I am a "Professional" "Internet" Psychiatrist. I will "Diagnose" You

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > I am a "Professional" "Internet" Psychiatrist. I will "Diagnose" You

«‹›2 »

bloom: Feb 25, 2017; by sebmojo

William Henry Hairytaint posted:

When I was fifteen I broke into an abandoned house (the town I grew up in was small and dying) and in the basement I found stacks and stacks of molding pornographic magazines, some used strips of duct tape with hair on them, and some clothing with what looked like old bloodstains.

nice

# ? May 26, 2017 20:54

Adbot: ADBOT LOVES YOU

# ? May 27, 2024 08:15

phasmid: Jan 16, 2015; Booty Shaker
SILENT MAJORITY

My question is less about me and more of a hypothetical - Say there's a hypochondriac who manages to catch every disease known to man. Is that person still a hypochondriac?

# ? May 26, 2017 21:24

unpleasantly turgid: Jul 6, 2016; u lightweights couldn't even feed my shadow ;*

Waltzing Along posted:

Sometimes I fart a lot. Is there a demon in my butt?

we need to operate asap.

# ? May 26, 2017 21:32

TheMaskedUgly: Sep 21, 2008; Let's play a different game.

this is everyone else

code:

...................................................... -superhappy
                                          /\
         __      ____                    /  \__
        /   \___/    \_                 /      \
...____/...............\_____......____/.............. -neutral
                             \_   /
                               \_/   
                                                  
...................................................... -kill yourself

and this is me

code:

........................................................ -super happy

                                    __
...____......_...................._/..\................ - neutral
       \____/ \____     ___     _/     \_          __
                   \___/   \___/         \    _   /
                                          \__/ \_/
....................................................... - kill yourself

how to fix pls

# ? May 26, 2017 21:41

TheMaskedUgly: Sep 21, 2008; Let's play a different game.

also i dream about killing people violently every night non stop, endless blood, torture and cannibalism, that's normal right?

# ? May 26, 2017 21:42

ScRoTo TuRbOtUrD: Jan 21, 2007

to help myself fall asleep I dream about committing acts of petty vandalism and violence towards my fellow man and casual enemies

i don't give a gently caress what you diagnose me with, i just want help on not getting caught

# ? May 26, 2017 21:47

ArtIsResistance: May 19, 2007; QUEEN OF FRANCE, SAVIOR OF LOWTAX

TheMaskedUgly posted:

this is everyone else

code:

...................................................... -superhappy
                                          /\
         __      ____                    /  \__
        /   \___/    \_                 /      \
...____/...............\_____......____/.............. -neutral
                             \_   /
                               \_/   
                                                  
...................................................... -kill yourself

and this is me

code:

........................................................ -super happy

                                    __
...____......_...................._/..\................ - neutral
       \____/ \____     ___     _/     \_          __
                   \___/   \___/         \    _   /
                                          \__/ \_/
....................................................... - kill yourself

how to fix pls

I really like this I hope you get better so you can make more cool graphs

# ? May 26, 2017 21:48

TheMaskedUgly: Sep 21, 2008; Let's play a different game.

Give nthe responses so far i think its appropriate for you to produice certificates saying "_ exhibited unremarkable levels of subconscious blood lust'

# ? May 26, 2017 21:48

TheMaskedUgly: Sep 21, 2008; Let's play a different game.

i have this recurring dream where i'm sinking deeper into an underwater canyon, steep walls up either side, and the faint glimmer of sunlight far away above, slowly and unspectacularly dimming into the endless night of the ocean

# ? May 26, 2017 21:50

TheMaskedUgly: Sep 21, 2008; Let's play a different game.

i try and claw my way up but the effort just spins me around and i lose all sense of up and down

# ? May 26, 2017 21:51

TheMaskedUgly: Sep 21, 2008; Let's play a different game.

soon there is only darkness, all i know is there is light somewhere up above, far out of reach and only a distant memory, and all i can wait for is the soft subtle thud as i reach the inevitable sea floor

# ? May 26, 2017 21:52

TheMaskedUgly: Sep 21, 2008; Let's play a different game.

then the screaming starts in earnest

# ? May 26, 2017 21:53

Toph Bei Fong: Feb 29, 2008

phasmid posted:

My question is less about me and more of a hypothetical - Say there's a hypochondriac who manages to catch every disease known to man. Is that person still a hypochondriac?

Does said person invent fictional diseases to still fear?

Regardless, the situation would resolve itself in a day or two, and they wouldn't be anything but worm food.

TheMaskedUgly posted:

this is everyone else

and this is me
how to fix pls

TheMaskedUgly posted:

also i dream about killing people violently every night non stop, endless blood, torture and cannibalism, that's normal right?

Totally normal. Have you tried loving yourself?

SCROTO TURBOSPERG posted:

to help myself fall asleep I dream about committing acts of petty vandalism and violence towards my fellow man and casual enemies

i don't give a gently caress what you diagnose me with, i just want help on not getting caught

If you're getting caught in your dreams, you can evade the dream police by playing Cheap Trick's "Heaven Tonight" on loop at the maximum volume. This should distract them enough to allow you to escape without detection.

TheMaskedUgly posted:

Give nthe responses so far i think its appropriate for you to produice certificates saying "_ exhibited unremarkable levels of subconscious blood lust'

Here you go slugger, good job!

# ? May 26, 2017 21:59

TheMaskedUgly: Sep 21, 2008; Let's play a different game.

code:

        |
........|................. -hitherto unknown levels of happiness
        |
        |
........|................ -superhappy
        |
        | 
........|................ -neutral
        |
 ______/
......................... -kill yourself

TheMaskedUgly fucked around with this message at 22:04 on May 26, 2017

# ? May 26, 2017 22:02

Jim Barris: Aug 13, 2009

Every time I have sex I start clucking like a chicken uncontrollably at an ever increasing tempo until, at the moment of climax, I shout BUCAWWW plz help me

# ? May 26, 2017 22:06

TheMaskedUgly: Sep 21, 2008; Let's play a different game.

Jim Barris posted:

Every time I have sex I start clucking like a chicken uncontrollably at an ever increasing tempo until, at the moment of climax, I shout BUCAWWW plz help me

i dont really see the problem, are you struggling with the higher tempos?

# ? May 26, 2017 22:08

Big Beef City: Aug 15, 2013

Toph Bei Fong posted:

Unfortunately, your house is likely buried under a ghost graveyard. The best solution is to move the people from underneath your floor boards and into your bird feeders, in the hopes that the hungry ghosts will be appeased, and their souls will migrate back into the upper realms where they belong.

I don't have access to the apartments above or below me, so I hope 3 olives won't mind as I tunnel in to exhume the corpses.

# ? May 26, 2017 22:16

By popular demand: Jul 17, 2007; IT *BZZT* WASP ME--
IT WASP ME ALL *BZZT* ALONG!

Ever since I discovered recreational narcotics:

OH MY GOD MAKE IT STOP posted:

............._____................................... -sliding out of this mortal realm
.............|........\___________________ -super happy
_______/........................................... -functioning

# ? May 26, 2017 22:48

Literally A Person: Jan 1, 1970; Smugworth Wuz Here

Doctor, it hurts when I do this :protarget:

(but just for eveyone else)

# ? May 26, 2017 23:08

Hippity Hoppity: Mar 18, 2017; heh bleb bleb bleb

donate to the humane society

I had a dream last night where I adopted a kitty, how bad is it?

# ? May 27, 2017 02:14

Beard Dandruff: May 10, 2017; Want to win a consultation with Tiffany? Click here.

Since I'm the living embodiment of sanity I have no use for your services OP.

# ? May 27, 2017 02:15

Edgar: Sep 9, 2005; Oh my heck!
Oh heavens!
Oh my lord!
OH Sweet meats!; Wedge Regret

Every month at night I walk up the mountain by my house. Colorfully called lake mountain. There is some Indian drawings on the rocks. I like to talk to them.

# ? May 27, 2017 02:19