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*Busy browsing the internet but telling everyone they're texting other people involved in the project. At the zero hour, blames the problems on lack of focus and communication.
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Oct 27, 2016 17:41
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Burt Sexual posted:Burt Sexual, Blackbelt PMP, ISSC, ITIL sorry we're looking for a six smegma we can get you to a boot camp if you pass these tough interview questions. a/s/l?
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Oct 27, 2016 17:41
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Squiggle posted:I have never met a project manager worth a poo poo. And gently caress ITIL and gently caress you Burt Consider this your first and only verbal warning. *calls HR*
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Oct 27, 2016 17:42
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Squiggle posted:I have never met a project manager worth a poo poo. And gently caress ITIL and gently caress you Burt sounds like someone just had a dust-up!
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Oct 27, 2016 17:44
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Guys, what are the blockers for this project. Guys, let's have a standup meeting every morning despite nothing happening. Guys, just do your stuff, I will continue to keep an eye on things and send out more calendar invites.
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Oct 27, 2016 17:44
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I'm currently working on a project that involves about 20 people and 5 of them are PMs.
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Oct 27, 2016 17:48
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*gets intern to edit powerpoint over a projector while I dictate instructions to her via laser pointer* based on a true story
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Oct 27, 2016 17:48
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CharlestonJew posted:*gets intern to edit powerpoint over a projector while I dictate instructions to her via laser pointer* was the pm intern smoking hot?
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Oct 27, 2016 17:56
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We need a meeting to schedule a conference to discuss our meetings, and for the love of God more spreadsheets and powerpoint presentations to illustrate the drop in productivity since the start of the meetings.
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Oct 27, 2016 18:06
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I got to a point where every project manager in the company was assigning me to every little dumb piece of poo poo project they received. Now, I like to tell project managers to shut their trap by never responding to them or their stupid meeting invites. Also I don't answer my phone. Now they just put some random turd on every project and the turds escalate problems to me when necessary, as God intended. Also. Does anyone know why these morons get paid so much to poo poo everything up and generally not do anything but take credit?
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Oct 27, 2016 18:12
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hth posted:was the pm intern smoking hot? this story makes a lot more sense now
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Oct 27, 2016 18:14
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Sounds like people here should become Project Managers, since it's very easy and people here are very smart.
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Oct 27, 2016 18:15
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Slime Bro Helpdesk posted:people here should become Project Managers...people here are very smart. i found a small pain-point in your suggested plan of action. Can we regroup sometime after lunch to discuss it? Are you free for two hours at 4 PM?
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Oct 27, 2016 18:19
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My excuse at work is I need a project manager to implement projects. I can't get anything done without one. When they do give me one I'll be like, "well we didn't get a good one" and have more excuses. A good cycle of blame going on IMO
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Oct 27, 2016 18:20
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hth posted:i found a small pain-point in your suggested plan of action. Can we regroup sometime after lunch to discuss it? Are you free for two hours at 4 PM? We can talk over e-mail or group-chat here. I like to have documentation for issues/actions that are coming out of discussions.
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Oct 27, 2016 18:21
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i went to college to learn project management cause people convinced me that was a thing i should do in 2008 and it was like 3 months after i graduated before i realized i'd hosed my whole life lol
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Oct 27, 2016 18:24
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Nemesis Of Moles posted:i went to college to learn project management cause people convinced me that was a thing i should do in 2008 and it was like 3 months after i graduated before i realized i'd hosed my whole life lol what do you say you do for money
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Oct 27, 2016 18:26
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hth posted:what do you say you do for money mostly suck dick in bathrooms but i'm really good at making gant charts to minmax cock-mouth time
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Oct 27, 2016 18:28
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*spends two days making a Gantt chart
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Oct 27, 2016 18:32
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Kuato posted:My excuse at work is I need a project manager to implement projects. I can't get anything done without one. When they do give me one I'll be like, "well we didn't get a good one" and have more excuses. A good cycle of blame going on IMO Right! And I insist on one to take all the poo poo administrivia that is required by the govt/my company. You people are doing IT wrong.
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Oct 27, 2016 18:35
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Gang I'm going to be out at noon today and working from home the remainder of the week. *doesn't use any time off and still gets paid, does 0 work, plays lots of games, eats lots of cheetos*
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Oct 27, 2016 18:38
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Honestly I'm glad for project managers because if I had to be in charge of that spreadsheet I would chill myself.
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Oct 27, 2016 18:39
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Comfy Fleece Sweater posted:Jira sounds great better than that loving dumpster fire VSTS but I don't really want to make any decisions without the stakeholders present *cannot book meeting where all 30 stakeholders are free at the same time until 6 months from now*
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Oct 27, 2016 18:42
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Nemesis Of Moles posted:mostly suck dick in bathrooms but i'm really good at making gant charts to minmax cock-mouth time imagine a giant boardroom full of bored-looking programmers screwing around on their phones while a gigantic line graph that says "cock-mouth time" projects on a screen as managers nod sagely
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Oct 27, 2016 18:44
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hth posted:imagine a giant boardroom full of bored-looking programmers screwing around on their phones while a gigantic line graph that says "cock-mouth time" projects on a screen as managers nod sagely Imagine looking at programmers without feeling nausea.
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Oct 27, 2016 19:00
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*schedules meeting with myself from now until 2028 so my calendar looks like I'm in super important meetings all the time*
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Oct 27, 2016 19:07
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hth posted:imagine a giant boardroom full of bored-looking programmers screwing around on their phones while a gigantic line graph that says "cock-mouth time" projects on a screen as managers nod sagely Is there a laser pointer and a hot intern?
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Oct 27, 2016 19:13
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CharlestonJew posted:*schedules meeting with myself from now until 2028 so my calendar looks like I'm in super important meetings all the time* pro strat
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Oct 27, 2016 19:19
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*Converts nebulous, delusional goals into specific requirements* *Has requirements rejected by upper management for not being delusional enough* *Finally negotiates something approaching reason with upper management* *Watches as poorly motivated, underpaid, and barely competent programmers gently caress up implementation left and right* *Repeat every two week sprint while company workforce rapidly dwindles away as programmers trade in their experience for much better paying work* *Gets fired because "things aren't moving fast enough"*
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Oct 27, 2016 19:44
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*Constantly emails, skypes, txts, Lyncs, pages, calls, tweets, and posts on your Facebook page for status updates on sunday, after doing it on saturday*
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Oct 27, 2016 19:47
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do you all work with programming or something what the heck
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Oct 27, 2016 19:48
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CharlestonJew posted:*schedules meeting with myself from now until 2028 so my calendar looks like I'm in super important meetings all the time* This is a good one. Will start using this FYI
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Oct 27, 2016 19:47
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Slime Bro Helpdesk posted:Imagine looking at programmers without feeling nausea. i simply can't
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Oct 27, 2016 19:49
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Zzulu posted:do you all work with programming or something what the heck The PM's I deal with are construction or community project types.
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Oct 27, 2016 19:50
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WHERE THE gently caress ARE THE SPREADSHEETS I ASKED FOR?!
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Oct 27, 2016 19:53
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lean and six sigma and anything associated with that are a scourge upon the earth *implementation of actionable turnkey solutions*
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Oct 27, 2016 19:53
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Zzulu posted:do you all work with programming or something what the heck I'm at a nonprofit, so thankfully the closest I ever come to dealing with computer people is when I yell for the one bearded guy to come fix my laptop by hitting the wifi button.
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Oct 27, 2016 19:57
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I think we need to take this discussion off line
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Oct 27, 2016 20:00
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I feel like you're really not living up to your potential as a software engineer. I've talked with the higher-ups and they think we can get your project back on track if you come in the next few Saturdays
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Oct 27, 2016 20:02
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Rubellavator posted:I think we need to take this discussion off line translated: you son of a bitch I will loving stab you right in your greasy neckbeard.
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Oct 27, 2016 20:03
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