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I mean you want to talk about idiots let's talk about idiots. Hey everyone I'm an awkward shutin nerd, I'm going to put on my finest silk shirt, dirty slacks, and fedora and got meet another awkward shutin at a crappy restaurant because we both post on a website for weirdos.
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May 3, 2013 05:00
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| # ¿ May 16, 2024 03:55 |
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Talking with some kool dudes last night reminded me of a fantastic story of idiocy. My first time in Afghanistan our hooch was next to a really rowdy group of guys. Often times they would go out on missions and bring back souvenirs, old pistols, clothes, stuff like that. Well one day they brought back a monkey. They wanted to teach it to smoke and dip and be like movie monkey I guess. It was kind of mean but cool for a few days. Well some stuff comes up and they had to go out on a mission for a few days and we were busy sitting in our launchers farting and goofing off for about the same. So everything quiets down and we get back to our hooches. They go into theirs and it's a god damned disaster. This monkey freaked the gently caress out since they locked the poor thing in the hooch. It poo poo on and in EVERYTHING! Pillows, beds, the floor, in the fridge, in bags, loving everything. It chewed up wires and smashed their TVs and game systems, tore up photos and ate all their snacks. It ripped open cases of water, gatorade, and protein powder making this impossible to clean up slurry. We think it also got into their go fast workout stuff (Noxplode, Jack3d and the like) with either set off it's rampage or gave it the motivation to keep on destroying. They decide the monkey has to go and the next day take it and drop it off a few miles from the FOB. A couple days go back and Monkey found his way back to the FOB. Monkey was mad as a mother fucker and started attacking people. Where does the idiot part come in? One guy tried to kill the monkey, and I can't blame him since it was a violent little fucker and probably had rabies. He missed his first shot and blasted his buddy in the leg. The guys leg was so jacked up he had to get airlifted to Germany and lost his foot.
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May 3, 2013 18:08
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MancXVI posted:Picking up groceries on the way home from work? Eating lunch during normal working hours? Sure, why not? gently caress it. Ding ding. Also I never shopped at the commissary or used the on post gad station because it was always jam packed of fat wives and kids with sticky hands who would literally reach into my cart and pull out stuff.
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May 10, 2013 18:14
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People think I'm weird because I change before going home after drill. I have a 3 hour drive and need to stop for gas and stuff. I think it's a big reserve/NG thing to try and bring as much attention to the fact that you are military as possible.
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May 10, 2013 19:26
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Vasudus posted:They probably want to be thanked for their service despite never leaving the state of Pennsylvania in their lives except for AT. To be 100% fair the PA guard HAS done real deployments and lost lots of good men and women. BUT most of the people who did no poo poo Army stuff probably aren't the ones doing it. Also I am in an MI company and my first drill I got to listen to six analysts tell me how they got their CAB/get screwed out of their CAB when a mortar landed hella close to them! Also at my school the only vets who wear Army stuff are reserve/NG, Marines (100% without fail among the ones I've met) and this one weirdo who likes to come up to me and loudly talk about the Army.
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May 10, 2013 19:33
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Godholio posted:Anyone who has a tire cage and doesn't use one is a loving idiot. When I first worked in the motor pool I had no idea what a tire cage was. I saw one and asked the E5 who was babysitting me. He said he'll show me and took me into the maintenance bay, where I watched a video of a guy being blown apart by a split rim wheel.
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May 16, 2013 20:48
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Hovermoose posted:For real? I know Denmark is hardly a frozen, hostile wasteland, but still you'd think a Scandinavian army was better equipped for winter warfare. Maybe the Danes just have heart.
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May 21, 2013 18:39
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Vasudus posted:
 Oops. Every time I went on leave I wrote New Jersey but almost always traveled. Once I went from NJ, to Boston, to Chicago, to Philly, to loving Miami and then back to Bragg.
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Jun 2, 2013 00:10
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Godholio posted:You seem surprised someone could get in trouble for falsifying official documents. So I couldn't leave my house?
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Jun 2, 2013 02:55
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Vasudus posted:Sudden death never bothered me. Probably how I was never really concerned with handling explosives - gently caress up and you're a red mist in the wind. We stopped using the MLRS rounds with bomblets in Afghanistan long before I even joined the army. Reason being they were incredibly, INCREDIBLY unreliable. I never got an official number on failure rate buy I promise it's over 25%. I once got to watch a video of some Iraqi kid picking one up, proudly holding it like he caught a rare pokemon with it (they look like pokeballs) and getting half of himself blown off.
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Jun 3, 2013 19:25
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Vasudus posted:I never personally handled the bomblets, I was out on mission when we found a few (in/around the Sunni triangle). We drew straws or did rock/paper/scissors to see who was handling what calls. MLRS bomblets were the only situation we flat out refused to handle and called EOD. They would chide us about not being real Sappers until we told them what it was and then they would immediately change tone and take our 9-line. I definitely don't blame you for that one. Those things are the gift that keeps on giving (grave injuries).
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Jun 3, 2013 19:36
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I got unofficial warnings from E5/6s in my unit but the idea of a power point with a girl picture and name is great.
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Jun 8, 2013 23:35
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Cojawfee posted:What the gently caress are you driving that gets 6mpg? You can go on craiglist and buy a honda for 2000 dollars that gets way better mileage than that. Do you not know that sometimes people exaggerate to be funny?
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Jun 10, 2013 04:52
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Maybe when E6 comes around he'll just stutter and answer everything wrong.
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Jun 10, 2013 23:22
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OH MY GOD WHAT IS WITH THIS FORUM TONIGHT?!
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Jun 28, 2013 04:35
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Beria posted:"yes guys, this is certainly a thorny issue. But what will we do when the revolution comes?" Read the one about other than honorable discharges. Oh man the army is really screwing these poor guys who aren't getting treated for PTSD! WELL IF WE HAD A GUARANTEED MINIMUM INCOME AND UNIVERSAL HEALTHCARE
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Jun 28, 2013 18:37
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Phanatic posted:A former staff sergeant at Los Angeles Air Force Base, Calif., tried to get out of her physical training test by recruiting someone to stab her in the stomach. I've know people to roll their ankle on purpose but holy poo poo.
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Jul 23, 2013 01:07
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mokhtar belmokhtar posted:i got arrested and missed 1 of mine Did you have to take leave to serve a sentence?
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Jul 23, 2013 02:17
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mokhtar belmokhtar posted:no it was on base, the cops released me to my ship and the girl who i grabbed by the throat and threw out of my room was banned from base :^) (it was my roommates baby mama, this loving crazy fat australian chick who would come try to get in the room at all hours of the night) drat dude glad you didn't get hosed on that one. Take that feminism. My favorite stories are guys taking leave to go sit in jail. That's the funniest thing ever to me.
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Jul 23, 2013 02:23
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I had an e5 dropped off my staff duty desk one time literally carrying a note from my 1SG saying to babysit him until morning.
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Jul 23, 2013 02:26
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Did government travel cards used to be really easy scam and recently changed or something? I've personally witnessed about 4 people get in trouble with GTCs. From buying a ton of booze, to paying rent, making car payments and strip clubs. All four of these people thought they wouldn't get caught.
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Sep 13, 2013 18:01
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GD_American posted:E-9s always had a fetish in the Signal Corps for yanking on groundstraps like they were supposed to tether the entire site to the Earth in case gravity reversed or something. It was always my wet dream to see one of them do it on a rainy day and become shortest path to ground for an entire loving Node Center. Jesus Christ. I can see signal being all retarded about that "Bravo company hammered their stake in almost six inches deeper than Alpha! THIS IS THE NEW STANDARD!" Could you get an award for hammering a stake real good?
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Sep 16, 2013 22:22
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50 Foot Ant posted:When I say "The Army did not give a gently caress about us" it isn't hyperbole. As far as the Army and DoD was concerned you were just a body to carry your loving equipment into battle. When I was in basic (summer of 2007, I know drat whipper-snapper) the Drill Sergeants would say they only needed to give us four hours of sleep, but the little info packets that got handed out to us said when in the barracks we had to have the opportunity for eight a night and six in the field. Honestly we pretty much got that most of the time, sometimes training would run late, sometimes the DSs would just gently caress with us, but my battery at least didn't get sleep deprived basically at all in basic. Hell the day of the 20k we got up at our usual time, I think either 430 or 400, did some poo poo until about 2 or so, and then they let us rack out, on the floor next to our beds, for about two hours before we had to go march. We got babied compared to some people. Hell even in my actual unit we didn't get screwed too bad on sleep. Sometimes in the field you'd get shorted but usually, especially for drivers, you got the chance for about six on average. I definitely heard the "I ONLY NEED TO GIVE YOU FOUR HOURS!" thing a ton but except for once or twice the only times we got hosed on sleep like that wasn't simply because someone was being an rear end in a top hat. Deployments were a different story, sometimes there just wasn't time to sleep, but eh. friend of the family DEATH TURBO posted:jarhead was pretty realistic in general if I recall correctly it's been a while I thought Jarhead over dramatized a bit but was pretty close. Boredom can be the worst part of deployments sometimes.
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Sep 17, 2013 22:23
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friend of the family DEATH TURBO posted:yeah I really couldn't give a gently caress less if the stories are true or not 50FA is cool
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Sep 25, 2013 21:35
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Rough Lobster posted:The only thing worse than having to mousewheel past a 50 ft Ant post is having to mousewheel past said post and the stupid loving posts that always come next. Well you can go away then and never come back. It'll save your precious mouse wheel some wear and tear.
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Oct 9, 2013 23:45
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Fat Twitter Man posted:And yet GiP hated the Hurt Locker. 50FA isn't making me people think EOD is just a bunch of retards running around.
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Oct 10, 2013 01:17
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Vasudus posted:Are you trying to tell me this is not the case? Well most aren't the Hurt Locker kind of retarded. Now Afghans doing EOD work...
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Oct 10, 2013 01:23
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holocaust bloopers posted:Here's a 100% fool proof faker story: USAF security forces (call yourself SF for street cred but that could bring unwanted attention if you meet a legit AF cop) who deployed once to Afghanistan and did a few TDY's to Texas. Boom! Most uninteresting career ever. Enjoy your stolen valor. I got to watch a USAF security forces guy blow his own foot off on camera when BAF got hit in May 2010.
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Oct 10, 2013 03:57
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holocaust bloopers posted:Wait what? He himself did it? Story time, Mr. Fhloop. Well BAF had a wire breech and these security forces dudes roll up on where it was reported to be. I guess they didn't really believe it because they just kind of sauntered around without looking. They both had M16s while the .50 cal on their humvee just sat their chilling. Anyway the Afghan dude (In ACUs) who was laying next to the wire sat up and SF McBadass fumbled with his 16 and shot himself square in the drat boot. His buddy panicked, started to run away, turned and fired like 4 shots at nothing then helped his buddy to the humvee where they said lol bye and drove off, leaving the unarmed contractors and like 3 random Joes to cower in a bunker while the Afghans shot small arms fire and RPGs at them. Until a pair of Apaches went buck rear end wild and blew everything to poo poo.
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Oct 10, 2013 04:24
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holocaust bloopers posted:I would've paid a lot of money to have seen this all play out IRL. gently caress let's just make it mandatory that everyone has to wear a GoPro at all times. I wish so hard I had copies of it you have no idea.
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Oct 10, 2013 04:30
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Fifty four loving dollars?
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Oct 10, 2013 04:48
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PLANES CURE TOWERS posted:i tried to give roscoe some charleys once You're dog is just like it's owner! A stupid human being with dumb taste.
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Oct 16, 2013 00:38
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Godholio posted:Yeah, let's get sandwiches that are worse than Subway and cost more. All of your opinions are bad and dumb.
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Oct 17, 2013 06:46
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Admiral Bosch posted:There was an E6 in the Motor-T section who 1. Lost his sidearm. It was 'gone' when he woke up from a nap in his office. This got a lot clearer when it came out that 2. he got caught huffing duster. His punishment? Reduction to sergeant and going home early. I may have told this story, in this very thread maybe, but anyway. We had an E5p on KAF who left his M4 on the roof of a hilux and drove off. He noticed it was missing that night but didn't say poo poo. It was found out when the MPs returned it...minus the sight, PEQ, etc. He lost his promotable status and basically got shamed out. The PSG in charge got a GOMAR which sucks, because he was really cool.
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Oct 19, 2013 23:35
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Cenen posted:How many DUIs can you rack up? Is it supposed to be a commander discretion deal with what they do with you? If you just keep getting them it's eventually has to go beyond the squadron level right? Back in the days we were fighting two wars I saw a few people get multiple article 15s a year for drugs. They'd just get knocked down a rank, do extra duty for a month or so, and then do it all over again. NCOs got GOMARs for DUIs, lower enlisted just got demoted, and you could probably get a couple if your command liked you.
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Oct 23, 2013 02:22
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I knew an E...3 I think it was who pulled in something like $1300 or so a month, maybe less. Anyway point is, his stupid Camaro SS he bought with like nothing down and probably state maximum legal interest rate literally cost $150 a month less than what he made when you factored insurance into the equation. So after his car payment, car insurance, and phone bill he had something like $50 a month left over for gas and whatever else. If he ever got an Article 15 he'd be ruined, if he had an unexpected bill pop up he'd be ruined, if we had a loving class A inspection and he had to get his uniform dry cleaned and boots shined he'd be loving ruined. He also got SUPER defensive to the point of wanting to fight people over how stupid of a purchase this was. His first line supervisor, platoon sergeant, and commander all basically demanded he take the car back. He absolutely refused because "I'm willing to risk my life for this country, I deserve something that makes me happy." He was a mechanic. Eventually they gave up on trying to get him to give it back. For a while we actually thought he was just going to live the next five years of life on $50 a month and actually pay the drat car off. He said he was going to do it and acted all  about it.I remember one time we were having a white trash barracks party and he came up trying to get some beers off us. Someone told him to buy buy a six pack and then added "Oh wait, you'd have to overdraw your account probably" and handed him a beer. He flipped out and chucked the beer, and to be fair he really put some rear end into it because that loving bottle flew clear over the barracks and into the woods like 100 feet away, and stormed off. The ultimate gently caress you, and I swear he did this on purpose, was the CSM taking him off the deployment roster and replacing him with a female mechanic. He pretty much needed the deployment money and freaked out. He begged and begged to get put on the roster to go but our commander didn't want him (He was in the FSC and we were a line battery). By the time we got back to the states a year later the car was gone, he was an E1, was in the process of getting chaptered out for financial reasons and stealing. Yeah he started ganking poo poo when he fell behind on the car and got caught, which prompted him to get the first Article 15 and fall hopelessly behind on payments. gleep gloop fucked around with this message at 19:53 on Oct 24, 2013 |
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Oct 24, 2013 19:49
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You know, if I poo poo myself before coming into work I'd probably call and lie about almost anything else happening before I told another man I poo poo my pants.
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Oct 24, 2013 23:09
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A Bentley probably wasn't the best idea but...well, I don't have a Bentley.
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Oct 25, 2013 12:14
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Mad Dragon posted:If you know anyone who had to study for the loving ASVAB, they probably belong in here. When I was joining my recruiter had a few prospects who he needed to try and train up to the 23 or whatever on the ASVAB that was the minimum for a waiver.
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Dec 22, 2013 21:52
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| # ¿ May 16, 2024 03:55 |
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If the military said no to you between 2003-2010 you had to have a missing limb or literal mental disability. And half the time there was a waiver for those.
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Dec 22, 2013 22:57
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