The Farm 2013. Flash Fiction and Snippets Critique Hub (<1000 Words)

The Something Awful Forums > The Finer Arts > Creative Convention > The Farm 2013. Flash Fiction and Snippets Critique Hub (<1000 Words)

flerp: Feb 25, 2014

Sithsaber posted:

Killing the kid wasn�t the problem;I would get rid of the semicolon and replace it with a period I�d have no interest in whether he felt pain or fear after I gutted him like the pig he made himself out to be. Petty notions of morality were also out of the equation; I�d let Christ or whatever Dumbfuck don�t cap in charge of arrogant pricks like him decide the repercussions for what I was planning to do. Nobody would even miss him; I�d heard enough of his family disputes to know that he was the black sheep of the (degenerate) Don�t do parentheses, especially for one unimportant word family.

No, my only problem was the obvious one: how to dispose of the body. The neighborhood had been quite Typo, right? enough before his kind Another typo/spell check?, and I was pretty sure no one would catch what I did on camera. They�d probably even congratulate me if they ever found out I was the one to do that miserable punk in. ~~I had seen enough tv~~ don�t need that to know that my best bet was to melt the bastard, but I was nowhere near a chemist, and googling �how to decompose a body� right before a murder tends to raise eyebrows if looked into. I�d have to eat �im. Oh well, an upset stomach is better than an annoyed stroke. This doesn�t make sense at all. I don�t know who this character is, why he murdered somebody, and how he jumped to the conclusion of eating a dead body. I do like how casually he puts it, but it still doesn�t make sense as I don�t know who the protag is. How the hell is he even going to be able to eat an entire human body?

After a little bit of prep I was ready. I waited for an excuse and he gave me one; the gently caress don�t cap presented himself with his reliably condescending smile and I pulled out my knife� Who is the gently caress, why is he smiling?

Having to kill the old man wouldn�t be a problem is the gently caress the old man?; he�d instigate an ordeal and my conscience would be clean. I had lived in this shithole of a neighborhood my whole life, and I�d be damned if someone other than me decided when the sidewalk was off limits. Sidewalk? Where is this taking place? I�d had enough of being told what to do, and I was sick and tired of being the guy who stepped out of the way for others who were walking. Who cared if people called me crazy for running around at midnight? If I wanted to I could summersault my way through the cul-de-sac in nothing but short shorts and there would be nothing they could do about it.

After tolerating a decade of worsening affronts I had finally graduated into the real world. No more morons were pushing me around: I didn�t stand for it. I had actually come to enjoy the neighbors� unease, and if they wanted some they could come and get it. The old man was the worst of them; his stares felt like a mix between the glare of a judgmental uncle and an overbearing school-yard bully. I knew he wanted to hurt me, and I could be obliged to give him a try.

At this point I was just asking for trouble. I would go out of my way to exercise when his kind were out. I�d smoke a cigarette and make the punks look weak in front of their girls, and I would never break eye contact with someone until they did it for me. I see the old man by his car; I can easily walk the other way. But why should I? The pavement is public property: gently caress him. Before I know it something sharp flashes in his hand, finally allowing me to pull out something sharp of my own. If I go down he goes down with me.

If I go Down don�t cap, he goes with me.

What the hell is happening in your story? So, protag kills a kid, decides he has to eat the body, and then there�s an old man on the sidewalk and he pulls out a knife? What just happened? None of it makes sense. And please, don't reply back to this with excuses or explaining what happened. If your story doesn't make sense, then fix it. The time you spend replying back to me could be time spent making your story more clear.

Worse of all, nothing actually happened. We�re just told protag kills a kid and eats the body. Or does he eat the body, I'm not even sure. Then, he�s about to fight the old man, and story ends. We�re just told things happen and we just watch the aftermath, or get the build up to the climax without any payoff.

I feel like there should be some scene transitions, but I can�t tell where one scene ends and another starts. For all I know, it's one big scene.

Your protagonist was nothing. I don�t know who he is, why he is doing this, and why I should care. This story could be much more interesting if you showed us how he got to be a crazy murderer who is willing to kill an old man just for standing in his way. But all you do is tell us that he had trouble (�After tolerating a decade of worsening affronts�). I don't care about your protagonist, so I don't care about your story.

# ¿ Jul 10, 2014 23:02

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# ¿ May 14, 2024 06:38

flerp: Feb 25, 2014

DoctorWhat posted:

I'm taking a serious stab at writing a short story for pretty much the first time and I'm trying to establish a specific tone for it, and also find out if what I've written is any good so far. It's only about two pages long so far, so it shouldn't take more than five minutes to read through.

Here's the Google Docs link.

I left some comments on the doc, so you can read them. I found a few awkward lines and a good amount of telling in the beginning. However, you get over that pretty quickly.

Now for your questions

DoctorWhat posted:

Is the narrator relatable?

Kind of. He just seems like an average joe with a personality that feels kind of generic. I don't really know how to describe him except wants to be hidden, likes Star Trek (maybe), and overreacts when he accidentally bumps into a woman. Also, gets really smug when people call soda pop for some reason.

DoctorWhat posted:

Do all the different "speakers" have distinct enough voices?

Yeah, the only other speaker is really the girl, and she does feel different from the boy, but I don't really feel like she's a strong character since I don't really get to know her.

DoctorWhat posted:

Is there anything particularly stupid that I've done?

Besides make a story based off of Doctor Who? That you added in news articles about something that doesn't add anything to the story.

The big problem is that this story feels incomplete. Not that there's anything missing in one you presented, but just that it doesn't feel finished. Your articles hint at something more, and the events that happen don't really have a full narrative arc. There lies the problem with giving us a rough draft of a story not completed yet. I can't really critique it since I don't know what you're planning on it. From what I see, I enjoyed it, but I pray that you don't make it fanfic about Doctor Who, because that's an awful idea.

DoctorWhat posted:

I'm trying to get a vide going that's sort of like "The Truth" by Avi, mixed with some traits from John Hodgman's occasional forays into "normal" fiction. I have an idea of where the story is going, but obviously all the details are very much up in the air.

I'm an uncultured swine and have never heard of those, so I can't tell you if you succeeded or not.

# ¿ Jul 31, 2014 20:40

flerp: Feb 25, 2014

Negative Entropy posted:

Trying to see how good I am at pulling in reader's attention and creating compelling characters.

This is all exposition and no action. You tell us everything that happens instead of showing us. I'm not interested in this story at all because I don't know how these people act. I get told them, but I want to see them in action. I feel very disconnected from the story. From a character stand point, I don't really care that much. That doesn't mean your characters are bad, it's just that I don't know who they are. This goes back to the previous problem of the telling instead of showing. I don't know how your characters act. They don't feel like actual people, just names on a piece of paper. I need to see them in action in order for me to care for them.

Also, if you wanted to get my attention, don't start with a boring sentence and then have a boring description, and then go into exposition. Give me some action from the start.

I would advise you to focus on a specific scene and write about that. For example, one of the times the father yelled at Aki. Instead of dumping all these character traits onto me with exposition, allow me to interpret the characters by seeing how they act in certain situations. That's a hell of a lot more interesting then some big rear end info dump.

# ¿ Dec 14, 2014 08:31

flerp: Feb 25, 2014

Abundant Atrophy posted:

�Now approaching,� The conductor said over the intercom. He paused and a different, deeper voice finished, �Frostivale, station 55.�

For those in the dining car it was a last call on orders, both alcohol and food. The stout man across from Pars took a sip of red wine from his glass, �Ah, almost there; are ye excite?�

Pars propped her head up with her elbow on the table between them. She�d been quiet the entire trip, responding to her coach in short yes or no answers. �Yea.� Telling, also really awkward when you say she responds in yes or no then answers with yes, feels kinda unnecessary for us to know that's how she usually responds, its kinda implicit or should be. also, he's her coach, why the hell is she so quiet and uncomfortable around him?

The man nodded. His green vest complimented the red cushioned booth. Her prior winnings what winnings? lottery? as i read through the story i understand now what you're saying but first time reading through, winnings doesn't make sense. had paid for winter-wear for both ~~he and she~~ i personally would change it to "both of them" but that's just me, and he wore the goose-down coat wrapped around his shoulders.

�Well ye could stand to look it.� He went back to his dinner of fish and potatoes why is this important?, �Bah, I don�t know what�s colder, out there,� he motioned with his fork, �This food, or your attitude.�

Pars took no offense and let her mind wander back to the passing scenery. Snow covered pines passed in an evergreen blur with the purple mountain range as a backdrop. ~~Regrettably~~, she didn't know the name of the mountains. The skies were a stark blue and through spots in the moving tree line she spotted a flock of birds. They were specks against the blue flying toward station 55. Were they migratory? Were they coming home or fleeing worse weather elsewhere? Pars found it fascinating any animal could scrape a living up here in Snow Country. Telling It was tundra for half the year and only a few months would there be any tourism. Pars wrapped her new scarf tighter around her neck to prevent a shiver. She�d be glad to get this tournament over with and be back below the border. This whole paragraph feels like forced setting establishment when right now it's not that important. In a short, settings need to be clear but not have that much focused on (aka, it was fine that she was in a train car and it was winter. I don't need to know about the mountain ranges or the birds or whatever the gently caress your talking about

�You�re not even listening. Great,� he let his fork drop. The clang brought Pars to attention.

�Sorry, Mr. Dale. You were saying.�

He laughed ~~at her promptness~~, �Glad that got yer attention. That�s good! Means when you�re out on the ice, the second that bell rings you�ll clobber the whole lot a� them.�

�Excuse me?�

Since they left the smoggy ~~urban~~ cities of New Prolix, Pars� mind ran through the rules and strategies she�d seen at the Frozen Blade Arena. While they were old memories, she knew none of which involved being on ice or clobbering.

Dale studied her face. He ~~abruptly~~ leaned in close, ~~almost~~ whispering for some reason people like to write almost whispering. like wtf does that even mean and how is that different from whispering? with the ~~bitter~~ wine on his breath, �You�re competing in the Ice Maul Arena, the no-holds-barred, all-for-one fight on a frozen lake.�

�What about Frozen Blade��

�They closed their doors months ago!� He scoffed. �Prolly budget reasons, maybe bad publicity. You know how people want more blood sports. Fencing isn�t gonna draw a crowd like it used to, sweetie.�

Pars sat back in her seat thinking how this arena would go.Telling How many people is all-for-one? No-holds-barred on a frozen lake sounded like a death sentence. Chillingly, that was likely the point.

�Sorry. Look, it�s just like Venom Fang, but you don�t gotta drink no poison, and there�s nine other contestants you can punch a bunch. It�ll be easier by my predicts.�

�Has anyone died?�

Dale lightly tapped his fork on his empty plate. He looked toward the bar as if an answer was in one of the many bottles.

�Dale,� she demanded. �Am I signed up for a death match?�

�Well, Venom Fang had sudden death, that�s the like��

�Dale!� Pars didn't mean to raise her voice, ~~but here they were~~ this little part just feels unnecessary to me.. She was a lightly seasoned contender in the arena scene, but never with death on the line. Even with the Venom Fang Arena, uses a non-lethal paralyzing agent or however they tell it.

�No need to shout,� Dale said, not looking her in the eyes. �So far there have been five deaths: two hypothermia, two drowning, and one to a fight in the audience.�

Pars slumped. ~~Dale tried to justify this,~~

�One of the drownings was a drunk in the stands who wandered onto the ice! The on-site medics have gotten better too, faster response time. The minute someone goes under, they�re outta the fight anyway so��

She was in disbelief.Telling She buried her face in her hands, �Why is this place still open?�

~~�What was that?�~~ Why do we need this line?

�How is this death trap still open?!�

Dale drank his wineglass empty and shrugged.

�People love their blood sports.� this is more of a style thing, but i think it sounds better as its own paragraph

It feels like generic fantasy without anything particularly interesting. The characters are pretty bland, with the protagonist's defining trait being literally quiet and boring and the other character being the cliche talkative dude that not-so-subtly gives exposition to the reader.

The biggest problem is that, well, nothing loving happens. They start with talking and then they end with talking. What happened? Why should I care? This feels like an introductory scene to a big fantasy novel but this is the whole story. There's just so little that happens in this story. The worst part is that for a story so short, so much of it is spent on details that don't really matter. Nobody cares if the dude is eating fish or if birds are migratory or not. Readers want to see things happen, so make things happen in your story.

I really hate the formatting, double line breaks just make the story look better and easier to read, so i adjusted it myself because gently caress the rules. I made a few suggestions with grammar and stuff, though I'm not an expert and may be wrong in some of them so . There's also a good amount of telling. You give us details on things that aren't important, but then you just tell us things rather then using those details to characterize or advance the plot. Kinda weird.

# ¿ May 9, 2015 22:59

flerp: Feb 25, 2014

mr meowzers posted:

Hm. Kinda wondering if I could get away with putting the reveal of her being a ghost at the end, or is that still trying too hard to be clever? I know that under 1000 words means being more direct and more telling rather than showing, but I feel like saying she's a ghost at the beginning is like explaining a joke before you tell it.

dude your story sucks. like, people are saying it's good in respect to it being some baseless interactions. you have no conflict, little action, just retrospectives and some character interactions that add up to nothing. if your whole story is "hey look this lady was a ghost the whole time" that's a boring rear end story that nobody will want to read. just say she's a ghost, then write about how the guy and her have to deal with some kind of conflict, and you can have an actual story.

Like, why are you so obsessed with hiding what your ghost is? to me, that only shows that that's the thing you think the story is about and that's a bad loving idea. if the point of the story is some kind of reveal type thing where the reader is supposed to go "ohhhh she was a ghost the whole time!" that is not satisfying to read. it just feels like you made an obtuse story that goes haha, got you, i was just writing vaguely so you werent completely sure and didnt see the ghost coming and that is an awful story. don't do that. don't hide important information, give the readers what we need to know, aka, that she is a ghost. then write an actual loving story rather then your stupid vignette.

# ¿ Sep 16, 2015 21:14

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# ¿ May 14, 2024 06:38

flerp: Feb 25, 2014

The Witness posted:

Thank you all for the feedback. Do any of you have resources for helping write sensory details and dialogue like the Saidisms link?

read things with sensory details and dialogue

# ¿ Jan 5, 2016 02:32

The Something Awful Forums > The Finer Arts > Creative Convention > The Farm 2013. Flash Fiction and Snippets Critique Hub (<1000 Words)