shit_that_didnt_happen.txt: TRUE WISDOM FROM WHERE YOU EXPECT IT LEAST. AMEN!

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My Lovely Horse: Aug 21, 2010

This thread has taught me to be very cynical about stories but the "vent about students" thread in Science & Academics has taught me that this one is 100% accurate.

Lady cop chat, I was on a train once with a mentally disabled man and his extremely unpleasant father. The train was running late because of signal problems, the guy didn't understand why it kept stopping and wanted to go home, his father kept yelling at him, eventually a cop showed up and gave him a right dressing down. Full carriage, no one applauded. Imagine that.

# ? May 7, 2014 09:46

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# ? Apr 28, 2024 13:27

Butt Detective: Mar 24, 2013; Only the dead can know peace from these hats.

GreenMetalSun posted:

Of course it has 50,000 notes. OF COURSE IT DOES.

The entire train applauded. Every single passenger suddenly vigorously started clapping at the exact same time, even the ones in different carriages.

# ? May 7, 2014 09:53

My Lovely Horse: Aug 21, 2010

That too, you're lucky to get the gist of things happening four seats down from yours.

# ? May 7, 2014 09:57

moerketid: Jul 3, 2012

Requesting a repost of the weeaboo brony story for posterity in the new thread. The one with the kurokishi shirokishi thing.

# ? May 7, 2014 11:01

SybilVimes: Oct 29, 2011

Khazar-khum posted:

The only thing that makes me wonder if there's a kernel of truth to this one is because it's from LA.

"Cliff's Notes"

:laffo:

# ? May 7, 2014 11:13

rodbeard: Jul 21, 2005

Khazar-khum posted:

The only thing that makes me wonder if there's a kernel of truth to this one is because it's from LA.

Hell I've seen a guy use the same excuse before. It was just run of the mill cheating and not cliffnotes though. And yes they did do the typical academic honesty speech at the beginning of the class that year.

# ? May 7, 2014 14:47

Big Grunty Secret: Aug 28, 2007; Just one question, though. Is there a way to take off my pants?

The STDH part of that lady cop story is that she would arrest the guy instead of just waving her badge and having him shut up immediately. The story doesn't specify that she's on duty so I assume that instead of going wherever she was going, she'd rather cuff this dude, call it in, and then go to write a report for it, not to mention the specious grounds for arrest. The guy was being verbally abusive, but it's hard to charge for a statement so vague as "I'll kill you" (not technically assault)

# ? May 7, 2014 15:35

Spookydonut: Sep 13, 2010; "Hello alien thoughtbeasts! We murder children!"
~our children?~
"Not recently, no!"
~we cool bro~

SpookyLizard posted:

Because no class ever reminds you about the schools honor code and 'dont copy and/or cheat' rules.

Sadly some universities now have mandatory units that are basically Plagiarism 101

# ? May 7, 2014 15:41

deadly_pudding: May 13, 2009; who the fuck is scraeming
"LOG OFF" at my house.
show yourself, coward.
i will never log off

Spookydonut posted:

Sadly some universities now have mandatory units that are basically Plagiarism 101

My school had a mandatory "freshman orientation" course you had to take first semester, which pretty much consisted of "Don't plagiarize", "Here is how this city's incredibly lovely bus system works", and "Please do your homework. Your mom isn't here to do it for you."

# ? May 7, 2014 15:45

FrozenVent: May 1, 2009; The Boeing 737-200QC is the undisputed workhorse of the skies.

Big Grunty Secret posted:

The STDH part of that lady cop story is that she would arrest the guy instead of just waving her badge and having him shut up immediately. The story doesn't specify that she's on duty so I assume that instead of going wherever she was going, she'd rather cuff this dude, call it in, and then go to write a report for it, not to mention the specious grounds for arrest. The guy was being verbally abusive, but it's hard to charge for a statement so vague as "I'll kill you" (not technically assault)

Uttering death threats is a criminal offense in a lot of places. "I'll kill you" definitely qualifies.

# ? May 7, 2014 16:08

Glorified Scrivener: May 4, 2007; His tongue it could not speak, but only flatter.

The University in the town where I live is dealing with budget cuts and while the comments section of the local newspaper's website always contains a rich vein of STDH, today they struck gold on a story about the University Library.

quote:

Strange things happen sometimes during our morning coffee gatherings, now the five of us. A couple of other customers have suspected who we are over the weeks and give us snippets now and again. This morning we were reading of the latest cuts at the University Library when someone overheard us, came over and suggested we talk to a gentleman sitting by himself studying �The Encyclopedia of Civil War Usage.� Quite the character this gentleman happened to be, with quite the story, so be patient. His latest endeavor being to publish 4 books in two years. He�s now on his fifth in 3 years, hence the encyclopedia. Prior to that his resume runs thick; with farming, soldiering, firefighting, even some spook and kicker (loadmaster) work. Been arrested, deported, beaten and diseased, and in some pain while we talked. His last �real� job, and the reason he came up, was as a software developer. Something he taught himself while sitting in a hangar back in 1996, apparently, and ended up making millions for a company he contracted with for eight years (leaving because they forced him into being a full-time employee - that�s not me, he said, so he left), being one of only 3 people who built software still sold globally to universities and libraries. Now the first kicker; The University library advertised a job, a primary requisite being experience with the software this gentleman had built. Since we already know from previous people, and documents we have seen, that the university is a dirty, nasty, nepotistic institution, we were sadly not surprised to learn that this job went to an intern not two years out of school. The gentleman laughed when he saw the reason for our conversation. �Ironic, no?� He said. "I made millions for this company, knew that software like the back of my hand, because it came from my hand, and could have improved on it to make even more for the University, too. But they don�t like private success, it scares them, I could see it in their eyes. They want malleable people they can control.� We asked why he didn�t do so himself. �People like me are not business minded, we hate business. I returned to this town to be left alone, do my job, do it well, and be left alone. Well, now I�m left alone, mostly, and I write.� We asked if he fought the issue and he explained that if people mess with him, he will mess with them. So he did for a while, calling out the liars and able to forever call them liars. �Sally England is well known as being the university�s corporate liar. Her job, now that Martinez is no longer there, has passed to a woman that used to head up the State Human Rights Bureau. Dots starting to come together are they?� He asked. We knew that already thanks to others who�ve had the same problems, a long list, and have seen their case files. That was the second kicker if you hadn't picked it up. The conclusion being that the university is on a collision course with total failure thanks to ballooning administration, rampant nepotism, cronyism, abject favoritism, the worst being the constant lies, of course, as well as a total failure to step into the 21st Century where education is ready for a massive change - or should we say revitalization, where administrators and sports are not the primary consideration, students and teachers are.

We started this whole thing as bit of a hobby after researching information for a chapter in someone else's book (a book being written by a friend of the man we met today strangely enough). That was completed long ago but there was so much information coming our way, which has not stopped, obviously, that we are now thinking of writing a whole book on the subject by ourselves. Seriously, there is so much overt corruption in this town it is unbelievable. That�s not to say it doesn�t also happen elsewhere. But we enjoy it here and would like to see something better. Is that really too much to ask?

And did you also know there is even favoritism, or should we say 'a certain pressurization,' in awarding degrees? That, just in through our email two minutes ago.

# ? May 7, 2014 17:38

J Miracle: Mar 25, 2010; It took 32 years, but I finally figured out push-ups!

Glorified Scrivener posted:

The University in the town where I live is dealing with budget cuts and while the comments section of the local newspaper's website always contains a rich vein of STDH, today they struck gold on a story about the University Library.

What could possibly lead you to question this man's badass book-writin'-farmin'-soldierin'-firefightin'-heavy-machine-operatin', software-developin' backstory or his inevitable betrayal by weak-minded cowards who were just too afraid of how he takes no poo poo and speaks his mind?

EDIT: I do believe that guy exists and told that story, there's a guy like that in almost every small town, they usually "made millions for" somebody else while getting screwed out of it somehow, also they're often working on a book and "know what's really going on around here."

J Miracle has a new favorite as of 18:12 on May 7, 2014

# ? May 7, 2014 18:09

Nckdictator: Sep 8, 2006; Just..someone

Have some classics.

quote:

A treacherous, greedy catholic Patrician and Holy Roman Elector was teaching a class on Pope Innocent III, a known heretic.

�Before the class begins, you must get on your knees and worship the Pope and accept that Catholicism is the one and only faith founded by Jesus Christ, even greater than Nestorianism!�

At this moment, a brave, Greek, Varangian soldier who had killed over 1500 Turks and understood the legitimacy of the Eastern Roman Empire and fully supported all its economic, social and military reforms stood up and held up a map of the Holy Land

"Who should own this land, Brutus?"

The arrogant Venetian smirked quite Jewishly and smugly replied �The crusaders, you stupid heretic�

�Wrong. Its been over 2000 years since Alexander the Great conquered it. If it was not owned by Arabs, and Catholics, as you say, should own the land... then the crusaders should have conquered Jerusalem by now."

The Patrician was visibly shaken, and dropped his ducats and copy of the Roman Misal. He stormed out of the room crying those ironic catholic tears. The same tears catholics cry for �the Crusaders� (who today live in such luxury that most bathe daily). There is no doubt that at this point our Patrician, Enrico Dandolo, wished he had been Orthodox and supported the Komnenoi struggle against the Turks. He wished so much that he had the Imperial Sword to kill himself from embarrassment, but he himself had pawned it off to the Capetians!

The students applauded and all applied for Roman citizenship that day and accepted Manuel Komnenos as their Basileus. A double-headed eagle named �Byzantium� flew into the room and perched atop the Hagia Sophia and shed a tear on the chalk board. Epitaph of Seikilos was sung several times, and Constantine the Great himself showed up and converted all Catholics to Orthodoxy.

quote:

I was at a Halloween party Friday night that fluctuated from 25-40 people during the night. This is in a VERY conservative part of Florida, and basically everyone at this party except myself and my girlfriend is at the very low end of the socioeconomic scale, Wal-mart workers, Waffle House waitresses, etc. We are all sitting out in the backyard of my sister's place with a roaring fire and all the food and alcohol you could hope for and then some motherfucker has to bring up politics.

Can you imagine who these people are voting for? I think you can. So for the next two hours or so, I took on all comers, and won, constantly, every single time. With my trusty laptop computer I proceeded to prove every single bullshit claim about the Senator's policies wrong.

"He's going to take what I have and give it to others!" loving OWNED.
"He's going to destroy small businesses!" loving OWNED.
"He'll surrender in Iraq and lose all we've gained!" loving OWNED.
<just about any other policy question you can think of> loving OWNED.

And so, once they had exhausted all possible policy arguments against Senator Obama, it was time to pull out the racism and lies. But your humble correspondent was more than ready, and again it was time for people to get loving OWNED.

"He's a 'secret' Muslim!" loving OWNED.
"He's a communist!" loving OWNED.
"He's friends with terrorists!" loving OWNED.
"He changed his last name from Osama to Obama!" loving OWNED.

At long last, there was only one fellow still standing against me, a late 20s/early 30s Navy guy who had not dared to face me directly all night but who I had seen whispering poo poo to other people, who I then proceeded to loving destroy.

Now, I don't want to make too much of this, but I want you all to understand just how bad-rear end this scenario really is. For 2 hours, 2 solid hours, I've been standing in front of this flickering fire taking down all comers with calmness, dignity, and aplomb. I've convinced 10+ of these people to vote for their own and their country's loving self-interest this election instead of voting based on fear being sold by assholes. And now, at long last, their chief himself steps up.

I am not making this up. Every single person at this party is now looking at the two of us, and from the remaining McCain people there is a palpable air of "Oh, poo poo, our Navy guy is about to rip his poo poo up!" It's like the end of a Dragonball Z episode or something. This is what happens, nearly verbatim.

Navy Guy: "You're going to vote for a man who isn't even a loving AMERICAN!"
JS: "What do you mean?"
NG: "He wasn't even born in America! He had to renounce his American citizenship to go to his Muslim school in Indonesia! He's not even a citizen!"
JS: "First of all, you're wrong, and second of all, he was like 4 years old. You can't renounce your citizenship when you're 4 any more than you can sign a legally binding contract. But that doesn't matter, because Senator Barack Obama is an American who was born in Hawaii."
NG: "Aw, bullshit. Go ahead and vote for someone who's not even an American."
JS: "So, you are certain about this? That a serving United States Senator whose background has been investigated probably more thoroughly than any other man in the history of the entire world has somehow managed to hide the fact that he is not even an American citizen? Is that what you are saying?"
NG: "drat right."
JS: "And you are sure about this?"
NG: "One. Hundred. Percent."

I have you now.

JS: "Then let's put our money where our mouths are."
NG: >bright-eyed "confrontation grin" begins to crack< "What do you mean?"
JS: "Well, you've made a pretty vicious slander against Senator Obama, and you've claimed you are certain it is true. I can prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that it is not. So how about this. If you aren't completely full of poo poo and just flat-out knowingly lying, let's make a bet on it. If you win, I will donate what we bet to Senator McCain's campaign. And if I win, you will donate what we bet to Senator Barack Obama."
NG: >grin is gone, I can smell panic< "Fine. How much?"
JS: "Two thousand two hundred and fifty dollars."
NG: >silence, looks around at the audience<
JS: >extends hand<
NG: "Well, now-"
JS: "Do you want to bet, or don't you? Because if you don't, I think it might be indicative that you are lying."
NG: >silence, sense of mounting panic<
JS: "I have my credit card with me and my computer, and I'm ready to put my money where my mouth is. How about it?"
NG: "Well, you know, you can get whatever you want to come up on that computer."
JS: "Does that mean you don't want to bet?"
NG: "I just know you'll cheat."
JS: "I'll let you look it up."
NG: "Bah, gently caress that, like I'd trust someone who'd vote for Obama."
JS: "Does that mean you don't want to bet?"
NG: >silence<
JS: "But you were so confident."
NG: >glares, looks down, looks around at people, LEAVES PARTY WITHOUT ANOTHER WORD<

The best part of this story is what happens next. There was a group of 6 20-25ish kids there who work with my sister. As we silently watch Navy Guy take his walk of shame to his car, the "leader" of this little group indicates me and says, "Man, if that guy is voting for Obama, I am too," which is roundly huzzahed by his followers. I pretty much felt like Neo in the Matrix.

So, +17 for Obama Friday night in Florida. But even better, 2 solid hours of stomping bullshit into the ground culminating in seeing Emperor Bullshit exposed as having no clothes, after all.

I hope that dude drove home crying and punching his leg.

quote:

I hate those prisons. I truly hate them. I'm really sorry you had to go through what I went... I guess I'll share my story, and hopefuly I'll make some people realize that these camps are... more than evil.
As a kid I really denied any form of authority. I often harrased teachers, and the idea of a great man in the sky ruling over me was not only ridicoulous to me, but also hazardous... I came out to my (extremist) parents at the age of 14. They cried, threatened me, did everything they could to turn me back into a robot...
About 1 month after I came out, 3 men came into my house at night, and told me to stay quiet and walk with them. I tought it was a kidnapping, as most people who experience this...
I walked into the van, and they explained themselelves. I was shocked and filled with hate, but I knew I shouldn't do anything, the van was small and I couldn't defend myself.
My first day at that prison was horrible... everything I did was supervised, and also controlled. The only time I got some "privacy" was at night, 10 o'clock. After 1 week I just couldn't take the authority, and I was put in isolation. Two months. Two. ****ing. Months.
After the first month I began hearing voices in my head, and after another week, the voices formed into a big, strong voice... I only had one conversation with it.
Voice : "Escape."
Me : "How?"
Voice : "Strong. Then Kill."
After the last sentence I never heard it again. But it was enough. I knew my goal. At the time I had about 100 lbs... I was skinny, I didn't have force... I was helpless.
Every time I got out of isolation, I said "**** God.". All I did in isolation was exercise. I was so full of hate I didn't care about time... In there there was no natural light, just a little crack... I had no clock, so I would just look at the crack while exercising.. Everytime light started to get through the crack, meaning it was day, it was a great achievment. I felt.. great. Small things where all I had, so it was incredible... I exercised in there for 8 months... breaks of 20 minutes, exercises for 1 and a half. And repeat. Repeat. Repeat...
After 8 months, I finnaly got out... everyone was so surprised I didn't shout "**** God.".
For about 4 days I was heavily looked at by all the guards... that was the day I began the brainwashing. They thought the isolation broke me down. It only made me stronger.
Everytime I entered the brainwashing room I would see a broken window. The room was on the first floor, so I could get out without too much damage. But I was... nowhere. Nowhere meaning a forest. I could run, of course, but how long would the forest last? I didn't know. Forest was freedom. Freedom is good. So I got to get in the forest.
One day, instead of the 5 athletic guys that went with me to the room, there were only 2 janitors. I was so surprised... yet calm. I knew that was my day.
As I was approaching the window, I felt some adrenaline going up my spine...
I quickly headlocked one guy while kicking the other with one foot, and managed to pull a neck break on the headlocked guy.. I got ready, then jumped off the window. I fell, rolled, and managed to don't get hurt bad... I was running, running, running... I could hear some sounds, but I was so thrilled I didn't pay attention.. after about 4km running I finnaly stopped. I could feel freedom. It was... beautiful.
I heard a "****! Watch how you're driving, man!". My instinct moved me, and I approaced a yellow car...
"Please.. just.. let me come."
The guy looked at me surprised, then told me to get in. After about half an hour, when I recovered, he asked me my story, but I was still afraid. What if he would get me to the cops? What if he was one of them? I didn't know. I just said "No time to explain. Where are you going?". He said Florida.
I arrived in Florida at the age of 15. I'm 19 now, and I never spoke with my parents again, and will never do it. I truly hate them.
But the experience made me realize how important free will is. .. aaaaand I grew ****ing awesome muscles.
Thanks for reading so far ! I means a lot to me that I can share my story... it hurts even now, after 4 years.
TL;DR : It took me 1 year to escape but, it takes you only 5 minutes to read.
EDIT : Thanks for all your support guys! It's been 4 years since I escaped, so I had plenty of time to rebuild my life, and to find a job. I work right now as a Pentester, Programmer and a skater, which is more than I could have achieved while I was with my parents
Anyone here gonna share his story? I figured out we could make a little book out of them, and if we would really sue those prisons, every story counts!

quote:

This Troper gave a very nasty one that was merged with a Hannibal Lecture to a bully Jerk Jock type. It can be summed up as, "I really do pity you. . .or at least I try to. . . . You are just an empty fool who tries to erase his fear that he might not get a football scholarship by bullying those lesser than him. I continue these "geeky" behaviors because they let me form at least a core of my personality. You. . .you have nothing any more other than to try to fill your empty core up with the fear of others while watching that perfect six pack decay from one too many beers." He cried and ran away, having been emotionally dissected.

quote:

This anonymous troper took a level in badass between sixth and seventh grade. Sixth grade? I was teased, hated by pretty much everyone, driven to tears at times. You know, the usual. I did however plant the seeds for my upgrade. I was already tall, handsome, strong, and smart. So the next year comes around, and early on I'm already getting some form of respect. When I tried out for wrestling is when I really got noticed. Among my team, I was easily one of the best, even though I was just a rookie, I was good at other sports too, even though I didn't have time to try out for the teams, and I was aware that there were plenty girls crushing on me. I just didn't have time for them either. It went as far as people claiming that I could beat THEM in a fight. Black people. That's serious.

quote:

So I was standing in a rather large line at my local Wal-Mart today behind a couple families that I know from when I went to church with my family in year younger. It was the only register open so there wasn't much of another option to get my 12 pack of Mountain Dew for a party I was heading to. I was wondering why the line was going nowhere when I decided to poke my head up front to see what the holdup was. It was a little old lady who didn't have enough for her groceries and she was trying to talk the cashier into letting her get away with being short. This struck me as odd until I found out she was a mere $0.21 short of her purchase. Now all these families were just staring and there was even two making fun of her. I walked up and handed my soda to the cashier, handed him a $5 and told her to keep the change. One of the middle aged women (I knew these people, so I also knew that they all make over 6 digits) grabbed her kid and yelled very loudly, "See that man? He's acting just like Jesus wants us to." For some reason this set me off, so I turned around. I haven't shaved in awhile so I'm rocking some nice scruff, a Slayer shirt, and gym shorts, so it must have been a nice sight. Very loudly, I said "Like Jesus? Ma'am I'm an atheist who makes minimum wage and I was the one who stepped up to help her? Your hypocritical Christianity is an inspiration to us all." As I stormed out, a couple of the cart boys started to whistle and cheer, soon shoppers joined in and even the cashier. I gave a wave and went off with a feeling of accomplishment.

quote:

Though more a 'reader of tropes' than a 'troper', this troper just''had'' to share one of his experiences in Germany. He was stuck in one of the narrow stairwells at the Cathedral in Cologne, with hundreds of people packed in shoulder-to-shoulder above and below him. Nothing was moving, and everyone was grumbling - right up until the point where someone started in with "Hallelujah." The version from "Shrek."

He got about to the third line, when someone else joined in, and another, and another, and by the first refrain everyone in earshot was singing and smiling, their voices shaking the walls of the cathedral. The line began to move moments later, and everyone from the top of the tower to the base of the stairs sung their way down - and were met at the bottom by a solid line of strangers, twenty long and deep, cheering, applauding wildly, even crying. Folks from the stairwell rushed over and embraced family or friends that had been waiting for them, and the initial singer ended up being praised in about four different languages as he made his way to the door. This could also be a Crowning Moment Of Awesome, if read that way. Oh, and though I hope I hardly have to say it - I was the guy who started singing.

quote:

(Our Japanese restaurant is near a school that annually hosts an anime convention. So, it�s fairly common to have cosplayers among our customers at the time of the con. The owner is okay with it as long as they don�t annoy the other customers. On this day, we seat twelve cosplayers and, later, I seat three young customers near them.)

Young Customer #1: �What is this? Why are those guys costumed?�

Me: �Oh, there�s a large anime convention ongoing at the local school. It�s rather common to see them at the times of the gathering.�

Young Customer #1: *chuckles* �Yeah, what a bunch of dorks.�

Young Customer #2: �Total nerds.�

(Since there are no other free tables and they didn�t pre-order a table, they sit near the cosplayers while mocking them under their breath. In the meantime, a cosplayer of Pikachu is talking somewhat loudly on his phone.)

Young Customer #2: *waves at me* �Hey, you! Tell those dorks to shut up!�

Halo Cosplayer: �Oh, I�m sorry, sir.� *to �Pikachu�* �Dude, not so loud. You�re bothering people.�

Pikachu Cosplayer: �What? Oh, sorry to bother you guys.� *starts talking again, but much quieter*

Young Customer #3: �Yeah, that�s right. Shut up, you virgin nerd!�

Young Customer #1: �Go back to the library, virgins!�

(At this point, I warn the owner about the behavior of the younger customers. He immediately goes to their table.)

Owner: �What seems to be the problem?�

Young Customer #1: �It�s not our fault. Those nerds started to insult us! We�re not going to stay here and do nothing!�

Owner: �My staff told me the contrary, actually.�

Young Customer #3: �What?! That b***h waitress is lying!�

Owner: �Sir, I won�t allow you to insult my staff or customers. Those cosplayers were extremely polite and quiet during their meals, unlike you. If someone must be thrown out, it�s you.�

(In the blink of an eye, one of the young customers gets up and tries to grab the owner. However, to our surprise, one of the cosplayers playing Batman grabs him by the hair, slams him on the table and holds him still.)

Young Customer #1: �OW! That f***ing hurts! Who the f*** do you think you are, you motherf***er?!�

Batman Cosplayer: *in a raspy tone* �I am vengeance. I am the night. I am� Batman.�

(The two other customers begin to yell, but quickly shut up when all the cosplayers get up and surround them, showing that most of them are clearly larger than them. The mall security arrests the bad customers, and the cosplayers leave after apologizing for the trouble. However, it�s not before we snap a picture with them. Now, we frequently joke about that time when Batman, Pikachu and Master Chief saved the restaurant!

# ? May 7, 2014 18:10

Lowly: Aug 13, 2009

Glorified Scrivener posted:

The University in the town where I live is dealing with budget cuts and while the comments section of the local newspaper's website always contains a rich vein of STDH, today they struck gold on a story about the University Library.

And that man turned out to be Ayn Rand ...

# ? May 7, 2014 18:13

FrozenVent: May 1, 2009; The Boeing 737-200QC is the undisputed workhorse of the skies.

I think I've struck gold.

http://www.reddit.com/r/ProRevenge/

quote:

My wife recently started a job at the check-in desk at a downtown 5 star hotel. One of her shift supervisors is a relatively young Lebenese guy, lets call him Douche Nozle (DN). DN is a typical Jersey Shore looking wannabe. He's got greasy hair, immaculately groomed 3 day growth and tanned skin. The funny thing is he is also pudgy and overweight so the whole look just comes across as sad. I've met him a few times and he is smarmy, arrogant and treats his staff like poo poo.
Anyway, from day 1 he started hitting on my wife. He initially sent her a text, explaining that he lifted her number from the HR file as he was a 'dedicated leader' and wanted to 'look after his team'. He texted her pretty much before and after every shift, asking her to lunch before hand or drinks afterwards in order to 'explain the sytem to her'. These texts later devolved to telling her to 'sleep well and lots so you can be fully refreshed at work' explaining that he wanted her looking 'angelic like you always do'. Anyway, there is tons of this random crap and he is always calling her pet names like 'babe', 'angel' or 'sexy'. My wife tried to keep it professional in her replies but it was quite clear this DN wasn't going to stop. She also always wears both her engagement ring and wedding band so there is no excuse.
To put this story into context, I am a current serving Army Officer. As a platoon commander who has led soldiers in Afghanistan I would say that I know a thing or two about leadership. So he's claim that he was just being a 'dedeciated leader' just seemed pathetic. I wanted to straight out punch this dude in the face, schoolyard style, but my wife calmed me down as she didn't want to start trouble at her new job and as a supervisor, DN could technically assign her the crappy shifts.
Two weeks ago, my wife asked me to go pick her up from work, that way, she could introduce me to DN and rest of the desk clerks as her husband. I went straight after my work so I was in full uniform and arrived about 10 mins before her shift ended. I walked straight up to him and introduced myself to DN. I towered a foot above him and gave him my hardest bone cruncher handshake. My voice was friendly but my eyes were like a hawk, 'G'day DN, my wife told me ALL about you. She is saying how you are a great leader and always looks after her team'. He reddened, mumbled something about being busy and walked way. I stared at him all the way as he exited the room, my wife and the rest of her team all burst out laughing. Pathetic.
A few days after this incident, my wife gets an email from DN with upper management cc'd. DN works with her everyday so the only reason why he would send her an email in lieu of just telling her would be because he wanted her to get into trouble from the bosses. The email explained that employees are forbidden from having personal visits during work hours as it might reflect badly on the hotel. If she was to have someone pick her up that I should wait in the loading area at the back of the hotel. What the gently caress! I was super pissed now. Again, the wife calmed me down and told me to forget it (I love her, but she can be annoyingly professional sometimes!).
So I sat down and plotted revenge with my 4 of my Army mates during our weekly drinking session. We decided that the revenge should be subtle and not traceable to me (this rules out physically harming him). We then came up with a series of events that would screw with him a period of 4 days. Mind you I did this all while keeping my wife out of it (she would NOT approve!).
My mates and I went to a internet cafe and spent three hours signing up his work email address to all number of 'strange' websites from all corners of the internet. From gay dating, to armadillo appreciation, anything and everything. Somethings we say I will never be able to erase from my memory (the raw internet is a horrible place children).
We surveilled him from when left work and tailed him to his house (it wasn't hard as we had his shifts courtesy of my wife). After acquiring his address we waited till dead in the middle of the night, sneaked into yard, jacked his car up and placed all four tyres up a tree he had in his front yard. Let him puzzle that one out.
Finally, my friends and I called hotel management independently six times at varying intervals, pretended we were guests and complained that we saw DN behind the counter looking at inappropriate stuff on the internet.
I feigned disinterest when my wife came home excitingly telling me that DN was late for work as someone had removed his tyres and that management had come to ask him a few questions but seized his computer instead when he wasn't there and were going through his emails. A few days later DN had being demoted and moved to a different location across town (3 star motel owned by the same corporation). I've never told my wife my involvement.
TLDR: gently caress with an Army Officer's wife, get demoted and moved across town.
Edit: Corrected for grammar and spelling.

quote:

Might fit in here as a separate story... twas a comment first.
One of my first jobs I was assigned help-desk duty and set to learn from the resident senior staff member (ssm) , somebody who jumped on board of the year 2k hiring train... Not a very techie person.
He was not interested in the work and not an extremely pleasant person, with explosive character traits. Anyway a few months pass and I notice him making fun of almost everybody he meets, lighthearted humor if you hear it without context, but me and his other colleagues knew that it was hardly ever lighthearted. One day I make a funny remark regarding a comment he made, he heard it and started threatening me with physical violence...
Things were a bit tense going forward, he continued his poor work etiquette, closing 40-50 tickets per week, while me and the others cleared almost that much per day. Complained to the managers with hard numbers after more than 2 months of his laziness... But he said he couldn't really do anything about it...
So...
Figured out that the machines shared the same local administrator password, put a small app on the ssm Pc which generates colorful horizontal lines on the screen when triggered remotely. As if there was an issue with the monitor (he swapped his 30kg 21" crt model with one from stock) When that didn't solve it, he wanted to replace the videocard, but it was onboard... So he build over his hard drive into another pc
Issue still remains so he now thinks it's software related. Does a complete reinstall of the os, reinstall all his apps, restore data etc, at this point he has been working on figuring out what is wrong for week, he wasted a week doing nothing but this. So after the reinstall he finds everything working again, and he thinks he solved it. Next week monday I reinstalled the app, looked him in the eye and said while clicking the remote app button "now you have the issue, now you don't"
He went ballistic and actually tried to assault me, manager notices the commotion, other colleagues pretend they don't know why he's mad... Manager has an excuse now to call him into the office and in combination of the weeks of laziness... He gets fired!
2 years later he added me on linkedin and wanted to hang out... He pretended as if nothing ever happened...

...ok these might have happened but holy poo poo, can adults be that petty?

# ? May 7, 2014 18:50

York_M_Chan: Sep 11, 2003

Glorified Scrivener posted:

The University in the town where I live is dealing with budget cuts and while the comments section of the local newspaper's website always contains a rich vein of STDH, today they struck gold on a story about the University Library.

This reminds me of how in grade school there was the kid whose uncle works for Nintendo and by high school that same kid had a company interested in his program he can't show anyone.

FrozenVent posted:

I think I've struck gold.

http://www.reddit.com/r/ProRevenge/

As a platoon commander who has led soldiers in Afghanistan, I have nothing better to do than put tires in trees.
I love how the only two options are 'don't say anything' or 'ruin a man's life' - no first trying to just tell him to stop.

shit_that_didnt_happen.txt: Schoolyard Style

York_M_Chan has a new favorite as of 19:38 on May 7, 2014

# ? May 7, 2014 19:35

Glorified Scrivener: May 4, 2007; His tongue it could not speak, but only flatter.

J Miracle posted:

EDIT: I do believe that guy exists and told that story, there's a guy like that in almost every small town, they usually "made millions for" somebody else while getting screwed out of it somehow, also they're often working on a book and "know what's really going on around here."

Agreed, though I think the narrator has embellished whatever was said in this case. To me its the framing device is what makes the whole thing gloriously STDH. On first read I thought I'd stumbled across a blog post by someone with self diagnosed multiple personalities and "head mates".

quote:

Strange things happen sometimes during our morning coffee gatherings, now the five of us. A couple of other customers have suspected who we are over the weeks and give us snippets now and again.

quote:

We knew that already thanks to others who�ve had the same problems, a long list, and have seen their case files.

I suppose the writer could be the head of a band of brave citizen journalists dedicated to exposing corruption wherever it may be found. But wait, they've posted again;

quote:

That's the rumor anyway. A rumor that has spread considerably, and one that might be somewhat to blame for the lightness of the spring quarter.

This, left on our table as we went for more coffee this morning. But we wanted time to corroborate the information, which appears valid after a little basic research. So shame on the Newspaper. Clearly the paper thinks the university administrators more valuable in protecting than those parents sending their children to college.

To whoever thinking university administrators are bright, this should abrogate that notion. You do the research, otherwise you will not believe. Low enrollment explained.

# ? May 7, 2014 19:38

SpookyLizard: Feb 17, 2009

I can believe that they think such pettiness is humorous or agreeable under some circumstances. They're the snarky and whacky protagonist, giving a more subtle brand of justice to their dumb idiot jock bullies. Except instead of getting embarrassed and humiliated, they get embarrassed, humiliated, fired and possibly arrested. Because they're big jerks.

# ? May 7, 2014 22:07

leftist heap: Feb 28, 2013; Fun Shoe

Nckdictator posted:

Have some classics.

loving OBAMOWNED story

This is one of my favorites because just the mechanics of it don't make sense at all. A group of 25-40 twenty-something are at a *Halloween* party and are I guess gathered around this nerdlinger on his laptop doing what? Shouting false Obama factoids at them while he shoots them down? Do they just line up and wait their turn to get loving OWNED or what? It's not surprising that the authors of STDHs can't imagine realistic or even plausible human behavior.

Also are Tropers overwhelmingly non-English speakers? Or are they just retarded? "This troper" stories always have the worst English.

# ? May 7, 2014 22:07

The Shame Boy: Jan 27, 2014; Dead weight, just like this post.

Who the hell brings a laptop to a party anyway? Unless you're a live DJ or somthing.

# ? May 7, 2014 22:13

Seventh Arrow: Jan 26, 2005

Jerry Manderbilt posted:

Here's another variant on the classic professor STDH (in other words, where Tumblr meets Freep):

A white heteronormative cisgendered CEO professor and Baptist preacher was teaching a class on Karl Rove, known Christian.

�Before the class begins, you must get on your knees and worship Jesus Christ and accept that you too can become straight through daily prayer, self-flagellation, and eating Chik-Fil-A every day!�

At this moment, a brave, trans-Asian, self-diagnosed pansexual demiromantic vegan multisouled person who had been free of all animal products and only bought products at the local transgender co-op boldly stood up, holding a glass filled with some white liquid.

�Hey, Professor, what is this?�

The arrogant professor smirked like a rapist and smugly replied �It�s clearly milk, you crazy human being. What the gently caress does milk have to do with political science?�

�Wrong. It�s an all natural vegan soy almond kombucha latte. No animals or transpeople were harmed or raped in the making of this product.�

The professor was visibly shaken, and dropped his chalk and copy of the Wall Street Journal. He stormed out of the room, clearly planning some kind of rape. The professor realized that he had been playing into the hands of the kyriarchy of CEOs, investment bankers, the Religious Right, and psychiatrists. He then killed himself. The proper term for this is �trans-dead�.

The students checked their privilege, all diagnosed themselves with autism and gender identity disorder and joined the Gay-Straight Alliance. An obese trans-eagle furry otherkin waddled into the room and tried to perch upon the American Flag, bending the flagpole in the process. All parties involved gave up meat, Christianity, and the right to bear arms.

The students all lifted their glasses of soy fluid in a toast.

�That beverage�s name? Harvey “The One Percent� Milk.� said the vegan trans-autistic Korean.

I don't even know who these stories are supposed to be making fun of anymore :psyduck:

# ? May 7, 2014 22:40

Lowly: Aug 13, 2009

Glorified Scrivener posted:

I suppose the writer could be the head of a band of brave citizen journalists dedicated to exposing corruption wherever it may be found.

Sounds more like a group of cranky libertarian retirees trying to inject some excitement into their lives by making their daily coffee klatsch into an intrigue-ridden story of how they took down the university with subterfuge and dogged determination.

# ? May 7, 2014 22:57

Tracula: Mar 26, 2010; PLEASE LEAVE

Screen capped it, it's a gif of Dean crying.

Maybe I'm odd here and being an insensitive rear end in a top hat but if I learned that I got lung cancer I wouldn't just go straight to random website and announce it there, fishing for sympathy and knowing full well I'd get more Breaking Bad jokes than anything else :shrug:

. Could be real though.

# ? May 8, 2014 01:10

kuribo: Aug 2, 2003; Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.

Seventh Arrow posted:

A classic from the old thread:

Really, any time someone says "and so begins my epic battle," you know they're lying. Also anything that starts with "This troper recently..." should be viewed with suspicion (unless followed with the words "spent Friday night alone" or "started crying when a bully threatened me.")

What's really great is that the girl calls herself "GERD."

# ? May 8, 2014 02:30

Rupert Buttermilk: Apr 15, 2007; 🚣RowboatMan: ❄️Freezing time🕰️ is an old P.I. 🥧trick...

shitthatdidnthappen.txt: We are all visibly shaken

# ? May 8, 2014 10:21

Nckdictator: Sep 8, 2006; Just..someone

quote:

So I Went To An Exorcism Once

Yep, not even joking. I heard about it through the cosmic grape vein and invited myself to it. (read broke into the church it was happening at dressed as a priest)

They already had the woman bound to the chair by her wrists, elbows, chest, ankles, thighs, head, and neck, not to mention the three point harness on her chest. The chair looked to be made of pure iron, bolted to the cement floor. She was hooded and I could hear her crying.

�Please stop.� Fear in her voice. �I�ll do anything.� Her words are muffled by both the hood and the six priests muttering scripture.

�Be quite demon!� Holy water, nothing happens. �In the name of the lord i command thee!� Holy water, nothing happens again. �Leave this woman!� Water, nada. �Begone Satan!� Once again, zip.

�I�m not a demon!� Screamed very loud.

�She is right.� Me.

�What?� Head Priest turns to me.

�She isn�t a demon, there aren�t any demons. What you have here is a spirit who has taken up residence in a body that would have been unused. The child died in birth but came back because this beautiful being breathed life back into it.� Stares, priests stop muttering. �What you are doing now is trying to rip a soul from it�s body, it�s rightful body. My dear, childish fools, you yourselves are the demons.�

The woman has stopped crying. �Lullaby?� Hope full.

�Got your s.o.s. No fear kiddo, they wont hurt you no more.� What happened next can be summed up by something written ages ago:

�Darkness falls when a dragon rears it�s head.

True story, they never did another exorcism. Course that could have something to do with being�well�.use your imagination.

quote:

( I am not fishing for karma, I just want to share my story with all of you and help me understand what I just witnessed) I am in the military and can proudly say i'm an atheist in a foxhole. I am stationed near Nashville and where i live is a very religious community. I went to to Nashville for a car show but decided stay the night to try and get some action. Later that night i met an older woman (I'm in my mid 20s and i think she said she just turned 30) we began talking, hitting it off great. We got a cab to her hotel and things got heavy, i noticed a cross necklace but thought nothing of it, until she stopped and explained how she is still a virgin. I sat there and said ok and was about to get dressed to leave when told me how she only does anal to preserve her purity in god's eyes. I was in shock, i have never heard of this thought process and being curious i asked how only having anal sex keeps her pure. She said and i quote "only women of immoral behavior and temptress servants of the devil have vaginal sex without being married." And she continued with "sexual intercourse with the anus isn't in the Bible and will not offend our lord, and just to make sure i always pray for forgiveness after i indulge in my temptations." I was speechless, i didn't know what to say, so i got dressed and walked out.

Has anyone ever met someone like this, not so much as the sexual experience just meeting someone who translates there own beliefs into something to justify what they are doing?

quote:

Sit down folks and let me tell you a story on how I not only entered the friend-zone but I managed to escape. Now I wouldn�t say I�m a novice to the seduction methods around here, but I am far from being good at it as you will see.

This story starts off with your typical boy meets girl (whom I will refer to as Kate) story. I met Kate at a local book store while I was out and about. I believe I went in to buy the hard back copy of one of my favorite books or a cook book. That is not important. What is important is that I spied this beautiful little Asian girl with a copy of John Keats�s complete work tucked under her arm. I quickly worked my way over to her and opened her with a �Is that for school or are you looking for the right romantic words to say to me?� She laughed and told me that she liked his works and it had nothing to do with her Masters. I told her that he was one of my favorite poets and recited one of the verses from a poem he wrote from memory. The look on her face told me that I had performed the equivalent of bringing her to a raging orgasm while she was tripping on ecstasy. I quickly made an excuse to leave and handed her my phone while I went to purchase whatever I was buying. By the time I had finished with my purchase I had her phone number, e-mail , and name already programmed into my phone. She even dialed her phone to make sure I could return the favor.

Over the next few weeks we went out a few times, but each date was unique and a bag full of mixed signals. One date she was buying me drinks and grinding against me while we played pool; the next date she was acting as nervous as if I had told her that Chris Brown was my personal idol. What had made it worse is that I still could not K-close her. By the third date I had grown tired of the game and started to shut her out, which normally works on most girls but on this one just made her grow even more distant. I finally asked her what was wrong and she explained that she was considering taking a job across the country after she finished her courses at the end of the year. She didn�t want to be in a relationship and wouldn�t do anything intimate (including kiss) if she was going to move. After a bit of discussion she asked if I would be ok with just being friends. I stupidly agreed because I had fallen under her spell.

Fast forward a few weeks and we are hanging out regularly. With the exception of her not introducing me to her friends she has pretty much by all definitions become a regular facet in my life. Then one of my good friends (and wingmen) called me out on it. Damnit, I have become her platonic mate. This would not do. So over the next few weeks I became unavailable and stopped being the AFC. Then it happened. We went out to a local bar after a movie and while she was texting her sister I got up and started talking to another girl. I came back to this angry eyed, 5�2, ball of seething rage. How could I disrespect her by hitting on another girl and getting a # close in front of her. I calmly looked her in the eyes and smiled. �Kate you know how I like when you put on that angry face, but I need you to stop trying to seduce me. We are friends remember?� She glared at me a few moments and told me that it she didn�t think that I would be so callous about it. I just shrugged and told her next time I would leave her to get the number while she was around. The next day we hung out I had brought along my friend Rob (the same wingman) out with me to play pool. During one of the rounds I had struck up a conversation with waitress who was now slipping us free shots. Kate had now started to find little excuses to talk to me when she came around till I decided the CB needed to stop. I looked at her and asked her what she thought of the waitress. She immediately gave me negative ideas and tried to down play the girl�s looks and such. I asked Rob and he told me that maybe the free shots was to help her chances and not mine. I decided to play this to my advantage and told Kate she would be my wingman since Rob obviously was going to be too objective tonight. I then suggested we go approach another table of girls and get them to join our game. The look in her face told it all. This girl was good at playing her game, but telling her that I wanted other people to play with her toy was like asking her to put down old yeller. She begrudgingly went over and helped me successfully open the girls. Fellas, even at their worst women negate another women�s defenses. Soon both tables were playing and having fun. Here was two guys surrounded by a group of HB6s and 7s (Kate still being a 9). Kate left after two rounds stating she needed to work on a paper for school.

Several days go by and we don�t talk and I go on with my life. Then the other day she calls me up and asks me what I�m doing. I told her I am cooking dinner and asks if she wants to join me. Even though she lives about an hour away via public transportation she got a taxi and was over at my place in 30 minutes. We sat down and had a nice dinner and decided to watch some TV. Without asking, she starts to massage my neck and offering to give me a rub down I wouldn�t forget. I agree and we reposition so that she can straddle me to work on my back. After about 5 minutes I start feeling her lips on the back of my neck. I jokingly remind her that this isn�t a massage I normally let my friends give me. To my surprise she stopped and collapsed on top of me and try to make out with me. It was the most awkward thing that I have ever seen anyone try to do and I immediately started to laugh at her. She then told me trying to be my friend was the worst decision she ever made and desperately wanted another chance to be more. To paraphrase her �Being your friend was the hardest thing I�ve ever had to do. I was fine with it at first but watching you hit on other girls and have fun with them made me realize what I wanted and couldn�t have�. Other words were said, but honestly I don�t remember. We ended up with an Fclose that night with another session scheduled for tomorrow.

So the lesson I have learned is this. If a woman friend-zones you, turn them into your friend. Treat them like one of the guys and ask them to wing with you. The worst thing that can happen is that they turn out to be a bad wingman and you have to spend time training them. The best that can happen is what happened to me.

TL/DR: Met a girl. Ended up being Friend-zoned. Forced girl to experience what it is like to be friend. She came back begging to be more.

quote:

When I was in about 2nd grade or so, my parents sent me to this bible camp. It was what you would expect, my parents would drop me off every day, I'd get into my group, and we'd sing bible songs and do activities. My experience was made worse by the presence of tweedle-bitch and tweedle-oval office, two sisters with high pony tails and unwavering fake smiles. Our group counselor was this old guy who saw through their bullshit though, he made everything slightly less lovely for me.

Our tale begins out on the front lawn on day 2 or 3 of camp, and I hadn't attracted the attention of the tweedles quite yet. We were playing ball or something as an entire camp, but tons of people were on the sidelines being bored, including me. Thankfully I had a piece of blue string tied to a stick to entertain me, I think I was pretending it was a magic wand.

Now before we continue, does anyone else remember some obsession with annoyance when we were kids? Like, calling people annoying, purposefully trying to annoy people, crazy frog, etc.

Anyways, tweedle-bitch comes up to me and just stands there. She seemed transfixed by my string. She suddenly started to get angry.

Bitch: Stop it! That string is annoying meeeeee!

Me: Why?

Bitch: It just iiiiiiiss! Stop it or I'm telling the counselor!!!

Me: I want to play with my string, why don't you just go away?

At this point she grabbed my string violently from my hands, steppes away from me and tries to break the string by pulling it apart. I freak out because I'm a stupid kid, and I hit her in the face, kinda slap-like, I don't really remember.

Bitch instantly turns on the water works.

Bitch: You're in trouble! I'm telling!!!

She dropped the string and runs to our counselor sobbing. I was scared shitless that I would be punished or something. I'm sitting there watching her tell on me, and bro counselor must have seen the whole thing or he didn't give a poo poo, because he dismissed her without punishing me. She walks back to the field a little ways away from me and gave me a death glare. She didn't talk to me for the rest of the day, like I gave a poo poo.

After this, tweedle-bitch and her sister wanted blood. A day or two later I was making macaroni pictures with some other kids when the tweedles walk in and start talking to me. They had been at some other activity or something.

Bitch: Hey Prune! We want to show you something!

Me: Ok.... What is it?

oval office: It's a surprise... ;3

I hesitantly follow the tweedles out into the hallway, down a couple corridors and off to the quiet part of the building, where a fat boy was waiting. He proceeded to give me a pedo smile (or as pedo as a 2nd grader can get anyway)...

Me: stops a good 10 feet away ...who's this...

oval office: This is [insert generic henchman name here], we wanted you to meet him

Me: Backing away Nope Nope Nope I want to live today please thank you... Runs back to crafts room

Little me thought they summoned him to beat me up. It's possible looking back that I had a secret admirer and the tweedles were just setting him up on a date.... but judging by their actions in the next part of the story, it seems unlikely.

At the end of the week or so of bible camp, there was going to be a carnival put together mostly by counselors, but the day before we helped out by painting signs and such. The tweedles came up to talk to me during free time the next day.

Bitch: Hey Prune! We want you to come meet our grandma!!!

Me: I don't know, I don't really want to follow you again...

oval office: Oh come on! We promise she's nice!

Me: Am I in trouble?

oval office: Noooo, we just want to show you our grandma! :3

Me: follows suspiciously

Apparently their grandma volunteered for the church, she was working the donations table or something.

Me: Hi tweedle-grandma! I'm Prune!

Tweedle-Gran: Yeah, I know you, you're the girl who beat up my sweet Tweedle-bitch.

Me: blank stare

Tweedle-Gran: How dare you! Hitting is unacceptable!!!

Me: But... Bitch tried to break my string... And I only hit her once...

Tweedle-Gran: UNACCEPTABLE!!!

Me: Maybe if I try hard enough, I could use the powers of darkness to turn into a bat and fly away

I don't really remember how it ended, but I was crying and she eventually dismissed me. I was mad at the tweedles though.

Me: Why did you lie to me? You said I wasn't in trouble?

Bitch: That's what you get for hitting me! You deserve it!

Our story ends on carnival day. My dad came to pick me up, but some how he ran into Tweedle-grandma before he found me. He was pissed, and grabbed my by the arm and pulled me to the car. He was super embarrassed by what I "did". I'm not sure what she told him, but it was probably something like I beat up her innocent grand kids several times. My counselor say me on the way out, his face was kinda confused.

In the car on the way home I got berated for a while, I was sobbing, I eventually explained that I only hit her once, and it was after she tried to break my string. He got less pissed, and I told him about how they lured me into the hall with a scary boy, and lied about their grandma so I could get scolded by her.

Everything was ok after that, and I never went back to that camp.

TLDR: Bitches better not gently caress with my string

quote:

Two women behind me in the lunch line today were having a typical xtian discussion about gay marriage and how they didn't think it was "right". When they got into the pedophilia angle, I finally couldn't stand it anymore, and turned around. I remarked "There are a lot of people who think that gays should be allowed to marry. I'm one of them."

The women both looked surprised that anyone would say such a thing, and one of them replied, "Does your church doctrine agree with that?" So I responded, "I don't go to church, I'm an atheist." (this is the bible belt by the way, and I'm not generally "out" as an atheist here for reasons that are obvious).

She made a moue of disgust, and the other woman then chimed in with "Well, there aren't many atheists in the USA, it's not like your opinion really counts!"

That's when my mouth got ahead of my brain, and I shot back "I see you're of African-American descent. The percentage of unbelievers in the USA is about the same as the percentage of African-Americans here. Does that fact make your opinion not really count as well?"

Then my lunch order was handed to me, and I walked off with them staring daggers at me. We'll see if there's any fallout...

quote:

Once in America I was working on my car outside when these 3 kids started walking towards me menacingly. Before I knew It I was getting jumped... but then my best friend who is for lack of a better word huge grabbed 2 of them by the neck and threw them towards the grass then punched the third in the head. Then we kicked their asses pretty bad until their parents came out and called us atheist monsters how could we fight children. They were 16-17... no cops where called.

Later we found out their parents where having a bbq and saw me working on my car and started saying how I was an atheist. Then after a few beers told their kids to go beat me up. AMERICA!

funny point my friend is not an atheist, after the fight he said "see bro god is good he gave me a sign to come earlier so I can have your back"

# ? May 8, 2014 16:31

Bukowski: Dec 28, 2009; hammulder

What the gently caress is a k-close?

# ? May 8, 2014 17:09

oldpainless: Oct 30, 2009; This 📆 post brought to you by RAID💥: SHADOW LEGENDS👥.
RAID💥: SHADOW LEGENDS 👥 - It's for your phone📲^TM� #ad📢

Keurig-close

# ? May 8, 2014 17:11

Roro: Oct 9, 2012; HOO'S HEAD GOES ALL THE WAY AROUND?

Bukowski posted:

What the gently caress is a k-close?

A kiss, I guess?

# ? May 8, 2014 17:19

Stroop There It Is: Mar 11, 2012

Yeah, K-close is kissing and F-close is loving. Closing means "sealing the deal" with the HB in some way.

At least his bullshit story will encourage other fedoras to at least pretend to treat their friend-zoning beep boop objectives like actual friends instead of constantly pressuring them?

# ? May 8, 2014 17:25

GAINING WEIGHT...: Mar 26, 2007; See? Science proves the ~~Jews~~Muslims are inferior and must be purged! I'm not a racist, honest!

Stroop There It Is posted:

Yeah, K-close is kissing and F-close is loving. Closing means "sealing the deal" with the HB in some way.

At least his bullshit story will encourage other fedoras to at least pretend to treat their friend-zoning beep boop objectives like actual friends instead of constantly pressuring them?

What is HB? I always read it as "hot body" but I know that can't be right.

# ? May 8, 2014 20:11

Big Grunty Secret: Aug 28, 2007; Just one question, though. Is there a way to take off my pants?

GAINING WEIGHT... posted:

What is HB? I always read it as "hot body" but I know that can't be right.

"Hot babe", "hard body", "hot bitch"

Pick your poison.

# ? May 8, 2014 20:27

jodai: Mar 2, 2010; Banging with all due hardness.

Nckdictator posted:

[ "real life exorcism", definitely not a Dresden Files fanfic, it really happened I swear]

Does anybody know where this post came from? The way it's written I'm sure the person has tons more stdh about how he's some kind of magical antiestablishment hero.

# ? May 8, 2014 20:31

Seventh Arrow: Jan 26, 2005

jodai posted:

Does anybody know where this post came from? The way it's written I'm sure the person has tons more stdh about how he's some kind of magical antiestablishment hero.

It was in the previous thread, I know that for sure.

"cosmic grape vein"

# ? May 8, 2014 21:15

Nckdictator: Sep 8, 2006; Just..someone

Seventh Arrow posted:

It was in the previous thread, I know that for sure.

"cosmic grape vein"

Yeah, that's where I found it.

quote:

My close encounter with the jew kind was in Finland, where I lived and studied the Finnish language, worked on boats and shoveled snow off of roofs in the winter. My girlfriends dad let me shoot his mosin hunting rifle out back in the woods, and I thought I would make a video of it, since it was my first time shooting. I put the video on youtube and I thought it wasn�t a problem.

Meanwhile I was posting links on my facebook page to world war 2 history and facts about the Bolshevik communist death camps, and christian casualties. I posted a blog about Jews and their genetics and how they are a diabolical race along with their negroid pawns, particularly in America where I come from.
A couple of weeks later FIVE FINNISH POLICE OFFICERS WITH BULLET PROOF VESTS, GUNS AND POLICE TRUCKS showed up at my girlfriends fathers house where I was staying and took my laptop, took me by the wrist, and threw me in the back of the truck without telling me or anyone else why, which is totally illegal.

When I got to the police station I was thrown in a jail cell and told the investigator would speak with me �I don�t know when, but today.�
A DAY WENT BY and still no investigator. I had no idea if I was being charged for some murder that I didn�t commit, or who knows. I went a day and a half without food OR water. And finally somebody came in with breakfast and said the investigator will come in shortly this morning. LATER THAT NIGHT the investigator finally came in and told me why I was there.

�You are being charged with incitement of hatred against an ethnic group. But we brought you in for shooting without a license. I will talk to you shortly, would you like to go outside and walk around?� I said yes and went towards the door, and an officer said �not right now, later.� and slammed the door on me. I never did go outside.

THIS IS ALL TRUE. About 3 hours later the investigator told me to follow him and I was interviewed, fingerprinted, photoed and set free. He said It�s up to the prosecutor what happens next.

GUESS WHO THE PROSECUTOR WAS?????????????????????????????????? BIG MYSTERY

A JEW WHO HAS BEEN READING EVERYTHING I POST ON FACEBOOK AND INTERPALS.NET FOR YEARS. HE WAS JUST WAITING FOR THE RIGHT MOMENT TO LOCK UP AN INTELLIGENT WHITE MAN WITH INHIBITIONS AND A SPINE.

My human rights were violated in a way that is absolutely dispicable. These people are so incredibly dirty.

When I told on facebook how I was jailed for pretty much no reason and starved and mentally abused, the jew actually had the nerve to write under it saying �oh the police in jyvaskyla did that? that�s terrible.� That was before I knew he was the prosecutor. He was using his dirty jew tricks to keep himself in my circle to monitor me for a few more years. Trash.

I don�t want to share my real name online anymore because of what happened, but I am a 19 year old young man, English, German and Irish ancestry, son of a genious LED inventor, and I have an IQ of 130.
Thank you for reading my jew experiance, which I have never shared with anyone except for my girlfriend, Long live the white mind!

quote:

I stopped taking showers every day. I have stopped the religious scrubbing of my masculine body scent with the artificial chemical you call soap. Since then, my success with women has increased 400%. My intoxicating pheremones now fill the air around me, attracting women who long for a rugged, natural man.
It all happened by accident. I found out that I can gain an extra 15 minutes of sleep by skipping the morning shower. It�s not so much that I need an extra 15 minutes of sleep, but now instead of getting up at 8:45am I can get up at 9am, a number that pleases me psychologically. There is one major downside: in the morning it looks like there are small animals living in my hair. But by lunchtime it settles down once the grease starts kicking in. Many girls ask me what product I put in my hair when they are really just staring at scalp grease. (It really builds up in the middle, but that�s probably because I only use conditioner. Shampoo is for the devil).

quote:

(I�m walking around the store seeing if any shoppers need help.)

Me: �Excuse me, sir, are you finding everything all right today?�

Customer: *turning* �Oh, what the f*** is this?�

Me: �Um� what is what?�

Customer: �I haven�t been helped by a single American since I got here. Are you people even hiring whites?�

(Our town has a regrettably accurate reputation for being somewhat racist. Customers often ignore non-white employees or refuse their aid. I�m of Indian descent, but was born and raised a few miles away in Phoenix.)

Me: �Sir, all our employees are American citizens. If you don�t need help, though, I�ll just go.�

Customer: �Hang on, where�s your manager�s office?�

(I point.)

Customer: �Good!�

(Without warning, he grabs my arm and drags me forcefully to the office. He pushes it open without knocking.)

Customer: �You need to arrest this man! He�s an illegal!�

(My manager turns in her chair. She�s got light brown skin, and is often mistaken for Hispanic.)

Manager: �Sir, I know for a fact [my name] is a citizen. And you need to take your hands off him right now.�

Customer: *not letting go* �Oh my God! They�ve got a Mexican in charge. No wonder you don�t hire whites!�

Manager: �Sir, more than half of my employees are white. Now let [my name] go or I will call the police.�

Customer: �Are you threatening me? I�m a real American, you can�t threaten me!�

(At this he pulls out a Swiss Army knife and points it at her.)

Manager: �No, I�m not. Would you like me to?�

(Without warning, she draws a knife of her own from nowhere and slams it point-first into the desk.)

Manager: �That�s one. I�m carrying nine. Let him go.�

(The customer goes pale and releases both my arm and the knife.)

Manager: �Thank you.�

(Instead of letting him go, my manager locked him in the office and called the police, who came and arrested him for assault and threatening with a weapon. As they were leading him out, my manager stopped him for a moment.)

Manager: �And by the way, I�m not Hispanic, I�m Romani. If you�re going to be a racist, at least learn the difference.�

quote:

I�m plenty smooth when meeting women, but I tend to avoid it, as the settings when these opportunities arise aren�t my cup of tea anymore. This has been the most fruitful one though, and it happened recently.

A couple of weeks ago I attended a media seminar at a hotel, after which I decided to grab a few drinks at the bar. As I order my second drink (scotch, neat) this classy, pretty lady to my right jokingly says to the bartender �Are you sure he�s old enough to drink? (pointing at me). That�s a mighty fine drink for someone who doesn�t seem to have enough years on him to need it.�

So being drunk with confidence (that�s right), I responded: �I�m old enough to know what I like, and that you wouldn�t make the joke if you weren�t the least bit interested in me.�

She then said, with a somewhat somber tone in her voice: �Even if that were the case, I�m probably 10 years older than you. I��

�I can also assume that you�re either intimidated by me or too afraid of social stigmas to be upfront about it,� I replied. �So let me make it easier on you. Another vodka soda and some company?� She said �I�d love that.�

We kept drinking for two hours before she invited me back to her place. Turned out that she�s almost exactly 10 years older than me (I�m 24). Naturally, I paid the huge bill (hotel bars, am I right?) and we hailed a cab.

It was at this point that I found out she�s an accountant and owns her own condo. She�s pretty well-off, to say the least. Despite the drinking though, she was a bit nervous about the whole thing. She said she always wanted to approach a younger guy but she was too intimidated by our bravado. Once I assured her there were plenty of us interested in older women, the night went by like a freakin� dream. The following morning she she even cooked me breakfast and drove me home.

We�ve been on six dates since, and she refuses to let me pay a single dime. She repeatedly says �You graduated college recently. You have better things to spend your money on than a woman who�s already giving you what you want and who already has what she wants.�

So by being a smug bastard with an older woman, I�m now dating an amazing person who happens to be loaded and spoils me with fancy dinners, concerts, and good sex.

Yes, I know what you�re thinking: �Is this real life?� I ask myself that drat question every day I see her, but it is, and it�s loving glorious. Some have implied I�m just a boy toy for her. I�m ok with that.

EDIT: TL;DR: Being smug while drunk with confidence nabbed me a glorious relationship with a beautiful, wealthy woman who�s 10 years older than I.

quote:

(We�ve just hired a new bartender, and he�s on a training shift with me. About an hour into his shift, I notice something a little odd: he is completely ignoring any requests from female customers as if they aren�t even there and is only serving male customers. On this night, my neighbor is at the bar as she is giving me a ride home while my car is in the shop.)

My Neighbor: *to the new bartender* �Hi there. Can I get��

(The new bartender makes a shooing motion with his hand at my neighbor and speaks to the male customer next to her.)

New Bartender: �What can I get you sir?�

(The male customer looks at her, then at the new bartender.)

Male Customer: �Actually, I think the lady was here first.�

New Bartender: �Well, I don�t take orders from women. Women have no right to speak in the presence of a man, and they should learn their place, not be out in bars. This is a man�s land.�

Male Customer: *shocked* �Um� I think I�ll wait for the other bartender.�

My Neighbor: �Hi, excuse me��

New Bartender: �Silence, filth! You can�t talk to me!�

My Neighbor: �Actually, I can. And since you work here and it�s illegal for you to refuse service based on prejudice, you can either get me what I tell you to get me, or I can come and talk to [owner�s name] tomorrow night. Either way, you put your own nuts in the vice here, sweet pea.�

New Bartender: *turns paper white* �You know [owner�s name]?�

My Neighbor: �Yeah. And I might just come in and talk to him anyway since you apparently think it appropriate to be such a misogynistic heap of uselessness.�

Me: �Hey, [neighbor�s name]!� *I hug her* �I�m running a little late. We�re waiting for the closer to come in. She�s going to show him what the procedures are.�

New Bartender: *to me* �You know her?!

Me: �This is my neighbor. The one I told you was stopping by to give me a ride since my car was in the shop?�

(The new bartender knows he�s really screwed at this point, and tries buttering up my neighbor.)

New Bartender: *to my neighbor* �Hey, I�m� I�m r-really s-sorry, you� you ain�t gonna s-screw me with the owner are you?�

My Neighbor: *sips her drink* �Don�t hold your breath, sweet pea.�

quote:

Seems there was a group of Ku Klux Klansmen in Texas who heard that some Pagans were holding a ritual out in the woods somewhere. Having run out of other minorities to harass, they decided to get back to their roots and practice some religious bigotry in addition to the usual racial intolerance and break up the party with a good ol� cross-burning.

So anyway, these fellows loaded up some lumber and a couple of cans of gasoline and went out hunting for these Pagans they�d heard about, hoping to catch them dancing nekkid around a fire or something.

They found the spot where the other vehicles were parked and donned their hoods. Grabbing the lumber and gasoline, they assembled a cross and strode off into the woods, confident that they�d scare any remaining pants off the fluffybunny Pagans.

They were a little disconcerted to find themselves looking at the business end of at least 2 spears, a couple of swords, assorted knives, and more than one firearm. They�d crashed an Asatru blot and didn�t realize that not all Pagans are pacifists.

From somewhere behind the hardware, a voice called out �If that cross goes up, you�re getting nailed to it. I�ve got my hammer right here��

The Klansmen left in a bit of a hurry, it�s said.

quote:

Spartan hardware store

Customer: �Look! My friend told me I could get this type of hammer at your store! Now go get it for me!�

Cashier: �Sir, I already told you� we don�t have ANY hammers back here that aren�t already stocked on the shelves.�

Customer: �LOOK HERE. F**K YOU! I KNOW YOU�RE TRYING TO SAVE MONEY BY SWITCHING OUT YOUR STOCKS! GET ME THIS HAMMER!�

(At this point, I come to the front of the store, overhearing what�s going on; note that I�m the manager.)

Me: �Is there a problem?�

Customer: �Yes sir! Your employee here is not doing what I tell her to!�

Me: �Well, you need to calm down and understand that we don�t have what you�re looking for. So maybe you should go back to shelves and check��

Customer: �F**K THAT!!! IT�S NOT THERE, OKAY?! YOU NEED TO F**KING GET ME WHAT I ASK FOR!�

Me: �That�s it. Get out of my store.�

Customer: �What? NO!�

Me: �Sir, get out, or I have to take you out.�

Customer: �Then do it!�

(I go around the counter and approach the customer. I yank him by his collar & drag him to the door.)

Me: �Now, then� you wanna apologize and maybe come back in?�

Customer: �No! I just want my hammer! God, what is this madness?!�

Me: *puts the customer down*

Customer: *confused* �� What is it?�

(I turn back to the cashier, who nods in approval. I then turn back to face the customer.)

Me: �Madness? THIS! IS! SPARTAAAAAAAAA!� *kicks customer out of store and slams door*

quote:

So� at the store this morning�

�Look at that rear end! Nice child-bearing hips!�

I looked at him, but said nothing. I looked at him like he was an office memo and turned away. He didn�t take kindly to that response.

�When someone compliments you, you say �Thank you.� and not be a bitch about it!�

Do I have an audience now? Yup. Okay. Time to play.

�When someone reduces my worth to if I�m gently caress-worthy or not, I don�t bother acknowledging that person as someone worth being social to.�

�I�m just trying to be nice, you loving bitch!�

�Then engage the intellect, and stop talking with your balls.� The women in the audience giggled. Some of the men hid their head to hide their mirth.

�gently caress you, bitch! You�re probably one of them dykes, anyway.�

�Sour grapes much? You can�t have the fruit, therefore it must be rotten? And if you define �dyke� as �women that refuse to have sex with you�, then I am the Dyke Queen, Empress of Lesbiania, with a Ph.D. in Dykeology. And you, are now excused from my class.�

I turned and went down the aisle of the grocery store. He started to come after me, viciously cursing as he did so, but a man stopped him and said, �I�m married to a �dyke�, and am the father of a �dyke�, and it is my duty to make sure the Queen of Dykes is not hosed with any further by a little pissant like you. I suggest you leave, before you find out how many other men are fond of �dykes� like her.�

He left. No one said anything directly to me about it. A woman did ask if I was lesbian, to which I answered, �Did it matter? Either way, he was off the menu.�. She smiled, nodded, and walked away.

I swear, I do not seek out controversy.

Nckdictator has a new favorite as of 22:04 on May 8, 2014

# ? May 8, 2014 21:32

fuccboi: Jan 5, 2004; by zen death robot

I taped a recent interaction with a patron at a business establishment

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=smE1kjEsdZk

# ? May 8, 2014 22:08

GAINING WEIGHT...: Mar 26, 2007; See? Science proves the ~~Jews~~Muslims are inferior and must be purged! I'm not a racist, honest!

is that mandy goddamned patinkin

# ? May 8, 2014 22:36

Seventh Arrow: Jan 26, 2005

ahaha I forgot all about the "SILENCE, FILTH" one. A true classic.

# ? May 8, 2014 22:38

Pththya-lyi: Nov 8, 2009; THUNDERDOME LOSER 2020

Nckdictator posted:

Asatru vs. KKK

Should have crashed the Wotanist party, they could have chilled together

# ? May 8, 2014 22:51

Adbot: ADBOT LOVES YOU

# ? Apr 28, 2024 13:27

duralict: Sep 18, 2007; this isn't hug club at all

Nckdictator posted:

I turned and went down the aisle of the grocery store. He started to come after me, viciously cursing as he did so, but a man stopped him and said, �I�m married to a �dyke�, and am the father of a �dyke�, and it is my duty to make sure the Queen of Dykes is not hosed with any further by a little pissant like you. I suggest you leave, before you find out how many other men are fond of �dykes� like her.�

Thank goodness there was a man there to intervene.

# ? May 8, 2014 23:16

The Something Awful Forums > Main > Post Your Favorite: Carefully Curated > shit_that_didnt_happen.txt: TRUE WISDOM FROM WHERE YOU EXPECT IT LEAST. AMEN!

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