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Sounds like the photos were non-identifiable for the most part and even if the dude randomly stumbled upon them he wouldn't have known it was her. The only reason was because he snooped in her reddit account on her own PC. So none of the comparisons ya'll are making are really on point. She isn't doing porn or doing cam shows with her face in view and then complaining when she is recognized... Dudes a dick. He knew he violated her privacy and abused the friendship. But I'm going to laugh at how moronic the dude is for outing himself with the fishnet remark, what an idiot.
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Jun 9, 2019 09:40
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I mean, in this example I wouldn't care because like, I'd immediately know that person is a pedophile. But it doesn't matter when they tell me, because that stuff exists forever, she really wasn't thinking when she made it, and she was hiding it from her partner. If you're ever in a porn whether you consent or not, you're going to have to deal with the fact that people are going to see you naked, and those people might be close to you. She shouldn't have been posting pictures of herself if there was ANYONE she was uncomfortable with seeing it. Like she also lied to her boyfriend about it, and she also made it clear she would have been totally ok with it, if he had just not told her.
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Jun 9, 2019 09:42
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Dude what the actual gently caress are you going on about imaginary non-consensual porn and how people should just loving deal with it
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Jun 9, 2019 09:50
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I don't think by 'pretend he didn't [find her porn]' she meant she was fine with him using it as long as he didn't tell her. I read it as he saying he should have stopped looking at it when he realised it was her. Which is sad, because him actively hunting it down knowing it was her adds a whole extra layer she'd be upset about (which is why he's hiding it). It would be a totally different story if the guy was like "so I realised my friend did porn, and she's hot so I looked at it a lot, and I always assumed she'd be fine with it because it was posted publicly. Now she's found out and is super upset with me, and I feel really bad that I upset her, but I don't think I actually did anything wrong?". He would not be the rear end in a top hat in this case. It's not about the porn, it's about him knowing his actions were lovely, admitting that he knew at the time that his actions were lovely, but trying to find a loophole where doing lovely things to your friends doesn't make you an rear end in a top hat.
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Jun 9, 2019 09:51
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InediblePenguin posted:Dude what the actual gently caress are you going on about imaginary non-consensual porn and how people should just loving deal with it I'm not going to break down and cry because my most vulnerable moment is on the internet forever. e: And she shouldn't either. Turtlicious fucked around with this message at 09:55 on Jun 9, 2019 |
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Jun 9, 2019 09:53
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Turtlicious posted:I'm not going to break down and cry because my most vulnerable moment is on the internet forever. That's great, but it would also be fine if you did cry about it, and there's no reason to hold anyone else to your level of stoicism. It's also a really weird comparison to make to the story posted. If anything, I'd say your uncle is the closest stand in for the OP (in that he knowingly did a lovely thing to someone else for his own pleasure), and I absolutely don't think anyone would argue that your uncle wasn't an rear end in a top hat. Or that you would be wrong to cut ties with him for being an rear end in a top hat.
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Jun 9, 2019 09:59
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I cut ties with most of my family when I went into foster care after a few years. I think I'm drawing false parallels and should stop posting.
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Jun 9, 2019 10:01
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HazCat posted:Alternatively "I feel like you violated my boundaries by intentionally and knowingly doing something you knew would make me uncomfortable". I guess I have no frame of reference here because I don't post naked pictures of myself in public, but what boundary violation was committed? She made and then posted the pictures to a public place. Did she not realize that anyone could see them, including people she knows in real life? If you find out that someone posts pornography of themselves, are you supposed to tell them that you found it? How does that conversation normally go? "Hey I found the subreddit where you post pornographic pictures of yourself. Just wanted to mention what a great job you did with the pube styling, do you go to a professional to get that done or do you do it yourself?"
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Jun 9, 2019 10:02
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AITA after my GF got blind drunk and vomited all over me and our bed? She is not great at handling her booze, and vomits quite frequently. She enjoys casual drinking but is not an alcholoic - it puts a strain on our relationship as i care for her health and i also have to take responsibilty for her drinking. About a year ago, she drank too much on her birthday and ended up being so drunk she was blacked out and ended up vomiting in our bed. At the time, i did what was necessary, i cleaned it up and looked after her. When she felt better i told her that seeing her in that state really scared me and that while i cleaned her up, it was something that i didn't enjoy. She agreed per se, but kept reitorating that she cant really keep count of drinking and enjoys getting swept up in the enjoyment, and that vomiting it out is a way of making her fell better. She has drank and vommed since - nothing as severe, i remind her of my stress about her health but she plays it down. Fast track a few hours ago, her friend and her were going out this evening. I came home after seeing a friend and went to bed. She ended up coming home at about 6am completely wasted with her friend laughing loudly, bumping into things and making a loud raquet, she came in talking to me so loudly as if she wasnt even aware i was sleeping and got into bed. I was pretty annoyed... just at her lack of considering me sleeping and what we've talked about. Half an hour later she sits up and proceeds to vomit a full meal and booze all over me and our bed. For a few minutes she didnt realise what had happened and was trying to shovel the vomit away from her. I got up and took the doona that was full of buckets of vomit and scooped it into a bag and and washed up. I came in and she just looked at me and asked me what was wrong, confused, i told her she vomited everywhere and she finally understood. I lost it and told that i was sick of doing this, that i have had enough and that she needed to grow up and that i was over her drinking. I called her selfish and that she doesnt consider me or her health and that i had to clean up after her. She said that she went out and had a good time, that this doesn't happen often and that she cant control her drinking when shes in the moment, that i was accusing her of doing this deliberalty and often to annoy me. That she cant help vomiting and that i dont support her through it. that i have shamed her in this instance and made her feel small, that i am holding this over her head as blackmail and guilt and now whenever she gets drunk shell be staying at her friends because i havent supported her. I said that had she been sick from a virus, and vomited id be there to clean up without judgement - but i cant keep looking after her poor choices. AITA in this?
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Jun 9, 2019 10:20
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See the example in (E: the post before) my last post for what it would look like if he'd seen her porn but not been an arsehole. He knew his actions would hurt her, (as proven by all the ways he explicitly says he hid it from her), and he did it anyway. Doing things that will hurt your friends is an rear end in a top hat thing to do. Once again: it's not about the porn. If he'd run over her dog, and spent an entire year covering it up and actively misleading her about it, he'd be an rear end in a top hat. If he knew someone was stealing cash from her, but let them get away with it, he'd be an rear end in a top hat. Any scenario in which you are intentionally doing something that you know would hurt a friend (whether or not they ever find out), you're an rear end in a top hat. E: regarding what to do if you find porn of your friend: you should use your human empathy to try to decide what they'd want you to do. Maybe they'd appreciate a heads up that it's not as anonymous as they think. Most likely, they'd prefer you not to mention it (and, as the girl in that story said, just to pretend you never found it - which means not viewing it again). What you shouldn't do is keep looking at it if you know they'd be uncomfortable if they knew you were looking at it. You shouldn't intentionally hide information from them to prevent them making informed choices. You shouldn't knowingly do a thing that would hurt them just because it's easy to justify, or because you don't really understand why they'd feel hurt by it. HazCat fucked around with this message at 10:34 on Jun 9, 2019 |
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Jun 9, 2019 10:25
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Pinecone Sample posted:My [28F] Current Boyfriend [32M] Freaked Out By My Ex's Socioeconomic Status this story just keeps dishing out the hits 
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Jun 9, 2019 10:36
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If her friend is a woman shes gonna find out real fast nobody wants to deal with a person who throws up in their bed because they cant count
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Jun 9, 2019 10:54
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Smirking_Serpent posted:AITA after my GF got blind drunk and vomited all over me and our bed? 
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Jun 9, 2019 11:39
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Smirking_Serpent posted:AITA after my GF got blind drunk and vomited all over me and our bed? Also lol at “I should stay over at a friends instead”. If you’re vomiting on a friend’s furniture due to drinking, you’re going to never be allowed back.
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Jun 9, 2019 11:51
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If you personally choose to publicise your nudes openly on the open internet for the general public to masturbate to, it is your fault when people masturbate to them. You have no reasonable expectation of privacy for things you publicise. Masturbating to your friends nudes, when they explicitly consented to them being masturbated to by the general public, is not a bad thing; friend committed no sin, has no apology to make. TheMaskedUgly fucked around with this message at 11:58 on Jun 9, 2019 |
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Jun 9, 2019 11:55
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HazCat posted:See the example in (E: the post before) my last post for what it would look like if he'd seen her porn but not been an arsehole. quote:It would be a totally different story if the guy was like "so I realised my friend did porn, and she's hot so I looked at it a lot, and I always assumed she'd be fine with it because it was posted publicly. Now she's found out and is super upset with me, and I feel really bad that I upset her, but I don't think I actually did anything wrong?". He would not be the rear end in a top hat in this case. For all she knows, that hypothetical where he did nothing wrong was what happened (e.g. he just randomly found her pictures one day and then started followed her account's new posts). But she feels that her privacy was violated anyway. That's all that my post was addressing: her reaction to what is ultimately someone finding her publicly-posted self-made pornography. quote:He knew his actions would hurt her, (as proven by all the ways he explicitly says he hid it from her), and he did it anyway. I don't think he expected that his actions would hurt her, rather I think he just didn't want to have an awkward conversation. That's why I asked what you think the expected behavior should be; if she's posting the pictures publicly for other people to view, then I don't see any need for anyone to have a conversation about it. The analogies you've created here aren't really applicable; looking at the pictures that someone posts of themselves should not create a grievance, unlike running over their dog or allowing someone to steal money from them. QuarkJets fucked around with this message at 12:01 on Jun 9, 2019 |
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Jun 9, 2019 11:59
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I want to be married to a person who cant to count to four says local maid
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Jun 9, 2019 11:59
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HazCat posted:E: regarding what to do if you find porn of your friend: you should use your human empathy to try to decide what they'd want you to do. Maybe they'd appreciate a heads up that it's not as anonymous as they think. Most likely, they'd prefer you not to mention it (and, as the girl in that story said, just to pretend you never found it - which means not viewing it again). Alright, let's use some empathy then: if it were me, I wouldn't want a friend to tell me that they were masturbating to pictures that I had posted on the internet, because that would be an uncomfortable conversation to have and it's not something that I want to know about. But I don't think that I would expect them to pretend like they never saw those pictures, if I deliberately made them public. So ultimately I wouldn't want to know about it but I wouldn't feel violated for knowing that someone was looking at them. And those reactions are based on already knowing that person; if some stranger approached me and said "last night I thought about you while I was masturbating", I would be extremely creeped out and ready to run cause this guy is probably going to want to use me to put the finishing touches on his home-made suit of human skin. Sometimes people think about other people while they masturbate, and sometimes those people might even be their friends. It would be uncomfortable to talk about that, but I don't see anything wrong with doing it. Does that make sense?
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Jun 9, 2019 12:02
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She knew he'd found her account a year ago and that he was still actively following it (because the fishnet stocking photo he referenced was recent). That's why she said she'd prefer if he'd pretended he'd never seen them (and why he's extra cowardly for lying about how he found them - he knows she'd have an even worse opinion of him if he told the truth). It also doesn't matter if she knew all the details. He knew he was doing something lovely. He even admits that it being taboo (ie something transgressive, that he shouldn't be doing) was part of the appeal. Again, he knew he was doing something that would hurt her. That's explicitly contained in the text. He knew she wouldn't want him to find the porn, he knew she wouldn't want him to view the porn, and he went out of his way to both keep looking at it, and to hide that he found it and was looking at it from her, because he knew that if she found out she would be hurt. He knew that if she found out, she would (at the very least) stop making porn on that account, because she wouldn't want him to see it. He went out of his way to disempower his friend from making choices because he wanted to keep wanking to her. You can come up with hypotheticals all you like, but this case boils down to "I knew my actions would hurt my friend but I did them anyway, am I an rear end in a top hat?". And the answer is yes. He is an rear end in a top hat. In your example, you say you wouldn't assume they'd be hurt. In which case you would not be an rear end in a top hat. As an aside, I know this thread talks a lot about how men have really shallow and empty friendships, but I never imagined that "don't do things that you know will hurt your friends" would be so controversial.
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Jun 9, 2019 12:14
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The fact that he only found the account because he snooped on her computer is not just a minor detail to be waved off. It changes everything because that is the only way he would have ever both found the pictures and associated them with her.
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Jun 9, 2019 12:24
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HazCat posted:She knew he'd found her account a year ago and that he was still actively following it (because the fishnet stocking photo he referenced was recent). That's why she said she'd prefer if he'd pretended he'd never seen them (and why he's extra cowardly for lying about how he found them - he knows she'd have an even worse opinion of him if he told the truth). Can I remind you that you were responding to this reaction: QuarkJets posted:"I feel like you violated my privacy by finding the pictures that I put on a public internet forum" says world's wisest person I'm really not even getting into whether or not he's an rear end in a top hat, I just don't think that there's an expectation of privacy when you post pictures of yourself to reddit
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Jun 9, 2019 12:29
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ParserGirl posted:The fact that he only found the account because he snooped on her computer is not just a minor detail to be waved off. It changes everything because that is the only way he would have ever both found the pictures and associated them with her. And also it shows that right from the start he a) knew she wouldn't want him looking at her nudes and b) was willing to hide it from her. He says 'so of course I quickly closed the tab' like that's no big deal, but it belies any claim he makes that he didn't realise what he was doing was wrong. If he really thought she wouldn't care because they were public, why close the tab of them she had open on her own computer? QuarkJets posted:Can I remind you that you were responding to this reaction: Yes, and my point was that it's not a violation of privacy, but it is a violation of boundaries. And you asked what boundary, and my answer is basically the boundary of not doing poo poo that you know will hurt your friends. Do you believe people have a right to expect their friends not to (knowingly) do things that hurt them? Because to me that's essentially the fundamental difference between a friend and a stranger or acquaintance. HazCat fucked around with this message at 12:37 on Jun 9, 2019 |
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Jun 9, 2019 12:31
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The fact that she put them on one of the world's most popular sites means that she doesn't really get "control" over who sees her pictures any longer. The problem is that she put them up for I'm assuming to get a thrill out of it, and her friend seeing them made it real instead of fantasy and now she's mad. The guy is an idiot for ever saying a word about any of it, but how are you going to feel sorry for the friend? It's not like he stole her nudes or they were taken from her.
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Jun 9, 2019 13:32
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You can’t expect selective viewership on the internet. And anonymity is out the window with unique identifiers like YOUR FACE. Still, the way the guy stumbled across those pictures was scummy.
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Jun 9, 2019 13:36
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Leon Einstein posted:The fact that she put them on one of the world's most popular sites means that she doesn't really get "control" over who sees her pictures any longer. The problem is that she put them up for I'm assuming to get a thrill out of it, and her friend seeing them made it real instead of fantasy and now she's mad. The guy is an idiot for ever saying a word about any of it, but how are you going to feel sorry for the friend? It's not like he stole her nudes or they were taken from her. He snitched on her to her boyfriend after ONE DAY of her not answering his non apologies
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Jun 9, 2019 13:39
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AlBorlantern Corps posted:He snitched on her to his boyfriend after ONE DAY of her not answering his non apologies
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Jun 9, 2019 13:40
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ParserGirl posted:The fact that he only found the account because he snooped on her computer is not just a minor detail to be waved off. It changes everything because that is the only way he would have ever both found the pictures and associated them with her. And then lied about it too while simultaneously defending his lie. The dude knows exactly what he did was lovely but he wants to try and wriggle his way out of it like a worm so he also (subconsciously or not) went for the nuclear option of involving her boyfriend in their fight. quote:I just happened to find them (I didn’t mention I found them on her computer, but to my defense, she does have some identifying markings and a couple pictures where she shows most of her face; if she was trying for anonymity, she did a poo poo job).
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Jun 9, 2019 13:44
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Him personally viewing those photos was not some random act of nature. He actively chose to look them up and to repeatedly view them. He made a choice to do something he knew would hurt his friend. Expecting your friends not to do things they know will hurt you is not some impossible high standard, and that expectation doesn't disappear just because porn is involved. Again: if he didn't know what he was doing would hurt her, he would not be an rear end in a top hat. But he did, and he made the choice to do it anyway, so he is.
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Jun 9, 2019 13:46
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HazCat posted:See the example in (E: the post before) my last post for what it would look like if he'd seen her porn but not been an arsehole. I think everyone is missing how, after his creepiness blew up in his face, he then went and told her boyfriend. Anyone who believes his excuse (I wanted to apologise to him for disrespecting his relationship  ) is a loving idiot, he did it just to hurt her.
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Jun 9, 2019 13:47
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Smirking_Serpent posted:AITA for masturbating to naked pictures of my best friend? She feels like I violated her privacy whereas I feel like I did nothing wrong. RIGHT UP MY VEINS Oo
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Jun 9, 2019 13:53
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The dude is an rear end in a top hat with a lemon peel and deserves to sample a staircase, but posting nudes of yourself of your own volition online to porn sites, with or without identifying characteristics, is a level of intelligence reserved for people who have to ask if their partner making them do fake funerals for them where they must cry is weird.
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Jun 9, 2019 13:54
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Everyone in that story is an rear end in a top hat other than the boyfriend. Creepy creep OP for snooping, being a gross dude and Girlfriend for cheating on her boyfriend (which y'all are glossing over  ).
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Jun 9, 2019 13:57
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Leon Einstein posted:The fact that she put them on one of the world's most popular sites means that she doesn't really get "control" over who sees her pictures any longer. The problem is that she put them up for I'm assuming to get a thrill out of it, and her friend seeing them made it real instead of fantasy and now she's mad. The guy is an idiot for ever saying a word about any of it, but how are you going to feel sorry for the friend? It's not like he stole her nudes or they were taken from her. At least he told her bf too. Lol
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Jun 9, 2019 14:09
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TheMaskedUgly posted:If you personally choose to publicise your nudes openly on the open internet for the general public to masturbate to, it is your fault when people masturbate to them.  
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Jun 9, 2019 14:15
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sinning right now thinkin about you Yes, you
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Jun 9, 2019 14:35
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The sin of Onan wasn't masturbating. It was that he was pulling out so he would get a bigger inheritance. Any babies born would count as his dead brother's kid and would get a 2x inheritance multiplier from Onan's dad. Without a baby, all that cash is Onan's. Follow the money.
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Jun 9, 2019 14:38
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MasBrillante posted:Okay, that's exactly how I read it too. The way she says "this girl" and "this woman" seems like pointed gendering. Who describes their granddaughter like that? That was my first thought as well. Martha Stewart Undying posted:Everyone in that story is an rear end in a top hat other than the boyfriend. Creepy creep OP for snooping, being a gross dude and Girlfriend for cheating on her boyfriend (which y'all are glossing over The cheating thing doesn't really have anything to do with whether the OP was an rear end in a top hat though, does it? He still did something he knew would hurt her.
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Jun 9, 2019 14:39
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Araenna posted:The cheating thing doesn't really have anything to do with whether the OP was an rear end in a top hat though, does it? He still did something he knew would hurt her. Who's saying it does? We've often in the past passed down rear end in a top hat judgements on non-op's in the story, Why quit now just cause the op in question is a disgusting but kinda typical dude-pining-after-girl-best-friend. Yeah he hurt her. She hosed up by keeping her boyfriend in the dark about porn she makes. Something he clearly thinks is a deal breaker. They're both assholes in my book.
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Jun 9, 2019 14:46
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QuarkJets posted:I'm really not even getting into whether or not he's an rear end in a top hat, I just don't think that there's an expectation of privacy when you post pictures of yourself to reddit The way I read the story it does not sound like she would be identifiable in the pictures. There's a very strong through line that he would not have recognized her in the pictures if he'd come across them (phrasing !) on /whateverNSFW just by browsing. If he's only identifying her pictures by username then he's unquestionably the rear end in a top hat.
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Jun 9, 2019 14:52
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They're both assholes, but only the guy is getting defended by people in this thread, so the only discussion is about him. No one's glossing over how the girl is an rear end in a top hat (I definitely already said she is, and pointed out that it's for the exact same reason the OP is - lies of omission to get away with doing something they know would hurt someone they ostensibly care about).
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Jun 9, 2019 14:52
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