r/relationships: I have nothing against this baby.

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > r/relationships: I have nothing against this baby.

haveblue: Aug 15, 2005; Toilet Rascal

StrangersInTheNight posted:

it's fully spinning out at no longer having control over the situation and deciding to be petty with the remaining influence they do have

'you wanna divorce me?? well just for that, I'll make it the most painful, miserable experience it can be! even if its worse for me as well, at least I'll know we're both in hell'

I think the question is, why do you need the other person's consent to end the marriage in the first place? Why can't it be entirely one-sided, like a non-marriage breakup, or exiting most other kinds of contract?

I assume the answer is "historical patriachy"

# ? Mar 25, 2024 15:24

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# ? May 29, 2024 23:28

Fork of Unknown Origins: Oct 21, 2005; Gotta Herd On?

Elfface posted:

I don't understand how 'I won't sign the papers' etc. is a thing, other than 'women are property and not allowed to run away' holdovers. If someone wants a divorce, division of assets etc. might take time and need a lawyer, but the process of 'ok you aren't married any more' seems like it should take five minutes.

"I don't want to be married to this person any more."
"Well I DO want them to still be married to me!"
Best get a judge, no way to easily pick what's ethical here!

The courts are overloaded and when the parties are arguing over who wants what it can take a while before the legal system has time to sort it out.

# ? Mar 25, 2024 15:25

Pantaloon Pontiff: Jun 25, 2023

Elfface posted:

I don't understand how 'I won't sign the papers' etc. is a thing, other than 'women are property and not allowed to run away' holdovers. If someone wants a divorce, division of assets etc. might take time and need a lawyer, but the process of 'ok you aren't married any more' seems like it should take five minutes.

"I don't want to be married to this person any more."
"Well I DO want them to still be married to me!"
Best get a judge, no way to easily pick what's ethical here!

The division of joint assets, decisions on child custody, sorting out major changes in legal status, and the like all take time, and ethically the marriage shouldn't end until that's sorted out because 'not being married' has significant effects. For example, being 'no longer married' means you're no longer a spouse for insurance coverage, do you really think one partner in the marriage should be able to just cut the other completely out of health, life, and car insurance in five minutes with a simple statement to a judge? Do you think that someone should be able to file paperwork that says 'Joe wants to divorce Jim' and have Jim's access to Joe in the hospital immediately cut off? On the flip side of 'women are property and not allowed to run away', what about 'Jim divorces Jane, Jim takes Jane's name off of any joint accounts since she's not a spouse and thus not entitled to be there, Jane now has no money for rent or food and no income since she was a SAHM' or 'GI Joe divorces Jane, Jane now immediately is no longer eligible to stay in her house on the military base since she is not the spouse of someone in the Army'.

I mean, if there's no joint assets, no children, and no complicated legal entanglement to be sorted out in a potential divorce and you want to be able to get divorced in five minutes, why get a state marriage in the first place? You can call someone your husband, wife, or spouse without a legal marriage, and then you can stop calling them that without even a five minute delay at any time you want. I'd love to see a bunch of the laws around marriage overhauled, but I don't think 'five minute one-party divorce' should be a thing - if there are no issues to sort out in the divorce, then the marriage was probably not needed in the first place.

Plus expecting a court to do anything in 'five minutes' is just wildly unrealistic even when they're not overloaded, like pretty much all US courts are.

# ? Mar 25, 2024 16:32

Halloween Jack: Sep 12, 2003; I WILL CUT OFF BOTH OF MY ARMS BEFORE I VOTE FOR ANYONE THAT IS MORE POPULAR THAN BERNIE!!!!!

Odd posted:

Oooh my friend, what you have there is a verifiable rock from back in the 80s, straight from the CIA themselves. I'll give you 5 dollars for it and i'll suck yo *Antiques Roadshow has been cancelled*

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yfxCgWy0eCc

# ? Mar 25, 2024 16:33

sullat: Jan 9, 2012

FMguru posted:

Remember this open marriage story from a couple of weeks ago?

AITAH for finding someone else when wife opened our relationship?

Well, it got an update

Predictable, but still LOL. My favorite detail is still the wife being "shocked" that her husband was able to land someone so beautiful.

Not quite sure how she can make the process difficult and drawn out. No kids, the infidelity was mutually agreed to, the only joint property is easily-split liquid assets - even with her throwing every monkey wrench she can into the process, I don't see how it can dragged out for that long.

Spousal support & refusing to sign things mostly

# ? Mar 25, 2024 17:19

Cloacamazing!: Apr 18, 2018; Too cute to be evil

Pantaloon Pontiff posted:

The division of joint assets, decisions on child custody, sorting out major changes in legal status, and the like all take time, and ethically the marriage shouldn't end until that's sorted out because 'not being married' has significant effects. For example, being 'no longer married' means you're no longer a spouse for insurance coverage, do you really think one partner in the marriage should be able to just cut the other completely out of health, life, and car insurance in five minutes with a simple statement to a judge? Do you think that someone should be able to file paperwork that says 'Joe wants to divorce Jim' and have Jim's access to Joe in the hospital immediately cut off? On the flip side of 'women are property and not allowed to run away', what about 'Jim divorces Jane, Jim takes Jane's name off of any joint accounts since she's not a spouse and thus not entitled to be there, Jane now has no money for rent or food and no income since she was a SAHM' or 'GI Joe divorces Jane, Jane now immediately is no longer eligible to stay in her house on the military base since she is not the spouse of someone in the Army'.

I mean, if there's no joint assets, no children, and no complicated legal entanglement to be sorted out in a potential divorce and you want to be able to get divorced in five minutes, why get a state marriage in the first place? You can call someone your husband, wife, or spouse without a legal marriage, and then you can stop calling them that without even a five minute delay at any time you want. I'd love to see a bunch of the laws around marriage overhauled, but I don't think 'five minute one-party divorce' should be a thing - if there are no issues to sort out in the divorce, then the marriage was probably not needed in the first place.

Plus expecting a court to do anything in 'five minutes' is just wildly unrealistic even when they're not overloaded, like pretty much all US courts are.

All of that stuff is fair, but my country at least requires people to be separated and do counseling for an entire year before they're allowed to start the divorce proceedings, which seems overkill. Presumably at the point where you decide you want a divorce, you have already tried other things and thought this through, so forcibly adding an entire year at least to this process seems like it's meant to make people decide that this is too much effort. Keep in mind the separation requires you to live separately, so that's even more time spent in a marriage at least one person doesn't want to be in any more.

# ? Mar 25, 2024 17:27

Chef Boyardeez Nuts: Sep 9, 2011; The more you kick against the pricks, the more you suffer.

Fil5000 posted:

There's no reason for divorce to be anything other than easy and cheap aside from us all repeatedly voting conservatives into positions of power. And even then in the UK we made one of the worlds most divorced men into our prime minister and as a result our divorce process got streamlined. It still costs six hundred quid though.

Edit: It used to be you had to cite a reason for a divorce. The "valid" reasons were adultery, "unreasonable behaviour", two years separation if you both agreed to the divorce and FIVE years if one party didn't. Literally no point to those delays.

Getting rid of no-fault divorces is increasingly becoming a standard American right wing legislative priority.

# ? Mar 25, 2024 17:33

Splicer: Oct 16, 2006; from hell's heart I cast at thee
🧙🐀🧹🌙🪄🐸

sullat posted:

Spousal support & refusing to sign things mostly

I assume there's a point of "refusing to sign things" that whatever the divorce equivalent of default judgement kicks in.

# ? Mar 25, 2024 17:38

pentyne: Nov 7, 2012

haveblue posted:

I think the question is, why do you need the other person's consent to end the marriage in the first place? Why can't it be entirely one-sided, like a non-marriage breakup, or exiting most other kinds of contract?

I assume the answer is "historical patriachy"

It's a termination of a contract so you don't 'need' the other person's consent they can just make it as difficult as possible to wind down the joint venture. They can just get served a legal notice to get the process started, which becomes its own hassle.

Gary Owens has talked about his divorce where he was dodging process servers from his wife who filed in CA and she was dodging his process server from his filing in OH. If I remember correctly after several months of him having a guy who would stop people coming up to him at his comedy shows, his server finally served his wife by catching her stuck in a fast food drive through.

# ? Mar 25, 2024 17:38

The_Franz: Aug 8, 2003

Cloacamazing! posted:

All of that stuff is fair, but my country at least requires people to be separated and do counseling for an entire year before they're allowed to start the divorce proceedings, which seems overkill. Presumably at the point where you decide you want a divorce, you have already tried other things and thought this through, so forcibly adding an entire year at least to this process seems like it's meant to make people decide that this is too much effort. Keep in mind the separation requires you to live separately, so that's even more time spent in a marriage at least one person doesn't want to be in any more.

The people I know in the US who went through the no-fault divorce process still took over 6 months to finalize everything, because there was a mandatory 5 month cooling off period, which seems excessive given that, like you said, by the time the paperwork is filed, other measures were already exhausted and things are likely already well past the point of no return.

Likewise, simplifying the system to be able to unilaterally pull a "surprise, you aren't married anymore!" move on a person could be used to really gently caress people over.

# ? Mar 25, 2024 17:51

zynga dot com: Nov 11, 2001; wtf jill im not a bear!!!

A dossier and a state of melted brains: The Jess campaign has it all.

I used to practice family law, and I've had to go to court for things as dumb as both parties refusing to agree on who should clean the garage out before selling the house and each asking the judge to order the other one to do it. You can be extremely petty if you're creative enough.

# ? Mar 25, 2024 18:05

trickybiscuits: Jan 13, 2008; yospos

quote:

DEAR AMY: Several years ago, my father and his wife visited me for a week.

I spared no expense trying to ensure that they enjoyed themselves, particularly his wife. (She married him after I was grown. My own mother died when I was five.)

The week was full of shopping, casino time, outdoor activities, and sightseeing.

I thought it went great.

After our �guests� departed my wife dropped a bomb on me. Apparently, my father�s wife had spent the week trashing both my father and me to my wife. She advised my wife to divorce me and to �take him for everything you can.�

I was LIVID! How DARE she?

After hearing this, I picked up the phone and called my father to demand an explanation and to get an apology.

His wife answered the phone and I do admit that I didn�t hold back. (I called her a �rotten b**ch.�)

I then told my father, only to have him lay into me.

I hung up on him, and ended up writing him a long letter where I laid out my position. I demanded an apology; otherwise I never wanted to hear from him again.

I haven�t heard from him since.

Also, I guess my wife took his wife�s suggestion, because she did end up divorcing me, while my father is still married to his �prize� of a human being. Go figure.

My father is now in hospice care. He refuses to see me or speak to me because of how I spoke to his wife.

I want to see him one last time and to let him know that I love him.

I can�t STAND his wife and believe that she is playing a role in manipulating his decision to shut me out. What do I do?

� The �Bad� Son

quote:
DEAR SON: You are blaming everything that has happened on your father�s wife. However, you seem to have set subsequent events in motion by reaming her out, using unacceptable (and unforgettable) language. Of course your father defended her! What choice did he have?

(And isn�t it possible that your ex-wife invented or inflated what she reported to you?)

After your aggression, you boxed your father in further by demanding an apology and laying out your non-negotiable, without copping to your own unfortunate behavior.

You let this go on for years.

I suggest that you travel to see your father immediately in order to try to make peace with him before it is too late. You should suck it up and apologize to his wife (she likely controls access), apologize to him, and do everything possible to reconcile.

Missing missing reasons from the adult child's side, an interesting variation

# ? Mar 25, 2024 18:19

Pantaloon Pontiff: Jun 25, 2023

Cloacamazing! posted:

All of that stuff is fair, but my country at least requires people to be separated and do counseling for an entire year before they're allowed to start the divorce proceedings, which seems overkill. Presumably at the point where you decide you want a divorce, you have already tried other things and thought this through, so forcibly adding an entire year at least to this process seems like it's meant to make people decide that this is too much effort. Keep in mind the separation requires you to live separately, so that's even more time spent in a marriage at least one person doesn't want to be in any more.

Yes, my state generally requires a one-year seperation before you can get a no-fault divorce and I don't think it should. But that doesn't mean that a divorce should be a five-minute procedure as easy as deciding 'we're not going steady anymore', especially when only one party has agreed to the terms of the divorce, there are joint assets, children, and legal statuses involved. And like I said before if there aren't joint assets, kids, or any legal statuses to worry about, why bother getting the state involved with the marriage at all? Just call yourselves married under whatever religion or tradition or fiction you like, and don't get the courts involved to begin with.

# ? Mar 25, 2024 18:24

Chef Boyardeez Nuts: Sep 9, 2011; The more you kick against the pricks, the more you suffer.

And there are whole law firms who specialize in making it agonizing for your spouse (while also billing you by the hour for the privilege).

# ? Mar 25, 2024 18:29

mystes: May 31, 2006

trickybiscuits posted:

Missing missing reasons from the adult child's side, an interesting variation

There is clearly so much missing information here that I am amazed they would even attempt to respond to it

# ? Mar 25, 2024 18:32

MagusofStars: Mar 31, 2012

zynga dot com posted:

I used to practice family law, and I've had to go to court for things as dumb as both parties refusing to agree on who should clean the garage out before selling the house and each asking the judge to order the other one to do it. You can be extremely petty if you're creative enough.

I love the pettiness of hundreds of dollars on legal fees just prove "I am right and want to make you deal with it, you rear end in a top hat" rather than spending like an hour tossing poo poo into trash bags.

# ? Mar 25, 2024 18:34

FMguru: Sep 10, 2003; peed on;
sexually

What happens when the Spirit of Pete crosses over with the Ghost of Columbo

AITAH, For immediately dumping my gf because she lied

quote:

So, a bit of context. I (M24) had been dating my now ex (W21), who will be referred to as K, for roughly 1.5 years up to this point a few days ago. Having dealt with getting cheated on in HS, I made it very clear to her that I tolerate no level of cheating and any which case would immediately end our relationship. She stays out of state from me, but not terribly far at only 45 mins drive between us, so we see each other every other week as we both work and I'm in college. She informed me a few weeks prior that she had a friend coming into town and that he wanted some weed, but they are a medical only state, and I'm in a recreational state. So, in turn, I give her some pre-rolls to give to him once he gets into town. Now, at this point, I have no sense of mistrust in K at all. She told the get down about how they were gonna link for a gym session and he'd grab the joints, and that'd be it. I haven't bothered to ask for his name, what he looks like, etc. All I knew was that they went to HS together, they hadn't seen each other in a couple years, and he was coming into town to visit family at no exact date.

Now to what happened. A few days ago I was getting plans ready for a date we had setup the next day. K told me she had to work this day so I was tasked with all the planning. I was texting K about it trying to setup time frames of when she'd be here, where to eat, etc. This is when I noticed her Snapchat location was turned off. This is concerning because shes never had it off and we share each others locations at all given times. I asked her whats the deal and she says she turned it off for safety concerns since she didnt want everyone seeing it all the time anymore. This confused me since she can choose to just share it with me alone. I just push it aside as me being paranoid... until she didnt respond back to my texts for 2hrs. Now for most this wouldn't raise any concern as shes at work, she could be busy, etc. But she works at a small food spot and they have never been busy enough to the point she doesnt respond for 2hrs and she had always been telling me about how they dont have a lot of business. Fast forward another hour as I was leaving a workout sesh, I see that she still hadnt replied. I dont know how, but I get a sinking gut feeling that somethings off. Theres too many red flags to ignore, so I make a decision to take the 45min drive all the way to her job...

When I get there, I don't see her car outside... I cant write it off yet as shes gotten sent home early before due to slow business, so I drive to her house... Shes not there either. Now I'm alarmed. To be sure, I drive all the way back to her job and walk inside to ask one of the staff working up front if K had been into work today... They say no...

At this point I'm mad and I let it get the best of me. Once i step outside, I immediately text her that I never wanna see her face ever again and I drive home. In this hastiness, i forget that the same food spot, has a second location and that shes sometimes been staffed there, but hasnt been recently, which is why it slipped my mind.

I get home and I'm still pissed, but I realized I could've been wrong and acted out too soon. Until she finally responds to my texts, right at 10:07pm, that she just got off work... This added to my level of suspensionbecause, the main location I visited, that she works at, closes at 10pm, but the 2nd location closes at 9pm. Shes asking what I meant by that last text and called me once, which I declined. At this point, I still needed to close all doors to be sure of myself, so I decided to call her back.

I'm under the impression that she doesn't know I stopped by her job, so i keep it that way. I ask her why has she not been responding to me and she gives a comical excuse about how her boss got pissed at her co-worker for being on their phone so he told them they couldnt use their phones on shift anymore. I knew this was a BS excuse, but I needed to catch her slip up, so I trail it to a normal conversation about her day UNTIL, she slips up and says that she'd only been working at the main store this whole pay period... and that sealed it. I caught her in the lie and finally decided to ask her the real questions, which went like this...

Me: "So, K, where were you actually at, all day today?"

K: "What do you mean? I was at work all day?"

Me: "I drove to your job, and you weren't there. Again, where were you actually at?"

K: "I- I was in the back kitchen with the cooks."

Me: "I asked your co-worker, and they said you didn't work today, so where were you actually at all day!!!"

K: *silence*

And I hang up after about 10 seconds of silence...

That was it. I had emotionally checked out at that point and was no longer interested in what she had to say. She tried to call me and texted me saying to let her explain and she said that yes, she had been hanging out with her friend all day, but nothing happened. She said that they had gone to the gym, gotten some lunch, and then decided to get a motel room to smoke some of the joints because his family didn't like him smoking weed and they didn't want to smoke in their cars either. I didn't wanna hear any of it. She had lied to me 5 times already, and I gave her every opportunity to tell me the truth, and she lied and expects me to believe anything else she has to say? Yea, I'm good on that. Her friend even decided to text me, trying to explain it, and wanted to apologize about trying to do me like that. This just pisses me off even more like "ohhhh so you both knew and were trying to play me like a fool." Hes trying to convince me about how much she cares about me, trying to have a "man to man" discussion, meanwhile K is trying to talk about how much shes afraid to lose me and poo poo. I told K that I didn't wanna hear any of it anymore and that I wanna just end it right there and now. Told her I wouldn't even bad mouth her to our mutual friends or anything, but that I never wanted to see her again.

And thats that. Shes not tried to contact me any further since that night, and neither has her friend. She took down our couples photos on all her social media and so now I've had some of our mutuals come through trying to convince me to talk to her and work things out, but I've shot them all down. They keep saying that I dont know for certain if K and her friend actually "did" anything, which is true, but in my mind, lying to your significant other about being at work, to spend a day with someone they know next to nothing about is cheating.

Good firm spine, OP. Some excellent detective work in there, too. I especially liked the comically weak story the now-ex eventually settled on to try to sell to the OP (got a motel room to smoke weed in? that's the best she could come up with?)

# ? Mar 25, 2024 18:46

sullat: Jan 9, 2012

Splicer posted:

I assume there's a point of "refusing to sign things" that whatever the divorce equivalent of default judgement kicks in.

Yeah but it still takes some time since you have to get a couple of no-shows at court to get the judge to sign off on it.

e: in the NY Times story about the last Jew in Afghanistan if you read between the lines it sounds like one of the reasons he doesn't want to leave is that if he goes to Israel his wife will be able to divorce him and he wants to drag out the process.

sullat fucked around with this message at 19:06 on Mar 25, 2024

# ? Mar 25, 2024 19:03

Pantaloon Pontiff: Jun 25, 2023

quote:

AITAH, For immediately dumping my gf because she lied

Dude made the right call, if someone is arguing 'you don't know if anything ACTUALLY' happened you should just treat it as the thing actually happened. The lying and misdirection is a problem, and indicates that she was planning to do something, even if she didn't follow through with it. Also anytime mutual friends are pressuring one person to give the other one 'a chance' like this, I'm pretty sure that the one who needs a chance has been spreading a really biased version of events.

MagusofStars posted:

I love the pettiness of hundreds of dollars on legal fees just prove "I am right and want to make you deal with it, you rear end in a top hat" rather than spending like an hour tossing poo poo into trash bags.

LOL if you're limiting it to 'hundreds', that's the bare minimum for getting a lawyer involved or filing much paperwork. Relatively ordinary (that is, not super-rich) people spend tens of thousands of dollars on this kind of thing.

# ? Mar 25, 2024 19:04

mystes: May 31, 2006

FMguru posted:

What happens when the Spirit of Pete crosses over with the Ghost of Columbo

AITAH, For immediately dumping my gf because she lied

Good firm spine, OP. Some excellent detective work in there, too. I especially liked the comically weak story the now-ex eventually settled on to try to sell to the OP (got a motel room to smoke weed in? that's the best she could come up with?)

If the girlfriend hadn't said they got a motel, I could see him just being wrong about it, especially if she was sometimes sent to the other location, even if he thought the times matched up, because people will decide something like the location status just changed when it really has been off for like 6 months and they just didn't notice.

But why would they rent a motel room to smoke weed lol; given that she was obviously cheating on him.

# ? Mar 25, 2024 19:09

rotinaj: Sep 5, 2008; Fun Shoe

Why yes, the one thing that you can do in a motel room that they will be able to notice after you leave, that makes perfect sense

Don�t, like, go to the woods or the beach or a public park or anything to smoke, where the wind will take it away, go to an enclosed space that just so happens to have a bed

Great excuse, totally buy it

# ? Mar 25, 2024 19:14

Lugubrious: Jul 2, 2004

Yeah I'm guessing that once she found out he knew about her not being at work, she got worried he might know about the hotel room somehow too, and just hadn't revealed it yet. Better get out in front of it! We totally weren't boning in the hotel room, we were just smoking weed!

# ? Mar 25, 2024 19:16

Halloween Jack: Sep 12, 2003; I WILL CUT OFF BOTH OF MY ARMS BEFORE I VOTE FOR ANYONE THAT IS MORE POPULAR THAN BERNIE!!!!!

Pantaloon Pontiff posted:

Dude made the right call, if someone is arguing 'you don't know if anything ACTUALLY' happened you should just treat it as the thing actually happened.

Don't be a fool! If he can't prove that she did it, then Relationship Court isn't going to allow him to just break up with her!

# ? Mar 25, 2024 19:19

AKA Pseudonym: May 16, 2004; A dashing and sophisticated young man; Doctor Rope

AITA for yelling at my son for "not trusting us"

quote:

My (44f) son (16m) recently got a job after searching for a while. He recently got his first paycheck and talked about buying a car. I was supportive and asked him what sort of car he intended to buy. He said he was gonna find the cheapest "squak - box"(?) he could find.

I asked him why he would buy a cheaper car when I and his dad or a bank could loan him the money. He said " I don't trust nobody, I want the car to be completely my own, no banks no loans no nothing". I asked why? He said cause if he forgets a loan or something the bank could take it away, and there's interest and leases and its too complicated, so he just wanted to buy and be done. I said, well what about us, we won't charge you interest on the loan. He siad yeah, but if your mad at me or something you can just take the car away. I said why would we do that.

He said I dont know but I dont want to risk it, I just want it to be my car, completely. I said if your paying for it why would we take it away? Also what if your bad car breaks down? Then what

He said oh I got a friend who's dad owns an auto-shop, he'll put in a new motor for me, since I'm the only reason hes passed math for like the last 2 years, and physics. I was mad at this point since he had planned so well to avoid me and his dad and I said do you trust us that little?

He said well yeah I don't trust anyone, I just want it to be my car, no one else involved, no risks involved. I said I can't believe you would think that of us, go to your room. He went up extremely annoyed and hasn't spoken to me since. I now think I over-exaggerated

# ? Mar 25, 2024 19:20

BOOTY-ADE: Aug 30, 2006; BIG KOOL TELLIN' Y'ALL TO KEEP IT TIGHT

Elfface posted:

I don't understand how 'I won't sign the papers' etc. is a thing, other than 'women are property and not allowed to run away' holdovers. If someone wants a divorce, division of assets etc. might take time and need a lawyer, but the process of 'ok you aren't married any more' seems like it should take five minutes.

"I don't want to be married to this person any more."
"Well I DO want them to still be married to me!"
Best get a judge, no way to easily pick what's ethical here!

To be fair I've seen & heard it on both sides with someone refusing to sign/meet, making excuses, or coming up with all sorts of poo poo to drag out the divorce. I don't know all the details but I know my older brother did that to his ex wife, I think the whole process went on for almost 5 years start to finish (yes, he's a piece of garbage & I went NC a while ago).

# ? Mar 25, 2024 19:25

odiv: Jan 12, 2003

How dare you think we would punish you like a child. Go to your room!

# ? Mar 25, 2024 19:28

Pantaloon Pontiff: Jun 25, 2023

AKA Pseudonym posted:

AITA for yelling at my son for "not trusting us"
He siad yeah, but if your mad at me or something you can just take the car away. I said why would we do that.

He said well yeah I don't trust anyone, I just want it to be my car, no one else involved, no risks involved. I said I can't believe you would think that of us, go to your room. He went up extremely annoyed and hasn't spoken to me since. I now think I over-exaggerated

Yeah, no idea why this son wouldn't trust the mom not to take the car away, sounds like there's something terribly wrong with the kid and the mother is being completely reasonable!

# ? Mar 25, 2024 19:40

trickybiscuits: Jan 13, 2008; yospos

quote:

We moved to a lakefront house. Our grandsons (5 and 7) were over with their mother. After dinner, as the adults were cleaning up, we told the kids not to go near the water. However, the 5-year-old did so anyway and would not obey when we told him to get out and come back by the house. I had to pick him up and carry him, kicking and screaming, and sit him in a chair. He was still defiant and screaming for several minutes. The incident spoiled a really fun day. My DIL approved, as he often won�t listen and is punished with time-outs at home. If we had not seen him, it could have led to a tragic outcome. We want the grandkids to have fun but stay safe. We can threaten punishment, but this won�t necessarily stop the behavior. So, I have two questions. What can we do beforehand to prevent this and did I take the correct action at the time?

quote:
You absolutely took the correct action in the moment, and I�m glad that your daughter-in-law agreed. Sounds like you, your child, and your daughter-in-law need to have a family meeting about lake house safety. I think there are a few rules and next steps you all could consider to keep the grandkids safe.

First off, get the kids enrolled in swimming lessons, including how to do a back float and how to get out of the water (I don�t know if the lake is a drop-off or not). Private lessons will have them progressing more quickly than group classes and can be more tailored to their abilities, if the parents can swing it and time is of the essence.

You can also invest in safety equipment. Keep life jackets by the back door or another easy landmark and make it a rule that they are always worn around the water. Empower the older brother to be a bit of a whistleblower if he knows the younger one is breaking the rules�you can even keep a literal whistle by the property�s edge for any emergency where you need to get the attention of folks inside the house. Windsocks or other flags can demarcate a line beyond which the kids can�t go without an adult.

I�m sure you and the kids� parents can come up with other ideas when you have the conversation. Even these measures might not be enough, though, if you have a strong-willed kid who isn�t willing or able to comply with safety rules. At that point, you might have to make some hard decisions about whether they visit, or how those visits are structured around the kids.

Finally, although this is less about your grandkid, it bears noting that water can be dangerous for anyone. It would probably be a good idea for you and your spouse, and any frequently visiting family members, to get trained in CPR. Hopefully, it will never be necessary.

I approve of the "physically remove child from situation" approach. But you have to keep an eye on kids anywhere near water. You can't trust a five-year-old. It's an untrustworthy age. Commenters are suggesting latches on the doors, too high for a little kid to reach.

# ? Mar 25, 2024 19:45

John Wick of Dogs: Mar 4, 2017; A real hellraiser

FMguru posted:

What happens when the Spirit of Pete crosses over with the Ghost of Columbo

AITAH, For immediately dumping my gf because she lied

Good firm spine, OP. Some excellent detective work in there, too. I especially liked the comically weak story the now-ex eventually settled on to try to sell to the OP (got a motel room to smoke weed in? that's the best she could come up with?)

She was lying about being at work but if she was there any employee in their right mind if someone asked if she was there would say no. If some dude comes to a workplace and asks if someone is there and you don't intimately know their relationship and who this person is, you always say no. Could be a stalker, could be an ex. Never reveal the location of someone to somebody asking.

# ? Mar 25, 2024 19:46

Baronjutter: Dec 31, 2007; "Tiny Trains"

So here's the fun a divorce can have even if you don't own a house or have any kids or really anything. Guy I knew was cheated on so just instantly broke up and moved out of their shared 1br apartment. They both had good jobs so she could afford the place on her own, and he got a new place on his own. For no reason she tried to do everything she could to make the divorce as slow and miserable as possible. But like, what could she possible do? Not much really, or so he thought. Worst she could do is just make it take a long time, he was fine with her having absolutely everything in the apartment so long as he got to cleanly walk away. Over a year goes by and the process is stalled out but who cares, he will be divorced in the end and he can keep ignoring her until then. That is, until he realizes they had some sort of joint account that didn't have much money in it that he didn't even notice. She somehow figured out some weird poo poo she could do through the bank with that account and applying for a mortgage on a condo. I don't quite understand the specifics, but it ended up loving his credit in the short term and preventing him from getting the business loans he needed to launch his company. It only delayed things a few months because lawyers got involved and it was proved she was doing this knowingly to get at him and was considered a form of fraud, but those months were long enough that he lost the option on the workshop space he had arranged, some staff he promised to hire who then had to move away, you name it.

It would be nice if in a divorce like that one party could just press some sort of legal "eject" button and be fully divorced within the week so long as there's no contested assets or you're willing to concede everything.

# ? Mar 25, 2024 19:52

Larry Cum Free: Jun 3, 2022; move it or lose it dillweed

zynga dot com posted:

I used to practice family law, and I've had to go to court for things as dumb as both parties refusing to agree on who should clean the garage out before selling the house and each asking the judge to order the other one to do it. You can be extremely petty if you're creative enough.

I had a contested hearing to vary a parenting order on one day by like 4 hours so a 5 year old kid could stay longer at a birthday party, and not have to be picked up by dad after being dropped off by mom. I had the most bemused judge ever listening to opposing counsel list off the details of this extremely elaborate party for a kindergartener's birthday. My client got kicked out of the courtroom because he couldn't stop having demonstrative, exasperated reactions and muttering poo poo under his breath. I walked out of the courtroom and he was still pacing the vestibule, red faced. I greeted him with "we won, dumbass". Probably cost the parents $3000 between them and literally nothing was accomplished.

e: and these were people who had already finalized their divorce! Have kids? You can keep that legal battle going until all the kids are no longer eligible for support!

Larry Cum Free fucked around with this message at 20:05 on Mar 25, 2024

# ? Mar 25, 2024 20:02

Propaniac: Nov 28, 2000; SUSHI ROULETTO!; College Slice

Carolyn Hax: Dad encourages their young son’s sore-winner behavior

quote:

Dear Carolyn: I fully acknowledge this is a stupid problem, but here goes.

My husband and son, 7, LOVE any kind of game. At first, so did I, but not now. What usually happens is those two collude against me, and I lose almost every time. There’s a particular card game where if those two individually take certain actions, I’m guaranteed to lose. Both of these actions occur at the beginning of the game, so I don’t have a chance before I’ve taken my first turn. The whole experience is ruined if I know I’m going to lose.

When my son and I play alone, he turns into a massive jerk. He constantly accuses me of cheating. He lies about when it’s his turn. He prevents me from doing things in my favor, such as physically throwing away a card I played. But when I put my foot down about not wanting to play with him, he runs to my husband, who thinks I need to grow up. “It’s just a game with a child! Why do you care so much about the rules?”

I’ve explained to my husband MANY times that playing a game I know I’m going to lose isn’t fun. I’ve also stated that, according to his teacher, we need to teach our son how to lose appropriately, which means not letting him win. Although my husband agrees in theory, it doesn’t work out in practice. Because one of them is guaranteed to win a majority of the time, my husband thinks that’s what the teacher meant.

Should I give up at this point?

— Stupid Games, Stupid Prizes

quote:

Stupid Games, Stupid Prizes: No, please don’t give up. New script: “I don’t care At. All. whether I win a game, with a child or anyone else. By describing it as ‘no fun’ to play these no-win games with you two, I see I gave the wrong impression that it was just about the winning itself.

“Here’s what I do care about — very, very much: that I don’t raise a child who is a bad sport, a cheater, a liar, a sore loser or otherwise an unpleasant person to play games with. Who gets consumed by winning. Who doesn’t care about fairness or other people.

“You don’t have to take my word for it that we have taught him some bad lessons and habits. We’re hearing it from his teacher now. So are you going to help me with this?”

If he declines to, and instead opts for that disingenuous innocence, “It’s just a game with a child!!!,” then you have a bigger problem to prioritize and address, roughly spouse-shaped but dangerously childish. So it’s not a stupid problem At. All.

Readers’ thoughts:

· I was taught to play games the way your son is being taught. I could not play board games INTO ADULTHOOD without being a jerk. I could see it happening and couldn’t stop myself. I stopped playing all board games because I didn’t like the person I was when playing them. And only as a parent have I been able to start rediscovering the joy in PLAYING rather than winning. You are right to stop the pattern now. And it’s possible your husband was taught to play like I was.

· This is not a stupid problem, not at all. Kids don’t just suddenly become good sports about stuff when they’re older, if that’s not how they were taught. It’s also very important for you to model good sportsmanship yourself. Which means being gracious when you inevitably lose when they gang up on you.

I'm curious whether anyone knows what this lovely card game is that the OP is talking about.

# ? Mar 25, 2024 20:04

Cyber Punk 90210: Jan 7, 2004; The War Has Changed

Baronjutter posted:

So here's the fun a divorce can have even if you don't own a house or have any kids or really anything. Guy I knew was cheated on so just instantly broke up and moved out of their shared 1br apartment. They both had good jobs so she could afford the place on her own, and he got a new place on his own. For no reason she tried to do everything she could to make the divorce as slow and miserable as possible. But like, what could she possible do? Not much really, or so he thought. Worst she could do is just make it take a long time, he was fine with her having absolutely everything in the apartment so long as he got to cleanly walk away. Over a year goes by and the process is stalled out but who cares, he will be divorced in the end and he can keep ignoring her until then. That is, until he realizes they had some sort of joint account that didn't have much money in it that he didn't even notice. She somehow figured out some weird poo poo she could do through the bank with that account and applying for a mortgage on a condo. I don't quite understand the specifics, but it ended up loving his credit in the short term and preventing him from getting the business loans he needed to launch his company. It only delayed things a few months because lawyers got involved and it was proved she was doing this knowingly to get at him and was considered a form of fraud, but those months were long enough that he lost the option on the workshop space he had arranged, some staff he promised to hire who then had to move away, you name it.

It would be nice if in a divorce like that one party could just press some sort of legal "eject" button and be fully divorced within the week so long as there's no contested assets or you're willing to concede everything.

I've got a similar story with an ex except replace mortgage fraud with tax fraud. I can't eFile anymore and I get flagged for audits all the time

# ? Mar 25, 2024 20:05

MagusofStars: Mar 31, 2012

Pantaloon Pontiff posted:

LOL if you're limiting it to 'hundreds', that's the bare minimum for getting a lawyer involved or filing much paperwork. Relatively ordinary (that is, not super-rich) people spend tens of thousands of dollars on this kind of thing.

True. I was kind of thinking of the cost of only the couple billable hours related to the garage cleaning, not the overall cost of the divorce...but yeah, if we're talking total, the kind of person who's going to be petty over cleaning the garage is sure as poo poo being petty over everything else too.

# ? Mar 25, 2024 20:05

Captain_Maclaine: Sep 30, 2001; Every moment that I'm alive, I pray for death!

Baronjutter posted:

It would be nice if in a divorce like that one party could just press some sort of legal "eject" button and be fully divorced within the week so long as there's no contested assets or you're willing to concede everything.

For the first decade or so* of Bolshevik rule in Soviet Russia, there was this thing called the "postcard divorce" where anyone could legally end a marriage with maybe an hour's worth of paperwork at the local registry office, after which the other partner would be notified by mail (if they weren't physically nearby) that they were no longer married to the one that had initiated the divorce.

*I don't remember exactly when this practice ended, but I'm pretty sure it lasted through the NEP period into Stalin's regime, and was certainly gone by the time he died.

# ? Mar 25, 2024 20:05

Spangly A: May 14, 2009; God help you if ever you're caught on these shores

A man's ambition must indeed be small
To write his name upon a shithouse wall

FMguru posted:

What happens when the Spirit of Pete crosses over with the Ghost of Columbo

AITAH, For immediately dumping my gf because she lied

Good firm spine, OP. Some excellent detective work in there, too. I especially liked the comically weak story the now-ex eventually settled on to try to sell to the OP (got a motel room to smoke weed in? that's the best she could come up with?)

Cheating is bad but this creep drove an hour to stalk his gf because she turned off location and didn't immediately text back when she was supposed to be at work. I hope he stays single.

# ? Mar 25, 2024 20:06

Cloacamazing!: Apr 18, 2018; Too cute to be evil

Pantaloon Pontiff posted:

Yes, my state generally requires a one-year seperation before you can get a no-fault divorce and I don't think it should. But that doesn't mean that a divorce should be a five-minute procedure as easy as deciding 'we're not going steady anymore', especially when only one party has agreed to the terms of the divorce, there are joint assets, children, and legal statuses involved. And like I said before if there aren't joint assets, kids, or any legal statuses to worry about, why bother getting the state involved with the marriage at all? Just call yourselves married under whatever religion or tradition or fiction you like, and don't get the courts involved to begin with.

You shouldn't have an instant "marriage off" button, but one partner should be able to initiate the divorce proceedings without mandatory wait phases or without the other partner's ability to prolong the marriage. Divorce proceedings would include the division of joint assets, legal status, children, etc. My gripe is with the system enforcing wait times before any of this can even get started.

# ? Mar 25, 2024 20:07

idiotsavant: Jun 4, 2000

FMguru posted:

What happens when the Spirit of Pete crosses over with the Ghost of Columbo

AITAH, For immediately dumping my gf because she lied

Good firm spine, OP. Some excellent detective work in there, too. I especially liked the comically weak story the now-ex eventually settled on to try to sell to the OP (got a motel room to smoke weed in? that's the best she could come up with?)

I mean apparently he was right and all but why are you in a relationship with someone if your first reaction to things is to spend like a day and a half stalking them & going down a rabbit hole of relationship paranoia? Dude needs some fuckin therapy asap or needs to stop dating lovely people

# ? Mar 25, 2024 20:10

Fork of Unknown Origins: Oct 21, 2005; Gotta Herd On?

Yeah dude is lucky he was right because it could�ve just as easily been her posting �I stayed home to take care of my mom and my crazy now-ex drove all over town looking for me.�

# ? Mar 25, 2024 20:13

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# ? May 29, 2024 23:28

mystes: May 31, 2006

I guess it sort of depends. I would have thought he was overly paranoid unless she had actually said that they got a motel room, but if, for example, she normally texts him 100 times a day and is constantly telling him where she is and what's happening and always responds to texts immediately, and then she suddenly stops doing that when her friend is around and it's very out of character I could see that arousing suspicion or concern even if he isn't normally paranoid.

mystes fucked around with this message at 20:18 on Mar 25, 2024

# ? Mar 25, 2024 20:16

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > r/relationships: I have nothing against this baby.

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