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The other day a friend asked my 3 year old son if he had a girlfriend yet. He responded "yeah!" and held up his left hand in a fist. I almost fell over laughing. One other - while we were trick or treating a little girl about 3 is coming the opposite direction and turns into the same house we are about to go to. My son walks up to her and says "Hi little monster!" My wife gasps and then says "no no, she's a princess!" "Oh, ok! Hi little princess!" And then they all happily went up to the house to trick or treat. Keystoned has a new favorite as of 04:14 on Nov 4, 2013 |
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Nov 4, 2013 04:06
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We were at a restraurant a week ago and my wife was wearing a low cut shirt. My six year old daughter looks at her and says "Mom, your boob crack is showing." I love me some boob crack!
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Nov 13, 2013 16:31
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omnibobb posted:I turned on the car one time and there was an Eminem song on and he says "gently caress" very loudly and clearly before I can turn it down. I read this and then a few minutes later had to scrill back up to see if I had posted it. I'm still not sure you're not me. I was at store with my wife and daughter and my wife walked off to get something. Daughter : Where did mom go? Me : i dont know, i guess shes gone? Daughter : ok, we can just get a new one at the store! Me : oh yeah, what kind of mommy would you like to get? Daughter : lets get a black one! Me : im willing to try if you are! Also my son told me the other day that on of the girls at his preschool is really sweet because she always sleeps with him. I answered "she sounds really sweet son!"
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Apr 1, 2015 21:31
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Last night at dinner my son was saying something about how when I die he gets do do something. My wife said she doesnt want me to die so he changed it to her, then his sister. When we got done explaining we dont want anyone to have to die he threw his arms across his chest, stuck out his lip and said "fine, I guess I wont kill anyone then!"
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Apr 21, 2015 14:28
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We went to a local pizza place last night and my 4yr son stops at the door and says "oh, neat, you can bring guns here!" They had up a no smoking sign but didnt have the no weapons sign so of course that means "everyone bring your guns!"
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May 13, 2015 14:51
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Basically yeah. They became a lot more common as concealed carry laws got more lax, and now that they've removed even the requirement for a liscense they are basically everywhere. Thanks Kansas! If everyone has a gun on them at all times with absolutely no training whatsoever "apparently the 2 hour class was too restrictive on freedoms!" then nothing can possibly go wrong! Same kid yesterday was playing mario kart 8 and got first place / a gold cup. I told him he won the prize and when he excitedly asked what the prize was I told him "a nap!" He looked at me straighfaced and totally deadpan said "thats a pretty crappy prize dad..."
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May 21, 2015 15:45
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Playing hangman with my daughter last night and she gets to come up with the word. Ok, Ill give you a hint. This is a four letter word and mom loves it! So many options... Also my son was describing a super hero game he played over the weekend and all the cool powers he got. "I have speed power, I have strong power, I have color power," "Wait, whats color power?" "It lets me change peoples color. Like this! White power! Fwoosh!" As he said white power he thrust his hand out, obviously shooting his power but it easily could have been a heil hitler sign.
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Sep 8, 2015 20:22
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I was watching dawn of the planet of the apes yesterday and my son (5) came in and watched a bit. Its at the part where the apes attack the human base and hes cheering on the apes. I tell him that the apes are trying to kill the people, doesnt he want to cheer for the people? His response... No, I see people all the time. I never see apes. I hope the apes win! ... Its a fine line between genius and sociopath. Ill have to keep an eye on this kid.
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Oct 20, 2015 04:19
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Right this second im in the movie theatre bathroom with my five year old. The guy on the stall next to us has very loud gas and my son is losing his goddamn mind laughing like crazy. Every time the guy farts he goes into another bout of laughter.
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Dec 19, 2015 16:31
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My wife was offering my son 5 $1 for every good week of school he could string together. He replied "how about one dollar AND 20 cents?" His sister then says "why 1.20?" To which he replied very seriously "because then I would have even more money!"
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Mar 10, 2016 14:52
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Rhyming with my son yesterday: Me: You ara a funky funky funky monkey! Kid: You are a cunty cunty cunty bunty! drat son. Also when I sent that to my wife she agreed with him. Also on the topic of drawings, my son also has a picture of a building and it is on fire. Then the teacher superimposed a picture of him smiling with his red crayon over the top of it. Also its two buildings. Two tall buildings ... Basically it looks like my child is standing over the top of the burning twin towers with a demonic grin on his face like "look what I did!"
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Oct 7, 2016 15:21
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CaptainCrunch posted:Observed at the mall yesterday. Fantastic kid. Fantastic parents.
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Jan 10, 2017 16:38
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Apparently my son (6) yesterday after school while ball with a group of friends. One kids drops the ball. My kid: Oh what the loving hell! Also our normal morning conversation. Me: Goodbye son! Have a great day! Him: Goodbye butt! Have a great butt! Or Goodbye fart! Have lots of farts today! Or Goodbye butt fart! I hope you get lots of farts out of your butt at your butt work today!
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Mar 15, 2017 23:24
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I just remembered one. I made up a bunch of scrambled eggs to stuff into breakfast burritos and freeze for future meals. My Daughter (9): These eggs remind me of the egg guy on sesame street who's made out of eggs! Me: . . . . who? is that a new character? Her: I don't think so . . . he's the egg-man, you know the guy made out of eggs? Me: . . . . Her: . . . Me: . . . do you mean big bird? Her: Yeah! That's him! Me: . . . he's a bird. Like a chicken. He's not made out of eggs . . . Her: ohhhhhhh!!!! The eggs were yellow and fluffy. They really did look like big bird, but how she made the connection that big bird was made out of eggs because my scrambled eggs were the same color as him I do not know. . . .
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Mar 18, 2017 04:15
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My son today. Hey dad, why is Tom Hanks’s hand stuck in a pickle jar? Why son? Because he wants a pickle! Referring to this skit which we both found hilarious. https://youtu.be/Ch_hoYPPeGc
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Sep 21, 2018 19:15
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Im not kidding. When im joking.... (Dramatic pause) I say Knock. Knock.
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Apr 5, 2019 13:42
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| # ¿ May 6, 2024 02:06 |
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Tonight Me: where you all going? Wife: out for cigarettes (joke) 10 yo Son: yah, we’re gonna smoke some grass Wife: wtf, you dont know what grass is Son: do too! Its weed! Wife: wtf! How do you know that? Son: im smart! *starts dancing* Me: wtf..... Neither one of us smoke so its not like weed is a common subject around the house. No clue where that all came from. Gonna blame fortnite.
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Feb 7, 2021 03:45
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