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My liberty party somewhere (possibly Florida) gets tangled up with a group of our cooks, which allows me to observe this. We run into a gaggle of girls who are perhaps a little snaggletoothed but still plenty fuckable, and a dude loving striking cook jumps ahead and starts chatting them up. They notice he's got a wedding ring on. "Oh, my wife's dead." <feigns sad expression badly.> "Oh, I'm sorry." one of the snaggles says. "What did she die of?" <thinks on his feet like only a cook striker can> "Cancer. Uh... Prostate cancer."
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Nov 28, 2012 13:23
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| # ¿ Apr 29, 2024 02:49 |
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We had a dude take out a something like $4K personal loan from NFCU for a new computer and then blow it all on a single stripper over the course of a weekend I imagine everyone in the military has a story fundamentally like this, though
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Dec 2, 2012 12:05
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Had a dude who luckily had just transferred off of our boat get caught for statutory rape etc. Apparently he was inviting 15 year old boys over to his house and getting them drunk, then fellating them. When his house got searched they found 60+ firearms, about half of which were supposedly illegal in the state of CT. When the news ran the story they made a point of showing his truck in front of his house with the big Confederate flag filling the back window. We had a delayed deployment for over a week (too broke to go to sea, too dumb to fake it) and the day we pulled out, the top half of the local paper front page was Mr Dixie Blowjob up there, who as I said had luckily transferred, so even though it said he was Navy it didn't list our command. However, the bottom half of the front page was one of our guys. Some dumb TM striker had taken advantage of the delay to go see his (very underage) girlfriend. Apparently her mom caught them in the bed so he panicked, punched the mom in the face (classy) and jumped out the window. Somehow in his confused escape he also rammed a cop car, giving the paper a great picture. His biggest mistake was that he thought if he could just get back to base, he'd be safe, because federal property and all. So he was sitting in his barracks for all of maybe 10 minutes before the MPs swung by to haul him off to the hoosegow.
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Dec 2, 2012 12:15
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JakeB posted:Let's talk about 1LT Fred. The LT graduated first in his class out of OCS, so they made him 1LT. This genius was put in charge of a platoon for our deployment. No big deal. During workups, LT manages to drop a DAGR under a 7-ton and forget about it, all the way until said 7-ton runs it over. DAGR is now destroyed. LT owns up to it, and is relieved of his command of 3rd platoon and put under 1LT O. Why is dropping a GPS and breaking it something worthy of losing your command over? I get it's just a platoon and all but that seems like a big smack in the face. What am I missing?
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Dec 24, 2012 03:44
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It sounds like one guy got his pecker slapped for ND'ing (which is dumb) and the other guy got far worse for a coverup/lying (which is a whole different kind of dumb)
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Dec 25, 2012 01:42
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You guys's boot camp sounds way more awesome than ours. Driving tanks???
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Dec 25, 2012 04:37
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We had a guy get caught blazing the reactor pre-startup valve lineup (I forget the formal name.) This is a Big Deal. He ended up getting caught because he hadn't even remembered to fake the radiological contamination surveys required as a consequence of the lineup (you open things up that might be contaminated in order to see valves.) This loses him a chevron but mysteriously does not get him de-nuked. The entire department is up forward at department-level training, in port, which means the only people in the engine room are the shutdown reactor operator and the engine room roving watch. This guy is standing roving watch. Naval Reactors decides to pay a visit, walks past the department training in progress, and finds this guy at the M-Div workbench, playing Freecell on the laptop. He may or may not have tried to claim he wasn't on watch. That got him de-nuked.
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Dec 25, 2012 05:39
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We had guys go sad in Power School, but anyone with sense who wanted out dropped a rainbow chit. We had more rainbow chits than any other command in the Navy, by a big margin. I don't know if that's even a thing any more.
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Dec 26, 2012 03:22
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movax posted:At least they're not making it out into the fleet but still, holy poo poo. Your optimisim is unfounded
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Dec 26, 2012 03:57
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Luckily any military force out there that we might go up against is just as bad if not worse. As are the civilian governments who might pit us against each other, on both sides. Once you realize that, the history of war and geopolitics suddenly makes a lot more sense.
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Dec 26, 2012 04:30
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Family shoot days are pretty fun, at least for the families. Never thought about the planning behind them. Also stuff like that seems to be good opportunity for showboating / loving around. My dad went to a 'take your boss to work' Army reserves thing where they let people fire the howitzers and stuff and he loved it. They were riding back in a humvee and the driver thought it'd be cool to ford a little stream instead of crossing the bridge a few yards away; it turned out the water was much deeper than expected and while they didn't get stuck all the civilians in the humvee got soaked.
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Dec 26, 2012 22:16
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Martello posted:I thought you were in the Navy though? I didn't take him, one of the guys who worked for him (and was in the Army reserves) took him for 'Bring your boss to work' day or something
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Dec 26, 2012 22:35
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Rent-A-Cop posted:I used to work (as a civ employee) for a one-star who would take a radar gun from the MA's and go write people tickets when he was pissed of about something. He also used to randomly grab whoever happened to be within his line of sight to go do dumb poo poo like sweep gravel or pick up cigarette butts in front of his HQ. I kinda think this is cool partly because of how Sgt Bilko Big Army it is and partly because at least he's only loving with individuals and not issuing random-rear end memos that gently caress entire brigades at a time
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Dec 27, 2012 00:41
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I've mentioned Nuke sailor range antics before but it seems appropriate here. It isn't uncommon for nukes to only go live fire at the range three or four times in their six-year stint (including boot camp). Seen at the range: - A guy loaded the shotgun shells backwards - A guy fired the shotgun from the hip, did not have it well braced, and the gun went flying (still loaded) about ten yards behind him and the rest of the firing line - Guy fires the shotgun once, holds it vertical to pump like he saw Shwarzenegger do it or something, fires the second round straight up into the ceiling - Guy firing the M9 would take a shot and then manually rack the slide each time, ejecting a perfectly good round, because he saw it in a movie - My roommate who had never shot before was so nervous that when they called 'ready' or whatever to load the pistol (and wait to bring it up) he loaded, released the slide, brought it up, flipped safety, put two on target, dropped the mag and was reloading when the RSO tackled him - On a related note due to vision problems I can't really use an M16 front sight or see the rifle bullseye, but still qualified rifle once because the guy the next lane over was shooting my targets by accident. Even got me the marksman badge!
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Dec 27, 2012 14:34
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celestial teapot posted:I can't say I personally witnessed this unfortunately, but I almost lost my poo poo studying the BMT manual in line for chow when I found the part in the back that says "Do not fill your canteens with toilet water." Not only did it happen, but it happened enough that they had to put it in the loving book. Depending on where you are and what's been going on toilet water can be one of your more reliable sources of safe potable water (get it from the tank, not the bowl, of course)
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Dec 29, 2012 01:44
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That depends. A lot of those guys who tell you how happy they are they de-nuked while they're de-clogging the poo poo pumps for the third time have a tone awfully similar to the guys who tell you how oh sure they could've been SEALs but they totally got shin splints on the run at BUDS or some crap and now they're really happy as regular old hull techs.
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Dec 30, 2012 04:02
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Earl Gray posted:a tendency to gently caress anything that moves. That's an important skill to learn, it is a far better way to ensure you have a warm place to sleep in an unfamiliar port than getting arrested, and it's one many junior sailors do a poor job of picking up on, so at least the guy has demonstrated he is trainable
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Jan 2, 2013 10:31
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I've thought about getting vet plates on my car in the hopes that it'd cut down on other drivers' road rage when I cut them off. Also it cuts your property taxes here. Been too lazy to so far. I have a lot of surplus/surplus-y looking fleece stuff because gently caress it is colder than gently caress in CT and that stuff is cheap and warm and doesn't disintegrate if you wear it while actually working outside. So it's green and brown, I wasn't Army, don't care. I wrote about it in another thread but I wore a red and gold ballcap to a Veteran's Day parade (it was my submarine's drill team hat and one of the few things I have left that say 'Navy' in any way) and I had all these old-rear end vet Marines running up to me and wishing me happy birthday and 'rah' and barking and other weird jarhead poo poo and I felt like complete dogshit for being an inadvertent impostor
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Feb 1, 2013 14:37
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Shipmate, my brightworks are not thirsty!
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Feb 7, 2013 00:22
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GiP is always interested in new threads
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Feb 12, 2013 13:19
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Nerdfest X posted:2nd guy was an alcoholic nuke who snuck vodka onboard a sub in Aquafina bottles (message: being found drunk on watch 3 weeks into a sub deployment is not healthy for your career). Always use Listerine bottles the smell will be much less of a giveaway
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Feb 15, 2013 02:57
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Mr. Nice! posted:It's because there isn't a huge stigma against sex or sex workers in most of the rest of the world. It's because in most places there is literally nothing else to do for money
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Mar 28, 2013 02:02
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Booblord Zagats posted:I know some officers who got their Masters from Georgetown and University of Pennsylvania while they were in My stepbrother got a doctorate from Oxford. Think he had to sign up for an extra 2 years to get it, though.
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Apr 1, 2013 02:38
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Ikarus posted:I don't think you did first-hand right He was the playstation
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Apr 21, 2013 10:34
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Should just issue you boresnakes, really
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Apr 30, 2013 10:39
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Selklubber posted:What's up with the HK that makes it so loveable? The M4/M16 you guys use looks almost the same, the HK just has a softer butt and was too large while driving. Some canadians I talked to during Cold Response also liked it. Gas piston vs direct impingement is probably the big thing, means it gets gunked up a lot less
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Apr 30, 2013 14:07
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HATE CURES TRANNYS posted:Oh my GOD this'll be tough to top. When we pulled into Port Canaveral we had to post a guard at the far end of the pier; I don't know how long it is, but it's called the mile-long pier and it was at least far enough that the boat's cruddy walkie talkies couldn't reach. They give the guy a machine gun but to 100% make sure he doesn't accidentally ND into a passing cruise liner, they don't give him any bullets. One guy's out there on the midwatch and needs to poo poo. Radio doesn't work. Tries signalling the topside watch with a flashlight but no go. So he decides to drop trou and take a dump off the side of the pier (in full view of said passing cruise liners.) Must've been scared of falling over or something because he doesn't lean far enough and just shits into his lowered pants. Has to stand the rest of his watch, in Florida, with lovely drawers. Not as good as making GBS threads in your hood and not realizing it, though. I think I already told the story of the guy taking a dump on the floor of the reactor control room.
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Apr 30, 2013 18:10
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Cenen posted:Awww man this sounds exactly like another story I heard on here (maybe even this thread) but I could have sworn the dude fell off in the end instead. I remember it had another part about how the dude at the opposite end of the pier was also given a gun without bullets but since there was some sort of large cat spieces they gave him a jagged metal pole to defend himself. That was my story, the dude didn't fall in, and it was a wooden stick because of panthers
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May 1, 2013 10:33
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Lord Gaga posted:Its funny to me that I can (and do!) walk all over Florida with a gun because I had $100 and sat through a couple hour class but people in a panther ridden palmetto forest or wherever you guys were cannot have bullets. You're probably also allowed to stay out in town after midnight.
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May 2, 2013 09:04
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Watch and Weight Goon Love Is The Best Love was this thing one of the mods came up with where you volunteered to go on a date and then like any goon could propose a date and you had 24 hours to say yes or get permabanned. Then they had to go on said date and then E/N blog about it. The volunteer pool for the dudes filled up in like 5 minutes. It was as full of antisocial spergs as you can imagine. The whole thing was a hilarious trainwreck for the entertainment of all the other posters; the FYAD thread in particular was spectacular, google it if you have archives.
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May 3, 2013 04:20
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HATE CURES TRANNYS posted:It was an abslsoute disaster and I think someone even called the cops on their date? Every goon dating thing has been an absolute failure, I mean go figure a bunch of angry poor 20 somethings don't make good lovers. The point wasn't to get goons into relationships. It was to get goons to generate goony drama content to mock and laugh at. The mod running it was posting in the FYAD thread laughing his rear end off with everyone else.
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May 3, 2013 04:34
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Nostalgia4Infinity posted:Well I have a story about a dude making GBS threads his coveralls. Would you describe him as rather simian?
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May 4, 2013 23:16
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That's not a nuke thing. Speaking Elvish is just being a loving wierdo and just makes you stand out awkwardly when everyone else is conducting department training in Klingon.
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May 5, 2013 03:13
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May 5, 2013 07:14
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Nostalgia4Infinity posted:I'd bet my last dime that its about Benghazi. C'mon man 4 seconds of googling shows it predates Benghazi by 4+ years What I don't get is why Hill would have a crap Dragunov knockoff instead of something more 
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May 5, 2013 13:25
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Caconym posted:Holy poo poo, this was a thing? It used to be (and still is, in some cases) that when you pulled into a foreign port or back from a long underway, you would man the rails in your dress uniform. From a mile away it looks really cool to civilians, and raiding a foreign town in your dress uniform can feel pretty cool. The problem being that 'in order to maintain a uniform appearance' you have guys in their Popeye suits with life jackets and harnesses handling lines. It is absolutely impossible to keep the drat dixie cup still on your head or not ruin it if you touch it with hands that aren't pristine clean, either. I thought the restriction on utilities out in town was dumb, but it was the uniform of a gas station attendant or possibly escaped convict. I thought the restrictions on wearing poopy suits around base were far dumber. Really it all boiled down to working uniforms get dirty and ragged and high ranking O's were terrified their wives would see a crewman picking up groceries with a termalene smear on their shirt and a big tear in the seat of their pants and realize someone in the Navy actually works for a living. Now that the Navy dresses like SEA WARRIORS any restrictions are completely retarded.
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May 10, 2013 21:13
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We had a guy who IIRC was a radioman E-5, one of our better sailors and the de facto LPO (the actual guy was a doofus.) I've forgotten most of the parts of the story I got, but he ends up missing movement for a long underway. Keep in mind the Navy can really gently caress with you on that '30 days away from your command' thing when your command is at undisclosed location and depth somewhere in the North Atlantic. This guy managed to grade-A piss off the command; apparently he called saying he couldn't make the underway because he was far off somewhere (not on leave) and got in a car wreck. Then he figures out that if he's gonna use that excuse, he needs to actually wreck his car. Which he does, all too obviously on purpose. After the boat's already left (guess the date was on the police report.) There was at least one more layer of lies on top of this, which looked awful bad for this guy's submarine radioman NEC-required Top Secret clearance. Guy ended up getting knocked down to E-1 and booted from the Navy. Although there was probably some other 'last straw' violation that I forget; I'm pretty sure the entire reason for him missimg movement in the first place involved getting in a fight with his cougar girlfriend, and she probably told the command he was beating her or some crap.
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Jun 2, 2013 16:20
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Regarding going overboard, I heard carriers lose someone into the drink at least once every deployment, although it's kept quiet. One guy told me a story of three dudes playing grabass on a plane elevator and going over, perfect sunny and calm conditions but a complete fluke, one guy drowns immediately, one goes to sharks and one they just never found. Boat made up a story for the families about how they were swept over in stormy weather. Another story I heard was of flight ops on a new carrier (probably Lincoln) where no one knew what they were doing, and some guy missing a digit on the steam catapault calculation for a loaded up F-18 and just sort of lazily dumping it off the front. There's some away call made on this case where the throttlemen go ahead flank on the screws on one side and back emergency on the other, to pivot the ship away from the crash, but this also got botched, both sides went flank, and they just roared right over this guy. Couldn't find a piece of plane or pilot bigger than the palm of your hand. Submarines generally don't have things like nets, guardrails, etc and you rarely wear a vest or even anything high-vis, glowsticks etc except for line handling in/near port. But you do get harnesses that will break your back and beat you against the sail a few times before dropping you in the drink. I nearly went over the side when we ran aground, I luckily got an arm around the nav ID mast and held on.
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Jun 2, 2013 16:54
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Yeah, the carrier stuff was sea stories, any flight deck tales that make it to the sub nuke world have at least two or three generations of embellishment at best. Lord knows how many variants of the 'disgruntled carrier nuke runs screaming onto the mess decks in a radcon canary suit with broken glowsticks smeared all over him' tale I got.
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Jun 2, 2013 18:09
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| # ¿ Apr 29, 2024 02:49 |
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Oh man motorcycle idiots So on my boat we had an electrician who was this five foot tall Japanese dude. He had a CBR600RR and could ride the poo poo out of it, turn on a dime, make it do whatever he wanted. He was not an idiot, but he infected the whole boat with motorcycle fever. His roommate, a big old white guy, saw what he could do, decided he wanted a bike, buys a V-Max. Slides it off a curve into a rock, smashes it up, gets it fixed, sells it, never rides again. We were shipwrecked in Virginia over the summer and it was perfect riding climate. I'd been eyeballing something like a Nighthawk 750 for a while, but I go to a dealer and fall in love with the Z1000. A naked literbike. I call up to the dealer near me in CT and buy one sight unseen. After we get back I didn't make it out of the dealer lot before dropping it. I'd laid it down before finishing the breakin (hah!) period. Drove it around for years with a tank dent and scratches. A good buddy of mine sees how much fun I'm having on the Kawi and decides he has to have a GSX-R1000. For a first bike. He eventually totals it but it was mostly not his fault (guy ran a stop sign) so he replaces it with a CBR1000RR. Only rides it to commute on the highway. Another guy on the boat decides he wants a cruiser, finds an old Honda 600 Shadow for sale in base housing, has me go with him to look at it. It's in terrible 'been sitting unmoving outside for 10 years' condition, but he pays easily twice what it's worth, swears to me he's ridden dirtbikes before so he can ride it home. Zooms out this guys driveway, doesn't turn, jumps the curb on the other side of the street, beelines towards a fire hydrant, dodges the hydrant at the last minute just to catch it with his knee (no protective gear, of course.) I end up riding it home for him while his knee swells up to softball size. He might have ridden it once after that. Another guy decides he needed a raked out chopper. No one ever saw what he got, because he bought it, tried to ride it home, and totalled it on a highway on-ramp. Apparently took out a drat near $20k loan to buy it, too. Most of these guys didn't take the MSF even though you needed it to ride on base. All of these guys were at least E-5.
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Jun 10, 2013 00:07
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