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Hellblazer187 posted:I've basically never been single over the age of 21, and generally hate bars, so I guess I'm biased. I can't imagine my wife being cool with me going to wingman some dude trying to get laid, and I certainly wouldn't be cool with her wingwomaning at a bar either. I kinda feel like friends going out to find bone partners should leave relationship people out of it? I'm pretty sure that most people don't go to bars to bone. Sometimes you just want to go have a beer so cold that it freezes as it spills over the edge of the glass and catch up with some acquaintances.
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Jun 18, 2018 16:51
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Hellblazer187 posted:...Why is someone in a relationship constantly at bars anyways? If you want to drink it's cheaper to drink at home with friends. I guess it depends on the type of bar? Like is she going for live music or whatever? But if so why is BF not going with her? I just don't understand this dynamic at all. Part of that may be that I only go to bars for fried food and music though. Bars are fun OP Get some good food, get some beers you don't have, get some drinks you can't mix, have a good time with friends Ouhei posted:Sometimes people want to go out and drink in a busy, social setting. Maybe she's meeting a bunch of friends out there for a girls night so the BF isn't invited, maybe he's not the bar scene type but she is and goes without him. The post does make it sound like this happens fairly often so who knows. I don't entirely get it either, but we don't have all the info on it and it ultimately doesn't matter. Honest question: does going "sorry, I have a boyfriend" and immediately starting to talk to your friends again not work most of the time? I imagine it wouldn't deter an extremely sloppy-drunk guy, but writing down "555-5555" or getting him bounced probably would  that the boyfriend in that story was a huge rear end in a top hat though, you gotta approach it from a "let's work together to find a better solution to this problem" angle rather than a "illogical irrational human female simply does not possess my perfect brain, le sigh" angle
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Jun 18, 2018 16:53
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Iron Crowned posted:I'm pretty sure that most people don't go to bars to bone. Sometimes you just want to go have a beer so cold that it freezes as it spills over the edge of the glass and catch up with some acquaintances. Eh, OK. My experience with bars is about 25% one particular bar in Manchester, NH that had half price apps and live music on Tuesdays, and about 75% based on what I see on television and movies. So maybe I'm wrong about it. I still think it's crazy to be in a relationship and give out your number. Do guys at bars not respect "no, I have a boyfriend?" and if not, are there better bars with better guys out there?
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Jun 18, 2018 16:55
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Hellblazer187 posted:I've basically never been single over the age of 21, and generally hate bars, so I guess I'm biased. I can't imagine my wife being cool with me going to wingman some dude trying to get laid, and I certainly wouldn't be cool with her wingwomaning at a bar either. I kinda feel like friends going out to find bone partners should leave relationship people out of it? Like many things, it varies from couple to couple! I'd be okay with it, and I'd expect any partners I have to be okay with it too, but that's just how I am.
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Jun 18, 2018 16:56
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Hellblazer187 posted:Eh, OK. My experience with bars is about 25% one particular bar in Manchester, NH that had half price apps and live music on Tuesdays, and about 75% based on what I see on television and movies. So maybe I'm wrong about it. How I Met Your Mother is a pretty good example of how most people use bars The cast goes there to hang out, and if Neil Patrick Harris wants to try to get laid, he has the option, but most of the time he's there to see his friends
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Jun 18, 2018 16:57
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I've never seen Cheers but it is my understanding that the cast of that show isn't any more interested in constantly trying to bone each other than the cast of most TV shows about adults are, and it takes place entirely in a bar
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Jun 18, 2018 16:58
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I mean it sounds like she's kind of explicitly going to more clubby places than a sit around and have a few drinks with yourfriend/shoot some pool bar. Her problem just seems so weird to me, that she goes out to places where she's gonna get hit on so regularly without her boyfriend that this has become an issue in their relationship just screams redflag to me.
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Jun 18, 2018 17:07
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loquacius posted:Honest question: does going "sorry, I have a boyfriend" and immediately starting to talk to your friends again not work most of the time? I imagine it wouldn't deter an extremely sloppy-drunk guy, but writing down "555-5555" or getting him bounced probably would
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Jun 18, 2018 17:10
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I've also never tried to pick up strangers in bars, but walking up to someone and asking for their number without so much as having a conversation with them to gauge your respective interest in each other first sounds like it would work 0% of the time (which is of course not to say I believe sloppy-drunk guys wouldn't still be trying it all the time)
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Jun 18, 2018 17:10
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What the gently caress is this phone number poo poo? Bars are for playing pool. E: and smoking indoors
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Jun 18, 2018 17:10
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loquacius posted:I've also never tried to pick up strangers in bars, but walking up to someone and asking for their number without so much as having a conversation with them to gauge your respective interest in each other first sounds like it would work 0% of the time why do you assume this is only being done by "sloppy-drunk" guys? why are you failing to put the puzzle pieces together and realize that the exact kind of person who would just demand a phone number bc he feels entitled to a woman's attention for no good reason is also the exact kind of person who would not accept the woman's refusal?
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Jun 18, 2018 17:13
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When you get to the club find the biggest meanest looking dude and gently caress him.
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Jun 18, 2018 17:14
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ArbitraryC posted:When you get to the club find the biggest meanest looking dude and gently caress him. You left off 'up with a cue stick' but your method may get results too
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Jun 18, 2018 17:17
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InediblePenguin posted:why do you assume this is only being done by "sloppy-drunk" guys? To be fair, my anecdotal experience does sorta suggest the same kind of piece of poo poo who feels entitled to a woman's attention also feels women are property, so saying "I have a boyfriend" will usually cause most to gently caress off At least, that's why a female friend who was single at the time said she always claimed to have a boyfriend when going out to bars, but I donno
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Jun 18, 2018 17:18
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InediblePenguin posted:why do you assume this is only being done by "sloppy-drunk" guys? That post wasn't in response to yours, I hadn't seen it yet. It was in response to ArbC. I'm not trying to argue anything here, especially what you seem to think I am (that she's making it all up or something???) But repeatedly giving these particular assholes your real and actual phone number seems to be a great way to defer their harassment efforts until later, and if that OP's boyfriend was as smart as he thinks he is he'd have suggested that maybe she should just give them the local PD's non-emergency number instead Another honest question which I hope nobody tries to read anything into: don't these clubby bars usually have bouncers whose job it is to, among other things, dissuade pushy gentlemen from causing a scene? Do they tend to ignore requests for help in this regard?
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Jun 18, 2018 17:19
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Ugh, guys that think women owe them anything at bars are a dime a dozen, and would make going to the bar as a woman quite annoying. I was at a bar once and some "nice guy" was yelling at the top of his lungs how the women there had no standards because they were all with dudes he deemed unworthy. Of course, he had no women by him at all. lol
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Jun 18, 2018 17:21
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Blade Runner posted:To be fair, my anecdotal experience does sorta suggest the same kind of piece of poo poo who feels entitled to a woman's attention also feels women are property, so saying "I have a boyfriend" will usually cause most to gently caress off When I was 18-20 I had some friends who would take me along with them to the club because sometimes they don't gently caress off.
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Jun 18, 2018 17:21
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I'm not assuming you think she's lying, I'm honestly just assuming you're somehow managing to be completely ignorant of everything women have been saying forever all over the internet about how dudes interact with them, which is: there are a ton of assholes who actively refuse to take no for an answer, even if the woman gives a fake number (see posts in this very thread where people report that the dude IMMEDIATELY CALLS THE NUMBER AND GETS MAD IF IT'S FAKE), or says she has a boyfriend (as mentioned above some of these dudes back off from another man's property, but plenty seem to see it as a challenge and keep trying unless the other man is physically present to deter them), or does any of the other "why didn't you just" poo poo. not all of these assholes are sloppy drunk when they do this, not all of these assholes are purposefully following PUA scripts, a lot of dudes are just assholes the end e: I'm not saying this to mean "so obviously the woman in the Reddit post is right to just keep giving her real number out", i'm saying this to directly answer your questions about women and men in bars in general
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Jun 18, 2018 17:27
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Hellblazer187 posted:I've basically never been single over the age of 21, and generally hate bars, so I guess I'm biased. I can't imagine my wife being cool with me going to wingman some dude trying to get laid, and I certainly wouldn't be cool with her wingwomaning at a bar either. I kinda feel like friends going out to find bone partners should leave relationship people out of it? Sorry you and your partner are terminally uncool I guess? Going to your bar with friends is a really really normal thing to do.
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Jun 18, 2018 17:30
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Aramoro posted:Sorry you and your partner are terminally uncool I guess? Going to your bar with friends is a really really normal thing to do. We just have them over the house to drink wine instead.
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Jun 18, 2018 17:32
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Bringing your bf to bars with you is a good way to avoid this situation.
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Jun 18, 2018 17:32
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Dude should frankly be going to the club with her if its this frequent and this dangerous
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Jun 18, 2018 17:33
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ArbitraryC posted:I mean it sounds like she's kind of explicitly going to more clubby places than a sit around and have a few drinks with yourfriend/shoot some pool bar. Her problem just seems so weird to me, that she goes out to places where she's gonna get hit on so regularly without her boyfriend that this has become an issue in their relationship just screams redflag to me. Yeah this is what I'm trying to say.
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Jun 18, 2018 17:33
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Blade Runner posted:To be fair, my anecdotal experience does sorta suggest the same kind of piece of poo poo who feels entitled to a woman's attention also feels women are property, so saying "I have a boyfriend" will usually cause most to gently caress off Not always, unfortunately. I’ve had guys double-down that they’d ‘make me forget all about my boyfriend’ if I gave them a chance. I’ve got a diamond ring I wear on my right hand, I started switching it to my left hand after I flipped out at a guy in a bar because I wasn’t ‘taken’. Guy backed off my other three friends who had wedding bands/engagement rings. I just said I wasn’t interested and he got in my face screaming ‘Well gently caress you! Your mother must have died to give you an attitude like that, oval office!’ My mother had just died a few months previous and I threw my drink in his face and started yelling ‘get him the gently caress outta here!’ at his friends. My brother and all the guys we were with just stood there, and then nobody would drive me home (five minutes away) because I ‘shouldn’t let some drunk rear end in a top hat ruin my evening’.
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Jun 18, 2018 17:35
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I feel like maybe 10 years ago "I have a boyfriend" would usually make guys stop. I don't know whether it's a difference in the culture or just in my age, but saying "I have a boyfriend" does nothing anymore, it just immediately leads to "oh so you're not married"
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Jun 18, 2018 17:44
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i like nice words
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Honestly it sounds like bars are horror shows for women, wtf.
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Jun 18, 2018 17:45
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Hellblazer187 posted:Honestly it sounds like bars are horror shows for women, wtf. They are, its why historically they werent where couples met and the rate is further declining. Theyre also becoming worse and worse places to meet people because actual catches shifted that didnt get snapped up in college or at work are doing online dating leaving the absolute dregs of men in bars. Its also emboldened them because that means any woman in one has self selected that dating option, so by default they assume she is that kind of woman.
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Jun 18, 2018 17:48
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dudeness posted:My (21F) Roomate (24M) just crossed a major boundary & I feel violated. How do i bring this up with my boyfriend (24M) without causing drama? One of the big red flags they warn about in “gift of fear” is unsolicited promises. “I’m not going to rape you” being a great example of a giant 
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Jun 18, 2018 17:53
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Anne Whateley posted:I feel like maybe 10 years ago "I have a boyfriend" would usually make guys stop. I don't know whether it's a difference in the culture or just in my age, but saying "I have a boyfriend" does nothing anymore, it just immediately leads to "oh so you're not married" The boldest response to that Ive heard was “thats cool, he can watch”
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Jun 18, 2018 17:55
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Caganer posted:One of the big red flags they warn about in “gift of fear” is unsolicited promises. “I’m not going to rape you” being a great example of a giant it's one of those things that someone really shouldn't have to say
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Jun 18, 2018 17:55
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Anne Whateley posted:I feel like maybe 10 years ago "I have a boyfriend" would usually make guys stop. I don't know whether it's a difference in the culture or just in my age, but saying "I have a boyfriend" does nothing anymore, it just immediately leads to "oh so you're not married" what about just having your actual boyfriend that you really have there with you?
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Jun 18, 2018 18:03
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ArbitraryC posted:what about just having your actual boyfriend that you really have there with you? The answer is “its girls night, youll scare away the men my friend is trying to find” or it leads to you sitting alone at a bar for hours only called upon if needed which is just a tedious as hell evening which should lead you to question what the hell is wrong with your girlfriend and all her friends.
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Jun 18, 2018 18:19
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LadyPictureShow posted:Not always, unfortunately. I’ve had guys double-down that they’d ‘make me forget all about my boyfriend’ if I gave them a chance. ArbitraryC posted:what about just having your actual boyfriend that you really have there with you? I think a better solution for her would be to maybe try some different bars maybe? The BF was an rear end in a top hat about it, but he had a good point in saying to talk to security about guys that get aggressive when they're turned down. I admittedly don't frequent clubby bars so I don't know how effective that is, but it does seem to be a reason they're there. Obviously it's all masking the underlying problem of entitled aggressive douchebags, but OP isn't going to solve that issue and owes it to herself to figure out a better solution than to just hand out her actual phone number to guys that clearly shouldn't have any of her personal information.
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Jun 18, 2018 18:20
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Cat Army
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Look a nightclub only has two ways to sort out the riff-raff; raise the cover charge on men to guarantee that every boundary breaking man in there is at least loaded or play actual pornography on the walls so nobody thinks this is jusy a fun place to hang with the girls. Both of these places are real and owned by the same management group
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Jun 18, 2018 18:24
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When I used to say "I have a boyfriend", I got a lot of responses like, "oh, I just meant (give me your number/let's hang out sometime) as friends" and I still have to say no but then it's more awkward. Not sure how to deal with that move. These days I just avoid scenarios that have me talking to strange men.
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Jun 18, 2018 18:28
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Barudak posted:The answer is “its girls night, youll scare away the men my friend is trying to find” or it leads to you sitting alone at a bar for hours only called upon if needed which is just a tedious as hell evening which should lead you to question what the hell is wrong with your girlfriend and all her friends. Yeah sure but is it girls night literally every night? This is an ongoing issue and it just frankly comes across as weird to me it'd be such a consistent problem. I feel like the majority of the time, the bf should be invited.
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Jun 18, 2018 18:28
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Maybe not the thread for this - but just out of curiosity are men WORSE since Trump was elected? Like did it embolden "lovely toxic masculinity" the way it emboldened "lovely white supremacy?" I've been out of the US for years now but I don't remember guys being like this when I was there. Then again, I was a guy and maybe just not paying attention to what women at the time were saying.
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Jun 18, 2018 18:33
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I'm mad to hear that this problem is apparently so much more widespread than I'd realized (I guess due to my no-nightclubs-ever bubble???) and I still wanna know why these places' bouncers aren't doing their goddamn jobs They keep out under-21s just fine, why is that apparently so much easier to ask of them than pruning the clientele for non-rapeyness
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Jun 18, 2018 18:33
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spatula posted:When I used to say "I have a boyfriend", I got a lot of responses like, "oh, I just meant (give me your number/let's hang out sometime) as friends" and I still have to say no but then it's more awkward. Not sure how to deal with that move. “Ive already reached Dunbars number, but if I have an opening in the future Ill be happy to evaluate you.” ArbitraryC posted:Yeah sure but is it girls night literally every night? This is an ongoing issue and it just frankly comes across as weird to me it'd be such a consistent problem. I feel like the majority of the time, the bf should be invited. Yes, this is the problem. The guy made the mistake of dating into a circle of women who haven't had a shareholder transition to majority in relationships to kill this behavior off
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Jun 18, 2018 18:37
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Ouhei posted:Good grief, I'm sorry your brother, other guy friends and lady friends are all terrible people. My brother’s a gently caress-face for sure. We all went out for his birthday when I was 22. I got a little drunk, went out back to smoke, and by the time I came back they had all left. (My brother apparently said ‘Nah, she’s fine to get home’ before they all bounced). The only point he got concerned was when another guy he ditched texted him saying ‘I’m leaving with your sister’. He let me sleep on his couch and drove me back to my car in the morning. Before you ask, I barely talk to my brother anymore.
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Jun 18, 2018 18:50
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