- Push El Burrito
- May 9, 2006
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Soiled Meat
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KaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAANE?!
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Mar 8, 2014 23:44
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- Adbot
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ADBOT LOVES YOU
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May 13, 2024 23:47
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- Push El Burrito
- May 9, 2006
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Soiled Meat
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quote:Having read Samuel Adams by McCulloch, Colin Powell's autobiography, and a terrific read about the life of Jefferson Davis, I truly believed that I had seen and read the pinnacle of the craft of biographical writing. I believed that never again could a life be written about so vividly that I truly, deeply, and profoundly believed that I was, in fact, the subject of the tome.
I felt that...until I read the Unauthorized History of Kane. With this amazing piece of work, a book that is highly unlikely to be rewarded with its Pulitzer Prize it warrants; and is even less likely to be made into a movie as it so fervently deserves, I have seen the apex of writing. There was a time when I felt 1984 by George Orwell was the best book I'd ever read. I was a naive fool. I have, in fact, cut myself repeatedly to atone for my previous naivete. If a word here and there is misspelled, I do apologize, but the lack of blood is making me woozy and the only thing keeping me going is my love of this outstanding tome.
Having tried to follow the story on TV, I will freely admit that I, initially, believed that the storyline of Kane was written by a group of ADD-suffering chimpanzees with a serious meth habit. I truly believed that without serious head trauma, combined with a lobotomy and some really good moonshine, one could not wrap one's mind around this enigma that is the character of Kane.
How wrong I was. Those monkies were suffering from something --- but that something was GENIUS! They were taking something --- they were taking brain pills. Yes, this is the most misunderstood work of literature --- art, to be more precise --- I've ever laid eyes upon. It explains the story of Kane is language so clear, so precise, so razor-sharp that even a person who can't READ English would fully understand it, overthrow the government in their home country, and make a government that is so close to the U.S.A that they are in serious consideration to become the 51st state. It's imagery is so vivid that it can make the blind man see.
It's just that darned good. And I'm not one to gush over a mediocre piece of work. No sir.
Kane's amazing grasp of medical terminology as a brutally young age helps explain why his promos on TV are so bad --- he has to dummy up his language so much so us laypeople can comprehend it that he has difficulty effectively expressing himself. Who realized that this man's near-total inability to feel pain was caused by a curse and not, say, poor selling ability? I felt that Kane was just a sub-par wrestler --- but now, I see he is a modern-day Wolverine.
Only MUCH cooler.
And Katie Vick? I must admit, that when I saw it on RAW, it made me weep. I thought it was a beautiful piece of writing that has not been matched since the heyday of "Blossom". With this book's dramatic re-telling of the story, you get all of the emotion in its purest form. True, you DON'T get Hunter humping a mannequin in a coffin, but that is what happy memories are there for...to fill in the blanks.
It is tragic that movies like Friday the 13th could borrow so liberally from the life story of Kane. It's criminal that somebody who has suffered so greatly cannot become rich due to a series of increasingly atrocious movies. Dear God, where is the fairness? Where is it, I ask?
If you can overlook the sin that Kane has not been given a Peace Prize and that this book is unlikely to win a Pulitzer, you might finally have a reason to practice literacy once again. I can only blame the WWE for not utilizing this book for the cause of world peace as it so clearly is designed. Something that magnificent belongs not to a wrestling promotion, but instead, to the world.
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Mar 10, 2014 20:01
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- Push El Burrito
- May 9, 2006
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Soiled Meat
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Update for 3/12/14: Kane is still awesome.
Aside from Undertaker, who else has Kane had a long feud with?
For those of us that are making use of the Network, what are some good (or at least fun) Kane PPV matches to watch?
edit: Also are either of the movies he starred in worth a watch?
Lots of people. Especially Edge.
And yes, MacGruber is worth watching.
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Mar 13, 2014 05:13
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- Push El Burrito
- May 9, 2006
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Soiled Meat
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"LEARN MATH"
Thank you that is our assembly.
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May 19, 2014 01:56
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Mar 8, 2014 23:44
