|
As you can see from my very official and not at all photoshopped doctorate here, I have a Doctorate of Psychology in Internet Psychology. Therefore, I am licensed and bonded to diagnose "real" and "genuine" mental illnesses over the internet based on a handful of self supplied symptoms and anecdotes. This is an exciting new field of study, and, if it proves fruitful, all of you could end up in the annals of medical journals, as famous as the "Wolf Man" "Little Hans" "The Rat Man" and "Cäcilie M." So, lie down on the couch and tell me about yourself. What's your relationship to your mother? Do you have a reoccurring dream in which you are falling? Have you been beating your pillow with a cartoon woman screened onto it? The first step to recovery is seeking help, and admitting you have a problem.
|
#
?
May 26, 2017 16:42
|
|
|
|
| # ? May 27, 2024 23:30 |
|
|
this thread sucks
|
|
#
?
May 26, 2017 16:45
|
|
|
i have a young child who is surely gay do you do electroshocks? or do i need to find another professional?
|
|
#
?
May 26, 2017 16:45
|
|
|
where were you when n*****stomper58 needed you op
|
|
#
?
May 26, 2017 16:47
|
|
|
I like the twinks
|
|
#
?
May 26, 2017 16:54
|
|
|
you clearly have a PsyD and not an MD. why are you representing yourself as a psychiatrist and not a psychologist?
|
|
#
?
May 26, 2017 17:11
|
|
|
Sometimes I fart a lot. Is there a demon in my butt?
|
|
#
?
May 26, 2017 17:11
|
|
|
I'm not gay, why?
|
|
#
?
May 26, 2017 17:13
|
|
|
what can you tell me about goons based on description of they butthols
|
|
#
?
May 26, 2017 17:14
|
|
|
ArmZ posted:where were you when n*****stomper58 needed you op There's no helping that creep. As for my mental health issues, I am compelled to waste time on meaningless internet forums. And cat videos.
|
|
#
?
May 26, 2017 17:14
|
|
|
im permabanned poster niggerstomper58.
|
|
#
?
May 26, 2017 18:26
|
|
|
Raspberry Jam It In Me posted:I'm not gay, why?
|
|
#
?
May 26, 2017 18:27
|
|
|
oh yeah. I need you to diagnose me, doc. I need you to diagnose me hard
|
|
#
?
May 26, 2017 18:28
|
|
|
I think about killing people all of the time, and sometimes about eating them.
|
|
#
?
May 26, 2017 18:29
|
|
|
*poses suggestively on couch* please doc, take me now on a journey of reflection and self-discovery
|
|
#
?
May 26, 2017 18:30
|
|
|
When I was very young I broke the heads off a few Teddy Grahams, put them on toothpicks, and stuck them in a flower bed in my front yard as a warning to other snack foods.
|
|
#
?
May 26, 2017 18:31
|
|
|
How the gently caress is a blind child capable of getting a degree in psychiatry?
|
|
#
?
May 26, 2017 18:32
|
|
|
Also one night I hung a bunch of Gorgonite and Commando Elite toys from the movie Small Soldiers. All of them by the neck, off the bottom branches of the family Christmas tree. I was an adult and I was alone when I did this.
|
|
#
?
May 26, 2017 18:34
|
|
|
I keep sculpting things from wax, over and over. Sometimes it's birds I see at the feeder, other times it's models of small instruments. Mostly though it's thousands of faces, transfixed in agony, as I remember them, of the people buried under my floor boards. What's up doc?
|
|
#
?
May 26, 2017 18:36
|
|
|
Big Beef City posted:I keep sculpting things from wax, over and over. Sometimes it's birds I see at the feeder, other times it's models of small instruments. Jesus Christ you're hosed up.
|
|
#
?
May 26, 2017 18:37
|
|
|
Secular Humanist posted:this thread sucks Based on your response, I can tell you have issues with thread. I am afraid you are suffering from what the DVM-I (Internet) calls "Auto-Interlinonophobia." The best cure is to expose yourself to internet threads about sewing, surgery, and the internal workings of ball jointed dolls, slowly working you way up to dealing with fabrics, and finally, the internet, so that your reflexive revulsion is not triggered. Peetown Manning posted:i have a young child who is surely gay Based on your response, it appears you are suffering from Allen-Perez's Syndrome, also known as "So What, Dad Gay?" in the IPLD (Internet Psychiatrist Lingo Dictionary). Rather than your son surely being gay, it is you yourself who is projecting your own gayness onto your son. There are numerous products with which you can shock yourself for pleasure while viewing gay pornography, or to use with a homosexual partner, many of which are even powered via USB, so you would not have to leave the comfort of your computer chair. I am sorry to say, you son does not exist. It is a figment of your repressed inner gay, trying to teach you to be true to your own self. ArmZ posted:where were you when n*****stomper58 needed you op Probably playing The Matrix, Online Archer666 posted:I like the twinks Enjoyment of young men in cowboy costumes, shaped like yellow snack cakes is unhealthy. Please submit yourself to the nearest psychiatric facility at once, before you go on a Hostess fueled rampage, destroy your town, and cause harm to your fellow man. Soup du Journey posted:you clearly have a PsyD and not an MD. why are you representing yourself as a psychiatrist and not a psychologist? They just gave me this pad with my name on it when I graduated that the pharmacy accepts, and during classes they let me cut up a dead body marked "For Internet Use", so I think I know a little more about internet psychiatry than you, buster. Waltzing Along posted:Sometimes I fart a lot. Is there a demon in my butt? Almost definitely. The demon called addiction. Chipotle might say it is healthy for you, but that is a lie. Those beans have been consecrated by the anti-pope for use by the World Bank, and they were stolen by Donald F. Chipotle for use in his evil anti-GMO (Great Magic Organization) schemes. Do not eat them. Call your friends, your family, your loved ones, and explain what is happening. Do not let the evil spread. Fart as loudly and as publicly as you can, so that the demon is not trapped in your house. Malls and elevators are best. Raspberry Jam It In Me posted:I'm not gay, why? You aren't trying hard enough. Try reading everydayfeminism.com every day, and, if you ever feel the slightest twinge of guilt or pity, say to yourself, out loud, "No, I'm gay. This doesn't apply to me. I'm one of the good guys. I can't be wrong." If that doesn't work, try PM'ing Peetown Manning from up thread and see if he will use his electroshock toys on you. welcome 2 Clown Town posted:what can you tell me about goons based on description of they butthols Sadly little. You'd need a kólosolgist for that. Horrible Lurkbeast posted:There's no helping that creep. Are you also compelled to enjoy taxidermy? If so, you probably have Pick's Disease. If not, you most likely have Organic Brain Syndrome, where, due to prolonged internet exposure, your brain has begun to transform itself into a different organ, most likely a secondary heart for the cooling of the blood. I'm sorry, there is no cure.
|
|
#
?
May 26, 2017 18:57
|
|
|
Could you please speak more clearly, I meme the chocolate rain when I Harlem shake the CAN I HAS CAKE? SSRI does nothing to nothing to nothing to nothing to 
|
|
#
?
May 26, 2017 19:07
|
|
|
People keep telling me to get therapy in the politics threads but I'm not crazy, please give a certificate of not having donkey brains
|
|
#
?
May 26, 2017 19:11
|
|
|
Pelope ekep lteigln me ot gte rtaeyhp in hte ipotilcs htresad ubt I'm ont raczy, leapes igve a etrcetcifia fo ont hiagnv kdoney barisn
|
|
#
?
May 26, 2017 19:13
|
|
|
I'm not crazy too, I swear. Can I cat a certificate too? I need it for court stuff (private)
|
|
#
?
May 26, 2017 19:21
|
|
|
I'm ton rcazy oot, I wsrea. Can I cat a eitctireacf oot? I ened it ofr ucotr stffu (rvpieat)
|
|
#
?
May 26, 2017 19:22
|
|
|
|
|
#
?
May 26, 2017 19:24
|
|
|
One time when I was eight I found a dead body in the woods behind my house. It was in some bushes by a little creek. I went home and didn't tell anyone. I went back to look at it again a couple of days later but it was gone.
|
|
#
?
May 26, 2017 19:25
|
|
|
I was the dead body and I wasn't dead, just sleeping. Thanks for not reporting me
|
|
#
?
May 26, 2017 19:28
|
|
|
You're a liar.
|
|
#
?
May 26, 2017 19:29
|
|
|
When I was little my parents would allow a local homeless man to do odd jobs around the house in exchange for him using me for sexual favors. Now as an adult I find I have a difficult time maintaining lasting relationships because none of the women I date ever seem to measure up to the feelings I had for that mysterious drifter. Also, it'd be nice if you'd wrap up my analysis with my lucky numbers. This dollar is burning a hole in my pocket.
|
|
#
?
May 26, 2017 19:37
|
|
|
Frankenstyle posted:When I was little my parents would allow a local homeless man to do odd jobs around the house in exchange for him using me for sexual favors. Now as an adult I find I have a difficult time maintaining lasting relationships because none of the women I date ever seem to measure up to the feelings I had for that mysterious drifter. The hobos are satisfying a deep emotional need for you. You have to figure out what that need is to even begin addressing this issue. My advice would be to write down every thought that comes to your head when you (intimately) touch a hobo. You have to be really thorough though, every thought and feeling has to written down. Everything that goes through your head, before and after too e: oh sorry, I wasn't really listening. You don't seem to have a problem with touching hobos, never mind
|
|
#
?
May 26, 2017 19:42
|
|
|
Raspberry Jam It In Me posted:The hobos are satisfying a deep emotional need for you. You have to figure out what that need is to even begin addressing this issue. It's like I get tunnel vision and all I can hear is a sound like dozens of chimpanzees screeching in fear and rage. There is not clearly definable emotional state involved at all. I get the same thing on the weekends when I teach Sunday school.
|
|
#
?
May 26, 2017 19:47
|
|
|
Frankenstyle posted:It's like I get tunnel vision and all I can hear is a sound like dozens of chimpanzees screeching in fear and rage. There is not clearly definable emotional state involved at all. I get the same thing on the weekends when I teach Sunday school. Whoah, yeah, that's way above my pay grade dude. maybe wait till op comes back, he knows what to do. All I can recommend to you is some lsd
|
|
#
?
May 26, 2017 19:52
|
|
|
gumdrops posted:im permabanned poster niggerstomper58. Transference of identity is a difficult thing to accept. Why, exactly, are you the 58th, rather than the 59th? William Henry Hairytaint posted:I think about killing people all of the time, and sometimes about eating them. What's the problem, exactly? This seems healthy and normal. Straight White Shark posted:*poses suggestively on couch* please doc, take me now https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RGrGJ96vlDM Naerasa posted:How the gently caress is a blind child capable of getting a degree in psychiatry? Lots of people believed in me. It's amazing what the power of self-confidence can do. I hope to serve as an example to others of what can be accomplished if you, too, are a statistical outlier and manage to beat the odds. William Henry Hairytaint posted:Also one night I hung a bunch of Gorgonite and Commando Elite toys from the movie Small Soldiers. All of them by the neck, off the bottom branches of the family Christmas tree. I was an adult and I was alone when I did this. This seems more like the instructions for a pintrest upcycling christmas page. Are you sure you're in the right thread? Big Beef City posted:I keep sculpting things from wax, over and over. Sometimes it's birds I see at the feeder, other times it's models of small instruments. Unfortunately, your house is likely buried under a ghost graveyard. The best solution is to move the people from underneath your floor boards and into your bird feeders, in the hopes that the hungry ghosts will be appeased, and their souls will migrate back into the upper realms where they belong. If this doesn't work, 200 mg of chlorpromazine should. Horrible Lurkbeast posted:Could you please speak more clearly, I meme the chocolate rain when I Harlem shake the CAN I HAS CAKE? What are memes? If an SSRI is proving ineffective, we can try switching to an SNRI, depending on the symptoms. If that doesn't work, there's an experimental new treatment that isn't in regular use yet, but has been shown to be effective in the Journal of Post-Metaphysical Sciences: "Rebirthed Trepanation". Basically, we'd combine the two techniques, and remove your brain from your skull, and reinsert it through your nose, making you effectively a "new" person, but without all the old pressures from your skull that were being caused by the tension and evil spirits that were trapped inside your head. It isn't 100% effective, but it does work sometimes in cases like this. I don't want to get your hopes up too much, but we're going to fight this. I'm not giving up until you do. Mordor She Wrote posted:People keep telling me to get therapy in the politics threads but I'm not crazy, please give a certificate of not having donkey brains  Raspberry Jam It In Me posted:I'm not crazy too, I swear. Can I cat a certificate too? I need it for court stuff (private) 
|
|
#
?
May 26, 2017 19:56
|
|
|
Raspberry Jam It In Me posted:All I can recommend to you is some lsd Way ahead of you.
|
|
#
?
May 26, 2017 19:56
|
|
|
Were you really born in 1994? Im not sure if I can trust you to help me fix my internet self.
|
|
#
?
May 26, 2017 19:58
|
|
|
Frankenstyle posted:When I was little my parents would allow a local homeless man to do odd jobs around the house in exchange for him using me for sexual favors. Now as an adult I find I have a difficult time maintaining lasting relationships because none of the women I date ever seem to measure up to the feelings I had for that mysterious drifter. Analyzing your case with the most careful research and care possible, I have determined that you are suffering from Beezers-Holodoken's Syndrome. Thankfully, this is a commonly studied syndrome that has been in the literature since the 1950s, so there are steps that can be taken. The first thing you must do is give me all of your worldly possessions, and power of attorney over your finances. Next, any women you meet, you must ask her to dress up like a homeless person, and perform tasks around You must become the drifter. Only then will you find peace. Your lucky numbers are 5, 7, 23, 4 and 51 Two Free Toppings posted:Were you really born in 1994? Im not sure if I can trust you to help me fix my internet self. There was a bit of a mix-up at the internet printing factory when they were emailing my my degree. I actually died in 1994.
|
|
#
?
May 26, 2017 20:09
|
|
|
I'm an adult that posts under the identity of a child from a filthy canadian anime. What is wrong with me!?!? Wait that's not about me.
|
|
#
?
May 26, 2017 20:38
|
|
|
|
| # ? May 27, 2024 23:30 |
|
|
When I was fifteen I broke into an abandoned house (the town I grew up in was small and dying) and in the basement I found stacks and stacks of molding pornographic magazines, some used strips of duct tape with hair on them, and some clothing with what looked like old bloodstains.
|
|
#
?
May 26, 2017 20:47
|
|