ASoIaF: A Song of Ice and Fire: George Rail Road Martin

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Arbite: Nov 4, 2009

Because she won't have to worry about problematic heirs, right?

# ¿ Oct 15, 2011 13:40

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# ¿ May 9, 2024 01:38

Arbite: Nov 4, 2009

I don't doubt that this sort of thing could happen with Gurm, I just think he would have been explicit. He hasn't shied from talking about Varys or the Unsullied's lacking parts. If it is gone, either he thought that Theon had visibly suffered enough, or... oh my god, this is going to turn into an inspirationally handicapped story, isn't it?

# ¿ Oct 17, 2011 12:19

Arbite: Nov 4, 2009

Dan Hollis posted:

Has there been any indication that GRRM is willing to change the story considerably for the TV show?

Not yet, the only real changes are scenes with non-viewpoint characters.

# ¿ Apr 11, 2012 16:41

Arbite: Nov 4, 2009

I don't think it was covered extensively but I think Stannis took everything he had left to the north save for a token force at Dragonstone that gave Loras a bath.

# ¿ May 26, 2012 08:17

Arbite: Nov 4, 2009

Azure_Horizon posted:

No, you don't.

What can we say? You're starting to sag.

# ¿ Jul 28, 2012 11:31

Arbite: Nov 4, 2009

gently caress it, I'll take chapter 20. I'll have a preview in 48 hours.

# ¿ Aug 11, 2012 09:30

Arbite: Nov 4, 2009

Or have the whole chapter. Hope you like dream sequences, obsessive food descriptions, helpful recipes, Shakespearean beats, inside jokes, recurring jokes, tariff policy, references to WCW circa 1999, the clan, abrupt endings, overused ellipses, and so much more...

Brendan posted:

Chapter 20 - Brendan

They were in the meadow again.

�Oh Miri,� Brendan said as he gazed upon her, taking in her full intoxicating beauty �You can�t imagine how happy I feel being here with you, observing your face and eating these delicious pastries, it�s enough to make any man jubilant.�

�The best is yet to come my lord� she replied with a coy grin. �I have a surprise for you, the one I think you�ll find most enjoyable.� With that said she began to slowly, so slowly, so painfully slowly, undo the various findings that kept her outermost layers his to behold. As her much and more fastened clothing faded away, as more of her became visible he saw lumps. Not the two he had been hoping to see, of these were lumps of... lemony cakes? Meaty Pies? A delicious Korroke Pan Croquette that Sabarumushima-sama had once served during his voyage from the easternmost of lands, with just the right mixture of ground beef and pork, cooked to perfection in a stone oven with the lightest pinch of nutmeg to get the taste buds from the fore of the tongue to the aft of the throat singing in exultation... a myriad pastries spilled from the Miri robes as she unbuttoned.

�Miri, oh Miri, oh Miri me,� said Brenden as he breathlessly took in the sight, �let us...�

There was a sound like someone punching a tree.

�What? Who could interrupt us?� Another punch �and why now?�

Suddenly the tree was felled by another blow, and there was a loud �Hogor!�

Looking up from his sheets, he saw that the giant had knocked the damned door in!

On a whim, he stretched out his mind to the memories of those around him, seeking the cause of this disruption, and it began five minutes earlier...

�Deluce,� said the seneschal �Go fetch Hoger to wake our lord, for his sister, Ardi, who has come from the south bearing important news has arrived at the gate of our Autumn-Fall.�

�Here�s to awaking indeed! If a
man were awakened from hell-dreams, he might have
a wretch blasting the door.

Wake,
wake, wake! Who dares, i� in the name of
Elderest? Here�s a failure, who wrote
himself in the expectation of a praise: come to-
night, have wrappers strewn about you; here
you�ll read o�it.

Wake,
wake! Who dares in other wretch�s
name? My, here�s a fool of a joiner, he could
be making the plays against other plays;
who committed complaint enough for none�s sake,
yet could not arise himself to obstain: O, be
gone, foul unbalancer.

Wake,
Wake, wake! Who�s next? Fail, here�s a
powered soul, come hither, for stealing from our
Age�s great fun: come in, oh wrack; here you may
toss your Shadow.

Wake,
wake; never at peace! What are you? But
this place is too clean for home. You�ll never prosper
here much further. We had thought to have let out
some of all regressions that go the ploin-shape
way to everlasting cook-pyre.
Oh guest, oh guest, I pray you, remember the waker.�

Hoger appears, glistening from rolling through the dew.

�Ho-ger Ho-ger, Ho, Ho-ger ho-ger ho-ger,
Ho-ger Ho-ger Ho-ger?�

�Foul sir, we were neck-braiding with the
poor clothes: and threads, sir, are a great
decider of three things.�

�Ho-ger Ho-GER HO, Hogerhogerho, hoger?�

�Oh faith, sir, fun-causing, rage, and
making GBS threads. Naughtiness, sir, they bring forth, and take away;
it brings forth the power, but it un-
prevokes the fine response: therefore, a thread
may be called as like an equivocator with naughtiness:
it makes much, and it mars much; it eggs
him on, and it takes him off; it allays him,
and distresses him; makes him laugh much, and
not laugh much; in conclusion, makes equal with him
in a dream, and, giving illusion, fools him.�

�Ho HoGER Ho-ger ho-ger HO-gER ho-ger�

�That may be, sir, i� the very pen on
me: but I requested him this task; and, I
think, being too wise for him, though he took
up my choice this time, yet I made a poo poo to spite him.

�Ho-gor Hogor Hogor?� he questioned, as he picked up Deluce and began banging the man�s head against the door to Brendan�s room.

No response coming from either side, he banged him against the door again.

As he tossed Deluce out a several storey high window, he couldn�t help but muse:

�Ho-gor Ho-gor ho-Gor.�

Now to kick down the loosened door...

Snapping back to the present, Brendan said �But why, Hogor, why did you need to wake me right now?

�Hogor Ho Hogorho� Hogor explained.

�But I have to... deal with... affairs... here...� he trailed off.

Thinking fast, he said �Alright, well, I must greet her with all possible ceremony. Hogor, it is very important that she... chooses to... or rather readies herself to be brought before the household. The family name depends on it. Plus she must be exhausted from her journey, I�ll give her time to break her fast on our exquisite beef stew, cut from only the finest of our cattle, the most treasured potatoes, and the most carefully sliced of our ginger, this meal has been allowed to sit until a slight skin developed over-top of it and then rigorously stirred until stewed to the satisfaction of our master chef. You too can partake in that meal, Hogor, provided you explain everything to them in great detail. Repeatedly. See you later.�

�Ho-gor ho-gor Hogor Ho.� said Hogor, lifting the door behind him.

�Not soon enough,� Brendan sighed. It was going to be a long day of a great many hardships.

At the Break-Bad table

�oval office! More brew!� As the regular cries of an Autumn-Fall meal wound down, each of the diners was provided with a mix delectable drink made of two large basil leaves, cut into thin strips after having been carefully rolled, three spoons of rhubarb mixed with sugar and water, and mixed with the tartest, cheapest, more inexplicably popular form of alchohol that had inexplicably taken off across all of Westeros (despite any fool with a semblance of a ramshackle distillery can mix together in a fortnight while proper alchohol, carefully aged and mixed over the course of decades languished in popularity and had its prices driven up in the name of going �upmarket� only to take off again and become even further out of reach for the average serf who just wants a nice scotch at the end of the day and doesn�t want to have to worry about the fact that to get a proper 30 year old is now 300 dragon dollers on the low end and that�s if they manage to avoid paying the duties of the few locations that seem to carry them and nevermind the fact that Autumn-Fall has slapped a major tariff on all Alchoholic beverages in the name of the public health and also to pay for its wretched financial inefficiencies, only now they�re planning on keeping the tariff but selling off their exclusive to booze so that prices are bound to go even higher as various private interests decide that they want to make money on top of the government�s pre-existing cut forcing citizens to drive across the borderlands in order to save money and needing to lie to the guards about just what they are carrying in the back of their wagon or they�re like to get tariffed 200% of the cost of their purchase) to ease digestion.

Designated Reception Area

Brendan prepared to formally receive his sister in the designated reception area. It was nice. It had a big chair he sat upon.
Stepping over the corpse of Deluce, Ardi and Gennden entered the area began their introductions.

�It is most heartening to see you again brother, after all this time apart. I am most curious as to why you have had us proceed with such formality?

�Nothing. Shut up. Never mind. Good to see you too. Who�s he?� This was the fastest he had ever talked in front of her.

�This is Glen, bastard son of the true king, or somesuch, and also a good companion to have. On the road.� She finished.

�Lord Brendan, I...�

�Lord Brendan, I can�t believe you�re the first person to call me that. I wonder if I can get... oh please, continue.�

�Lord Brendan, I have been able to accompany your sister along this perilous journey so that we might be able to give you a warning regarding the urgency of our situation. Sarah and James have schemed a trap for your family, we must know within the day what exactly happened when your father and mine were killed.�

�Does Glenfiddich speak the truth, Ardi?� Asked Brendan.

�He does, brother, please, whatever can be done must be done now.� She looked at him with desperation.

�I see the situation is more desperate than my 13 year old mind could have imagined. I believe there is a way to find out the whole truth, to find out this very night, but it will take some preparation...�

Later that evening

�Preparations seem to be complete,� declared Brendan to the assembled crowd on the roof, �but let�s double-check the list:

Hogor?�

�Hogor.�

�The elder druids known as the No Limit Owls, led by Master E?�

�Hootie hoo!�

�Five prisoners sentenced to death?

�Owl is crap!�

�Shut up. Bedpost, with hanger heated on burning stove for half an hour?�

�Fucker, I think it�s about time they suffered.�

�Dresser and spiked bat?�

�It cleans out my sinuses.�

�Rusty screwdriver?�

�Tick tock and keep stabbin.�

�Alright, that seems to be everything we need. Master E, if you would please begin.�

�Brother,� said Ardi as the assembled men went to their posts �Why all this ceremony, I understood you could enter a person�s mind and see their memories already.�

�True,� he replied �but that was only a very short term memory. In order to recall something from so long ago, particularly such a traumatic and suppressed memory, I am going to require additional power. I have drawn ornate triangles on the roof already, and at each of the five points we are going to be draining the very essence of these prisoners to fuel my great dive into the darkest corners of Hogor�s mind. You may not want to watch this... torture.�

�Torture, motherfucker!� Said Jizzer one of the druids.

�Hootie Hoo!� replied the aged unclean fatherless.

�The ceremony is about to begin, it�s your last chance...� Down came the spiked bat. �Ooh, too late. I must begin. Hogor, with me.�

Amidst the cries of agony and many shouts of �Hootie Hoo,� Brendan and Hogor moved to the center of the many triangles.

Gesturing that Hogor should lie down on his stomach, Brendan grabbed the giant�s head and began to pore over his memories.

Power like he had never before felt coursed through him. The myriad memories of the giant�s lifetime were all around him.

�Knocking down my door, rolling through the dew... no, much further back.�

He reached deeper �Oh, he remembers that incident in the kitchens. Oh dear. What do Hogor�s dream of I wonder?� The mindscape suddenly became very red �Never mind! Now, back, back further...�

Brendan slowly opened his eyes, then ran towards the stairway leading down.

�Ardi, Hogor saw it all! Get Glengarry, we must ride tonight.�

�What did you see?� She replied �And what should we do with the... remains?�

�The Owls will...� he began.

�Hootie Hoo!� Came a chorus.

�Yes, they�ll deal with it. Now get the Monarch of the Glen and meet me at the stables!� He raced down the interior of Autumn-Fall and outside onto courtyard, not stopping until he burst into stables.

�Groomsman Paisano,� he shouted to the drunken heap, �one pony, two small horses and a destrier, now!�

Ardi and Gennden arrived just as the cavalry was being saddled, with Hogor close behind them.

�It was Sarah and James, they and their men killed our fathers! We must get to Emperor�s Crossing before it�s too late!� Brendan was running out of breath.

�Slow down, Brendan,� said Ardi, �What exactly did you see?�

�We must get moving,� he frantically replied �I�ll explain it on the road. Everyone, mount your horses... Hogor no! Oh, false alarm. We'll meet Miri along the way. Come on, Ardi, Genndy, Hogor, we ride!�

# ¿ Aug 13, 2012 10:30

Arbite: Nov 4, 2009

Smiling Jack posted:

is it out yet

We're working, dammit!

Shageletic posted:

Hahaha, this book will not make any sense. No sense at all. Those who try will only fall into madness.

EDIT: Which I like Arbite, good job by the way. So is that it? Let's wrap up this puppy and get our millions already. I've got Ukrainian mobsters hounding me over my debts over here.

Thanks, man. We should probably wait until all the chapters are in before talking turkey. With gravy, and a perfect scoop of mashed potatoes and the finest of stuffing and and

# ¿ Aug 14, 2012 08:13

Arbite: Nov 4, 2009

Azure_Horizon posted:

Speaking of actually lovely series, anyone else got a Game of Bones chapter done yet

I've done mine. Come on, people, let's get us some of that internet money!

# ¿ Aug 15, 2012 06:35

Arbite: Nov 4, 2009

Any chance we could get an update on our books progress? The chapter summation hasn't been updated since before I took chapter 20.

# ¿ Aug 17, 2012 07:35

Arbite: Nov 4, 2009

The Mutato posted:

Oh god here is my chapter. I had to get incredibly drunk to do that bit at the end, why couldn't I choose a BDSM chapter like normal people.

Dude, what the gently caress? Where was the overlong 'tribute' to Shakespeare? Where was the satanic imagery? Where were the Wu-Tang Clan references? Where was the WCW?! That poo poo's the loving draw. That's where the loving money is.

Do you get what the gently caress we're trying to do here? Do you?! If I was your editor I'd slap you in the face with a poo poo-Dick Dildo�! Now sober up and get back to work. gently caress!

# ¿ Aug 21, 2012 12:09

Arbite: Nov 4, 2009

And on that note... is it about time for chapters to be re-distributed? Time is internet money, people. We need to get this out soon, before sex stops selling. Maybe we'll always be wretched, but at least we can be enriched.

# ¿ Aug 30, 2012 07:10

Arbite: Nov 4, 2009

Well, I'll give Geeves 24 hours or I'll start writing Chapter 5.

While I'm waiting, do you think I should include:

A) A song and dance number?

B) More Shakespearean beats?

C) A Downton Abbey parody?

D) Comical misinterpretations?

E) The 36 chambers?

F) All of the above?

Lines are open, vote now!

# ¿ Sep 5, 2012 21:50

Arbite: Nov 4, 2009

Look, I'm not the rear end in a top hat who wrote him to be 13. I can have him decapitate a peasant and force the widow to drink the stump blood, but sex et al. is off limits.

# ¿ Sep 6, 2012 07:12

Arbite: Nov 4, 2009

whowhatwhere posted:

We're not unamenable to compromise. How about if he has her fellate the bleeding stump?

What part of et al. was vague?

# ¿ Sep 6, 2012 08:38

Arbite: Nov 4, 2009

whowhatwhere posted:

All of it. Please specify every single thing that is off limits

making GBS threads, pissing, loving, cuntbusting, cocksuckering, motherfuckering, and titsitilation.

et al.

*Edit* Also, you should have said al. of it, but puns like that are why you're you and I'm about to be twice as internet rich as I was going to be before.

Arbite fucked around with this message at 10:05 on Sep 6, 2012

# ¿ Sep 6, 2012 10:02

Arbite: Nov 4, 2009

Arbite posted:

Well, I'll give Geeves 24 hours or I'll start writing Chapter 5.

Going going gone. I'll have something up at some point, but first, dinner.

# ¿ Sep 7, 2012 01:46

Arbite: Nov 4, 2009

thornghost posted:

Done and uploaded to the Google Doc! I've updated the original post.

I've done double duty now. Who else will step up to the plate and claim an unfinished chapter?

I've already said I'd take Brandon's first and I'm a quarter done, I might take his second if there's no progress by the time I'm done.

syscall girl posted:

SaviourX has claimed my orphan chapter and frankly if they've made good progress yet they can have it. If not I'll do it up post haste.

Why not race?

# ¿ Sep 18, 2012 22:28

Arbite: Nov 4, 2009

The thing we totally should do is hoard all these gifs and have one guy do like fifty of them in one post the second the episode ends. Imagine it... :allears:

# ¿ Sep 21, 2012 07:46

Arbite: Nov 4, 2009

I'm halfway done with chapter five, and I'm going to finish this sucker by the end of tomorrow. Goddamn, it can be hard to transcribe what Mike Tenay was saying.

# ¿ Sep 27, 2012 11:37

Arbite: Nov 4, 2009

I'm 3/4's done with my latest. I've got the first half and the ending done, I just need the right recipe for the big meet.

# ¿ Sep 28, 2012 14:19

Arbite: Nov 4, 2009

thornghost posted:

Fixed it. There's your recipe right there.

Blade_of_tyshalle posted:

Perhaps you've heard of anal fisting, Arbite. But what about anal fisting with a roasted glazed lamb shank, followed by a delicious rear end-to-mouth?

Goddamn it people, I'm not the one who decided they should be 13 and 15. I'm transcribing WCW commentary in lieu of tits because otherwise we're all going get arrested instead of rich. These are the palate cleansing/afterglow chapters. Here, have some Major Gunns and come back when you've calmed down.

# ¿ Sep 28, 2012 17:03

Arbite: Nov 4, 2009

I've done it! Clyde is dead.

Chapter 5: Brendan posted:

�He�s coming alive!� yelled the Learned, �I�ve seen this before, we all have!�

�Oh he runs over Hogor!� declared Schemealonee �And again.�

�Hogor�s hurt.�

�Bitchoff is close at hand�

�At least the Wildling has someone out here on his side in Horse-Face� informed Tenaybrous, the most knowing of all.

�Bitchoff�s grabbed the referee, Horse-Face has come in the ring and... *clank* HORSE-FACE HIT THE WILDLING IN THE BACK OF THE HEAD!�

�Why?!� Asked Tenaybrous.

�Why?� Asked the Learned.

�One... Hogor, he wins the match.�

�Here is your winner, Hollow-wood Hogor!� Exulted Penzeris.

�Hogor wiped out this young man five days ago... six days ago, and then he just comes in, and he just clocks him, and he clocks the Wilding and helps his uncle win the match. Learned, you�re right. Hogor... blood is thicker than water...�

�That�s gotta be it.�

�Ho gor Ho gor.�

�You passed the test, now what the heck do you call him now?�

�That�s what Hogor just said to him�

�He put eleven stitches into Horse-Face a couple days ago,�

�Yeah, there it is right there�

�He looks like a zipper.�

�What�s he doing now?�

�Wait...�

�Is that, is that flame fluid?�

�Yes it is!�

�Well, executing wildings who came over the fence by decapitation was judged to be too dull by our new lord, so it�s now immolation after trial by combat.�

�And here comes lord Brendan with the torch and... the wildling is burning, he�s the immolate wildling�

�Lord Brendan,� said the arenaside interviewer, �what do you have to say for yourself?�

Smiling at the audience, Brendan bellowed: �In the name of King Jeffrey and in fulfillment of my position as lord of the north, I hereby consign this wretch to death. May he find the peace he was looking for here... well, elsewhere.�

Silence and blank expressions greeted this pronouncement.

�Uh, it�s a shoot, brother,� he said, and then everyone stood up and clapped.

�And that was the end of the wildling.� Said Bitchoff, �Nobody ever said there had to be a happy ending.�

�Yes, I remember, I was there,� said Brendan, �Although having Hollow-wood and his guys win over and over seems to get a little old.�

�What do you know about storytelling? Just you watch, in another four years it�ll still be going,� declared Bitchoff.

�Maybe so� said Brendan. �Either way, they need to redo the audio in the amphitheatre, it was very difficult to tell what the announcers were saying over the crowd, the music and other noises.�

�That�s a small problem,� declared Bitchoff.

�If you say so,� said Brendan. �Can I go to sleep now?�

�Fine, but don�t forget to summon the herald of the Wildling Championship Wildfires hotline, he�ll be wearing the mean jeans and run all sorts of jokes into the ground.�

�Get out!�

The next day, Brendan awoke to hear fine news.

�Truly� he said with astonished joy, �She�s going to be coming here?�

�Yes, young master� Said seneschal Samumu. �Miri should be here within a fortnight.�

�Fantastic! Hey, do you know why it�s always night at the fort?�

�I do not, young mast...�

Samumu the seneschal was hit in the face by projectile rubber chicken.

�Yolo! Now get out of my room. By the seventeenish, why do we even have a reception area?�

The days, which had passed so quickly once his mother and sisters left him in peace, suddenly slowed to a crawl with the prospect of his old friend returning.

He had not seen Miri, the daughter of one of his father�s oldest vassals, for three years. The two of them had been fast friends growing up, and the opportunity to see her again was one that he relished.

He passed the time by reliving their many experiences together. Whether it was dealing with the 99 problems of being heir to a significant tract of land, hiding in the 36 chambers that made up the dungeon, and climbing the 50 centuries old tree near Autumn-Fall, they had enjoyed adventuring together. Now, with his dear friend only one day away he could scarcely contain his eagerness.

Brendan lay awake pondering what they could do together now. With his father�s death he was now lord of a large realm, though he was supposed to be watched over by a regent that was yet to be appointed. For the time he could do anything that he wanted. That was actually a good point.

�You can do anything you want, call yourself anything you want,� he reflected �so long as nothing stops you.�

Musing further �I am lord of this land not by divine right but because people obey me. I could declare myself lord of another land as well, and just kill as those who say otherwise. I can call myself the true king as long as I rid myself of the old one and his supporters. I can declare myself master of the Earth and impose such rule by force, all I would need to do is stop those who would stop me. Hah, I could even declare myself an immortal god-emperor, and I need only never die.�

Perhaps he needed to give these matters more thought. He was young, five years from being able to rule his demesne in his own right and the world was in a state of turmoil. He could be a hero in chaos, instead of just a competent lord in a time of peace. If he did not try and take advantage of this time of turmoil then he would be committing the greatest betrayal of all: betrayal of self.

Late night musings were always trouble, but what else was there in life for a clever boy of thirteen to fill the time? He was bored with WCW, had explored every stone in Autumn-Fall many times over, and was not involved in the day-to-day running of the realm that was his in name. Even the return of Miri, he thought with cold realization, would at best provide a momentary distraction. A few days, perhaps a week, and they would be all caught up and have nothing left to say to one another. He could not ask his father what he was supposed to do with the land or himself, there was supposed to be so much time for the two of them and now...

All he had left was his power, his mind, and the ambition take the world, chico, and everything in it. On that coldly comforting thought, he finally fell asleep.

The next day, having broken his fast at the Break Bad table with a feast of cuntry bread, and other puns, he went into the reception area to await the return of his friend.

�Ah well, it�ll still be nice to see her again. Who knows, maybe she will have some fun activities in mind.�

�My lord,� announced the herald, de Nimes, �May I present the Lady Miri, heir to the Bog and Marshes.

A smile appeared on his face as the great doors were opened, but his expression turned into a wide eyed gape as walking slowly through the arch was a not just a girl, but an angelic vision. Her hair was shoulder length and the colour of dark grapes, while her eyes had the deep colour of chocolate and peanut butter. Her complexion had the fair texture of White Scar mixed with Fenrisian Grey and she had full lips with a Mournfang Brown tinge. She wore a simple traveling robe the colour of the lid of this o j jug I�m looking at, and her shoes were red. I�m loving colour-blind, what do you want?

She was perhaps six inches taller than he was, and she strode with a relaxed poise that he could only hope to imitate. An easy smile was on her lips and he was still at a complete loss when she opened them and said:

�Brendan, it is so good to see you again.� Her voice was of lacquered honey. Wait, can you lacquer honey? Just a sec... No, no you can�t. You really can�t. gently caress, that�s a mess. Uh.. liquered honey? Warm! She said with a warm voice. �It�s been... four years?�

He was so transfixed he didn�t even notice she got the dates wrong. He normally hated it when that happened. Now he didn�t know what he felt.

�Brendan?� She asked, �Are you alright? I know that it has been a... oh, how foolish of me.�

She got down on one knee and cast her gaze downards, �Lord Brendan, I beg your forgiveness for my failing to use due protocol, such words are now beneath your station and great dignity. Please, I meant no offense.�

Her shift in tone and posture jolted him out of his state, and he said to the guards and surrounding courtiers �Leave us.�

Once they had all filed out of the room, he stood up from the comfy chair and walked quickly towards her, though he avoided looking directly at her.

�Get up, get up, please, Miri, my seventeenish gods it is good to see you again.� This all came out in a babbling flurry.

He continued �How have you been, what have you been doing, does this robe look good on me how is your father are the marshes still swampy are your...�

�Brendan, please, calm down,� she interrupted in a soothing voice �I�m well, I�ve been loafing about, it looks fine, he�s dead and my uncle rules with an iron fist, and we drained it so it�s more of a bog these days.�

�Oh good, I always preferred those.� He resumed his hurried pace �So what are your...�

�Brendan, I am looking forward to catching up with you in full, but there�s a reason why I haven�t changed out of traveling clothes. I�m about to leave again.�

She stopped when she saw his incredulous expression and smiled, �...and I would like you to meet me outside the walls tonight. There�s a clearing in the forest, path the twentieth tree and near the merry troupe with the deviant bear. I... have something very important that I need you for.�

He had no idea how to respond to this, nothing he had read or been told had prepared him for dealing with such a circumstance. All he managed was to nod dumbly, and when she excused herself from the room he went back to his chair. His courtiers filed back in and the room was silent.

Unable to use his head clearly, he said thought aloud �What should I do?�

Bitchoff quickly responded �Hire the north�s best hitman for millions of dragon dollars and then do nothing with and keep all the focus on Hogor.�

�Hogor!� chimed in Hogor, who dramatically cupped his ear while the court continued its daily merriment, oblivious to Brendan�s state.

Brendan still found it difficult to concentrate that night as he exited his chamber window and began slowly climbing down the tower towards the grounds. It was pitch black and he knew should only be focusing the climb, but he couldn�t stop thinking about what awaited him at his destination. That was why he had done so much climbing these past weeks, it took so much focus that he couldn�t think about anything else, he couldn�t think about his father or... suddenly, his foot slipped.

Hanging on only by virtue of a slight groove in his hand hold, he watched the loosened rock plummet to the ground, surely to cause a great noise and alert everyone when it hit. Down, down, down it plummeted sure to cause a great crash... and then there was a squelch and a quiet metallic clatter. It had hit one of the guards instead! Thanking the seventeenish and making a mental note to restock on peasants, he continued the descent. This was a great turn, now the route would be less patrolled.

He reached the ground and was able to clear the outer wall in less than a minute. All he needed to do was head into the forest and meet her for... something. He wasn�t sure what it would be but his head told him it was all important. He had to see her.

After getting lost in the pitch dark forest for several hours and having adventures with a merry troupe, a dancing bear, and it�s angry lover, he at last found himself in the designated clearing.

Thinking of the bear�s lover, he mused �She wasn�t very fair at all, but all that�s all immaterial because I�m here and...� the clearing was empty �I�m alone. Forever.�

This had been a cruel joke, hadn�t it? Everything had been a sick joke since his father�s death. His family had left him in this frozen hellhole to rot, the kingdom was going to pot, the whole world was a sick joke and all that there was left was to burn it all and make sure nobody need suffer like this again because... why were all the branches rustling if there was no wind?

Every tree in the clearing was shaking back and forth but not a blade of grass quivered. The sky was also growing light, not from the east where the sun should be rising, but right above him. The light was getting brighter and brighter, and he had to look at the ground and shield his eyes to block out its blinding rays.

He was just about to start running back into the forest when the light became a single point that suddenly raced towards the ground. As it hit, Brendan was thrown back by a tremendous force and was nearly knocked unconscious.

As the stars faded from his eyes, he saw two creatures of great and yet different beauty. The larger of the two was perhaps as tall as Hogor but very slender, standing with an ethereal grace and looking down at him with cold eyes, short hair and misshapen ears. The other was Miri.

�Brendan,� she said as she rushed towards his prone figure and cradling him in her arms, �I was so worried you weren�t coming.�

�I wasn�t expecting such a climactic entrance. Or a group,� suddenly he regained his wits he blurted �What is he?�

�He is...� Miri began, but she was cut off by an steady, oaken voice.

�If I could be serious for a minute... I am the keeper of the three titles, the lance of the storm, and hailer of Cal Gerroth, Albersa, Kanata. You are wise to ask what and not who, young lord. I am an elder.

It wasn't the fall, it was cerebral hemorrhage killed the beast. Poor thing.

# ¿ Sep 30, 2012 00:16

Arbite: Nov 4, 2009

Well, with with chapters 5 and 20 out of the way, I think I'll keep what I got going and grab chapter 10 unless Badly Jester gainsays me in the next 24 hours.

# ¿ Sep 30, 2012 17:21

Arbite: Nov 4, 2009

thornghost posted:

Okay, got you listed in the post now.

Also, Arbite, was that post on the last page your submission for Chapter 5? Just making sure.

Yup.

# ¿ Oct 4, 2012 06:47

Arbite: Nov 4, 2009

So, I just finished the 'sex' scene, with Hogor's cousin serving as the bard. I should be done in the next two or three days.

# ¿ Oct 10, 2012 06:48

Arbite: Nov 4, 2009

My third chapter is half-way done and now features a performance by Sammy, Hogor's cousin. A charming, coming of age story for all probable demographics.

# ¿ Oct 24, 2012 08:20

Arbite: Nov 4, 2009

Alright dammit, I clearly need some inspiration to finish my third monsterpiece, so...

If I have not posted chapter ten (The other Brendan) in this thread within 48 hours I will give half of my earnings from this project to charity.

Done and dusted.

Arbite fucked around with this message at 19:12 on Oct 31, 2012

# ¿ Oct 30, 2012 04:11

Arbite: Nov 4, 2009

Three for three! It took a chapter longer than I hoped it would but I got both the DA parody and the song in. Enjoy...

Chapter 10 posted:

As the dawn�s light streamed through the windows of the servant�s quarter in Autumn-Fall, breakfast was being served.

�All rise. Breakfast #K1S 4K2, the Servants vs Mrs. Patdown�s latest monstrosity, the honourable Seneschal Carleton Samumu presiding.�

�Thank you Mrs. Huge,� said Carleton as he took his seat. �Is there any news on what has been going on upstairs since the arrival of that... interloper?�

�I�m sure I don�t know,� replied Mrs. Huge, as she took her seat with a thud and a grunt. �Our young lord seemed so close to being on the right track and ever since that girl�s come back, well, now his heads all a flutter.�

�I believe he was referring to the alien,� Said Burrower, tucking in his pink... handkerchief in a sinister manner? gently caress, I dunno, he�s gay, evil, and a loser. Not that there�s anything wrong with one of those.

�That�s not very nice thing to say, considering he�s our guest,� said Hannah Smiff �It�s not our place to criticize or judge others when the heavens can deal with it perfectly well in their own... Oh dammit, Daffodil, you inbred sheeps-daughter, just spilled the porridge on his lord�s repaired coat.�

�It�s not a stain, it�s a feature,� suggested Carleton. �By the way Hannah, is there any word on when Master Bates might be getting out of the dungeon?�

�He�s been down there shanking prisoners all night. Bless him, but I wish he was in bed more.� She sighed.

�I�m fine with blood-sport and people indulging in their hobbies but not when there is work to be done,� declared the seneschal. �If we are to survive the barbarians not just at the gates but within our halls we must ensure that standards are adhered.�

There was a loud thud upstairs and the scenery shook.

�Ooh, ever since that fellow from beyond the veil arrived things have been going a bit odd,� sighed Mrs. Huge, �but if our little lord insists upon him being welcome we must do as we�re told. It�s not our place to consider the goings on above us.�

There was another thud and the rock above them became loose, with one of them falling on Burrower and probably killing him.

�I suppose that�s enough breakfast,� mused Carleton, as he rose from his chair with the staff following. �Everyone to their places, please.�

Brendan snapped back into the here and now with barely a start. Now even when he daydreamed he could see through the eyes of others, although never when he was trying to focus on it.

�The art of scrying is not a craft, not an instinct, and certainly not an art,� declared the Elder. �It�s just there, and if you don�t get it at once you never will.�

�This is great,� thought Brendan as he shuffled his hands and relaxed.

He was seated in the designated meeting room at a hastily rearranged dining table along with Miri, facing the Elder who was lecturing and pointing at a vertical table that had unknowable scrawlings written upon it.

�If there is one thing to remember it�s that once you do this you�ll wish you never had, and you will feel compelled to do it over and over again.�

�Fascinating.� He mused.

�I will be scrying your brains regularly to monitor your �progress,� the Elder went on. �And I will also do it to punish infractions:

Talking out of turn... that�s a scrying.

Looking at the doorway... that�s a scrying.

Staring at my feet... that�s a scrying.

Successfully scrying yourself... oh, you better believe that�s a scrying.�

�Wonderful.�

�Also, I shall be desecrating your father�s remains and usurping your realm, plunging all of mankind into an aeon of darkness.�

�I can�t believe she�s sitting right next to me. And she�s smiling, no, bursting into laughter oww.� His head was suddenly compelled into the table with great force.

�Not paying attention... that�s a scrying.�

�Oww,� He spared another glance at Miri, �still smiling. I�m still cool.�

Miri raised her hand �Could you tell him scrying is, exactly? You�ve been talking for four hours and haven�t quite gotten around to saying that.

�Scrying� the Elder began �is being able to see. When you see, you may know. When you know, you gain power. When you have power, you may compel. By scrying, I saw how to compel his head into the desk with a thought and a gesture.�

�So... it�s magic?� She asked.

�Yes, and the more simpleminded the object of your attempts is, the better.�

�So we are both going to become magicians?�

He turned to her angrily and declared �A vulgar term! When�s the last time you heard one capable of actual magic called a magician? Call yourself a Magus, a mage, a wizzard, a sorcerer, or just lucky, but don�t lower yourself to such a level. Let others demean you, they do a better job.

�I see,� she said, taken aback.

�I could stare at her face for hours� thought Brendan, his head still on the desk.

�And no, not both of you. You�re a woman, you have no power!�

�Aww. That�s true.� She sighed, her whole body seeming to shimmer and shrink as she looked down at the table.

�Such a woman.� He reflected.

�Hah, just joking. We�re very droll oop north. You�re also here to distract him from my mistakes and provide moral support. Now, have you ever wondered why physical education class or any sports you�ve signed up for starts its session with you running a lap or three?

�Not really,� she confessed

�Mmn running around� Brendan thought.

�It�s because when you�re tired you�re less likely to put up any resistance to their suggestions or get up to mischief.�

�Ah, that clears it up.� She said with an insincere smile.

�Well, that�s my plan for the both of you. I�m wearing down your resistance with a tired lecture when the whole thing could be taught in about seven minutes. Now that I bring it up, though, perhaps a few laps around the castle wouldn�t hurt. Yes, five laps around Autumn-Fall, both of you.�

�Uh,� said Brendon, piping up at last �Can I just sit here for a few more minutes?�

�Fine. Miri, he�ll meet you in five minutes outside. Find something warmer and go get changed.� He glanced at Brendan�s reddening face, �Better make it ten minutes.�

Ten minutes later, wearing his surprisingly good looking and light fur coat he strode out of the main gate.

He approached Miri as she was finishing her warm up stretches and, trying and failing to keep his gaze level, commented �You�re quite right, a real fur coat puts the artificial ones to shame.�

�I know,� she replied, �isn�t it so much better? The fake ones don�t keep the cold out, or the rain off, and they never have that fresh cut smell.�

�Too true,� he said, almost zoning out again.

�Well, he said we had to go around the walls five times but didn�t say how long we could take.� She smiled at him, �I still feel like we haven�t caught up. What do you say we keep our pace low and chat?�

Brendan was sure he could have climbed five Autumn-Falls in winter or summer and not broken a sweat, but had no confidence in his running.

�That sounds great Miri,� he smiled in return. �I... don�t feel like I got the whole picture of what�s going on at the swamp.�

�Well, let�s get started,� she said and took off.

�And that�s why I had to flee under cover of night,� she concluded, coming to a stop in front of the gate.

�Fascinating,� he panted, using all of his will-power not to throw up. �I never... thought fires... could burn that way.�

She turned and began striding towards the gate, and he hastened to follow.

�Do you suppose we�re worn down enough for him?� She lightly asked.

�Four laps, he said� replied Brendan. �I�d rather be in a condition to listen to him.�

�Hmm. It�s really quite simple, you know. There are myriad degrees with which you can measure scrying but the simplest way to manage it is to consider the level of power needed to scry a recent memory from a normal man is 55.�

�I can�t scry 55. Not consciously, anyway. I can get a view of ongoing events at a short distance, but forcing a mind open is a very hard thing. And the Elder said if we don�t get it right now we may as well give up.�

�He�s said a lot of things since he started that fire.� She turned and faced him, and he immediately looked at the walls. �Brendan, perhaps you could start practicing on a more simpleminded target, like an elk or a chicken? It would also be something of a sensory experience, you don�t just see or control of their actions you feel them. It would be fascinating to hear about that.�

�You... you�d like that?

�Oh yes, to hear about those ventures would be riveting. I�m more skilled with the conceptual than the practical.�

�What?�

�I�m good at the book bit, just not the doing. Well, that and pyromancy.�

Still avoiding her gaze, Brendan declared �I�ll give it a try, Miri. Truly I will.�

Later that evening, Brendan walked into the Designated Meeting Room looking ashen.

Noticing this, the Elder asked �So what happened to you?�

�Master, that is a very long and well thought out story. It all began when I was sitting at my desk in my room and trying to scry on lesser targets. Rather than explain what happened next to you, I brought in Hogor�s cousin to spell it out.�

�A song and dance number?� The Elder piqued an incredulous eye.

�There�s no dancing.� Dancing was for entertainers who needed more style than substance. Putting on a show based on style because they need that to be the draw when their music isn�t enough. Used to be a giant undead monster showing up was enough, but now crowds want a dance of the Riverlands along with their popular music. Bastards.

Sami began:

��Oh, this work is going bad, it�s just going bad. It�s so rough into the mind and... what�d you do Hollow-wood?�

�Hogor hogor ho-gor ho�

�Oh, there�s no difference. Hey, look out maid, hey get out of here I�m scrying this whole.�

�What? Oh hey, no!�

�I�m in, I�m seeing this.�

One hand on the pen and one on the ink, hey!
Well, there's too much paper, I can't write, none!
I�m too tried to work fullhearted through,
A big pale and white come and crushed my work again!

Write my works till I�m fortified
Roast this mace, beat them while they�re alive
Poet�s license n' all that jive
I can't scry 55! Oh Yes! Huh!

So I jumped my brain on my man Hogor, hey!
Yeah the maid said, "Man, just one mo�
I'm gonna shove my rear end in your big ol� joint"
Looked me in the eye, said, "You get my point?"
I said "HO!,� Oh yea!

Write my works till I�m mortified
Boast this pace, treat them while they�re might try,
Poet�s license n' all that jive
I can't scry 55! Oh Yes!!

I can't scry 55!!
I can't scry 55!!
I can't scry 55!!
I can't scry 55!!
Uh!

SOLO!

When I plowed it slow, you know it's such a feel.
And I can't get this thing for a second steal.
What used to take two hours now takes all day.
Huh - It took me 16 hours to get her to say!

Tell my works while I rock and jive.
Roast this mace, beat them while they�re alive
Poet�s license n' all that jive
I can't scry 55!

No, no, no, I can't scry...
I can't scry...
I can't scry 55!�

�Thank you Sami. You didn�t need to yell solo, though, it was enough to perform it.� Turning expectantly to the Elder he finished �And that�s what happened.�

�Hmm. I�m not sure what the laws are regarding such experiences when vicarious, but I�m going to erase your memory just to be on the safe side.� Storm readied his arms at the panicking boy.

�Wait, what? No don�t!� Brendan began to back up in fear. He couldn�t afford to lose this experience if he was going to learn about what made the world work.

�Oh that�s right.� Storm relaxed, and so did Brendan. Then he lunged at the boy.

�I need to knock you out first. Prepare for the Deep Impact.�
Brendan gasped.

�No, no no,� he clarified, �It�s a piledriver.�

After picking Brendan up and piledriving his head onto the floor, the Elder grabbed his skull and began to scry through his mind, wiping the potentially incriminating memories.

When next he awoke to the dawns light streaming through his windows, Brendan couldn�t quite remember the latter half of the day but felt a wellspring of confidence that had not been there before.

Sorry Red Cross, you're going to have to make due with my preexisting donations.

# ¿ Oct 31, 2012 19:10

Arbite: Nov 4, 2009

Notes to the editor(s)

As I said before, I always treated the Brendan chapters as the afterglow/refraction chapters, hence the WCW, British telly, song, and so on. The chapter summation makes it basically the awakening of a young man and woman aged 13 and 15, so there was no way in hell I could be explicit with the two of them. The exception to this was in the last chapter, but I wrote the kid being several floors away from the action so I consider it akin to Bart Simpson walking in on his parents having sex and saying his first words.

Also, imagine the marketing: Not into such... novels? How about rock music, British television parodies, wrestling in the 90s, and so much more?!

# ¿ Nov 1, 2012 07:04

Arbite: Nov 4, 2009

Whatever sells.

# ¿ Nov 1, 2012 22:55

Arbite: Nov 4, 2009

thornghost posted:

Here's what's left:

Chapter 5 � Brendan (geeves)

Uh, I finished Chapter 5 weeks ago.

# ¿ Nov 2, 2012 19:49

Arbite: Nov 4, 2009

Oh god, Sam's likely to be a POV character next novel. We're getting a new kid in school arc aren't we?

# ¿ Nov 5, 2012 10:09

Arbite: Nov 4, 2009

Dammit people, all this is distracting us from finishing the four chapters left before we make it rich. Rich I tell you! I've done three, you can't finish one?

Nobody's saying it needs sensible, pleasant, or readable, just give us 2000+ words. If all else fails we'll change the first letter of each sentence to say something dumb and call it art.

# ¿ Nov 8, 2012 08:07

Arbite: Nov 4, 2009

Or take a previous chapter and run it through Google translate to Japanese and then Latin.

# ¿ Nov 8, 2012 11:27

Arbite: Nov 4, 2009

Contra Calculus posted:

Tell you guys what, I have a free day most of the day. Just tell me what I'm writing and I'll vomit out a chapter for our beloved masterpiece.

Why don't you take Chapter 6, 18, or 22, since SaviorX seems to have bitten off more than he can shart?

# ¿ Nov 8, 2012 19:13

Arbite: Nov 4, 2009

Contra Calculus posted:

Okay, because I don't want to break poo poo here, would someone kindly email me what has been written so far at contralculus@gmail.com and/or PM me? That way, my chapter will have some sense of cohesion?

Just go off of this.

thornghost posted:

Chapter 18 � Sensa (SaviourX)

The Pound and Sensa are meeting in her room, but the Pound has yet to discover a new technique for her. For some reason he recounts some story from Jeffrey and his childhood where they were always fighting, but only because they were so close. The story in some way includes the eunuch Contralculus, who was supposed to do something really neat but dropped the ball at the last second. He leaves and Sensa goes to see how her mother is doing. Kate is upset about her inability to get the southern lords to get along and Sensa tells her about how Sender and Jeffrey used to fight because they liked each other so much. Kate seems to have an epiphany and sends Sensa off.

# ¿ Nov 8, 2012 21:42

Arbite: Nov 4, 2009

Contra Calculus posted:

That's what I was doing. I would like some context for double-goatse though.

All we know is it doesn't work right yet. Just have a failed reaction shot. Imagine the "You lose" sound from the price is right. It's supposed to work during the big finale chapter.

# ¿ Nov 9, 2012 01:12

Arbite: Nov 4, 2009

my cat is norris posted:

Excerpts...

Chapter One:

THE LADIES' KISS:

Whiskey Rant?:

You're hired, you're hired! Hell, this is a revenue stream we hadn't considered, an incredulous narrator for the audiobook. Bonus content for completionists.

# ¿ Nov 9, 2012 05:51

Adbot: ADBOT LOVES YOU

# ¿ May 9, 2024 01:38

Arbite: Nov 4, 2009

"The Game of Bones"

# ¿ Nov 9, 2012 06:07

The Something Awful Forums > The Finer Arts > The Book Barn > ASoIaF: A Song of Ice and Fire: George Rail Road Martin

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