r/relationships: SPRAYING A FRAGRANCE ON MY PENIS

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > r/relationships: SPRAYING A FRAGRANCE ON MY PENIS

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Batterypowered7: Aug 8, 2009; The mist that chills you keeps me warm.

FMguru posted:

I was thinking something more along the lines of seeing if the French Foreign Legion is hiring.

To take in the baby?

# ? Apr 6, 2024 04:37

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# ? Jun 1, 2024 09:42

quantumwell: Jun 22, 2013

Captain Hygiene posted:

I had an affair and a child resulted. We have done a non court ordered DNA test and I am the biological father. How can I ensure I am not declared the father legally in court?

What a nice guy. Doesn't give a crap about his affair partner or his child but wants no responsibility, no consequences, and no child support.
I hope the partner blabs and sues for child support.

# ? Apr 6, 2024 04:48

Kurieg: Jul 19, 2012; RIP Lutri: 5/19/20-4/2/20

Captain Hygiene posted:

How about a little r/legaladvice content, as a treat:

I had an affair and a child resulted. We have done a non court ordered DNA test and I am the biological father. How can I ensure I am not declared the father legally in court?

Hope you have access to a time machine and an instruction manual about keeping it in your pants, buddy, I think that's your best chance here

That's some powerful passive voice there.

# ? Apr 6, 2024 05:15

Captain Hygiene: Sep 17, 2007; You mess with the crabbo...

An OP involved procreation occurred

# ? Apr 6, 2024 05:16

Troublemaker: Mar 12, 2007

Anyone have a spare spine? Found someone in need of a donation.

I (36M) think my wife (38F) is cheating on me and using me as a cover

quote:

Hello, I'm gonna be straightforward. My wife and I have been married for 9 years now, no kids; great marriage (good compatibility, sex life, lots of shared interests, etc), so I never had any reasons to suspect my wife of infidelity (until recently).

In the summer of 2022, my wife started a new job. Here she mets Mark (32M). My wife and I are very communicative, so I know about Mark from the begin. All I know about him until the summer of 2023 is that he's a friendly coworker of hers, who has helped her navigate her way around in the beginning and are very good friends in the context of work. I know that Mark's married. I'm not aware of them hanging out outside of work during this period of time.

In summer 2023, I get introduced to Mark all of a sudden. My wife and I were getting ready to go to the beach in the morning and she asks me if I mind Mark joining us. As I said, I've always trusted her, so I never thought anything weird about it and said ok. I liked hanging out with Mark that day, he was cool, even treated us to food and drinks. The next time we went out together, he brought his wife with him. Before I knew it, this form of spending time became the norm: Mark + me + my wife / Mark + me + both wives. For a bit I enjoyed having a "squad" like this, probably 'cause I never had that experience when I was younger, and Mark and I actually became quite good friends, we'd even hang out 1 on 1.

Well, this lasted until January of this year. For Christmas / New Year's we went on a skiing trip together (all 4 of us). This is when I started to feel suffocated. Basically each time I'd try to do something alone with my wife, Mark would join. Each time I'd try to tell my wife that this was bothering me, she'd say to chill 'cause the more the merrier. I ended up spending more time with Mark's wife that vacation, 'cause both of us felt like the third wheel. When we returned home, this is how things started to be. I'd tell my wife, hey, let's go have dinner somewhere nice, then she'd tell me Mark's coming too. She'd basically refuse to spend any private time with my outside the house. The situation also made me start finding Mark irritating.

A few weeks ago, I happened to run into someone from their workplace. Couldn't help myself but ask about how they were behaving at work. She told me that they're the "unofficial office couple", that my wife likes to "jokingly" go by Mrs + Mark's last name. She told me she never saw anything physical, but emotionally they are basically acting like a married couple. I told my wife and Mark about this, and they said it's just work gossip. Now about the cover part: my wife won't go out with Mark alone, so she drags me along each time with the pretext of a group meeting. I feel like she does this only so that people don't see her alone in public with him and start suspecting an affair. Mark's wife also has the same suspicions and experience, but Mark just like my wife says it's an overreaction & gossip. We're both just misunderstanding them. To top things off, this week my younger brother "jokingly" asked me if Mark is his new brother-in-law 'cause we seem like a trouple.

My question is: how do I go about to put an end to this? I honestly don't know if I should just put an end to my marriage. Will my wife even ever be honest about this? I love her but this is becoming unbearable.

# ? Apr 6, 2024 05:21

Mx.: Dec 16, 2006; I'm a great fan! When I watch TV I'm always saying "That's political correctness gone mad!"
Why thankyew!

Batterypowered7 posted:

To take in the baby?

kids thrive with structure

# ? Apr 6, 2024 05:23

Barudak: May 7, 2007

Mx. posted:

kids thrive with structure

Babies got 3 months to learn french, so hit them books kiddo

# ? Apr 6, 2024 05:51

titty_baby_: Nov 11, 2015

Troublemaker posted:

Anyone have a spare spine? Found someone in need of a donation.

I (36M) think my wife (38F) is cheating on me and using me as a cover

# ? Apr 6, 2024 06:17

reignonyourparade: Nov 15, 2012

Troublemaker posted:

Anyone have a spare spine? Found someone in need of a donation.

I (36M) think my wife (38F) is cheating on me and using me as a cover

OP should start banging mark's wife

# ? Apr 6, 2024 06:21

John Wick of Dogs: Mar 4, 2017; A real hellraiser

reignonyourparade posted:

OP should start banging mark's wife

Obviously

# ? Apr 6, 2024 06:35

Hughlander: May 11, 2005

FMguru posted:

Here's a cute one for the end of the week

AITAH for the way I responded to my daughter asking if I had a crush?

Good recovery, mom.

Artist's rendition of OP's daughter:

Secret final update buried in comments:

Guy with the butt is gonna get done dirty...

quote:

Alright so here�s the timeline

guy with the butt and I meet in college and become really good friends

my (future) ex husband and I meet soon after

ex husband and I start dating

ex husband and I get into a fight and break up

guy with the butt is my shoulder to cry on and we get close and end up having sex one night

ex husband and I make up and get back together

guy with the butt seemed to have some hurt feelings over it and we drifted apart a bit and eventually lost contact

I regret posting the non-Tuesday version now.

# ? Apr 6, 2024 06:43

Josef bugman: Nov 17, 2011; Pictured: Poster prepares to celebrate Holy Communion (probablY)

This avatar made possible by a gift from the Religionthread Posters Relief Fund

Hughlander posted:

Guy with the butt is gonna get done dirty...

I regret posting the non-Tuesday version now.

I mean it's uni and it does happen, I hope that butt guy and none butt gal can still get together.

# ? Apr 6, 2024 08:02

Mx.: Dec 16, 2006; I'm a great fan! When I watch TV I'm always saying "That's political correctness gone mad!"
Why thankyew!

# ? Apr 6, 2024 08:36

Shanghaied: Oct 12, 2004; BIG PAD

definitely an rear end in a top hat for having steampunk goggles

# ? Apr 6, 2024 10:11

Mx.: Dec 16, 2006; I'm a great fan! When I watch TV I'm always saying "That's political correctness gone mad!"
Why thankyew!

AITA for defending my adult son for "being childish"

quote:

I (47f) have a son (21m), and recently some of my husbands brother and family came over for a little during spring break. They moved to our state earlier this calendar year, and we've both been busy and this was our first chance to really spend some time together. I was setting up for dinner and I brought out the carton of milk as my son quite enjoys milk. MY sil said that her kid (7m) doesnt drink milk and that it was ok and I said oh, no it's for my son. She said oh, ok in an odd tone but I ignored it. My son texted me that he would be 10-15 minutes late so we started without him. When he came in he said hello, washed his hands and came to sit down. As he did he gave his sister (16f) a half noogie, if that makes sense, since he just rubbed his knuckles on her head, then sat down.

After the meal my SIL asked why my son was acting like that and I asked her what she meant, she said well what he did when he sat down, the milk, it just seems childish. I said well him and his sister are close and he was just being playful, and milk is just a drink. She said that he was a grown man and should just drink water and that it wasn't playful it was childish. I told her that she was being ridiculous as I saw nothing childish about it and she said well maybe you should reconsider it. I said I don't think I will, and she said that I was raising an odd son. I told her to just drop it in a quite angry tone and she seemed taken aback. I am starting to think I over reacted, and maybe she is right

# ? Apr 6, 2024 10:17

AreWeDrunkYet: Jul 8, 2006

Mx. posted:

AITA for defending my adult son for "being childish"

Some of these stories need a scale involved as background information. Milk basically exists to put weight on children, if the son is healthy and active there's nothing wrong here but statistically speaking if the story is based in the US chances are he's overweight and the SIL has a point.

# ? Apr 6, 2024 10:36

Fil5000: Jun 23, 2003; HOLD ON GUYS I'M POSTING ABOUT INTERNET ROBOTS

Drinking milk is fine and normal, and having a relationship with your siblings where you can jokingly noogie them seems perfectly fine as well. I AM glad that the OP specified calendar year though, otherwise I would have been wondering if this move happened in the financial or academic year.

# ? Apr 6, 2024 10:43

syntaxfunction: Oct 27, 2010

I mean but also like if someone wants some milk I'm not gonna judge them, probably. Also "a grown man should drink water" I mean I think everyone should drink water but that's just basic hydration, yo.

# ? Apr 6, 2024 10:45

DreamingofRoses: Jun 27, 2013; Nap Ghost

AreWeDrunkYet posted:

Some of these stories need a scale involved as background information. Milk basically exists to put weight on children, if the son is healthy and active there's nothing wrong here but statistically speaking if the story is based in the US chances are he's overweight and the SIL has a point.

I don�t think his health or weight was her primary concern when her point was childishness specifically you loving weirdo.

# ? Apr 6, 2024 11:03

Odd: Dec 30, 2006; I think everybody just needs to maybe cool out a little maybe

AreWeDrunkYet posted:

Some of these stories need a scale involved as background information. Milk basically exists to put weight on children, if the son is healthy and active there's nothing wrong here but statistically speaking if the story is based in the US chances are he's overweight and the SIL has a point.

You can take my glass of milk with meals from me when i'm dead thank you very much

# ? Apr 6, 2024 11:24

Biplane: Jul 18, 2005

Odd posted:

You can take my glass of milk with meals from me when i'm dead thank you very much

I will.

# ? Apr 6, 2024 11:51

Elukka: Feb 18, 2011; For All Mankind

AreWeDrunkYet posted:

Some of these stories need a scale involved as background information. Milk basically exists to put weight on children, if the son is healthy and active there's nothing wrong here but statistically speaking if the story is based in the US chances are he's overweight and the SIL has a point.

This is a very weird take. Milk is not going to be anywhere near the main causes of someone being overweight.

Elukka fucked around with this message at 12:33 on Apr 6, 2024

# ? Apr 6, 2024 12:03

John Wick of Dogs: Mar 4, 2017; A real hellraiser

Milk exists to be an ingredient in cornbread when you are out of Greek yogurt

# ? Apr 6, 2024 12:06

Whorelord: May 1, 2013; Jump into the well...

Milk is for grownups because it exists to be turned into a milkshake that I have with my McDonald's when I've got a raging hangover.

# ? Apr 6, 2024 12:14

Shanghaied: Oct 12, 2004; BIG PAD

I used to work with a guy who didn't drink alcohol, but instead brought milk to parties, like two cartons of the stuff, and just sipped on it through out the evening. We all thought he was a psycho or serial killer.

# ? Apr 6, 2024 12:17

Biplane: Jul 18, 2005

Milk exists to make my tummy hurt :saddowns:

# ? Apr 6, 2024 12:18

Tijuana-A-Go-Go: Aug 2, 2019; Doggles Aficionado

When one of my friends first went sober he was looking for alternatives to drinking booze when we hang out, so once he brought like three different kinds of milk (cow, goat, sheep?) and drank all of them until he got real tired and logy and sickly because that was basically the same as getting drunk

That's my milk story

# ? Apr 6, 2024 12:24

syntaxfunction: Oct 27, 2010

Everyone knows a real adult drinks water or alcohol and then berates their children for wasting their goddamn golden years.

# ? Apr 6, 2024 12:30

Shanghaied: Oct 12, 2004; BIG PAD

syntaxfunction posted:

Everyone knows a real adult drinks rainwater or grain alcohol

# ? Apr 6, 2024 12:33

AceClown: Sep 11, 2005

lol remember that one story about the guy who ordered a glass of milk at a bar on a date

# ? Apr 6, 2024 12:43

Tijuana-A-Go-Go: Aug 2, 2019; Doggles Aficionado

While looking for an unrelated post I came across this, not sure if it was posted before but I couldn't see it in a google search

AITA for customising my burger

quote:

For my niece's (my sister's child) 10th birthday a few days ago we went to a restaurant. I am pretty picky about food so I thought it would be easier rather than complain about the burger place she wanted to go to I'd just take along some of my own stuff.

The actual meat is okay but they do horrible over sweet brioche and fancy named complex burgers and it makes the food basically inedible it's so disgusting. I ordered their most basic burger with just some lettuce and had brought my own bread, some cheese and some BBQ sauce.

Nobody said anything at the time, none of the staff cared and honestly I think the guys at the next table were pretty jealous but afterwards my sister told me I was being a total rear end in a top hat and ruined the evening and drew all of the attention away from my niece on her birthday. My niece didn't seem unhappy, basically nobody commented beyond "haha don't you want one of these fancy burgers". I got to eat food that was actually edible and I don't think I was being an rear end in a top hat but idk. Was my sister just being weird or does she have a point?

# ? Apr 6, 2024 12:50

Call Your Grandma: Jan 17, 2010

was his name alex?

# ? Apr 6, 2024 12:50

Shanghaied: Oct 12, 2004; BIG PAD

lmao imagine being an adult picky eater lol

# ? Apr 6, 2024 12:56

Dango Bango: Jul 26, 2007

Shanghaied posted:

I used to work with a guy who didn't drink alcohol, but instead brought milk to parties, like two cartons of the stuff, and just sipped on it through out the evening. We all thought he was a psycho or serial killer.

You worked with a McPoyle??

# ? Apr 6, 2024 13:03

the holy poopacy: May 16, 2009; hey! check this out; Fun Shoe

hmm yes everyone in the gastropub was definitely staring at you out of jealousy. look at their jealous laughing faces as you assemble your hobo burger

# ? Apr 6, 2024 13:42

artsy fartsy: May 10, 2014; You'll be ahead instead of behind. Hello!

I wonder if he kept each ingredient in a different pocket

# ? Apr 6, 2024 13:45

Fil5000: Jun 23, 2003; HOLD ON GUYS I'M POSTING ABOUT INTERNET ROBOTS

I'm sad he brought barbecue sauce. Where's the rich tomato flavour?

# ? Apr 6, 2024 14:13

Pigsfeet on Rye: Oct 22, 2008; I'm meat on the hoof

What�s sex for the goose is pegging for the gander, I guess:

AITAH for making up weird sex stuff about my ex boyfriend who I never had sex with after he told everyone we did?
I F18 was dating Carl (18) until last Christmas. I bought him a nice, thoughtful gift and he got me nothing. We had been dating for six months and he said he didn't think we were at the gift stage. Whatever. I was single for New Year's Eve.

I recently found out he it telling everyone that had sex. We didn't. Now my friends are bugging me about it. Since I still "claim" to be a virgin.

Rather than fight the rumors I have been adding to them. He likes being pegged. He likes being snowballed. He makes a weird noise and cries when he comes. He can only get hard if I'm wearing men's underwear.

Now he is pissed off with me for lying about him. He tried telling everyone that I'm lying but I have seen him naked and can tell the truth about his body. For example he as a very big birthmark in his hip area. But you can't see it of he has a bathing suit on.

I know I am being petty. And I was planning on sleeping with him on New Year's Eve. I'm conflicted but I think he deserves it.

# ? Apr 6, 2024 14:15

Tijuana-A-Go-Go: Aug 2, 2019; Doggles Aficionado

artsy fartsy posted:

I wonder if he kept each ingredient in a different pocket

# ? Apr 6, 2024 14:33

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# ? Jun 1, 2024 09:42

hawowanlawow: Jul 27, 2009

AreWeDrunkYet posted:

Some of these stories need a scale involved as background information. Milk basically exists to put weight on children, if the son is healthy and active there's nothing wrong here but statistically speaking if the story is based in the US chances are he's overweight and the SIL has a point.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HISBol9014A

Tijuana-A-Go-Go posted:

While looking for an unrelated post I came across this, not sure if it was posted before but I couldn't see it in a google search

AITA for customising my burger

probably rodeo goat, and their burgers are very gimmicky and stupid. they'll make a non-stupid one if you ask though

# ? Apr 6, 2024 14:38

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > r/relationships: SPRAYING A FRAGRANCE ON MY PENIS

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