Creating Terrible Movies in the Name of Jesus: Christian Movie Megathread

The Something Awful Forums > The Finer Arts > Cinema Discusso > Creating Terrible Movies in the Name of Jesus: Christian Movie Megathread

Casimir Radon: Aug 2, 2008

Dante Logos posted:

Fireproof

Kirk Cameron is the leading man in this picture, which you know means that this is a quality product. It depicts a firefighter with a broken marriage doing what it takes to save it from the abyss known as divorce. Truly a love story about how some token gestures can ensure that the woman in your life is sufficiently subjugated and submissive towards the man of the house. Unless you are a true believer, which then it shows a couple developing a Christ-centered marriage.

It's important to remember that the reason Kirk's family is falling apart is because he jerks off. Here's a highlight reel of Fireproof, I'm sure fundies think the fat guy is hilarious. Though I am genuinely amused by Kirk destroying his computer while his neighbor look on.

# ¿ Dec 12, 2013 22:56

Adbot: ADBOT LOVES YOU

# ¿ May 14, 2024 09:09

Casimir Radon: Aug 2, 2008

Tars Tarkas posted:

This is by far the most entertaining Christian film.

Also shockingly enough, Rick Santorum isn't playing nice at Echolight and now there is a bunch of infighting and lawsuits - http://blogs.dallasobserver.com/unfairpark/2013/10/theres_a_civil_war_at_rick_san.php

Not quite films, but Mike Huckabee has been whoring out his new children learning DVDs since leaving office. Once you get past the horrible animation you get to the even worse message. I remember thinking that it wouldn't survive long a couple years ago when he first started, but now there are 22 DVDs :ughh:

# ¿ Dec 13, 2013 01:28

Casimir Radon: Aug 2, 2008

Random Stranger posted:

I am just about incoherent with rage.

Now if you wanted to teach kiddies about the Revolutionary War PBS and Walter Cronkite put together a show about 10 years ago called Liberty's Kids. It did it's best to try and tell a nuanced story from many different perspectives. It had some issues, for instance in the episode about John Paul Jones he tells his crew to raise their flag, upon which I remember a 50 star US flag is raised. I'm not sure if somebody in the animation department hosed up or what. Because the flag was brand new and instructions were kind of vague there were a wide variety of funny looking flags being used at that point. Jones was actually cruising around with a flag that looked like this.

Anyway it's a product of evil PBS and multiculturalism so the fundie don't want anything to do with it.

# ¿ Dec 13, 2013 07:53

Casimir Radon: Aug 2, 2008

One Christmas grandma gave a VHS copy of The Creation Adventure Team: 6 Short Days, One Big Adventure to my brother.

Which teaches you that if evolution is being taught in your school you should take that as an opportunity to preach creationism to everyone, at the end they will all accept this and clap. If you recognize the dinosaur man from somewhere but can't quite place him, it's because there's a statue of him at the Creation Museum, the same people are behind both ventures.

Somebody cut it down to a 10 minute highlight reel.

Currently grandma is really pissed off about some conspiracy theory that our school board is planning to make boys and girls shower together, which is being pushed by THE GAYS (You know how much THE GAYS like to peep at vagina!)

# ¿ Dec 19, 2013 23:25

Casimir Radon: Aug 2, 2008

Lets! Get! Weird! posted:

The kids are watching this at the beginning of Jesus Camp.

You get a pretty good glimpse of how those kind of families operate in Jesus Camp, from what I remember they showed the kids watching a lot of homeschooling poo poo and being really excited about it. The main family they profiled also had their massive copy of Lord of the Rings taking up a lot of space in the middle of their dinner table which makes me think it was intentionally staged their for some reason.

# ¿ Dec 20, 2013 02:50

Casimir Radon: Aug 2, 2008

Robotnik Nudes posted:

If there's two things homeschooled kids loving love it's LOTR and Narnia.

The movies must be a pretty schizophrenic experience for them. Ian Mckellen is gay, and Disney loves them queers.

# ¿ Dec 20, 2013 03:31

Casimir Radon: Aug 2, 2008

TheBigBudgetSequel posted:

Some Baptist association has long had a "boycott" against Disney for the Gay Days thing at Disney World and Disneyland (which Disney doesn't have anything to do with, they just let the people into the park for the day) and they temporarily ended it so their churches could go see Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe (Disney even had a phone line to call to book church screenings of the film)

Ha. The Gay Days thing isn't the only thing there to irk fundies. They've offered health benefits to same sex partners since 1995, allowed gay marriages at their resorts since 2007, current Disney World president George Kalogridis is openly gay, and some of the most beloved of their animated features had important contributions from gays (Elton John, Howard Ashman).

# ¿ Dec 20, 2013 03:46

Casimir Radon: Aug 2, 2008

Lets! Get! Weird! posted:

The best part is the dinosaur just tickling him because Death wasn't A Thing yet.

I'm kind of surprised how competent the dinosaur man is done. Buddy Davis is apparently a taxidermist who made a bunch of the Creation Museum's dinosaurs, so that's probably why. Talk about misusing your talents.

The Creation Museum looks like it has a really nice facility, I wish they'd go bankrupt so something nice could be put in there.

# ¿ Dec 21, 2013 04:48

Casimir Radon: Aug 2, 2008

joylessdivision posted:

That movie is wonderful in it's heaping helping of IRONY.

Anyone seen "Hell House"? Fairly entertaining to watch a church group preparing for their Halloween event. Easily my favorite part is the argument between two of them when working on the script for the house because they can't figure out if they should refer to Magic cards (the game Magic)

I saw the first half or so of it before turning it off. From what I remember the pastors wife walked out on him, his kid is highly epileptic, and everyone in the family seems really uncomfortable. Then there's the creepy guy who was putting references to his website on stuff in the house, and some other guy working in some local wrestling promotion. They were all really sad and pathetic.

Biff Rockgroin posted:

Is that the one with the weird guy who's insistent that they get the rave scene perfect because he used to be a raver before he changed his ways so he knows how they really are?

I'm pretty sure it is.

I watched some other documentary a couple years ago about Christians who really believe the apocalypse is going to be within the next few years. Then they focused in on how the parents were telling their kids the world was going to end before they grew up, and I couldn't take it anymore.

# ¿ Dec 22, 2013 02:33

Casimir Radon: Aug 2, 2008

Rhyno posted:

I didn't see a mention of it, did anyone else ever have any exposure to McGee & Me? Some kid would face trials such as LYING TO HIS PARENTS and his little animated sidekick would pop off the page and teach him a biblical lesson to help him not be evil or some poo poo.

I babysat some kids who parents required them to watch one every night so as to instill good values at a young age. Hilariously the husband was loving around on his wife. So much for Jesusy values I guess.

Not until now. Apparently it airs on TBN's Smile of a Child Network. Just about everything on that network is really low budget and weird, and they have ads for The Holy Land Experience. I guess it's like Disneyworld for people who hate their kids.

# ¿ Dec 23, 2013 06:46

Casimir Radon: Aug 2, 2008

Just Offscreen posted:

All this discussion of terrible Christian children's shows and none has mentioned The Kingdom Chums Original Top Ten yet?

It's really something else.

It's like some bizarre Care Bears ripoff. I instantly recognized the bully's voice as the same guy who did Red Herring on A Pup Named Scooby Doo.

If you truly want to experience mindfuck there's always The Junior Christian Science Bible Lesson.

# ¿ Dec 23, 2013 08:57

Casimir Radon: Aug 2, 2008

If I ever met Kirk Cameron in real life I probably wouldn't be able to stop myself from taunting him about being replaced by Nicolas Cage.

# ¿ Dec 25, 2013 04:30

Casimir Radon: Aug 2, 2008

Gils posted:

You should change that, Jesus Christ Superstar is great.
Like it's already been said, though, it's not really in the same spirit as the rest of this thread, hardly the same audience as Left Behind.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X_mJgVwQ3Qw

It's shot in Israel and there's a lot of great looking locations. Also I love how half the Roman soldiers have spears and the other half guns.

I don't like hippies or evangelicals so I imagine this movie would be hell for me.

# ¿ Dec 27, 2013 05:11

Casimir Radon: Aug 2, 2008

trickybiscuits posted:

Holy poo poo, it's Eddie Izzard!

Or Garry Glitter...

drat, that's kind of prescient.

# ¿ Jan 4, 2014 05:21

Casimir Radon: Aug 2, 2008

Gizmoduck_5000 posted:

Also, despite what my fundie relatives believe, no college professor is going to get away with demanding his students publicly renounce their faith in order to receive a passing grade without serious repercussions.

Ironically the only place someone would likely get away with reprising against someone for their personal beliefs would be a private fundamentalist college.

# ¿ Mar 25, 2014 15:43

Casimir Radon: Aug 2, 2008

They put God's not Dead on a single screen in town, I was so proud that we weren't getting it :suicide:

# ¿ Apr 8, 2014 03:39

Casimir Radon: Aug 2, 2008

My grandma apparently liked Heaven is for Real. I was tempted to bring up some stuff about how they were on the verge of bankruptcy, and the whole thing being a scam, but being a dick on Mothers Day seemed wrong.

# ¿ May 14, 2014 02:37

Casimir Radon: Aug 2, 2008

computer parts posted:

National Draw Muhammad Day.

They didn't start that, that was started on social media after Comedy Central censored 200 and 201.

El Gallinero Gros posted:

I've actually seen and heard a bunch of people claim that South Park has gotten more vicious and mean spirited in the last couple seasons. Don't know if it's true though, havem't watched it in a while, but I heard the transgendered episode wasn't very nuanced at all.

The transgender episode was 9 years ago. As unpopular as it might be to point out that the current state of SRS doesn't make someone a man/woman it is true.

If anything South Park is better than it was during the mid 2000s. See World War Zimmerman and The Hobbit.

# ¿ May 15, 2014 21:49

Casimir Radon: Aug 2, 2008

LaughMyselfTo posted:

So how 'bout them Mormons?

I wish there was more, better LDS cinema. I could easily see a lot of their mythos translating well to film.

They actually seem to have a pretty good handle on how to make movies. Here's a segment from John Safran Vs. God about Mormon cinema.*.

*The Prophet was never made and Richard Dutcher left the church in 2007 over a theological dispute

# ¿ May 26, 2014 05:03

Casimir Radon: Aug 2, 2008

EDIT: Quote is not edit.

# ¿ May 26, 2014 05:03

Casimir Radon: Aug 2, 2008

QPZIL posted:

On film topic: I'm watching Hell House and it's... not quite as disturbing as Jesus Camp, but it's close.

The subjects are a hell of a lot more pathetic though.

# ¿ Jun 12, 2014 20:05

Casimir Radon: Aug 2, 2008

Mr Ice Cream Glove posted:

We have a photo of the release party of his newest film

If you Google Kirk Cameron Birthday it says "Related search Sad Birthday"

On my phone it looked like he was barfing on the cake.

# ¿ Aug 29, 2014 07:04

Casimir Radon: Aug 2, 2008

Mr Ice Cream Glove posted:

This is how you advertise a 4% RT movie

3% now

I love yow they must have thought that the movie going public was going to take them seriously this time.

EDIT: This is about how well One for the Money did. I want to visit an alternate universe where Katherine Heigl was cast in this film too.

Casimir Radon fucked around with this message at 07:22 on Oct 3, 2014

# ¿ Oct 3, 2014 07:12

Casimir Radon: Aug 2, 2008

FlamingLiberal posted:

Then what's even the point.

Start a FRANCHISE, restart whatever. They'll probably do well enough with the crowd that laps up whacky Christian media no matter how lovely, that will be the only thing that saves it. Question is will it be like a long winded horror series where they make just enough money to justify making another one, or like Atlas Shrugged where they lose crazy money but continue on out of sheer stubbornness.

# ¿ Oct 4, 2014 05:36

Casimir Radon: Aug 2, 2008

The ancestors of your evangelical churches didn't start celebrating Christmas until relatively recently precisely because of its rather ambiguous relation to Jesus. Who's trying to hijack whose holiday?

# ¿ Nov 12, 2014 05:54

Casimir Radon: Aug 2, 2008

...of SCIENCE! posted:

They still love wearing costumes and giving out candy, they just do it on a different day and at church so it magically loses all of its Satan powers. It's kind of like how they say that Santa Claus is Christian because he's totally St. Nicholas even though his appearance and customs are all from Pagan celebrations that predate St. Nicholas' birth.

My grandma's church stopped calling their thing a "Halloween Alternative" and call it Fall Fest now. It's still designed to keep the church kids off the streets from 5-10PM on Halloween lest they go out and have some fun, but they dialed back the culture war a little bit. They still hate Santa though.

# ¿ Nov 12, 2014 21:57

Casimir Radon: Aug 2, 2008

Evangelism just doesn't make for a good plot. You can write whatever you want but if the absolute core of your movie is "We're right, and everyone else is wrong up until the point they accept our incredibly narrow point of view", then anyone who hasn't already accepted it as the truth or a vulnerable person is going to be moved by it.

# ¿ Mar 29, 2015 04:48

Casimir Radon: Aug 2, 2008

If I was on Reddit I'd tell him how much I enjoyed that video we watched in health class that he had a cameo in. In it he declared that he was "Hercules, DAMNIT!", and then made some vague threat about coming to my house if I did drugs. 10 years later I still haven't done any drugs so I'd say he was successful. I haven't really liked his career since then though.

# ¿ Mar 31, 2015 22:58

Casimir Radon: Aug 2, 2008

Gils posted:

Watching Jesus Christ Superstar on Good Friday was a family tradition growing up. Just finished watching it tonight and I still love it. All those loving shirtless vests

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IvVr2uks0C8

Hippies ruin everything.

# ¿ Apr 4, 2015 04:55

Casimir Radon: Aug 2, 2008

Mordiceius posted:

The movie logic is stupid as gently caress and thus the whole situation isn't believable.

I haven't seen the movie, so I can only comment on what is being repeated about it, but the whole problem is a false problem since why can't the main character just go to the academic dean and be like "Yo, this professor is infringing on my religious rights." Boom. Problem solved. The end.

Nobody involved went to college anywhere that wasn't a evangelical diploma mill, so there's tons of willful ignorance about how public universities work. These are people dumb enough to believe that Christians are oppressed in any capacity in the US.

# ¿ Apr 11, 2015 00:01

Casimir Radon: Aug 2, 2008

ComposerGuy posted:

This is life changing. God I love 1980s era production design. It's what I think of any time I hear about stuff like this.

Now was there some super specific piece of hardware needed to produce those motion graphics?

# ¿ May 12, 2015 23:54

Casimir Radon: Aug 2, 2008

BigRed0427 posted:

Is there anything like this being made today?

Well there was a lot of flipping out about Harry Potter. And the general push towards only allowing their kids to consume Christian media because even a neutral secular message is still wrong. You've got go with the Christian alternative no matter how lovely or inept it may be.

# ¿ May 13, 2015 10:40

Casimir Radon: Aug 2, 2008

My dad didn't want me watching The Simpsons because Bart talks back to Homer, and talking back to your dad is one of the worst things you can do. He's not really religious, it's just his weird little issue.

The Simpsons isn't really a rejection of family values, it just happens to mock dogmatic views of family values.

# ¿ May 13, 2015 13:30

Casimir Radon: Aug 2, 2008

Chocolate Teapot posted:

I don't think HP is "neutral" at all, but it's obvious that the most frenzied criticisms were from people who grew up to be terrified of non-religious magics and the like, instead of actual elements like the heavily critical looks at the establishment or societal caste-based divisions.

I wasn't talking about Harry Potter there, but at the the end of the day it's still fiction. It's not presented as fact so a normal person isn't going to see any harm in it. These are the kind of people who will read something sinister into any secular media. Superheroes often have religious overtones but you know it's fiction and aren't going to start praying to Superman or something like that. It takes some serious mental gymnastics to decide that Ninja Turtles is actively pushing an agenda based on eastern mysticism, anything like that is just there to add flavor to the story. Even more ridiculous since they were invented specifically to be ridiculous. Basically these people have decided that if it isn't actively pushing a Christian message it's wrong, now go watch some loving Bibleman.

# ¿ May 13, 2015 16:48

Casimir Radon: Aug 2, 2008

Jack Gladney posted:

I hope Clarissa's not the one who's going to explain it all to those school kids. Did Hercules not make it out of the last one alive or something?

I'm surprised they trust someone most famous for playing a witch.

# ¿ Jul 5, 2015 19:30

Casimir Radon: Aug 2, 2008

Alhazred posted:

I always forget that Melissa Joan Hart still exists.

Jimmy Kimmel is an unfunny douche most of the time but.....

# ¿ Jul 5, 2015 20:31

Casimir Radon: Aug 2, 2008

SSNeoman posted:

I'm sorry MJH, but hey! Others made this movie a reality! And it was racist AND sexist: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Walk_of_Shame_%28film%29

Aren't these the guys who recently got labeled as a hate group by the SPLC?

They would counter that SPLC is a hate group that only targets nice white Christians like themselves. Despite Nation of Islam being on their list of hate groups.

# ¿ Jul 6, 2015 09:09

Casimir Radon: Aug 2, 2008

I've seen the sequel in which a satanist VR headset makes a wheelchair-bound able to walk again. He jumps out of his chair and is all like "SATAN RULES!"

# ¿ Aug 1, 2015 19:49

Adbot: ADBOT LOVES YOU

# ¿ May 14, 2024 09:09

Casimir Radon: Aug 2, 2008

Samovar posted:

I prefer the story where a person's head has been cut off and yet is still so close to the body that people don't actually realise it until they try to move the body. This means it was the work of the French.

The Swedish/Danish version of The Bridge starts off like that, only it's a body cut in half with one end in each country. I thought it was so dumb I turned it off. At least it seemed dumb when compared to The Killing or Borgen.

# ¿ Aug 30, 2015 13:18

The Something Awful Forums > The Finer Arts > Cinema Discusso > Creating Terrible Movies in the Name of Jesus: Christian Movie Megathread