Creating Terrible Movies in the Name of Jesus: Christian Movie Megathread

The Something Awful Forums > The Finer Arts > Cinema Discusso > Creating Terrible Movies in the Name of Jesus: Christian Movie Megathread

coyo7e: Aug 23, 2007; by zen death robot

I'm really sad that this thread has almost no mention of Revelation Road. That series is so bonkers. It literally begins with a mild-mannered gun salesman roving around an apocalyptic wasteland until he finds a gun shop run by a man who won't do business unless he finds Jesus Christ. Bad Guys show up led by Thor,and the mild-mannered gun salesman wakes up to realize hey he is in a gun store and he has a truckload of guns, because Jesus made him a lousy salesman just to go and kill bikers.

They go downhill rapidly but the first one is worth a good thirty minutes at least.

# ¿ Jun 9, 2015 07:43

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# ¿ May 14, 2024 06:08

coyo7e: Aug 23, 2007; by zen death robot

Mr Ice Cream Glove posted:

I don't want to copy paste the entire thing but someone reviewed Audacity and good god I want to see it (I'm not paying $20)

The twist is fantastic

http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friend...ous-evangelism/

The sister is a lesbian

That image taken out of context doesn't make quite as much sense. But when you realize that within context, it's a Christian who just performed a selfless act to stop a criminal and then spent an inordinate amount of time bragging about it, then taking pictures of a sinner who hasn't been given a chance to repent their sins. I mean the window's down bro, whip you that bible and tell that guy how he's acting on sin because he's full of evil spirits and poo poo, don't rub it in by taking selfies.

quote:

�Repent and trust alone in him. It�s like you trust a parachute. When you jump out of a plane, you don�t save yourself by flapping your arms.�

No when you jump out of a plane, you reach up and pull a ripcord, setting off a mechanical process in which your 'chute deploys (if it was folded etc properly). You've also got a backup 'chute.

If you jump out of a plane and then close your eyes and just trust in your parachute, you'll end up being scraped up off the ground with a really big spatula. For Jesus.

Hat Thoughts posted:

https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/318676760/darcis-walk-of-shame/?ref=kicktraq

Okay this made me lose it.

quote:

At just $1, you can still be a part of the project, and you'll receive exclusive backer updates throughout the production! Every $1 will help Darci take her walk of shame.

coyo7e fucked around with this message at 00:32 on Jul 6, 2015

# ¿ Jul 6, 2015 00:29

coyo7e: Aug 23, 2007; by zen death robot

Was thumbing through netflix and it recommended some stuff based on my watching Revelation Road 3, my favorite being Brother White, another DARW joint, where a pastor named "white" goes to an inner city church to teach the blacks about Jesus. It also recommended Green Street Hooligans 3, which is just a lovely bloodsport-wannabe movie with Scott Adkins, and American Warships, which is about a naval vessel fighting aliens.

# ¿ Jul 6, 2015 19:58

coyo7e: Aug 23, 2007; by zen death robot

K. Waste posted:

The thing I love about that premise is how little sense it makes. The cultural stereotype is that Black people are really hardcore Christians, not that they need the grace of white people. It would make way more sense if it were about a Black preacher who came to a mostly white, secularized neighborhood and tried to stir them up.

Also, they managed to fit not one but two racist pun/jokes into the title.

# ¿ Jul 7, 2015 07:20

coyo7e: Aug 23, 2007; by zen death robot

SocketWrench posted:

In fairness I think he meant trusting in it to work. But see, I wouldn't. I'd hope it would work, and hope the backup would in case. But if I trust it to work I won't respond right if it doesn't.

Yup we're not disagreeing in any way that I can see - but god is not an empirically-tested safety device which all responsible citizens are required by law to wear when they are performing a semi-dangerous act.. Unless your scientist was the lady who taught your sunday school classes when you were 6.

DeusExMachinima posted:

For conservative movies that are mainstream and not Bibleman levels of explicit, how's Faster starring the Rock back in 2010? If you've seen it you know what I'm talking about in Act 3. But the movie was a pretty good deconstruction of the standard grizzled action hero out for revenge that stood on its own IMHO.

Don't recall that one offhand however, The Rock has starred in at least a couple of really weirdly morally/socially questionable movie lately.. My favorite being the one where his privileged white son gets nailed for having a (pretty large) bag of Ecstasy on him when he gets arrested, so the cops try and force the kid to narc on a huge cartel kingpin... Instead The Rock steps in and decides to Go Undercover himself, by harassing one of his recovering-addict employees at his contracting firm, until the guy agrees to help him score drugs off some scary mexican people. I think that was the first 20-25 minutes and it gets even crazier from there. Probably a couple crucifix imagery scenes thrown in though because it was totally that kind of white christian power fantasy movie where a good wholesome american small business owner starts buying drugs from random hoods and ends up bringing down an entire cartel FOR HIS FAMILY!!1!!!one!!

coyo7e fucked around with this message at 01:39 on Jul 29, 2015

# ¿ Jul 29, 2015 01:35

coyo7e: Aug 23, 2007; by zen death robot

I stumbled across a blog where someone reads through a terrible christian sf-f novel, it's pretty entertaining.

http://www.pretty-terrible.com/2015/05/28/bad-life-decisions-make-me-read-theodore-beale/

# ¿ Aug 25, 2015 21:07

coyo7e: Aug 23, 2007; by zen death robot

PassTheRemote posted:

So is Jesus Halo now?

I'm not sure, I stepped into it at the next to last and last chapter but holy poo poo is it poorly written, by someone who clearly has no idea how to realistically portray anything that doesn't agree with his worldview. I wish the blog wasn't a succession of tweets a lot of the time however it's still cute, and reminds me of a light attempt at the Wild Cards let's play itt

edit: this "let's read" is pretty great, to be fair. Chapter 6 - "protagonist is tempted by totally-not-satan-we-gotta-reveal-this-poo poo-in-chapter-30 into breaking through the gates of heaven" (why yes, the gates are made of a pearl of great value)

followed by (in another chapter)

also spoilers: Jesus watches you masturbate - or watches your sex dreams - whatever, he'll still hold your hand a whole lot.

coyo7e fucked around with this message at 03:45 on Aug 26, 2015

# ¿ Aug 26, 2015 01:56

coyo7e: Aug 23, 2007; by zen death robot

Samuel Clemens posted:

Probably most Western authors before the 20th century.

That's also mainly because nobody asked them any difficult questions which had relevance in modern times

Also CS Lewis was profoundly scarred by war times, which apparently is largely why treacle and other poo poo is fetishized - when you're living on a ration of half-ounce of meat a week and one chocolate bar a month, it becomes a big deal I guess.

Still don't like sweets and that poo poo always annoyed me as a kid.

# ¿ Aug 28, 2015 00:11

coyo7e: Aug 23, 2007; by zen death robot

Forgall posted:

Wait, so they aren't fighting demons or anything, just a failing marriage?

I saw the title and the images on the poster and straight-up assumed it was a movie about american soldiers fighting terrorists or something.

so much sepia

Samovar posted:

What about Oh Brother, Where Art Thou? Was that ever popular in the nutter evangelical circles?

I can't recall the part where Homer stopped and told everybody at length in the middle of the Odyssey, about Jesus' love and how it will save their souls - so no, it was a period piece with a specific theme for the imagery and soundtrack which did not match what it was actually about - irony if you will

coyo7e fucked around with this message at 03:28 on Sep 3, 2015

# ¿ Sep 3, 2015 03:24

coyo7e: Aug 23, 2007; by zen death robot

The Kins posted:

Gears of War 4 looks like a bit of a departure from the rest of the series stylistically...

Because the guy on the cover has a neck?

# ¿ Oct 15, 2015 19:43

coyo7e: Aug 23, 2007; by zen death robot

Cardboard Box A posted:

The Iron Giant

The whole self sacrifice and death and rebirth bits are obvious as anything, but you can really get a lot out of the non-violence and de-escalation themes too.

http://www.wired.com/2009/08/a-decade-later-the-iron-giants-weaponized-soul-still-stirs/

As mentioned before, Iron Man is a fantastic secular conversion story, but for all the appeal of a weapons manufacturer who dedicates himself to peace after nearly dying to his own weapons, it ultimately leaves unquestioned the same base assumptions about the ability of violence and power fantasies to bring peace that virtually all superhero films, and action films in general, do. The Iron Giant presents a different point of view. Perhaps that is why the Iron Giant was a colossal failure at the box office, and Iron Man one of the biggest hits of the past decade.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m-TTwFujxU0

You're overlooking the whole thing where Iron Man is never redeemed, ends up working for Big Gubmint, and then Captain America and his band of rebelling true patriots kick the poo poo out of him for turning into a Nazi. Also Tony Stark's got crippling alcoholism and other mental health problems. He does need jesus but he constantly fails to live up to any set of christian values, instead bowing to capitalistic and government-based absolvement.

# ¿ Oct 27, 2015 17:55

coyo7e: Aug 23, 2007; by zen death robot

MrBling posted:

No but seriously to that person in the church, watch Groundhog Day in your church group. Everybody will like it and there are lots of things to discuss when you're done.

andie macdowell was fine as hell in the 90s. discuss

# ¿ Oct 27, 2015 23:37

coyo7e: Aug 23, 2007; by zen death robot

Cardboard Box A posted:

I'm just taking the first movie on it's own instead of as part of the Marvel Cinematic Universe

I'll die happy if they go up to and through the Civil War in the movies, but I suspect it'd be way too politically volatile to have half of the most popular heroes from Marvel film and comics, literally become the Illuminati and work with weirdos like Namor and Black Bolt, and then have Captain America be like, "yo, you dudes are sick and twisted ya know?"

# ¿ Oct 29, 2015 00:11

coyo7e: Aug 23, 2007; by zen death robot

What about porn remakes of popular Christian movies?

# ¿ Nov 8, 2015 20:34

coyo7e: Aug 23, 2007; by zen death robot

FuzzySkinner posted:

Why would anyone give a poo poo about someone bringing up Jesus Christ as it relates to some educational concept such as something to do with philosophy, history or english?

Like I can't see an atheist getting up in arms for example if they mentioned that Martin Luther King Jr. was a minister and practiced his beliefs based on his faith. That's historical fact and something worthy of discussion. It's also not endorsing a particular faith or forcing one to pray.

The whole concept is a tad bit silly.

Google up the definition of white privilege, and then replace "white" with "Christian".

Why would anyone give a poo poo about someone teaching a white-oriented curriculum as it relates to some educational concept such as something to do with philosophy, history, or english?

# ¿ Nov 9, 2015 13:52

coyo7e: Aug 23, 2007; by zen death robot

Grendels Dad posted:

Fully agreed to the second part. As for the first part, I just find it weird that "fairy-tale" is used as some sort of insult. It's only an insult if you ignore how important fairy-tales have been over the course of history. They absolutely can have poetry, philosophical discourses and histories as well, but colloquially a fairy-tale is just something that isn't true these days and that's sad.

It's an intentional infantalization of their belief system. Sam Harris does this all the time by referring to people who have "spooky" beliefs. Since fairy tales are nominally for children, it's an easy line to say, and then dismiss whomever disagrees as childish or otherwise inferior, hopefully angering them as well.

# ¿ Nov 10, 2015 15:12

coyo7e: Aug 23, 2007; by zen death robot

thedaian posted:

That narration is incredibly monotone. It's almost impressive. No one can be that monotone without the assistance of demons.

It seems to almost be a hallmark of a certain flavor of religious nut who posts these long rambling videos about conspiracies against jesus that they have the flat monotone of a schizophrenic or a serial killer in full dissociative mode.

If that vaticanmonastery.com guy is an actual priest, I'm pretty sure all the other priests know he's fully crazy and just keep him somewhere away from children.

# ¿ Jan 15, 2016 02:01

coyo7e: Aug 23, 2007; by zen death robot

Ensign_Ricky posted:

So uh...THIS is a thing that's happening apparently...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bI8LYSAUZCU

Where did all those kids find that many blank white baseball caps, and why did they wear them? Also why does she dress like Blossom?

AT COLUMBINE - based on a TRUE STORY

I mean I went to school in the same county at the same time as the Columbine shootings - never saw one of those weird blank caps anywhere, ever, outside of music videos.

coyo7e fucked around with this message at 08:58 on Apr 3, 2016

# ¿ Apr 3, 2016 08:55

coyo7e: Aug 23, 2007; by zen death robot

cptn_dr posted:

http://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2016/feb/14/mother-supposed-know-son-columbine-sue-klebold
This is also worth reading - an interview with Klebold's mother.

Suffice to say that it's really easy for a parent to overlook just how damaged their own kid is, and how most physicians will also ignore it, or just threaten to commit them to a psych ward (which will teach the kid to just lie about it until the cows come home).

I was never a trenchcoat-mafia kid but I grew up in the same emo kurt cobain-idolizing era, and nobody outside of that age group really understood it back then, and they were all more interested in just saying to boot-straps past it or STFU.

# ¿ Apr 3, 2016 09:28

coyo7e: Aug 23, 2007; by zen death robot

It all stems from the same white alpha male power fantasy that is so prevalent in the US at least - where people honestly believe that they can effectively defend themselves and their families from nebulous dangers by owning a gun and being willing to use it on someone. Believing you could change history by erasing one person goes a long way toward not realizing how much momentum was going on toward a figure like Hitler doing exactly what he did and getting away with it.

# ¿ Aug 2, 2016 19:30

coyo7e: Aug 23, 2007; by zen death robot

MonsieurChoc posted:

I'd like to make a movie about a Native American going back in time to stop the genocide of his people.

I'm sure that if they just went back and killed Christopher Columbus' mother, nobody would have come and colonized

# ¿ Aug 3, 2016 06:07

coyo7e: Aug 23, 2007; by zen death robot

Mr Ice Cream Glove posted:

So Ben Hur came out this weekend and it absolutely bombed

Rather watch this

coyo7e posted:

Also if anybody knows where to watch this online I'd be grateful, I think I can't afford to miss it.

From some of the teaser stuff I've seen, that kid is even homelier on-screen

# ¿ Aug 24, 2016 05:14

coyo7e: Aug 23, 2007; by zen death robot

Mr Ice Cream Glove posted:

David is just mad he wasn't invited to Kirks bday

Who needs friends when Jesus is carrying you along the beach, toward a feast of Subway footlongs

# ¿ Sep 6, 2016 01:07

coyo7e: Aug 23, 2007; by zen death robot

Feldegast42 posted:

This is one of the saddest pictures I have ever seen in my life.

only because Jesus' love is invisible

# ¿ Sep 8, 2016 05:34

coyo7e: Aug 23, 2007; by zen death robot

I think that if you live a life steeped in Christ then you will see him under every bed skirt and use it as an excuse , so why not use it as an escape hatch from logic just the same as Jesus' forgiveness gives you an escape hatch from acting like a lovely person and then seeing yourself as forgiven?

# ¿ Sep 8, 2016 08:37

coyo7e: Aug 23, 2007; by zen death robot

Jack Gladney posted:

But how could he tell unless he mastered the original texts? Unless he's a religious hypocrite whose every position is completely worthless, I mean.

Recently I saw somewhere (maybe in this thread) a meme that was like, "IF YOU COULD ASK GOD ONE QUESTION WHAT WOULD IT BE" with all sorts of weird subtexts in the imagery etc about how wink wink nudge nudge you shoudl ask for forgiveness or to be saved from hell..

I immediately thought, "I'd like to ask god, "how much of the stuff in the bible - old and new testament - is actually poo poo that you said or did or laid down as law, and how much was just made up by assholes?'"

# ¿ Sep 13, 2016 07:10

coyo7e: Aug 23, 2007; by zen death robot

Ensign_Ricky posted:

She was Weird Al's love interest in UHF. I was shocked to find out she is literally a crazy person.

And a proud bigot.

http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation/2014/03/18/victoria-jackson-conservative-values/6585043/

quote:

"He's afraid of me?!" she wrote in her web post, which included statistics claiming large numbers of terror attacks committed in the name of Islam and none by other religions. "According to these statistics, I should be afraid of him!"

# ¿ Nov 25, 2016 00:58

coyo7e: Aug 23, 2007; by zen death robot

RIP Bill Maher

# ¿ Nov 25, 2016 04:47

coyo7e: Aug 23, 2007; by zen death robot

DStecks posted:

Maher and Hitchens were always douchebags

It took a while for me to remember: but Sam Harris. He's the guy who loves to dismiss anything involving religion and spirituality in really degrading terms, "spooky" is one that comes to mind but he's got a like, black-belt in using it to make someone sound stupid s gently caress in the moment.

But basically anybody who will go on Joe Rogan's podcast is a great example of shithead atheists

# ¿ Nov 26, 2016 02:57

coyo7e: Aug 23, 2007; by zen death robot

ComposerGuy posted:

PureFlix is not resting on its laurels with the smash God's Not Dead 2, as they've got a new theatrical release coming in February named after a ten-year old country song by Rascal Flatts:

God Bless the Broken Road

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=devqBLHvyjw

*ACCLAIMED* director Harold Cronk of God's Not Dead *and* God's Not Dead 2 fame helms this sure-to-be inspiring insta-classic.

No word yet on whether or not David A.R. White will show up to play the role of David A.R. White for the 26th consecutive time.

Is Rascall Flatts a christian group? I just thought they wrote lovely love ballads that let the lead singer with the weird-rear end nose belt out the big notes

# ¿ Nov 30, 2016 00:31

coyo7e: Aug 23, 2007; by zen death robot

Shageletic posted:

I don't know, it seems altogether too complex and ambivalent to do well in evangelical circles (it has a healthy support by Catholic establishment types, though):

http://www.nytimes.com/2016/11/27/magazine/the-passion-of-martin-scorsese.html

Wait am I reading that right? That the premise of the movie is that god is a man-made device - but BELIEF WILL OVERCOME (preferably through torture-porn montages because martyrdom)

# ¿ Dec 3, 2016 04:07

coyo7e: Aug 23, 2007; by zen death robot

HUNDU THE BEAST GOD posted:

I don't know what the point of Christian spoken word is when preaching perfected it.

Because Ghost Riders in the Sky is a great song so why not turn it into a rap about causing Satan's kingdom to fall?

Also what the gently caress does that even mean? Didn't Satan already fall? Wasn't that the whole point of him ruling hell? If you were to destroy hell wouldn't that mean that all the damned souls and devils would be loosed on earth and maybe heaven too? Don't shoot satan bro, bad idea

# ¿ Dec 15, 2016 23:59

coyo7e: Aug 23, 2007; by zen death robot

Samuel Clemens posted:

We're way overdue for a good adaptation of Paradise Lost.

http://www.hulu.com/lucifer?utm_cam...CFcqNfgodyb4JyA

http://www.paradiselost.org/ (the "in plain english" link)

# ¿ Dec 17, 2016 06:52

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# ¿ May 14, 2024 06:08

coyo7e: Aug 23, 2007; by zen death robot

and here I thought pantsuits were the devil

# ¿ Feb 23, 2017 04:17

The Something Awful Forums > The Finer Arts > Cinema Discusso > Creating Terrible Movies in the Name of Jesus: Christian Movie Megathread