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Blarggy posted:
You got some excellent line edits already ,so I'm just going to offer a few comments on the piece as a whole. I'd have to agree with the sentiment that you shouldn't start with the protagonist waking up or any earlier time-line wise then what you have already. If you have anything before this part that exists just to establish the setting, or background or whatever, ditch it. You can show those details later ,after you have hooked the reader, not before. Even in a novel, you need to get to the meat of the story quickly to hook a reader. There are exceptions, but unless your writing is sublime -I would read Chabon's or Vonnegut's grocery lists any day- then you need to give your readers a reason to turn the page. You have to elicit some kind of response. Be entertaining ,add a surprise ,or at least include a little dash of genuine suspense early on, etc. And the longer you delay getting to that part, the actual good stuff, the higher the chances are that you'll lose your readers. One way to do this, is think of what is the first really cool thing that is going to happen ,and then get right to it. Give us a reason to care right off the bat. In this case, as it's written, everything up to the woman entering the room could be cut. Because if any of that information is intriguing or important, you have done nothing to show that in the writing itself. As far as style goes, consider mixing up your sentences more. Add a few short sentences to mix in with the long and consider more interesting adjectives and comparisons. Also maybe consider getting us closer to the protagonist in voice, as it is the narration is a bit detached and bloodless. I don't feel like I have any stake in what's going on while reading this. In this case, I think my best advice is that you should think about utilizing the 10% rule. That is, Second Draft = First Draft - 10% of the words. No matter what. Doing this will destroy needless exposition, and get you to really think about what information you need and what information you don't. You should edit your work as if there is a dude in a suit behind you, slipping you a dollar every time you murder a word. Be ruthless. Bathe in their delicious blood. JuniperCake fucked around with this message at 20:09 on Feb 15, 2013 |
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Feb 15, 2013 19:30
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| # ¿ May 14, 2024 04:16 |
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Eh sure, I'll bite. elfdude posted:
Well off the bat, I'd say there are serious issues with cliche and awkward dialog/thoughts. Also, there is too much redundancy and too much telling vs showing overall. The story definitely needs a few more editing passes to cut out extraneous bits. For the record, I like the idea of the relationship between Debiles and his sister. The idea that he thinks hes the smart one while shes been pulling his strings all along has considerable potential. That said I think it could have been executed better. The twist at the end with her backstabbing him doesn't have any emotional weight because neither Debiles or Fortis have any real personality or chemistry. The only thing that I found interesting was the emotional connection Debiles had with the clock but that also doesn't really pay off either. You establish it firmly too late in the story and I think the fact that he works under a very precise timing would have to be the key to his downfall (in lieu of his sister just not casting magic on him) to really push this angle if you wanted to go that route. The reveal in the end that the archmage is their father has zero emotional weight as well. It feels like a cheap and low effort way to throw in an extra twist at the end. Mind you I think it's fine that the archmage is their father but revealing it at the end in the story's current state doesn't accomplish much. In fact having it there at the start, and using the tyranny of their father as they see him to build a more sympathetic relationship between the two might have worked better. At least it would have given the eventual betrayal a bit more sting in the end. I think you get into his watch obsession/isolation too late in the story as well. Given how prominent it is towards the end, this really should be one of the first things you hit us with. The dude was trapped in darkness for at least a year by his own father. Not to mention the whole ticking thing. If that's not a traumatic experience then I don't know what is. He is way too put together. I'm not saying you have to go too far but there should at least be some hints that he had been through a horrific experience. It should be evident to some extent in his behavior/thoughts/speech/etc. By the time you get into his entrapment in the flashback its too late, its too much of a tone shift and it feels false. Also, while this is more of a "feel" thing, I don't really buy the Cesium bit as being key to the story. The watch could have easily been magic, or anything else and nothing would have changed. In fact you must have realized this because you took us out of the action towards the end so that you could tell us about the cesium in the clock. If you write it so that you have to explain a key concept after the fact in order for people to make the connection then what you have is not working. Mind you some amount of telling in scifi/fantasy to explain concepts is understandable but in a short story you don't have the same luxuries as a novel and you really need to keep the flat out telling of important plot details to a minimum. What makes this worse is the fact that Cesium has so much potential in a story like this one where you have wizards using technology and is even titled modern magic. Cesium is a very notable element (one of the most volatile elements in existence) and none of your modern molecular splitting wizards had the idea to blow people up with it. It's low hanging fruit to be sure, and its fine to avoid that kind of thing but you need to make sure what you come up with is actually a better solution or people will wonder why you didn't go the easy way. I do think there is a good story in there, but you'll have to chip away at it a bit to get it out. Focus on the relationships of the characters, give them more personality and make the betrayal at the end something with at least some emotional impact if you do choose to stay that route. Best of luck! JuniperCake fucked around with this message at 10:57 on Feb 13, 2014 |
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Feb 13, 2014 10:09
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elfdude posted:My god, I did not know the distinction between an independent clause and a dependent clause. That has simplified the whole problem immensely. Thank you! I'm exploring the website you gave me more thoroughly. Yeah. When in doubt just add a period. Also a big help is reading sentences out loud. This is, hands down, the best thing you can do. If you feel there should be a pause somewhere as you read the sentence out loud then look into putting a comma or a period there. (This will be a period more often then not unless it would fragment the sentence or hurt clarity. In that case, its either a comma or you need to re-write the sentence altogether. Essentially commas exist to help readability and clarity so don't be scared of them but sometimes a period or rewriting the sentence will be the better option. I don't mean to be too harsh about the comma because it's a good tool. But you can go ahead and throw semi-colons in the trash. There are uses for them but they are far too easy to screw up and it's not worth it.) Mind you, my grammar is pretty instinctual as well and I make plenty of my own mistakes but I've gotten a lot better than I used to be. What helped me was trying to learn about other languages and trying to translate between the two languages. It helps you think about the language structurally and get used to breaking sentences apart. Like a non foreign language related exercise could involve just finding a big, but grammatically correct, sentence and putting a parenthesis around every clause. Once you are done, everything should be wrapped up except the main idea of that sentence. Do this a few times and you'll start to notice patterns and get a much stronger feel for what is a main idea vs an addendum to a main idea. JuniperCake fucked around with this message at 07:06 on Feb 14, 2014 |
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Feb 14, 2014 06:16
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Nika posted:
I agree with you on principle. Said is mostly invisible, but there are other options that can work in some instances. A good strong verb is infinitely better than said + adverb as well. The whole challenge in most situations is to get the right verb for the job. But if you do decide to go with a verb other than said, be sure to use a word that refers to speech or at least some kind of sound. A scowl refers to a facial expression. You can't scowl (or snarl for that matter) words. You can growl them though. JuniperCake fucked around with this message at 21:40 on Mar 8, 2014 |
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Mar 8, 2014 21:37
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CommissarMega posted:All right; it's a little over the word count though, won't happen again: I just wanted to comment about one thing real quick because I noticed this issue in your first draft as well. If you want to establish a sense of camaraderie between the two of them and portray Torch's appearance as not a big deal to Shara who is presumably your viewpoint character, don't start with a lengthy description of him with an aim of making him seem alien and menacing to the viewer. Also it's kinda cold to have Shara think of him as "something clicking above her" when she clearly behaves as if he is a someone. It's good to keep your view point character's expectations in mind when it comes to describing stuff. Describing him first as a monster, but then saying, oh but hes a friend is also a bit too coy which can turn some people off. It's false suspense that gets deflated immediately, and it makes one wonder whats the point of it. Trust your reader, just have the dude descend, maybe use like one tiny description to imply hes moving in a way that's not human or something like that, then let the rest of the details follow. People will be able to follow the exchange and figure stuff out from there. Leaving some stuff to the imagination and downplaying the bizarre elements, especially in the eyes of Shara, will do much more to make things seem mundane in respect to the setting. People don't tend to obssess over mundane details that they see every day and usually take forgranted, well unless they have OCD I suppose. Also as far as description goes in general, you'd be surprised with how little you can get away with. If you don't say something specific, people's minds will fill it out for you. A little bit of the right description can evoke a far more vivid and interesting picture than 3-4 detailed sentences. Sometimes that much description is appropriate, however I don't think this situation is one of them. JuniperCake fucked around with this message at 09:53 on Mar 20, 2014 |
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Mar 20, 2014 09:46
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CommissarMega posted:You know, now that you mention this, it seems to blindingly goddamn obvious Yeah it looks straight to the point to me. I do think it works much better.
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Mar 20, 2014 09:57
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Would this work?
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| # ¿ May 14, 2024 04:16 |
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TheGreekOwl posted:
I'm confused. You are calling this a synopsis or an introduction but those are very different things. It would help if you tell us which one it's meant to be. If this is something you are using to show your work to an editor or an agent, then you need to make it a complete synopsis and describe the protagonist's entire character arc with all its major beats. This also means you have to include the ending, whether or not the protagonist achieves or fails to achieve their goal, etc. This link covers synopses in more detail: http://janefriedman.com/2011/10/25/novel-synopsis/ If it's just an intro, then how do you intend to have this viewed? Is it going to be the first thing the reader sees? If that's the case then you need to ask yourself if you really need it. You might be better off starting the story in the middle of the action and then filling in all the background details as you go. The intro needs to have a good reason for being there, since it delays people from getting into the meat of your story. Also, whether this is an intro or a synopsis, it should stand on it's own without any preface. Unless it's supposed to be a twist, you should make the fact that the characters are non-human clear in the first paragraph at the very least if not in the first sentence. As far as the actual content goes, the biggest issue I think is the lack of specifics. Instead of saying that their greatest fear is this Anthropos(whatever this is) reaching the den, you should state what would happen if this were to occur. Give us a concrete example of what's at stake. Does it steal all their kids? wipe out the city-state? their entire species? etc. It's the same thing with the protagonist's tormented past. Give us specifics that show us why she is the way she is. Stuff like her psyche has been assaulted, and her ethics have been confused are so general and vague that they tell us almost nothing. You shouldn't give every detail, but give us enough concrete stuff so that we can get a feel for whats at stake and who the characters are. You need that to turn this from "some jaded ex-soldier battles her inner demons as she tries to save her people from existential threat #4312" to something more unique. It's a balancing act as you don't want to go overboard with info, but every sentence should have some specific and useful information that advances the story. If it's vague in any way, then cut or rewrite the sentence.
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Nov 10, 2014 02:36
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