Box Office Mistakes, or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb(s)

The Something Awful Forums > The Finer Arts > Cinema Discusso > Box Office Mistakes, or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb(s)

CloseFriend: Aug 21, 2002; Un malheur ne vient jamais seul.

So I had this idea a few days ago that we at CineD, with our variegated and often outright weird opinions on films, should write a book. To that end, I want to collect essays from CineD regulars regarding films you love and, more to the point, why you love them.

Yes, I know, Goon Projects always fizzle. But I feel good about this. I have a core team assembled (myself and two others), and we have a pretty well fleshed-out plan.

The theme of this project: Hollywood's financial failures.

We'll accept the 20 best Goon-written, Goon-submitted essays on films that failed in Hollywood, which will comprise the book. At the moment, we plan to vanity-publish the book and sell it at $1 above cost, which we'll donate to a charity that I'll name later when I think of an appropriate one.^* (Also accepting ideas for a charity to donate to!)

September 16 Edit: We are now past the pitch stage and on to the writing stage! Participants, you now have until November 8 to get your piece written! Remember, we want 800-3000 words.

Here's the list of entrants and the movies they committed to write about�

AccountSupervisor: Sucker Punch
axleblaze: Looney Tunes: Back in Action, Strange Days
CloseFriend: Southland Tales, The Quest
Criminal Minded: Killer Joe
Dark Weasel: Margaret
Davros1: Escape from LA
Dissapointed Owl: The Majestic
Egbert Souse: Hugo
Fat Lou: Soldier
Filthy Hans: The Color of Night
General Ironicus: Chaplin
Hewlett: Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within
HypnoCabbage: Howard the Duck
Jay Dub: The Hudsucker Proxy
Jefferoo: Punisher: War Zone
LtKenFrankenstein: Ravenous
Maarak: Johnny Mnemonic
Maxwell Lord: The Avengers (1998)
mugrim: Sunshine
pancaek: Death to Smoochy
PateraOctopus: Dragonslayer
penismightier: Dangerous Game/The Body Snatchers
Pick: Treasure Planet
Professor Clumsy: Hulk
RandallODim: Josie & the Pussycats
Random Stranger: Constantine
Sheldrake: The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle
spaceships: Big Trouble in Little China
StoneOfShame: The Adventures of Baron Munchausen
Tars Tarkas: Tank Girl
Tharizdun: Deep Rising
TrixRabbi: Battleship
Twin Cinema: Scott Pilgrim vs. the World
TwistedLadder: Pacific Rim
Vargo: Prince of Persia, John Carter
Xenophon: The Big Year
Yoshifan823: Super Mario Bros.

For posterity, here's the information I had here before�

quote:

To have your essay considered, it should adhere to the following guidelines�
1. For the subject, you must choose a film whose budget exceeds the domestic total gross. (You can find the budget on Wikipedia and the domestic total gross on BoxOfficeMojo.) The film must have come premiered after 1980.
2. Write under either your real name or a sufficiently-convincing pseudonym.
3. Aim for 800-3000 words.
4. We won't accept shallow panegyrics. Explore the themes and overlooked elements of the film. Really dig in and convince us why we should pay to see a film that practically nobody else did. Rebut the opprobrium that others heaped on the films. Discuss vulgar auteurism, if you feel it applies. I'll welcome particularly novel, original, and most of all interesting analyses.
5. I strongly encourage�but won't require�screenshots. If you include screenshots, I'd appreciate captions to accompany them. Your review's text should not rely on the screenshots, since I may have to omit pictures for formatting reasons.
6. Personally, I'd love to see some essays regarding some of Hollywood's more notorious failures, like Waterworld, Ishtar, Boxing Helena, or Heaven's Gate. If you can justify Battlefield Earth or Zyzzyx Rd. (the lowest box office take in Hollywood history and, as I can attest, a loving awful film), I can practically guarantee you'll make the cut, because I�and probably the book's putative audience�have the utmost interest in seeing if anybody can pull that poo poo off.
7. We reserve the right to edit your piece for clarity and grammar. (The less of this I have to do, the better a chance your essay has of making the cut.)

So let's break down how this will go down�

You have until Sunday, September 15, 2013 to write a pitch for your piece. Tell us which film you want to cover and, preferably, why. Please put a pitch in this thread even if you've mentioned wanting to write about a certain movie elsewhere.

�

In case you have trouble thinking of any subjects, I'll list some suggestions, in no particular order: Battleship, Dredd, The Lone Ranger, John Carter, The Phantom, The Wolfman, The Adventures of Pluto Nash, Hudson Hawk, Jack the Giant Slayer, Sahara, Lost in Space, The Avengers (1998), Green Lantern, Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter, Cutthroat Island, Scott Pilgrim vs. the World, Speed Racer, The Postman, Town & Country, Howard the Duck, Ali, Super Mario Bros., Rocky V, Only the Strong, Cool World, Mars Attacks!, Tank Girl, Pacific Rim, Barb Wire, or if you want a total layup, Hugo. (Make sure to check the figures if you pick one not on the list. You might find yourself surprised by what made money, like Mortal Kombat: Annihilation, The Grey, or Godzilla (1998).)

I plan to write about Southland Tales myself.

So, let's have some pitches and claimed movies! And� GO!!!

You have until Friday, November 8, 2013 to write your piece. You can submit it via PM to me or to "turbandecay" at "live.com." (I prefer PMs. If you e-mail me, make sure to put the word "Essay" somewhere in the title or I'll probably mistake your e-mail for spam and act accordingly.) At that point, the panel will convene and compile the best essays into a first draft, edit it for clarity and grammar, then give the resulting second draft to the writers to review and revise for themselves. After those revisions, the book will go to final draft.

We'll sell the resulting book in paperback and electronically at one dollar above cost and donate that dollar to charity.

This thread is now dedicated to talking about your ideas and the relevant films. Take this thread to run ideas for your review by fellow posters. See if other people see this film in a way that gives you some ideas.

^* Don't expect to see any money from this. I thought about just putting the profits in our pockets, but way too much can go wrong with that.

EDIT: Deadline change.

CloseFriend fucked around with this message at 08:07 on Oct 29, 2013

# ¿ Sep 2, 2013 00:45

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# ¿ May 14, 2024 16:20

CloseFriend: Aug 21, 2002; Un malheur ne vient jamais seul.

HUNDU THE BEAST GOD posted:

Will you e-pub it? Self e-pub, that is. There is literally no reason not to.

Sure will! At the moment, I feel most inclined to go with Lulu.

# ¿ Sep 2, 2013 01:10

CloseFriend: Aug 21, 2002; Un malheur ne vient jamais seul.

gently caress it, I'll change the due date. How about October 19?

EDIT: Many thanks for the sticky, penismightier!

CloseFriend fucked around with this message at 02:05 on Sep 2, 2013

# ¿ Sep 2, 2013 01:14

CloseFriend: Aug 21, 2002; Un malheur ne vient jamais seul.

Incidentally, feel free to volunteer for more than one movie, guys. I'm considering several others myself.

# ¿ Sep 2, 2013 07:17

CloseFriend: Aug 21, 2002; Un malheur ne vient jamais seul.

Fatkraken posted:

How is whether a film was a flop or not calculated for non-American English language movies? This was a British film and did much better outside the US, it took $28m in non US territories compared to under $4m in the states.

In this case it's still a clear flop as the worldwide box office was lower than the budget (but only by about 20% rather than the 90% you would assume looking at the American numbers), but there are a lot of other British, Canadian, Irish, New Zealand, South African, Australian etc. films that are English Language movies that performed very poorly in America but made their money back in their home territories or in worldwide takings. Do you call the domestic gross the takings in their home country? Is this fair for films made in countries with small populations like NZ where the makers probably assume a more distributed box office? Should a non American film have to have a GLOBAL gross lower than it's budget to be considered a flop?

I knew someone would ask this, and I spent some time thinking about a response, to no avail. In this case, I'd call the point moot, since Sunshine didn't clear its budget anywhere. If someone comes up with a film that didn't make back its budget in its home country but did in America� I'll talk to my colleagues and we'll cross that bridge when we get to it.

Also, I've decided to add The Quest to my workload. In adapting the Street Fighter franchise, it feels like Van Damme split the material in two: the Street Fighter film inherited the characters and The Quest took its plot. Watching it "straight" will leave the viewer disappointed and annoyed, but trying consciously to appreciate it as a successor to Master of the Flying Guillotine or the Shaw Bros.' oeuvre (most prominently Prodigal Son) as well as a hilariously silly failure will at least mean 90 minutes of good, solid fun.

# ¿ Sep 5, 2013 22:02

CloseFriend: Aug 21, 2002; Un malheur ne vient jamais seul.

Noxville posted:

Well the one film that I was interested in doing was already claimed. In the OP. I'll have to see if I can find any other I'm enthusiastic enough about to write a couple thousand words for.

If you want Southland Tales, you're welcome to it. I thought about doing The Quest and Only the Strong, so I'll have my work cut out for me any which way.

# ¿ Sep 9, 2013 00:12

CloseFriend: Aug 21, 2002; Un malheur ne vient jamais seul.

TwistedLadder posted:

If it's decided that Pacific Rim doesn't count, then I'll write up a pitch for John Carter (with Vargo's permission, I know he was looking at doing a thing with live action Disney films).

It's fine by me, and I can't imagine the rest of the core group would have a problem with it.

# ¿ Sep 10, 2013 10:01

CloseFriend: Aug 21, 2002; Un malheur ne vient jamais seul.

Remember, everyone, pitches are due tomorrow, so if you want in this book, you gotta let us know by then! If we need an exact time for any reason, I'll say by 11:59 PM PST.

# ¿ Sep 14, 2013 23:44

CloseFriend: Aug 21, 2002; Un malheur ne vient jamais seul.

Well, we have our pitches! Here's the list!

AccountSupervisor: Sucker Punch
axleblaze: Looney Tunes: Back in Action, Strange Days
CloseFriend: Southland Tales, The Quest
Criminal Minded: Killer Joe
Dark Weasel: Margaret
Davros1: Escape from LA
Dissapointed Owl: The Majestic
Egbert Souse: Hugo
Fat Lou: Soldier
Filthy Hans: The Color of Night
General Ironicus: Chaplin
Hewlett: Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within
HypnoCabbage: Howard the Duck
Jay Dub: The Hudsucker Proxy
Jefferoo: Punisher: War Zone
LtKenFrankenstein: Ravenous
Maarak: Johnny Mnemonic
Maxwell Lord: The Avengers (1998)
mugrim: Sunshine
pancaek: Death to Smoochy
PateraOctopus: Dragonslayer
penismightier: Dangerous Game/The Body Snatchers
Pick: Treasure Planet
Professor Clumsy: Hulk
RandallODim: Josie & the Pussycats
Random Stranger: Constantine
Sheldrake: The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle
spaceships: Big Trouble in Little China
StoneOfShame: The Adventures of Baron Munchausen
Tars Tarkas: Tank Girl
Tharizdun: Deep Rising
TrixRabbi: Battleship
Twin Cinema: Scott Pilgrim vs. the World
TwistedLadder: Pacific Rim
Vargo: Prince of Persia, John Carter
Xenophon: The Big Year
Yoshifan823: Super Mario Bros.

I'm editing the OP as we speak. Thank you all very much for the work you've already done!

Also, now that the pitch stage is over, we get to the actually-hard part: writing.

This thread is now for discussing your project. Feel free to talk out your ideas with your fellow CineD denizens. Let us know how it's coming along. See what other people think of your movie and whether they have something to say that you may want to write in.

# ¿ Sep 17, 2013 01:10

CloseFriend: Aug 21, 2002; Un malheur ne vient jamais seul.

Tars Tarkas posted:

What format do you want these in?

I don't particularly care. I suppose a TXT file written in HTML is ideal.

# ¿ Sep 26, 2013 07:18

CloseFriend: Aug 21, 2002; Un malheur ne vient jamais seul.

I plan on making mine similar to what I post on my blog, if that helps.

# ¿ Sep 27, 2013 07:28

CloseFriend: Aug 21, 2002; Un malheur ne vient jamais seul.

LtKenFrankenstein posted:

Hey, CloseFriend! Is there a standardized way you would like our essays to format film titles? I generally use italics but for you, I can change.

Italics work for me!

# ¿ Oct 6, 2013 17:32

CloseFriend: Aug 21, 2002; Un malheur ne vient jamais seul.

So I'll probably not have time to get my own submissions done before the bell, so I'm passing that savings onto you: the new due date is November 1. Enjoy!

# ¿ Oct 6, 2013 19:28

CloseFriend: Aug 21, 2002; Un malheur ne vient jamais seul.

Jefferoo posted:

Just to double check, submissions are text-only, right? Still need to crank out my Punisher: War Zone piece.

Text with italics for film titles and emphasis. You can attach pictures if you want, as long as the article doesn't rely on them.

# ¿ Oct 18, 2013 04:28

CloseFriend: Aug 21, 2002; Un malheur ne vient jamais seul.

LtKenFrankenstein posted:

General survey-ish question: About how long are people's essays turning out? I finished a first draft today of about 2000 words, which feels kinda long-winded to me despite being 2/3 of the word limit (and despite feeling like I could easily write more about this movie). Where are other people at?

(PS CloseFriend - Did you get my email?)

Read and replied! I gotta new e-mail account; that one's loving waterlogged with spam.

# ¿ Oct 26, 2013 20:39

CloseFriend: Aug 21, 2002; Un malheur ne vient jamais seul.

Extension number 2! You now have until November 8. Somehow I don't think my colleagues will mind, because I know they're busy like me.

# ¿ Oct 29, 2013 08:06

CloseFriend: Aug 21, 2002; Un malheur ne vient jamais seul.

Happy to help! I'd also like to point out that I won't be a sticker about the due date; I'm not generally a "my way or the highway" kind of person. So don't go discarding your work if you don't have it perfect by then. If it's a little overdue, I won't mind at all. I'm more than cognizant that everyone involved is busy (myself absolutely included). I don't have mine done either, and I won't hold you guys to a higher standard than I'd hold myself.

# ¿ Oct 30, 2013 06:07

CloseFriend: Aug 21, 2002; Un malheur ne vient jamais seul.

To remind you, your essays are due tomorrow!!!

But don't panic. That due date has no teeth whatsoever. If you're late, I'll understand. Just get them to me "soon-ish."

# ¿ Nov 7, 2013 08:40

CloseFriend: Aug 21, 2002; Un malheur ne vient jamais seul.

Maxwell Lord posted:

What format do you want these in? I figured RTF would work but I'm not sure how you'd work in pictures.

I'm not terrifically picky. HTML, BBcode, RTF, PDF, whatever floats your boat. I'd rather you sent me any stills separately and didn't have the article mention them, though. In all probability, I'll have to cut some stills for brevity, so I want to avoid having to change the text accordingly.

# ¿ Nov 8, 2013 18:27

CloseFriend: Aug 21, 2002; Un malheur ne vient jamais seul.

PateraOctopus posted:

Aaaaaalmost done. Just need to give it the once-over and I'll send it out after work tomorrow. Please please let me still submit this, I've worked too drat much and had way too much fun for this baby to never see the light of day.

Of course.

# ¿ Nov 14, 2013 08:47

CloseFriend: Aug 21, 2002; Un malheur ne vient jamais seul.

Update time, mofoes!

So here are the essays I've gotten�

Hewlett: Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within
LtKenFrankenstein: Ravenous
Maxwell Lord: The Avengers (1998)
PateraOctopus: Dragonslayer
Random Stranger: Constantine
Sheldrake: The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle
Tars Tarkas: Tank Girl

I apologize for how dilatory I've been with this project over the past few months; real life worked a number on me.

Anyway, as you can see, this falls short of the twenty essays I wanted to get. But I have the utmost appreciation for those of you who did the work, and I don't want to let it all go unrewarded. I'm going to talk to the rest of my panel immediately and figure out where to go from here next.

EDIT: No matter what, canceling this project is an absolute last resort; the seven essays I got are all very well done and the last thing I want to do is discard good writing.

CloseFriend fucked around with this message at 22:01 on Dec 16, 2013

# ¿ Dec 16, 2013 08:20

CloseFriend: Aug 21, 2002; Un malheur ne vient jamais seul.

Random Stranger posted:

I sent mine via private message on October 28th.

Edit: If it's rejected because you don't want it, that's fine but the low number of responses indicates to me that there's a real possibility that many of them are lost.

It's in. My mistake!

It does appear that many of our would-be authors have let the project fall through the cracks, which is understandable. Life happens. I'll still accept any essays. I'm currently debating what form this project will take from here. I'm considering filling in the gaps myself, but that would take me a very, very long time, so I'd like to get more submissions if people would still like to send 'em in.

# ¿ Dec 16, 2013 20:27

CloseFriend: Aug 21, 2002; Un malheur ne vient jamais seul.

Maxwell Lord posted:

Would you consider multiple pieces by authors? Because I was starting to think it's a shame there's no essay for Speed Racer.

Ab. So. Lute. Ly. In fact, my main plan if I don't get more submissions is to write the rest myself, and I really don't want to do that unless I have to.

Vargo posted:

Now that Lone Ranger is available on-demand, I can watch it and decide whether to make a "Live Action Disney Failure" trifecta, because the title "The 'Pirates' Curse" is too good not to write an essay off of.

You gotta do this, because I gotta read it.

# ¿ Dec 16, 2013 22:00

CloseFriend: Aug 21, 2002; Un malheur ne vient jamais seul.

To answer all of you, if you can get 'em in, I'll accept them!

# ¿ Dec 17, 2013 02:39

CloseFriend: Aug 21, 2002; Un malheur ne vient jamais seul.

Yeah, this project's in limbo at the moment, and I don't really see how I can pull it out of limbo. I take responsibility; it's my fault and I apologize. I didn't anticipate a large number of things changing in my life when I dreamed up the project. I still have all the essays; I don't think there's enough material for a book-length manuscript, but if anyone has any ideas for what I can do with them so all that wonderful work doesn't go to waste, consider me all ears.

# ¿ Apr 11, 2014 06:06

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# ¿ May 14, 2024 16:20

CloseFriend: Aug 21, 2002; Un malheur ne vient jamais seul.

Roadie posted:

Add up what you do have, see how much more in the way of material would be needed to get it to book-length, and hand over the project to somebody else if necessary to get another round of submissions to finish it out.

Any takers?

# ¿ Apr 13, 2014 19:41

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