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Kevin remembers to go with his family on vacation and although Harry and Marv steal valuable items from the McCallisters' home, they really lose nothing because they were insured.
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Jun 2, 2021 21:12
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| # ? May 28, 2024 15:40 |
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Kevin creates a simple trap floor over an abandoned well. At the bottom of the well, there is a bunch of broken glass and a 3 inch deep pool of lemon juice. When Marv and Harry break in, they fall into the well. They are cut and embedded with glass and the juice seeps into every cut and abrasion. Kevin tosses a radio down and tells them to turn it on. Marv is deathly allergic to lemon, so Harry must act quickly. Harry notices there are two small doors cut into the well. Kevin tells Harry that one door has the syringe he needs to save Marv's life. Despairing but not wanting his friend to die, Harry decides on the first door. He grabs the syringe and jabs it into Marv's thigh. A slow smile creeps over Kevin's face. Then, a raucous laugh fills the well. "You got the dud!"
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Jun 2, 2021 21:20
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Colonel Cancer posted:Through social engineering, Kevin becomes a moderator on Harry & Marv favorite forum whereupon he repeatedly probates their accounts. God it feels good to be Kev.
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Jun 2, 2021 21:24
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Kevin paints the Seal of Metatron all over theMcAllister home. Then he leaves the premises. Harry and Marv enter the house expecting to find Kevin and his many traps, but find that it's vacant and untouched sans the seals painted everywhere and decide to start looting the place. Just as Marv is about to plug the kitchen sink and turn the water on, air raid sirens go off in the distance turning the home into a run-down hellish version of itself. The duo find that all the doors to the rooms are now locked except for one. They open it and are immediately dragged away by Pyramid Head.
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Jun 2, 2021 21:31
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It had been 17 years. 17 years of hell. The wet bandits had entered the McAllister home and ever since the door closed behind them they couldn't leave. Every door led to more tastefully decorated rooms appropriate for a 1920s mansion in Chicago. And every room, save for the kitchens, inevitability contained an insidious trap of some kind designed not to kill, but to torture or maim. In the kitchens it was safe, though, at least until the food ran out. Then Harry and Marv would have to move on. The traps were bad, but the worst was the feral creature that had once been a boy that hunted them. Marv gripped a sharpened bannister and his shield made from a gorgeous oak cupboard door. Something was wrong. He turned to ask Harry if he felt the unease too but stopped when he saw his friend, his husband, covered in a pile of tarantulas up to his neck. With tears in his eyes Marv jams his makeshift spear into Harry's eye and brain, sparing him the pain of death by hundreds of tarantula bites with a much swifter end. From on top of a staircase a gollum-like creature wearing pajama rags cackles.
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Jun 2, 2021 23:46
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Jun 3, 2021 03:09
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Kevin digs the old Claymore antipersonnel mine out of his father's army footlocker and rigs it to explode at groin level as soon as the Wet Bandits enter the kitchen.
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Jun 3, 2021 03:22
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kevin jumps out and slaps a moustrap onto their bellend
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Jun 3, 2021 03:26
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To save himself from Marv, who has grabbed him by the leg as he was attempting to flee into the attic, Kevin carefully places his brother's pet 500lbs Siberian tiger on his face.
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Jun 3, 2021 03:34
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Marv and Harry get separated when the lights in the house go out. Strange and otherworldly noises echo throughout. Marv begins to panic and anxiously feels his way against the walls and furniture trying to find a way out, a way to escape from the supernatural noises that grow closer. His back sliding against the wall he feels a doorknob. He opens the door and backs past the threshold and closes the door. He is inside a pitch back closet. The noises appear to have subsided and he is temporarily deeply relieved. He reaches out and finds a light cord hanging from the ceiling. He pulls the cord with a click, immediately illuminating the tiny closet. He is face to face with a dildo on a jackhammer. Screams erupt from the closet, drowned by the sound of the 1500BPM torture. The camera slowly zooms out from the outside of the door showing the silhoute of Kevin facing the door, unflinching, listening to the cacophony of pain.
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Jun 3, 2021 03:46
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Kevin draws Marv and Harry into using their elite heavy sword infantry to attack his lightly armed peasants which he has deployed in the living room. When they have engaged he springs his trap: 40 armoured Indian war-elephants issue forth from the rumpus room and smash the Wet Bandit's army into splinters.
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Jun 3, 2021 03:57
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Kevin works with rap icon Cardi B to produce a risqué music video called “WAB (Wet rear end Bandits)”. Being extremely conservative, Harry and Marv clutch their pearls to death when the video is released.
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Jun 3, 2021 04:19
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marv was thrilled - this was their big break. they'd caught the luxury yacht as its jump engines were spooling down, their emp blast disabling their comm array before they had time to bleat a distress signal. and, even better, the scans had only shown one passenger. with a thump, the airlock finished mating, and the hatch began to spiral open marv looked over and couldn't help but grin - all theirs, for the looting. but as soon as they stepped aboard things seemed... strange. marv startled, catching movement out of the corner of his eye. no, it couldn't be... but it was. a dildo, on a jackhammer, coming towards him. and it wasn't alone.
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Jun 3, 2021 04:38
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Kevin studies sun Tzu's The Art of War and realizes that the fight is already won. Yeah, Kevin is deep as poo poo.
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Jun 3, 2021 04:52
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Kevin pawns all of his parents' most valuable possessions, and blames the wet bandits when his parents come back and the contents of the family safe are missing, as are the family's most expensive electronics and art pieces. Harry and Marv end up not being eligible for parole 10 years later as a result. Kevin makes sure to visit them every year though and showcase his latest watch though. This year he got a rolex!
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Jun 3, 2021 04:57
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While the Wet Bandits are distracted breaking into the McAllister's home Kevin breaks into their homes and kills their pets and their families.
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Jun 3, 2021 07:00
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Kevin throws a brick off the roof and hits Marv in the face, killing him instantly.
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Jun 3, 2021 07:09
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Kevin fakes his own death, implicating the sticky bandits who get arrested and put on death row for first degree murder. Wearing a prosthetic face, the brat mugs at the camera.
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Jun 3, 2021 07:16
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I was going to design a trap where Harry and Marv get tied down squatting naked and a mechanism forces them to do non-stop conebros. Then I remembered how old Kevin was and thought the better of it. But "Kevin" would be like 50 years old by now. So instead: Harry and Marv break in through a window, then both immediately have heart attacks and die, because they're so loving old and  .
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Jun 3, 2021 07:22
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Kevin trains his many pet crabs to snip at Harry and Marv with their claws, trapping them in a classic pincer movement.
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Jun 3, 2021 07:39
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"Well THIS is gonna leave a mark", groans Marv, right before tripping on Hot Wheels and falling face-first into the corner of the heavy oak coffee table, crushing his nose and orbital socket. The brutal impact also causes Marv to bite off a large portion of his inner cheek, now embedded with the fragments of teeth and bone from the remnants of his upper jaw. He takes a violent gasp for air and goes into shock, the convulsions causing his eye to detach from its shattered socket. "Hnngnnnnggh" gurgles Marv, as blood pools around his twitching body.
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Jun 3, 2021 10:55
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Harry opens the refrigerator to get a snack but is shocked to discover the “refrigerator” is actually an iron maiden in disguise. While he’s pondering why the McCalister refrigerator is lined with metal spikes, a boot on the end of a stick swings down from the ceiling behind him and kicks him inside. Harry howls with pain as the door snaps shut and locks behind him. A pool of blood spreads from the base of the fridge.
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Jun 3, 2021 12:39
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Marv thinks he sees Kevin running into one of the upstairs bedrooms and makes pursuit, but as he charges through the door into the darkened room he discovers there’s no floor and falls three stories down into the basement.
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Jun 3, 2021 12:41
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While the Wet Bandits are raiding the house, Kevin sneaks outside and hijacks the wrecking-ball crane parked across the street.
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Jun 3, 2021 12:43
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I’m just now realizing that Home Alone is what Blake Snyder would describe as a “monster in the house” plot but with Kevin as the monster.
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Jun 3, 2021 12:44
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Kevin throws down some marbles at the top of the stairs and slides down the banister, running away. Merv and Gene encounter the trap and Gene elects to slide down the stairs like Kevin, avoiding the trap. Merv however runs directly into the trap and trips down the stairs, fatally breaking his neck. Gene has comically racked his balls on the end of the handrail and now his compatriots dead body flops on top of him, comically knocking the wind from him. Cut to Kevin, peeking around a corner. He smiles, winks, and runs off around the corner as Gene wheezes an oath of vengeance.
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Jun 3, 2021 12:55
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Kevin prepares a beautiful spread of the finest meats, cheeses, along with platters of the freshest vegetables and fruits in the dining room. Lit candles, several bottles of wine, the works. The Wet Bandits discover the waiting meal and dig in, thinking they’ve found the jackpot. An hour later, full to bursting, the pair laze in their chairs, fat and drowsy from their gluttony. Kevin appears and solemnly fires one round into Marv’s forehead. He slumps to the table. Harry has only time to blink groggily before bone and brain splatters the back of his chair. Marv twitches and Kevin pops two more into the top of the bandit’s head.
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Jun 3, 2021 13:31
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Springloaded restraining bars and ropes fly out from the wall trapping the burglar, while a syringe comes down from the ceiling and squirts nectar into his ears, and a flock of humming birds are released to lick it all up. While distracted, a modified cow milking machine emerges out of the floor and begins harvesting the burglar's semen. It is transported through tubes down to the underground genetics lab and used to create animal-burglar hybrids.
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Jun 3, 2021 13:35
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Kevin turns the house itself into a large Gundam-like robot, smashing Harry and Marv repeatedly with massive fists made of brick and drywall.
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Jun 3, 2021 13:38
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Kevin sets up a claymore mine attached to a trip wire in the steaming jungle and waits in predatory silence for Harry and Marv to make their way through. It was his trail now and anyone that wanted to pass had to a pay a toll: A blood toll.
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Jun 3, 2021 13:46
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Harry and Marv wake up in a cornfield with huge, magnetic collars bolted around their necks. When they try to flee, they are decapitated by flying circular saws.
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Jun 3, 2021 14:10
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Kevin buys a toy robot, programs it to punch, and then puts brass knucles on its hands. Introducing - NUTCRACKER 5000!! Harry and Marv's testicles are brutally assaulted by the tiny mechanical terror, causing them decades of anguish and for Marv to abandon his dreams of ever fathering a child.
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Jun 3, 2021 14:20
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A Fancy Hat posted:Kevin turns the house itself into a large Gundam-like robot, smashing Harry and Marv repeatedly with massive fists made of brick and drywall. after easily dispatching the two burglars, the house-robot begans rampaging through the neighborhood. the death toll is in the thousands.
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Jun 3, 2021 14:34
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Mooey Cow posted:Springloaded restraining ars and ropes fly out from the wall trapping the burglar, while a syringe comes down from the ceiling and squirts nectar into his ears, and a flock of humming birds are released to lick it all up. While distracted, a modified cow milking machine emerges out of the floor and begins harvesting the burglar's semen. It is transported through tubes down to the underground genetics lab and used to create animal-burglar hybrids. Please... Continue..
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Jun 3, 2021 15:15
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Kevin shoots both bandits in the stomach and they lay on the floor and die in agony over the next 6 hours
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Jun 3, 2021 15:20
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Kevin lines a narrow hallway with razorblades, then turns out the lights on Harry and Marv. Thinking they've outsmarted him by simply walking slowly and carefully to the end of the hall, the Wet Bandits are terrified to hear the sounds of barking, ferocious dogs chasing after them from one end of the hallway.
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Jun 3, 2021 15:20
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Kevin administers vaccines filled with microchips into Harry and Marv, using a dildo attached to a jackhammer.
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Jun 3, 2021 19:34
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Kevin sneaks up behind Marv and subdues him using an ether-soaked cloth. Hours later, Marv wakes up in a dungeon to the sound of Harry’s cries. He gets up off the table he’s laying on but something doesn’t feel right. He looks down and screams. His penis and balls have been replaced with a dildo attached to a jackhammer. Harry’s cries finally break through his brain fog and he looks for his friend. There he is, or at least part of him. The only exit from the dungeon has been bricked up, with Harry’s naked butthole right in the center. There’s only one way Marv is getting out of this jam. Harry’s screams are soon drowned out by the sound of a jackhammer motor coming to life.
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Jun 3, 2021 19:42
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Harry and Marv awaken after falling prey to Kevin's sleeping gas trap. Marv attempted to run his hands through his hair as he shook off the drowsiness, but can only manage to feel one hand. "Where's my other ha-" He turned his head to look for his right hand, and banged his chin into Harry's head. Marv's head had been sewn onto Harry's body! "More like The Ettin Bandits, right guys?" cackles Kevin.
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Jun 3, 2021 19:50
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| # ? May 28, 2024 15:40 |
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Marv cautiously opens a door and realizes to his horror he has set off a fiendish Rube Goldberg device: 1. The string turns on a fan, pointed at a line of dominoes. 2. The fan blows down the lead domino, setting off the line. 3. The last domino falls onto a balance, lifting the opposite end. 4. The rising balance clicks on a cymbal-banging monkey. 5a. The monkey walks forward, turning on an old-timey radio, which happens to be playing "Powerhouse." 5b. The monkey crashes into balsa tower, knocking a glass of water onto the radio. 6. The radio catches on fire, lighting a model rocket fuse. 7. The rocket flies up a line, bumping a tennis ball. 8. The tennis ball bumps into a baseball. 9. The baseball bumps into a softball. 10. The softball bumps into a volleyball. 11. The volleyball lands on the rug in front of Marv. 12. Kevin jumps out from where he was hiding and, using a golf club, hits Marv in the dick.
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Jun 3, 2021 20:25
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