Teketeketeketeke posted:

My cousin's almost-3 year-old:
"The planets go around the sun but I can open this banana."

(To destroy the profoundness of the statement: his working theory is that she was patiently repeating the scientific information, but was really more interested in eating the banana )

Dekenai posted:

Another time, my mum took the daughter out for the day, so my son and I spent the day doing stuff together. Late in the day:
Son: "What time will (sister) be home?"
Me: "About 7."
Son: (looks at the clock) "Then we have 50 minutes to pack and get out of here."

pookel posted:

1. When his gym class did archery, he put great effort into paying attention to the directions and doing everything correctly. Meanwhile, the girl behind him was goofing around and didn't know what to do. He turned around and said severely "Did you fail to listen to the instructions?"

Chamale posted:

They're not using real arrows, right? We weren't allowed to do archery until high school, and someone still managed to shoot himself with an arrow.

quote:

Me to [kid] after the 4th time I dumped a bowl of water that was sitting on the floor in his room:
"Your kitty is imaginary, and therefore it drinks imaginary water. Real water makes messes and makes real mamas angry."

[Kid]: "I don't have any imaginary water! I really did look for it everywhere!"

quote:

[Precocious autistic kid], examining a Cheeto puff: "This an object with zero corners! That mean it has curves! How many sides it have? A round object have circles all over the place."

bringmyfishback posted:

Some highlights from Rihanna's final exam:
Firstly, goddess Bringmyfishback comes from America. She has amazing boobs. I love beautiful girls with big boobs. Probably I don't have them. I'm pretty sure that I will enjoy these superb boobs. In USA, I can enjoy them all day.

quote:

I tell her don't bring any money, because I am rich! but she says "Don't gently caress with me, I don't love your money!" and then I'm no words.

quote:

'Mom, why did the man shoot Abraham Lincoln in the theater? Was he talking during the movie?'

quote:

After our first talk about sex and babies my then 4 year old asked me "how did daddy get a new penis after he put his inside of you?"

MisterBibs posted:

The kid we babysit noticed a bunch of shot glasses we had drying on the counter, and asked "Why do you have baby glasses?"

I explained that they are called shot glasses, and that they are for big boys and girls when they don't want to drink a lot of something. He seemed to accept that.

Few hours later, his mom calls us. Evidently the kid thinks he's a big boy (at 5), so when asked about what he wanted to drink with his snack, he replied "I'm not too thirsty, can I get a shot glass of apple juice?"

Astrofig posted:

So my store got two big coolers full of soft drinks and water a few months back. This morning at work a little 4-year-old brings her bottle of Sprite to the counter, slaps it down and hollers, 'I got a beer!'

quote:

That awkward moment when your polling place is in a church and your raised-by-atheists 3-year old loudly criticizes Jesus's wardrobe choices while waiting in line. "That guy should have shoes on. It's so cold!" "Look, he even got holes in his feet from having no shoes. That was a bad decision!"

sharktamer posted:

pssst your posts always come across more racist than cute

ThatSlacker posted:

My daughter and I were cooking things in the kitchen and I dropped a bit of food. As I picked it up and put it in the garbage she asked "why don't you just push it under the cabinet?" I explained that I'm the one that normally cleans the kitchen and that I'd just have to clean it up later anyway. She replied "I think Mom takes advantage of that."

Yes, yes she does.

lemon-lyme disease posted:

(Sorry. The r/incel thread has damaged us all.)

lemon-lyme disease posted:

I was going to say "happily!" but that makes me seem more deranged than I actually am. Not by much, but a little.

https://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=3806850&perpage=40

e: phone-posting. I think that link should get you where you wantasked to go.

Grand Fromage posted:

Rihanna was one of the ringleaders in a student strike today, where they all took over the office and spent hours yelling at the principal/refusing to go back to class. There's a manifesto taped to the principal's computer and when I left they'd stolen fancy padded chairs from somewhere and replaced the lovely ones in their classroom with them.

This is unrelated to the previous manifesto and not exactly a thing someone said but since there are fans here I thought I'd update.

sneakyfrog posted:

i think your kids may be Jrpg characters

Pastry of the Year posted:

quote:

When Strangis was about three years old and living in a raised ranch house in Brockton, Massachusetts, a suburb of Boston, he pulled a pair of dice out of his pocket and uttered, “Baby needs a new pair of shoes.”

U-DO Burger posted:

My five year old daughter and I were reading a book on the human body and she said that if your skin was gone you'd just be a skeleton. I mentioned that this would kill you. She didn't agree.

"Sometimes skeletons can be alive. One time I went to Skeleton Park and a bunch of skeletons attacked me but I defeated all of them because I had 500 HP and they only had 1 HP and then they turned into normal skeletons."

Subjunctive posted:

You had really good handwriting for 6 years old!

Fleta Mcgurn posted:

I'm gonna a put a third "hi!" into "hyperlexia." What's up, y'all?

omnibobb posted:

I was talking to my son tonight and he told me he was happy for the long weekend and I asked if he knew why it was a long weekend and he said "yeah, its martin luther king junior day." I asked him if he knew why mlk jr gets a day to honor him and he said "yeah, he stopped bad things from happening to brown people." "What kind of things?" I asked.

He goes "Brown people had to use old rusty stuff and white people had new stuff!"