putrid aidsman posted:

putrid aidsman posted:

ArbitraryC posted:

Yeah I mean my opinion on this topic is difficult to express, it's not that I feel like there's anything wrong with casual sex it's just that my experience has show me that people who stray too far from the average, in either direction, tend to either make for for p bad partners or tend to be overly accepting of bad partners. I think you'll find there are bajillions of internet people willing to point out how too little experience is bad so i didn't really find the need to dwell on it too hard, I just also have noticed that the flipside to this has become a bit unacceptable to address without people accusing you of being a bad person so I was trying to be as neutral as possible in saying that I would personally find it a bit of a red flag.

Personally I tend to invest in each of my relationships with the intent they could go the distance, and when one doesn't work out I take a break to work on myself and look at what I want in a partner. After some time I get back into dating I'll shop around a bit but when I find someone I like I'll invest in them again. As someone pushing 30 this has put me basically slap dab in the middle of average # of partners and I've generally found my best relationships have been with people on the same page. I think the topic of people who haven't dated at all has been beat to death, but it's also worth stating it's not necessarily slut shaming or w/e to be uncomfortable with people who have an established history of always having another option lined up cause in my experience, it's a good indicator of how emotionally invested they will actually be in to you.

Propaganda Hour posted:

This is pretty spot-on with how I feel, too, but like you said it's difficult to discuss without sounding overly judgemental. A friend of mine once sent me a Jazebel article about a girl telling people to get off her back for having 40+ partners a year. I think she sent it to me to legitimize her current escapade of one-night stands. My response was "that lifestyle deffo isn't for me, but you do you and be safe" but she still accused me a slutshaming. I guess she wanted me to glorify the author as some pinnacle of modern feminism? It wasn't a very fun conversation. That friend ended up contracting an STI because she didn't use protection and then cheated on her next boyfriend three times before he finally broke up with her.

Pick posted:

You can't fill the gaping emptiness inside you with sperm.

Pick posted:

You can't fill the gaping emptiness inside you with sperm.

Pick posted:

You can't fill the gaping emptiness inside you with sperm.

quote:

u/whatcanido101
I (m40) have been with my wife Steph (f39) for 13 years now, married for 10. We have 2 children, a boy who is 10 and a girl who is 8. Steph is an amazing wife and mother. She's beautiful and one of the best people you'll find. She's my best friend in life and I would never do anything to intentionally harm her. We have always had an active sex life, save for the times around when our children were born. Overall, we have a very good marriage.

Lately, we have thought that our sex life was getting boring and stale. We have tried a few things to spice it up. A little bit ago, I suggested we consider a threesome. Steph was only my 2nd sexual partner (yup, I know) and I have always been a bit insecure about that. Steph wasn't on board with it at first, but we talked about it a ton over a few months and she said we should go for it.

Steph's friend Nicole (32f) came to stay at our house this past weekend. I didn't know Nicole very well, as the two had worked together and I had only met her a few times, but Nicole had just broken up with her boyfriend so my wife wanted to be there for her. I didn't know her well, but Nicole was a very flirty person with everyone and she was also very attractive. She was that way with everyone though. I did not go into the weekend thinking anything would happen.

Nicole came on Friday night and things were normal. She was upset about her breakup and my wife spent time with her one-on-one trying to cheer her up, while I babysat the kids. On Saturday night, our kids went to sleepovers at their friends' houses and we had the house to ourselves. We all pitched in and made dinner and then had some wine. We talked about our lives, relationships, and then started talking about sex. Now, Nicole and I are definitely more open than my wife is in this regard. We wound up talking about threesomes and I mentioned how we agreed we would try one. This is where it all goes down hill. Nicole heard this and then started to come onto both of us. She kissed my wife first and then started kissing me. My wife didn't stop anything, so I thought it was okay. Things escalated and clothes for all three of us came off. We wound up going to our bedroom. They made out a little, but admittedly my wife isn't bisexual or really interested in women so it didn't go that far. I took turns pleasuring them and they, me. I guess during this I started to focus more on Nicole than my wife. Eventually, Nicole got on top of me and we had sex. When it was over, I tried to have sex with my wife but I wasn't ready for another round, so I wound up cuddling with them a little and we went to sleep.

When I woke up, Nicole and my wife weren't in the bed. In fact, Nicole wasn't there anymore at all. My wife was downstairs and was inconsolable. Apparently she had woken up and I was cuddling with Nicole. She had asked Nicole to leave after and she did, willingly. She said that it made her feel terrible after my treatment of her last night. She said that I basically cheated on her in front of her, that she had tried to get my attention several times but I always went back to Nicole, and that I had sex with her friend and not her. She also mentioned I did so unprotected. She said that I enjoyed the sex with Nicole better than her and that she could never get the sounds and images of us having sex out of her mind. She has been staying in the guest room and has not spoken to me about anything unless it has to do with our kids.

I am devastated. I have tried to make her understand that I was caught up in the moment and thought it was okay because she was kissing Nicole first. I thought she would've stopped it if it wasn't okay. We didn't have many rules, otherwise I would've made sure that I didn't cross them. Nicole texted me today and apologized for any problems she caused. I told her it was on me, not her, and I was the one who was sorry.

Reddit, I know I messed up. But I was not thinking and I would never intentionally harm my wife. What can I do to fix this? Marriage counseling? What?

tl;dr: My wife and I had a threesome with her friend. My wife thinks I cheated on her because I had sex with her friend and not her. How can I fix this? Did I cheat? Thoughts? Advice? Help!!!

Milotic posted:

What a loving idiot:

My wife (39f) and I (40m) had a threesome with her friend (32f) and now she will not speak to me.

OctaMurk posted:

I feel bad for Steph ; (

boner confessor posted:

more than a dozen partners in a year is too much imo because at that point random sex is your hobby and it's a pretty bad/destructive hobby

Milotic posted:

What a loving idiot:

My wife (39f) and I (40m) had a threesome with her friend (32f) and now she will not speak to me.

Pick posted:

You can't fill the gaping emptiness inside you with sperm.

Milotic posted:

What a loving idiot:

My wife (39f) and I (40m) had a threesome with her friend (32f) and now she will not speak to me.

HoAssHo posted:

Welp, my dick isn't working so I guess all the sex stuff is done for the night. If only there were sex acts that don't require an erect penis. Shucks.

Gumbel2Gumbel posted:

Over 40 partners a year just tells me she likes sex and hates people.

Straight White Shark posted:

It's one of those things where I don't think there's any problem with the act in theory but the practice just doesn't work out, which you should be able to figure out with a couple minutes' thought. Like, sure, if it's OK to have sex 40 times with 1 person in a year then logically having sex 40 times with 40 different people shouldn't really be so different. But at some point the logistics just stop working unless you start cutting some corners that... probably shouldn't be cut. It's not immoral so much as it's just a bad idea.

A Wizard of Goatse posted:

In practice sex generally is part of, like, a kind of emotional intimacy you're definitely not sharing with 40 people concurrently, and if you're passionlessly humping your way through hookup after hookup that probably speaks to either a compulsive disorder or an underlying inability to actually connect with others. pump-and-dumping vague acquaintances just isn't that much fun.

A Wizard of Goatse posted:

yeah but exploring new countries is fun and getting awkwardly jerked off by a succession of lonely chicks you don't like is awful

HoAssHo posted:

Welp, my dick isn't working so I guess all the sex stuff is done for the night. If only there were sex acts that don't require an erect penis. Shucks.

boner confessor posted:

generally people in a slutty phase who aren't grappling with some psychological issue are just engaging in pointless belt-notching. it's the same thing as people who try to travel to as many different countries as possible just to tick them off the list

A Wizard of Goatse posted:

yeah but exploring new countries is fun and getting awkwardly jerked off by a succession of lonely chicks you don't like is awful

quote:

I'll provide some background information first before. My wife and I have been married for 24 years. The start of our relationship was very romantic and compatible. We had and still have many of the same hobbies we were very affectionate with each other and had a very fulfilling sex life. Sadly, this changed shortly after the birth of our last son. Clearly, I was more than willing to wait the full 8 weeks for my wife to heal after giving birth.

However, this shortly turned into 4 months and we still hadn't had sex. Eventually, it started up again to once every two weeks and then once a month. I approached her multiple times about this and how I wasn't happy with the status of our sex life. I suggested counseling and a variety of other options. I hired babysitters and cleaners to help her at home too, but nothing was really working. We want for a few sessions, but she lost interest. Eventually, I stopped bringing it up because I didn't want to be a nag. She must have thought that I had accepted or had become content with the situation. This was not true however. I didn't want to go the rest of my life feeling unloved and unwanted. Nowadays we probably have sex maybe once every two months.

However, about a year and half into our semi-dead bedroom situation I began an affair with a woman who works at my company. Our affair didn't last, but since then I have had 8 long term partners as I am not a huge of having ONS. The reason I didn't file for divorce sooner was that I was very worried about having my kids used against me and possibly taken. I also am very successful business wise and I didn't want to have to end up paying a ridiculous amount of child support. I decided about 10 years ago that I would eventually file for divorce once my youngest left the house and turned 18. Since then I have been preparing and securing myself financially for the future divorce. I do not regret what I have done. I have a great relationship with all my kids the oldest two are already in law school and medical school respectively. I am just worried about my wife and kids being blindsided by my decision. So I suppose I have three questions. Should I tell my kids or my wife first? How should I go about telling them? and Should I give the reason why and disclose my infidelity? My youngest is 18 and I have a woman I am seeing who I would like to get serious with so I am eager to get the ball moving.

tldr; wasn't faithful to my wife how is the best way to end things and tell my kids

Pac-Manioc Root posted:

The error seems to have been both in principle, and in execution.