PYF: Funny Forum Quotes: Agent (7)47

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Dareon: Apr 6, 2009; by vyelkin

Biplane posted:

information wants to be free, fascist

Have you actually asked the information? Nine times out of ten information will choose safety over freedom.

# ? Feb 10, 2019 23:04

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# ? May 31, 2024 09:59

oldpainless: Oct 30, 2009; This 📆 post brought to you by RAID💥: SHADOW LEGENDS👥.
RAID💥: SHADOW LEGENDS 👥 - It's for your phone📲^TM� #ad📢

Then it deserves neither

# ? Feb 10, 2019 23:32

Eox: Jun 20, 2010; by Fluffdaddy

More like olpitiless

# ? Feb 10, 2019 23:37

Karate Bastard: Jul 31, 2007; Soiled Meat

Are these the dead forums, where the specified threads are not found?

# ? Feb 11, 2019 00:47

Outrail: Jan 4, 2009; www.sapphicrobotica.com

Dareon posted:

Have you actually asked the information? Nine times out of ten information will choose safety over freedom.

Nine time out of ten information is just recycled propaganda?

# ? Feb 11, 2019 02:02

Biplane: Jul 18, 2005

oldpainless posted:

Then it deserves neither

# ? Feb 11, 2019 03:16

Dareon: Apr 6, 2009; by vyelkin

Outrail posted:

Nine time out of ten information is just recycled propaganda?

# ? Feb 11, 2019 03:46

Yngwie Mangosteen: Aug 23, 2007

Sirotan posted:

What in the fukkkkkk

https://i.imgur.com/pNEL7RX.gifv

Solice Kirsk posted:

Hank Thrill.

# ? Feb 11, 2019 03:57

Ghost Leviathan: Mar 2, 2017; Exploration is ill-advised.

haveblue posted:

I thought there was a command to move a thread to the mod-only forum which had essentially this effect? There are definitely threads that have been deliberately disappeared, first one that comes to mind is the Duke Nukem Forever thread.

We call it 'sent to the next dimension'.

# ? Feb 11, 2019 05:02

Screaming Idiot: Nov 26, 2007; JUST POSTING WHILE JERKIN' MY GHERKIN SITTIN' IN A PERKINS!

BEATS SELLING MERKINS.

Ghost Leviathan posted:

We call it 'sent to the next dimension'.

It's the Home for Infinite Losers, also known as HFIL.

# ? Feb 11, 2019 05:13

Ugly In The Morning: Jul 1, 2010; Pillbug

sneakyfrog posted:

think it was that one bored guy that has too much money and you didnt have a fancy avatar to wreck

God drat I wish you didn�t have a fancy avatar.

E:but yeah, I hit him with it because it was a perfect turn of phrase and now it�s gonna haunt his posts for a while.

Double E: the only person I�ve redtexted out of malice is BravestOfTheLamps.

Triple E: redtexted myself from one of your posts.

Ugly In The Morning has a new favorite as of 05:31 on Feb 11, 2019

# ? Feb 11, 2019 05:17

Horace Kinch: Aug 15, 2007

Does anyone have a compilation of goon horror stories from Space Station 13? There were a bunch of them posted in the griefing thread but it's gone now.

# ? Feb 11, 2019 06:33

Keru: Aug 2, 2004; 'n suddenly there was a terrible roar all around us 'n the sky was full of what looked like 'uge bats, all swooping 'n screeching 'n divin' around the ute.

And Tyler Too! posted:

Does anyone have a compilation of goon horror stories from Space Station 13? There were a bunch of them posted in the griefing thread but it's gone now.

Honestly, best place to ask is in the SS13 thread in games: https://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=3815807

in the meantime:

PopeCrunch posted:

Oh god okay.

So back in the deeps of time before I was adminned, there was a brand new poison added that was basically an immediate death sentence with very little chance of survival even if you had a fully stocked medbay ready to rock the instant you got dosed: Initropidril. Through subterfuge, spying, begging, and good old fashioned skulduggery I had managed to get the recipe. Unfortunately, word got out that I had the recipe. I couldn't go a single round without some dickweed grabbing me and welding me into a closet to try and force me to give them the recipe or the like, and this wasn't slowed down no matter how many times the jerks got banned (for when they weren't antags). So in a fit of exasperation, I told one guy that the coders had implemented fluid tracking, and that this was key to the recipe: You had to piss in a container, drink it, piss again, drink THAT, and piss yet again. This would still appear as 'urine' if you analyzed it but it's totally triplepiss you guys trust me i swear.

That got them off my nuts for about a week, but then the abductions resumed apace because obviously it wasn't working. Oh, i said, I forgot to mention - it only works if the pisser has B+ blood.

For the next few MONTHS, whoever rolled captain would IMMEDIATELY haul balls to medbay, look up in the med computer everyone with B+ blood, and two minutes later they'd have some poor assistant cornered in some godforsaken maintenance tunnel somewhere, forcing them at gunpoint to drink their own piss. That was YEARS ago and i still get asked about it once in a while.

This is easily the greatest scam I have ever pulled in SS13 and will probably be a record I never beat.

# ? Feb 11, 2019 06:54

Malachite_Dragon: Mar 31, 2010; Weaving Merry Christmas magic

I dunno, Pope's greatest moment to me will always be when he outright deleted the Chemistry section, so people still somehow made bombs out of potato chips and glasses of water, and his reaction to such.

E: Also the time a pubbie had to be reported to the FBI and Cogwerks couldn't find -any- sections of the chat without someone farting in them to supply for evidence of said person making threats, so somewhere in the evidence archives of capitol hill are a bunch of screenshots of SS13 people screaming and farting. "God drat you all."

Malachite_Dragon has a new favorite as of 07:27 on Feb 11, 2019

# ? Feb 11, 2019 07:20

Dareon: Apr 6, 2009; by vyelkin

And Tyler Too! posted:

Does anyone have a compilation of goon horror stories from Space Station 13? There were a bunch of them posted in the griefing thread but it's gone now.

Here is a dramatic reading of Honk Honk Butt.

# ? Feb 11, 2019 17:07

TehRedWheelbarrow: Mar 16, 2011; Fan of Britches

Ugly In The Morning posted:

God drat I wish you didn�t have a fancy avatar.

E:but yeah, I hit him with it because it was a perfect turn of phrase and now it�s gonna haunt his posts for a while.

Double E: the only person I�ve redtexted out of malice is BravestOfTheLamps.

Triple E: redtexted myself from one of your posts.

im honored

code:

To use the [size] tag, you specify the desired size as its parameter and then surround the text you wish to resize. 

The sizes supported are 'xx-small', 'x-small', 'small', 'medium', 'large', 'x-large', and 'xx-large'. 
[size="x-large"]some text[/size]

so you can maximize your bored bezos enjoyment with some mega-redtexts

add some :siren:

s too

# ? Feb 11, 2019 17:22

Duodecimal: Dec 28, 2012; Still stupid

D-Pad posted:

One of the plot points from the goon quote about the stoner vatican movie came true:

https://thereisnews.com/two-altar-boys-was-arrested-for-putting-marijuana-in-the-censer-burner3333

ThereIsNews.com posted:

Legal Warging
The site �There is news� (https://thereisnews.com) (hereinafter referred to as TIN) is a humor site whose purpose is entertainment.

The content of TIN is fiction and does not correspond to reality.

# ? Feb 11, 2019 17:47

Powerful Two-Hander: Mar 10, 2004; Mods please change my name to "Tooter Skeleton" TIA.

Keru posted:

Honestly, best place to ask is in the SS13 thread in games: https://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=3815807

in the meantime:

I always laughed at some story that just had (as an aside) "I packed a thermos of hot soup and jumped out the airlock because having anything hot on you prevented freezing in space" or something because that's either incompetence or genius from whoever coded the thing.

# ? Feb 11, 2019 23:49

BOOTY-ADE: Aug 30, 2006; BIG KOOL TELLIN' Y'ALL TO KEEP IT TIGHT

And Tyler Too! posted:

Does anyone have a compilation of goon horror stories from Space Station 13? There were a bunch of them posted in the griefing thread but it's gone now.

Did a quick Google search & found a couple old threads that had some of the classics near the OP

https://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=3551842

https://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=3815807

Angry Diplomat posted:

The Doom Peel

If a banana peel is left on the floor, anyone who steps on it will slip and fall down. There used to be a Clown job, which started with a banana and was mostly responsible for playing pranks, telling jokes, raising spirits, and getting brutally murdered by the psychotic crew. When my brother first started playing SS13, he chose Clown and spent the entire round slipping people with his banana peel, farting in their faces while they lay stunned, and then peeling out of there like a brightly coloured human rally car while furiously honking his bike horn. He did this so much and so competently that several people were actively trying to murder him, which of course led to more slipping, farting, and honking before he'd lie low in a locker somewhere until they gave up the search.

One particular victim seemed to have terrible luck, as he ran afoul of my brother over, and over, and over again through no apparent fault of his own. He must have spent a third of the round lying on the floor with fart in his face and a cheery HONK HONK HONK ringing in his ears. After pratfalling for the fourteenth or fifteenth time, he impotently screamed, "CLOOOOOOOOOOOOWN!" at his retreating assailant. This had no effect, aside from causing my brother to laugh so hard that it brought him to tears.

That victim was THE OVERWASP, one of the game's administrators.

Rather than get angry, THE OVERWASP saw the humour in my brother's clowny antics. He telepathically instructed him to stand next to his banana peel for a moment, then implanted the clown's consciousness into the peel itself, giving my brother the ability to move it around directly.

As it turns out, a player-controlled banana peel is nothing short of apocalyptic in the right hands. The station rapidly descended into anarchy as police chases became Keystone Kopps fiascoes, Janitors were left facedown in their own suds, and panicking assistants fled shrieking from the demonically-possessed banana peel before it sent them tumbling facefirst into vending machines. In a desperate bid to restore order, one of the heads of staff seized the unholy fruit rind in his hand and stuffed it in his pocket. Striding triumphantly to the airlock to space the offending item, he met his doom when it leaped out of his pocket and slipped him, causing him to careen into the open void and be lost forever.

The escape shuttle was called, and the crew fled in terror, abandoning the station to its new master: the Doom Peel.

Don't accept drinks from The Devil

I played a few rounds as a Bartender named The Devil, with a huge black beard and glowing red eyes. I would start the round by taking several pills of Kelotane (a drug that cures burn damage over time), drinking a bunch of welding fuel, returning to the bar, and setting myself on fire. This produced a large but short-lived cloud of flame around me, giving most of the bar an ominously scorched appearance, and it allowed me keep burning for an extremely long period of time.

Because of the Kelotane in my system, the fire wouldn't actually hurt me; I could just stand around, blazing like a loving bonfire, chatting amiably with people as they tried to decide whether to order drinks or run for a fire extinguisher. So, when a crewmember walked into the bar, he would discover a charred hellhole staffed by a flame-wreathed, red-eyed man named The Devil. A surprising number of people decided to order drinks anyway.

Now, I figure The Devil knows how to throw a loving party. He doesn't just chuck a case of beer on the counter and call it quits, right? So whenever someone ordered a drink, I would mix together some hard liquor (usually vodka and rum), spritz in some welding fuel, and use a syringe to transfer some of my own blood to the glass, creating an unholy devilblood cocktail. Occasionally I would poo and pee in the glass as well, adding Jenkem to the list of Terrible Things Nobody Should Drink that were in the concoction.

Despite the fact that I did all of this gross poo poo in plain sight, just about everybody would take the drat thing and drink it anyway. Contrary to common sense, drinking that horrible sludge didn't really have any major negative effects, aside from moderate drunkenness and perhaps a mild Jenkem addiction. What's significant is that the welding fuel would remain in the imbiber's system for a while - and, party animal that he was, The Devil didn't skimp on the welding fuel.

Most rounds, this all amounted to nothing more than an overeager assistant spraying me with an extinguisher, putting out my hellfire, and incurring the wrath of Satan. But on one fateful round, the Botanist left a shitload of weed in the bar for everyone to enjoy. Paper was found, joints were rolled, someone produced an igniter, and then it was time to spark up.

The bar turned into a loving inferno. Some of the crew stopped, dropped, and rolled like sensible people, while others tried to flee in a drunken fiery panic, which was hilarious to watch because the really drunk ones had scrambled controls and would stagger around in random directions while screaming "Ooooohhhh ggggoooodddd!!" Throughout all of this, The Devil stood at his bar, unharmed by the omnipresent cloud of fire, and laughed uproariously while mainlining vodka.

I don't think anybody died, but some people probably came close. Things just got funnier later on, as Engineering failed to do its job and the station's power went out of whack. Power surges caused lights to explode, and the drinkers who'd left before the fire got hit by the sparks, had the fuel still in their bodies ignite, and promptly immolated their surroundings while screaming in uncomprehending terror. It was Hell on Earth. It was also, to be honest, completely hysterical.

I don't do that anymore, partly because it's kind of a dick move, partly because it gets old fast, and partly because an admin got pretty annoyed with me (but he was cool enough to settle for my promise not to do it anymore). Even so, though, I'll be damned if it wasn't some of the funniest poo poo I'd ever seen.

Don't accept medical treatment from The Devil: diabolic possession for fun and profit

There used to be an SS13 job called the Head Surgeon, which entailed being in charge of Medbay, the Robotics lab, and the Genetics lab. Roboticists can remove brains from people and put them into robot bodies, creating cyborgs; for this reason, there are usually a couple of Assistants hanging out at the Robotics door, begging to be "borged" so they can be cool robot mans instead of lovely greysuits.

Unbeknownst to many, brains can also be put into different bodies. This really doesn't give you anything except a dead dude with some other dude's brain in his head. However, if you bring that body back to life in some way (either using the Genetics lab to clone it, or using a particular complicated chemical mix to resurrect it with a chance of making it gib instead), the player that controls the new clone is determined by the brain - so you've got Joe Schmoe running around in John Q. Public's body.

The Devil did not go to med school to save lives. He did not study and slave just so he could collect a fat paycheque. The Devil practices medicine because he loves to indulge his scientific curiosity (and because he likes the colour red).

My early forays into brain transplantation went rather well. After a few misfires (the Robotics lab was full of blood, gibs, discarded brains, and rotting bodies with empty skulls), I finally got the hang of it and went looking for a likely victim volunteer. As luck would have it, I found a dead Quartermaster lying around in Medbay, and the body was fresh! I dragged him back to my operating table and excitedly pulled out his brain. Then I plugged it into another relatively intact body I had lying around, slapped the corpse into the cloning tube, and... discovered that he couldn't be cloned because the player had logged out. gently caress!

My appointed lab assistant, a delightfully amoral Engineer with a suspiciously firm grasp of brain surgery, saw a silver lining. He laid out the plan, and before long it was The Devil's turn to lie on the operating table. A few snips later and a brand spanking new Quartermaster was stepping out of the cloning pod, naked as a jaybird and healthy as a horse.

A Quartermaster with The Devil's brain. A Quartermaster who was literally The Devil in disguise.

It took less than three minutes for me to completely embezzle the station's entire Cargo budget and funnel it straight into Robotics research. None of the other Quartermasters batted an eye when they saw their coworker walk in and start using the Cargo Bay computer. They sure did yell a lot when they saw that big fat 0 though. I just quietly continued my experiments while my Roboticist lackeys gleefully spent their vast fortune to research nicer cyborg upgrades. Science is its own reward~

Don't accept medical treatment from The Devil: in space, no one can hear you file a malpractice claim

In a later round, I was eager to continue my highly unethical (read: highly hilarious) work. I promptly shuffled off to Robotics, prepped my surgical tools, and walked to the door to look for vict- oh hey an Assistant! What's up, little guy? You want to be borged? Hmm, I do need someone to donate a brain for a little experiment I'm planning. No, I promise I won't throw your brain in the garbage; you will be alive at the end of this. Yes, I know you want to be a Security cyborg - trust me, you will have a totally new lease on life by the end of this! Step into my office...

Idiot brain in hand, I hurried off to Genetics and grabbed a monkey. Previous tests had proven that it was not possible to resurrect monkeys with human brains, which saddened me, but I had a different objective in mind this time around. I dragged the monkey over to the genetic engineering console, put it into the pod, and used my ~mad science~ knowhow to... improve it. Yes, a beautiful new human body for my eager test subject.

He was not very happy to be revived as a black woman with Justin Bieber hair and a randomized name.

After a lengthy tantrum and a minor physical altercation, I calmed my volunteer down by promising to fix the problem. If she would just step into the genetics pod, it would be quite simple for me to make a few little changes that would resolve her complaints. Mollified, the grumbling lass hopped into the pod, which I promptly locked before randomly rolling my face across the keyboard of the genetics computer, bombarding the subject with mutations willy-nilly for a short time. I unlocked the pod and proudly invited my volunteer to step out and survey the changes.

"gently caress" screamed the black woman, falling to the ground and spasming madly, "What the gently caress did you do to me? PISS."

"Interesting," said The Devil, consulting his medical scanner. "It would appear that you are suffering from epilepsy and Tourette's Syndrome."

"COCK!" asserted the woman. "I'm going to loving kill you!"

This drew a frown. "That is not very polite, madam. I was enjoying our professional relationship, but if you are going to behave in this way, I must ask you to leave. I will simply have to find another assistant."

And that is why an insane homeless epileptic uncontrollably cursing naked black woman spent the rest of the round trying to convince anyone who'd listen that The Devil had stolen her identity.

My god, it's full of butt, part 1: the Cluwne factory

One of the round types in SS13 is Wizard, in which a powerful wizard is tasked with completing several objectives, while the crew must attempt to kill him. Wizards get access to a huge variety of spells, but can only choose four of them from the list at the start of the round; these are the spells they are limited to for the whole round.

One such spell is Curse of the Cluwne (at least, I think that's what it's called). This spell is generally considered a choice for "advanced" wizard players, since it has an extremely long cooldown, only targets one opponent, and can only be used at melee range, making it quite risky to use. It's still a popular spell, though, as it is far and away the griefiest spell of all. The Curse instantly transforms its victim into a Cluwne: a morbidly obese, subhuman, epileptic, brain-damaged, amazingly annoying ur-clown named "the cluwne" and wearing utterly hideous neon green clown clothing that is cursed and therefore cannot be removed. Cluwnes are traditionally marked for death by their non-cursed former comrades, and even when they manage to escape being murdered by an angry mob, they are so loving terrible at everything that their very existence is torment and they commonly wind up begging for death since their incredible incompetence can actually make it difficult for them to successfully commit suicide.

I have played in quite a few Wizard rounds, but one still sticks out as my absolute favourite. The wizard went on a Cluwney rampage that was funny as hell on its own, but the actions of one enterprising Roboticist turned the round from "hilarious" to "oh jesus my sides I'm dying over here" in no time flat. This ambitious soul retrieved a murdered Cluwne and dragged it back to his lab; ordinarily this would be a reason for the Cluwne to rejoice, since a Cluwne brain can still function perfectly normally if transferred into a cyborg, granting the player a new lease on life.

The Roboticist did not borg the Cluwne. He had other plans. Butt plans.

The deceased sad-clown was delivered to Genetics, where the Roboticist and a Geneticist entered into collusion. Now two people were in on the butt plans.

I have no idea what madness they got up to in there, but I do know that the second Roboticist was put on Butt Duty, bringing the known number of butt plan conspirators up to at least three. It is also likely that a delivery man was involved so as to speed the process along, as Butt Duty was a full-time job. All those butts had to come from somewhere, however:

They were cloning Cluwnes.

My god, it's full of butt, part 2: the buttening

The mastermind behind it all sat contentedly at his operating table and worked with astounding assembly-line efficiency. Behind him was a locker with a seemingly limitless number of twitching, honking, weeping Cluwnes stuffed into it; he would grab a Cluwneclone, slap it onto the table, neatly slice off its butt, indifferently cut out its brain, hurl the dead body and retarded brain down the disposal chute while he set the butt to one side, and repeat. The man on Butt Duty would then grab the Cluwne butt and slap a robot arm onto it, creating a Buttbot, a butt on wheels that served no purpose except to be a butt and say the word "butt."

The efficiency and hard work of the Butt Conspiracy paid off, and before long Medbay was entirely crammed with Buttbots, to the point where the entire area was rendered non-functional and impassable due to the surging ocean of little wheeled cyberbutts happily beeping "butt" in a tinny chorus. But(t) crowding was not the issue - Buttbots do one thing aside from simply say "butt" now and again. When a Buttbot hears someone speak, it has a chance to repeat what was said, with "butt" substituted in place of random words.

This became an issue when the Captain strolled into Medbay and was aghast at its sorry state. "What the gently caress is going on here?" he shouted.

The Buttbots chirped up in a gleeful, deafening chorus. "What the butt is butt on here?" "Butt the gently caress butt going on butt?" "What butt butt is going butt here?" and so on and so forth, in a disorienting wave of auditory butt. This infuriated the Captain further, but his hollering and order-giving only further excited the Buttbots, making it totally impossible for anyone nearby to hear what was said or get any idea of what the gently caress was going on amidst the titanic cacophony of butt. The Captain flew into a rage and decided to destroy all of the Buttbots, but he forgot that they leave smears of poo when destroyed; it was not long before he slipped head-over-heels and wound up prone and stunned in a puddle of human excrement, cursing relentlessly while the legion of Buttbots around him babbled back page upon page upon page of buttified imitation.

Seeing this, some jokester took a radio, turned on its microphone so that it would publicly broadcast anything it picked up, and tossed it into the room.

Well, poo poo, now nobody could hear anything. Every radio on the station became a hellish noise cannon, blasting out an incomprehensible wall of recursive butt laced with garbled cursing and butt-riddled mockeries of the crew's anguished cries for silence. At some point a bunch of the Buttbots came within hearing distance of the Cluwneclone closet; this is significant because Cluwnes will randomly and uncontrollably burst into fits of screamed honking. There were dozens of Cluwnes in that thing, and their eerie wails of HONK HONK HONK HONK HONK soon became a HONK HONK butt HONK butt blared forth from uncountable Buttbot speakers, received by the radio and broadcast throughout the station, magnifying upon itself until it was quite literally impossible to divine the slightest scrap of understanding from the game's text box as it was choked by dozens of pages of recursive buttspam per second. The Captain was helpless to stop it. The Roboticists were churning out Buttbots faster than he could destroy them, leaving him effectively stranded in the middle of the deafening, butt-packed hell that had once been Medbay.

I don't even know what the gently caress happened to that wizard, and I don't care. He was not the true villain of that round. The Robutticists were.

# ? Feb 12, 2019 02:38

RagnarokAngel: Oct 5, 2006; Black Magic Extraordinaire

Powerful Two-Hander posted:

I always laughed at some story that just had (as an aside) "I packed a thermos of hot soup and jumped out the airlock because having anything hot on you prevented freezing in space" or something because that's either incompetence or genius from whoever coded the thing.

SS13 is what happens when years of code (that was started by someone else) continues to build into a cronenberg monster.

# ? Feb 12, 2019 05:56

Ghost Leviathan: Mar 2, 2017; Exploration is ill-advised.

And it's based on a platform that was terrible when it was new.

# ? Feb 12, 2019 06:00

Siljmonster: Dec 16, 2005; by LITERALLY AN ADMIN

RagnarokAngel posted:

SS13 is what happens when years of code (that was started by someone else) continues to build into a cronenberg monster.

Don't call the Something Awful Forums "SS13"

# ? Feb 12, 2019 07:11

freeedr: Feb 21, 2005

People sometimes describe that game like it�s a basic text thing and other times in seemingly great visual detail. Does it have a GUI or not?

# ? Feb 12, 2019 15:34

Disgusting Coward: Feb 17, 2014

freeedr posted:

People sometimes describe that game like it�s a basic text thing and other times in seemingly great visual detail. Does it have a GUI or not?

It's got a really crude, tile based GUI.

Also most SS13 stories are absolutely stdh.txt

# ? Feb 12, 2019 15:44

Son of Thunderbeast: Sep 21, 2002

Disgusting Coward posted:

Also most SS13 stories are absolutely stdh.txt

# ? Feb 12, 2019 15:51

RCarr: Dec 24, 2007

Disgusting Coward posted:

It's got a really crude, tile based GUI.

Also most SS13 stories are absolutely stdh.txt

As someone who knows nothing about the game they all come off as extremely made up.

# ? Feb 12, 2019 15:55

Neddy Seagoon: Oct 12, 2012; "Hi Everybody!"

RCarr posted:

As someone who knows nothing about the game they all come off as extremely made up.

Oh no, that's the true beauty of SS13. That all happened. Those stories in-thread generally originate from around the time they actually happened, and there's often someone who can corroborate because they were in the same round. The game is just that nonsensical and broad in depth for potential chaos.

I personally once spent a round as a changeling (think The Thing) sneaking round the station and eating people completely undetected because a pair of Admins were driving Badmin Busses around the station. Anyone that got run over, got sucked into the bus and had to ride with the Admin until it crashed into something. People ran from those prowling the halls into Research for some safety, right into my waiting claws one-by-one.

And then the shuttle call came and things got worse. The evac shuttle (how the round ends) arrived, with a special surprise; A portal in the floor that sent people to Hell; a 9x9 tile room surrounded by instadeath lava tiles, with two Wendigo Kings, the toughest creature in the game, waiting to play with visitors. And in the shuttle came my changeling rear end, popping Shambling Horror form (big fleshy monster with insane health and knockout damage) to cause more chaos as the round was over anyway. I smashed a few people into walls, before some bright spark managed to knock me into the portal, hoping the Wendigo Kings would kill me. I killed them and ended the round ruling Hell, knocking fresh visitors into the lava .

# ? Feb 12, 2019 16:09

EorayMel: May 30, 2015; WE GET IT. YOU LOVE GUN JESUS. Toujours des fusils Bullpup Fran�ais.

piltdown posted:

There are free forums all over the internet, suckers

(USER WAS PUT ON PROBATION FOR THIS POST)

(USER WAS BANNED FOR THIS POST)

# ? Feb 12, 2019 16:14

RCarr: Dec 24, 2007

Neddy Seagoon posted:

Oh no, that's the true beauty of SS13. That all happened. Those stories in-thread generally originate from around the time they actually happened, and there's often someone who can corroborate because they were in the same round. The game is just that nonsensical and broad in depth for potential chaos.

I personally once spent a round as a changeling (think The Thing) sneaking round the station and eating people completely undetected because a pair of Admins were driving Badmin Busses around the station. Anyone that got run over, got sucked into the bus and had to ride with the Admin until it crashed into something. People ran from those prowling the halls into Research for some safety, right into my waiting claws one-by-one.

And then the shuttle call came and things got worse. The evac shuttle (how the round ends) arrived, with a special surprise; A portal in the floor that sent people to Hell; a 9x9 tile room surrounded by instadeath lava tiles, with two Wendigo Kings, the toughest creature in the game, waiting to play with visitors. And in the shuttle came my changeling rear end, popping Shambling Horror form (big fleshy monster with insane health and knockout damage) to cause more chaos as the round was over anyway. I smashed a few people into walls, before some bright spark managed to knock me into the portal, hoping the Wendigo Kings would kill me. I killed them and ended the round ruling Hell, knocking fresh visitors into the lava .

I guess I don't understand how all this crazy nonsense could be programmed into the game. Especially one that looks like it came on an early 90's floppy disk.

# ? Feb 12, 2019 16:16

VanSandman: Feb 16, 2011; SWAP.AVI EXCHANGER

RCarr posted:

As someone who knows nothing about the game they all come off as extremely made up.

Fair. However every single system described is still in the game, with the exception of poo, which was removed because every round would devolve into a shitsmeared frenzy.
All those systems were built over time, seriously a decade of development by fan-developers having an idea and implementing it, so the complexity of the game is ENORMOUS.

# ? Feb 12, 2019 16:20

Neddy Seagoon: Oct 12, 2012; "Hi Everybody!"

RCarr posted:

I guess I don't understand how all this crazy nonsense could be programmed into the game. Especially one that looks like it came on an early 90's floppy disk.

The game is layers upon layers upon layers of different people building their own brand of insanity code functions over the previous layers. Legend has it that it started out as a simple atmospheric simulator tool. The fundamental reason it can't be migrated into another platform that isn't badly coded is because you'd need a decade's worth of effort from sequential groups of people who each, and this is key, actively despise all previous groups and their work, to replicate SS13 as it exists now.

You can give people superpowers in Genetics. Or a wide range of debilitating disabilities (siezures, accents that dynamically edit your "spoken" dialogue text, blindness, deafness).

You can make about 100+ different chemicals and narcotics in Chemistry. Or the Bar. And people will happily take a glass filled with something made by the Bartended with a chemistry dispenser, knowing full-well that it will horribly harm or kill them. They expect it even.

Botany can grow plants that give synthetic plant butts. Synthbutts are highly prized by the robotics department, because they can be used to make Buttbots without crew "donations". They also have an entire system for splicing plant traits together, so you can make things like tomatoes that explode instead of splat on contact. A popular old tactic was to make a shitload and them cram them into the mailing system. Wherever they're delivered, BOOM.

# ? Feb 12, 2019 16:22

A Great Big Bee!: Mar 8, 2007; Grimey Drawer

RCarr posted:

I guess I don't understand how all this crazy nonsense could be programmed into the game. Especially one that looks like it came on an early 90's floppy disk.

Play it and find out!

# ? Feb 12, 2019 16:22

RCarr: Dec 24, 2007

LOCUST FART HELL posted:

Play it and find out!

Is all of this crazy stuff easy to figure out, or would I be hopelessly lost if I came in fresh?

# ? Feb 12, 2019 16:25

Guy Mann: Mar 28, 2016; by Lowtax

RCarr posted:

I guess I don't understand how all this crazy nonsense could be programmed into the game. Especially one that looks like it came on an early 90's floppy disk.

The super low fidelity is exactly why it's possible. If you've ever played or read about the original Nethack or a classic old-school MUD/MUCK then you know how a few simple systems of interaction and some flavor text are all it takes. Everything being filtered through the hyperbolic narration of the people who have burned hundreds of hours learning and subsequently breaking and abusing these systems for the explicit purpose of loving around in weird ways is absolutely also a part since these things live or die in the retelling.

In short:

# ? Feb 12, 2019 16:28

Son of Thunderbeast: Sep 21, 2002

Yeah the beauty is that SS13 sounds so insane it's impossible, but that's because all of the coding work has gone into systems that interact with each other in someone's ridiculous ways, and it's so freeform that anything can happen

One of my favorite things to do in early SS13 was to pick the Janitor, then spend the entire round whistling and mopping the escape shuttle hall. Back then the escape shuttle hall went left for 1.5 screens, then short a 90°bend up before continuing left.

After thoroughly mopping the section of the hall right before the bend, I'd grab an Ice 2 tank, mask, and toolbox, and start quietly removing the window/wall panels, removing any possible barrier to the hard vacuum beyond.

When the shuttle was called and the stampede of players came to try and escape, they would charge down the hall at a full run. If you run over a wet floor tile, you slip and fall and keep going for a bit. Every round I did this there would be a steady trickle of players slipping on my mopped floor and sliding gracefully into the void

I also loved to play the atmospheric technician, grab all the emergency O2 tanks I could find, purge the oxygen, replace it with superheated plasma, then put the emergency O2 back. poo poo goes down, everyone runs for oxygen, people's lungs start melting.

Good times

# ? Feb 12, 2019 16:29

Jeza: Feb 13, 2011; The cries of the dead are terrible indeed; you should try not to hear them.

The only SS13 story for me is the one where the guy goes out of control with a deep fat fryer and is able to deep fat fry the UI elements of other players and eat them. Can't find it right now, hope I'm not mis-remembering.

# ? Feb 12, 2019 16:29

Fleta Mcgurn: Oct 5, 2003; Porpoise noise continues.

Now I have to play SS13.

# ? Feb 12, 2019 16:34

Neddy Seagoon: Oct 12, 2012; "Hi Everybody!"

RCarr posted:

Is all of this crazy stuff easy to figure out, or would I be hopelessly lost if I came in fresh?

Just wander around and ask people, they'll generally be happy to show you how to not beat yourself to death with whatever you're holding at the time. The only real rule you need to hold to is not to kill people if you don't score an Antagonist role, and you can actively take yourself out of the running for one pre-round start if you're not ready for that*. There's also a wiki with basic gameplay instructions for the GoonStation servers here. The main SS13 thread is here.

*There is an exception to the "don't kill/cripple people" rule though; If you make them perfectly aware of what's about to happen, and they consent, it's all kosher. Caveat emptor is also applicable. If you make a lethal helldrink and put it on the bar, and someone decides to blindly pick it up, it's all on them. And they'll generally be doing it HOPING it'll do something spectacularly nasty to them.

Son of Thunderbeast posted:

I also loved to play the atmospheric technician, grab all the emergency O2 tanks I could find, purge the oxygen, replace it with superheated plasma, then put the emergency O2 back. poo poo goes down, everyone runs for oxygen, people's lungs start melting.

Good times

When the atmospheric injectors got re-added a few years back, I had an amazing run with a can of CO2 pumped into Medbay. People just couldn't figure out why everyone was falling over dead for no reason (I remember one guy saying something like "WHAT THE gently caress DISEASE CAUSED ME TO COUGH AND FALL OVER DEAD?!!"), and I will forever cherish watching a Doctor with a breath mask and airtank desperately trying to revive his friend, only to realize he had to take off his breath mask to give mouth-to-mouth resuscitation... :allears:

Also the key to a good Janitor is to place down the placard signs (Caution: Wet Floor) and *point *sigh at them any time someone slips on your nice wet floor.

# ? Feb 12, 2019 16:35

A Great Big Bee!: Mar 8, 2007; Grimey Drawer

RCarr posted:

Is all of this crazy stuff easy to figure out, or would I be hopelessly lost if I came in fresh?

Some crazy stuff is easy to find out, but you will almost certainly die in your first round in a stupid way. That's part of the charm though, there's always more to learn.

My favourite interaction in the game is that if you give a monkey a russian revolver then punch it, it will get so apoplecticly mad that it will shoot itself in the head right in front of you.

# ? Feb 12, 2019 16:35

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# ? May 31, 2024 09:59

TehRedWheelbarrow: Mar 16, 2011; Fan of Britches

RCarr posted:

Is all of this crazy stuff easy to figure out, or would I be hopelessly lost if I came in fresh?

try to enjoy killing yourself with the first object you try to interact with!

# ? Feb 12, 2019 16:46

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