a beaver roared.

sebmojo posted:

Ayyy Jeff found it

https://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?noseen=0&threadid=3154974&pagenumber=40&perpage=40#post363694598

A 2009 LF post from randomnoise

randomnoise posted:

this is the dumbest loving thing ever

(USER WAS BANNED FOR THIS POST)

Platystemon posted:

2:05 PM eastern standard time, the Muslims have vanished.

Check for yourself if you don’t believe me. Where have they gone to?

There is speculation, of course. Scientists mention a cosmic storm that passed the Earth on January 20. A man says they are all in caves. Certain groups lament a faulty Rapture. A woman says he has taken their power and absorbed it into himself. She means Barack Obama. I doubt it, but he does seem somehow taller. The ground rumbles at times. The breaking news says WASHINGTON DC, with red concentric circles. I’m uneasy, but what can we do? Terror is defeated and if Obama were a Muslim, he’d be just as gone as them. There’s no cause for alarm.

Within months, Barack Obama has declared a war on vague unease. It’s a good idea, because frankly we could all use some peace of mind. Approval rating is higher than ever now that the Muslims had left, but I don’t think we are happy yet. His eyes are shining sometimes, as a deer’s eyes shine in a flashlight beam. Small fissures criss-cross the pavement. Trees are swaying, but the breeze is gone. Something is changing in our world.

Aeroplanes don’t exist anymore. Scientists explain that the density of the air is too low to support their wings. Then how do we breathe?! We should have died by now, but I think we are evolving. Our bodies haven’t changed, but the atmosphere..

One man says it was the rapture after all, and we have since entered the Kingdom of God. Barack is now the size of an oak tree. He sleeps outside since the rains have ceased, and his skin is thick to bullets. Now he wanders through he countryside impassively. He ignores a rural photo-op. He studies a leaf for twenty days. Only a fool would call this Heaven. 
Satellites fall to earth like rain used to. No friction burns them away, so we trudge past countless flecks of solar panel and ribbons of golden cloth. It’s a silent car crash every few hours, though cars themselves no longer run. No oxygen remains to ignite their fuel. Obama strides across the landscape, taller than the Freedom Tower. We’ve given up on assassination; all men are immortal now, and guns no longer fire.

I’m starting to wish the Muslims were back.

We found them with a telescope. Images of a colony on the right side of the moon. See the parts that jut from the lower right? I think they’re mosques. Soon they are visible to the naked eye, but how? Their cities are enormous. We watch them as they live and die. They have our former atmosphere; the moon is fringed with blue. “Look at how they wield their guns,” writes a man. “I always said he’d take our guns away.” They eat and sleep like we once did, building worthless ziggurats. We have everything we wanted, but oh how we envy their strife!

It’s long been clear that Obama brought this uncomfortable perfection upon us, but I can’t bring myself to blame him for it. He’s reminded us all of how our lives had been discarded out of fear. I know now why he grows each day. In time, when we are ready he will reach out into space. He will raise us up in his great hand, to this new Earth that gleams like a frozen star. And if Obama does not carry us, we can climb…


Perestroika posted:

While we're on classic long posts, the F-35 one always stuck with me:

quote:

I'll give it a shot:

"Delta One, be advised we're sending in three f-35s for close air support. ETA, twelve minutes."

The knot in Warrant Officer Brown's stomach tightened. The Ford Pinto of the skies was coming to their rescue. They were dead men.

Delta Platoon had formed a perimeter in the town square, winning the hearts and minds of half the Taliban in the province. A routine smash-and-grab for Al-Qaeda's No.2 in Afghanistan du jour had gone wrong when their Black Hawks were shot out from under them. The insurgents had Block 2 Stinger missiles, courtesy of Uncle Sam and the Syrians. The Allies were sending what reinforcements it could, but were held up by IEDs and roadside ambushes. Attempts to send in helicopters were met with the shriek of MANPADS. It was clear Delta wasn't going anywhere unless those Stingers were taken out.

Brown's men had sighted the Taliban with their MANPADS on the roof of a nearby house. "This is Red One, Bombs Away!" crackled Brown's radio. He could hear Danger Zone in the background. He peeked out of cover and scanned the horizon amidst the whizzing bullets and explosions. Where the hell was Red One? An interminable minute passed as the Taliban with their missiles fled into a nearby shop. Moments later an explosion demolished the now-empty building.

"Delta One, this is Red One, executing turn manoeuvre, back in five minutes."

"Red squadron, this is Delta One! Priority targets have moved southeast into a shop."

"Delta One, Red Two here, please give a description of the shop."

"Red Two, It's a brown square building... green sign... it's a bakery!"

"Delta One, how the gently caress am I supposed to find a bakery at thirty thousand feet?!"

Close air support, my rear end, thought Brown. "Look, just bomb the drat intersection, will you?"

A minute later another dull thud and a puff of smoke erupted near the shop.

"Delta One, please confirm target hit."

"Negative, you bombed a school. Full of Canadians."

"YEEE-HAH! Secondary objectives achieved! Returning to base for re-arming, re-fuelling and 2 weeks of maintenance."

A mortar round landed nearby and sent several of his men reeling. Warrant Officer Brown had enough. He screamed into his mike.

"Red Three, listen the gently caress up, you worthless shitheel! You're our last hope here! We are taking CASUALTIES! You NEED to get in closer and KILL these fuckers!"

"OOHRAH OOHRAH OOHRAH 10-4 SEMPER FI THESE COLORS DON'T RUN!"

Oh God. Oh God! I just assumed they were--! I didn't know!

"Negative, negative! Stand down, Marine! Disengage! Remember your training, padawan!" The panic in his voice set his men even farther on edge.

"OOHRAH OOHRAH LEMME SEE YOUR WAR FACE REMEMBER GUADALCANAL gently caress YOU YOU HADJI MOTHERFUCKERS!!"

His commanders tried to talk him down, but it was too late. He was now the few and the proud, fighting the fire golems in his mind. His programming activated, Red Three started down towards the biggest battle he could find - the square Delta Platoon was defending. The Taliban with the missiles held back; this wasn't the first Marine pilot they'd encountered.

"EVERYBODY DOWN! INCOMING MARINE!" shouted Brown. The men that weren't frozen in place dived for the ground with whispered prayers on their lips. They looked up frightfully to see the grim spectre of death bearing down on them, the red veins in his eyes, the KA-BAR in his teeth, the rifle firing wildly from the plane's gunport.

"THIS IS FOR SOAP OOHRAH OOHRAH YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH WE ARE STILL IN THE DESERT" The F-35B slowed and activated its vertical flight system. The wash from the turbine and engine was an encompassing, scorching maelstrom that swept away all the crumbling buildings and unlucky people in its path. It was the finger of God, if God was a psychopathic fuckwit.

Before this grunt-nado there was no escape. The fruits of corporate decadence, military blood-lust and imperial hubris were about to be given to Delta Platoon in their full measure. "Thanks, Obama" muttered Warrant Officer Brown. His world filled with fire and debris, and then he knew no more.

D-Pad posted:

These political story posts are some of my favorite. There are at least two more "sequels" to this one. The Strom Thurmond lich posts are art and I believe there were some Mitchbot posts that were pretty good.

Also yea "in the distance a beaver roared" is one of the best sentences ever posted on these dead forums. We just really don't get these type of quality posts like we used to, I miss those days.

haveblue posted:

There's also the Jesse Helms obituary, but that one is, uh, reflective of an older forums culture

haveblue posted:

There's also the Jesse Helms obituary, but that one is, uh, reflective of an older forums culture

Biplane posted:

It's still one of the all time greats, I have to say.

haveblue posted:

There's also the Jesse Helms obituary, but that one is, uh, reflective of an older forums culture

quote:

autopsy-turvey posted:
This week the shriveled husk of million term United States Senator and malevolent lich Jesse Helms was sealed in a bleak crypt deep beneath the sands of his native Stygia, North Carolina. Flowers placed on his grave by grieving shitheads withered and died within seconds.

Helms, known to friends and slaves alike as an unredeemed racist, was famous in the Senate for his passionate defense of segregation, opposition to the civil and voting rights acts, and his black crusade against the sun and all things which draw life from it.

As one of the first conservative talk radio hosts of the 1960’s Helms pioneered the technique of getting poor stupid whites to vote against their own interests by tricking them into hulking the gently caress out over black people, immigrants, and the betrayal of the Confederacy by jews, liberals, and the hated abstract concept of literacy. He went on to parley his repulsive backwoods celebrity with the curbstomp set into a long career in government where he played a prominent role in the unbelievably vicious and petty dixiecrat movement. His leadership resulted in a fundamental realignment of the American domestic political scene over the question of just how much we should hate n*****s (”A whole lot”, contended Helms).

Long considered a strong contender for “worst person in the entire world” Helms in his declining years began to find that limited title constraining. Last summer recess he gathered together all the educated mulattos and wizened negro shaman from the swamps and dungeons of his grim feudal demesne and began a search for the blackest of black tomes, arts, and metal. That search culminated last week in his ascension to lichdom with the completion of a vile phylactery in the form of a fat lipped bejeweled bone sambo, pulsating with false life and the rhythm of hot jungle beats. His triumph over death itself coincides with a departure from this plane of existence for the astral realms, where he will spend the next thousand years pursuing recognition as the “worst person in the entire metaverse.”

Here on Earth Helms will be remembered as a southern gentleman, a family man, and the kind of guy that’ll eventually turn out to have dozens of child sized skeletons buried in his yard and whose family members when interviewed will say they thought he just liked collecting tiny shoes.

Tags: lichcraft, n*****s

quote:

Helms, known to friends and slaves alike as an unredeemed racist, was famous in the Senate for his passionate defense of segregation, opposition to the civil and voting rights acts, and his black crusade against the sun and all things which draw life from it.

quote:

Here on Earth Helms will be remembered as a southern gentleman, a family man, and the kind of guy that’ll eventually turn out to have dozens of child sized skeletons buried in his yard and whose family members when interviewed will say they thought he just liked collecting tiny shoes.

BOOTY-ADE posted:

Censored/edited for obvious reasons

Biplane posted:

Funny Forum Quotes: Censored/edited for obvious reasons

quote:

King Hussein Obama I, flanked by his bodyguards, stepped out of his blinged Limoscalade and marched up the gold-lined marble steps of Washington Palace. It should have been a glorious day, yet under his heavy yet exquisite crown of carved human fetus-ivory his brow was ridged deeply as he silently brooded. Still, his posse, boomboxes on their shoulders, dance-walked up the steps, chains and gats jangling over the din as they grabbed their crotches.

As his trusted associates T-Von and Mook-Mook the Bushman pushed open the grand organic farm-grown cruelty-free redwood doors paid for by his 95% tax rate, he stepped into the antechamber of the gold-domed palace. Outside, ShariaVentalism reigned, but in here his word was law, and all his white teen sex slaves cowered before his glare more than even the hemp whips of their latte-drinking tweeded atheist masters.

He walked down the hallway toward his office and a prisoner in chains passed before him, lead by two turban-wearing Mexicans. He spotted the King and began shouting curses.

"You loving fascist! I knew it! I knew it! I told them, but they wouldn't listen, that your health care platform was a slippery slope to all this! You won't get away with this! The will of the Free Market will not be denied!"
"Seelenceo een the prezence of the Keeng, preesoner!"

King Obama spotted a chance to improve his ill mood.

"Bring him here. Good. Give me his file." The king looked over the prisoner's dossier. A long list of crimes against the state, and a repeat offender.
"You'll never get away with this! Never!"
"Hush now, Mr. Jack. We have ways of dealing with unruly sorts such as yourself."
"Praise be to Allah, seenyor."
"Peh! I spit at your torture! The Free Market gives me strength!"
"Oh, no, not anything as gauche as torture."

The King grabbed a syringe from the outstretched hand of one of his nearby breakdancing bodyguards, and plunged it into the man's helpless neck.

"Now you are immune to rubella."

Kyle's lingering, echoing screams of tormented horror brought a slight smile like a crack in Obama's stony brown face as he walked into his lavish velvet-lined office and shut the door behind him. He motioned for his bodyguards to leave the room, and he addressed the giant screens hanging over his desk.

"Screen one on. Connect to Emperor bin Laden of Eurabia. Screen two: Hugo Chavez of the U.S.S.A.R.. Screen three: The High Elder of Zion."

The three figures appeared live via satelite.

"Gentlemen," began Obama darkly, "it's time to have...a conversation."

Mr. Camanator posted:

It goes without saying (but I'll go ahead and say it anyway): the moderators on these forums (https://www.somethingawful.com/forums) do a lot for this community. One could even say their job is "necessary". They spend countless errors maintaining the high levels of quality posts we know and love from such sub-forums as "General Bullshit" and others.

While the pay check they receive twice a month from Something Awful LLC reimburses them for some of their time, does it do so adequately? I would hazard to say that: it does not.

How much do our selfless moderators get paid exactly?

Are they paid on an hourly basis? Or perhaps a commission system? ($5.00 dollars for every ban, $2.50 for every probation??)

What about medical insurance? Referal bonuses?? 401k? is there a match also paid by the company? What about paid vacations? I'm sure many of them have neglected families who could use a little daddy time.

(USER WAS BANNED FOR THIS POST)

emgeejay posted:

https://twitter.com/juchemane/status/1659768759500824576?s=61&t=0u0iPLgsrw9rb7UXErdBQA

hatty posted:

Was that written by an AI?

Riptor posted:

AI Jean

infernal machines posted:

duz posted:

see how far he's stretching it? i can only open mine like this big around

The Wicked ZOGA posted:

Here's another classic

Breetai posted:

Are both absolute bangers.

SplitSoul posted:

The tiny shoes is cribbing from a Bill Hicks bit about Helms.

SplitSoul posted:

The tiny shoes is cribbing from a Bill Hicks bit about Helms.

Pen Expers posted:

I have vague memories of reading the 'Romney Death Rally' posts but I forget if that was an entire thread or people just posting away around the 2012 GOP convention.

Pen Expers posted:

Ah that makes sense, I wasn't finding much with search.

Chris Knight posted:

never heard a person irl say "sexy"

jesus WEP posted:

wish i could say i was surprised, but

Snowglobe of Doom posted:

It's ripped but also thicc


There's even a facebook page dedicated to that statue's booty

Tighclops posted:

you never go rear end to moth

SplitSoul posted:

The tiny shoes is cribbing from a Bill Hicks bit about Helms.