shit_that_didnt_happen.txt: TRUE WISDOM FROM WHERE YOU EXPECT IT LEAST. AMEN!

The Something Awful Forums > Main > Post Your Favorite: Carefully Curated > shit_that_didnt_happen.txt: TRUE WISDOM FROM WHERE YOU EXPECT IT LEAST. AMEN!

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sweeperbravo: May 18, 2012; AUNT GWEN'S COLD SHAPE (!)

KiddieGrinder posted:

It came from tumblr:

Even has applauding at the end. I was hoping the [cop] and [protagonist] would get married, but, can't have it all.

Harassing women on a train, that's a paddlin. Threatening a cop, hoo boy, that's a paddlin'.

# ¿ May 7, 2014 00:46

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# ¿ May 10, 2024 20:23

sweeperbravo: May 18, 2012; AUNT GWEN'S COLD SHAPE (!)

Nckdictator posted:

I stopped taking showers every day. I have stopped the religious scrubbing of my masculine body scent with the artificial chemical you call soap. Since then, my success with women has increased 400%. My intoxicating pheremones now fill the air around me, attracting women who long for a rugged, natural man.

400% of zero is still zero

# ¿ May 9, 2014 00:45

sweeperbravo: May 18, 2012; AUNT GWEN'S COLD SHAPE (!)

silencekit posted:

I don't understand the mechanics of how the penis allegedly slipped out up top after he waist-tucked. Even if his boxers slipped down some, wouldn't his shirt still be covering the front? Unless his shirt was tucked in, but if he had done that, then he couldn't have covertly strapped his penis in.

Fishnet trousers

# ¿ May 21, 2014 21:17

sweeperbravo: May 18, 2012; AUNT GWEN'S COLD SHAPE (!)

FrozenVent posted:

It was probably written one-handed if you know what I mean.

This is true. People have a humiliation fetish. It's the only thing that would make sense.

# ¿ May 22, 2014 00:27

sweeperbravo: May 18, 2012; AUNT GWEN'S COLD SHAPE (!)

tacodaemon posted:

This would be funny if it was like (generously) one eighth as long and if he didn't spend so much time patting himself on the back of how funny the clerk & manager thought it was.

# ¿ May 27, 2014 02:34

sweeperbravo: May 18, 2012; AUNT GWEN'S COLD SHAPE (!)

Farmland Park posted:

To end credit card chat I have this toughguy.txt revenge fantasy from an expat forum

I love how the worst offense in his opinion is that the other guy doesn't speak English as his first language

# ¿ May 31, 2014 00:56

sweeperbravo: May 18, 2012; AUNT GWEN'S COLD SHAPE (!)

Pidmon posted:

He was whatever the PUA terminology is for 'being blunt and thinking it's flirting' and pronouncing it as "'smydick"

negging

# ¿ Jun 19, 2014 04:17

sweeperbravo: May 18, 2012; AUNT GWEN'S COLD SHAPE (!)

Lowly posted:

Where is that thread? I could really use something like that about now.

Meanwhile, on tumblr:

Minus creativity points for:

- No standing ovation from the women across the way
- Alternately, the women across the way do not burst into a round of "Bohemian Rhapsody"
- No one notices her heroics and proposes marriage

I like it as a form of peaceful social protest but yeah it sounds sitdishy

# ¿ Jun 20, 2014 19:23

sweeperbravo: May 18, 2012; AUNT GWEN'S COLD SHAPE (!)

GAINING WEIGHT... posted:

This is so lame it gave me leprosy

I simply do not comprehend how anyone over the age of generously 16 could find this at all amusing

# ¿ Jul 1, 2014 16:15

sweeperbravo: May 18, 2012; AUNT GWEN'S COLD SHAPE (!)

Pththya-lyi posted:

Speaking of Queen songs, I was at a bar last night and a bunch of people sang "Bohemian Rhapsody. . ."

. . . It was a karaoke bar.

But I swear, that song is following me!

I (like apparently most of the global population) used to adore this song but thanks to the stories in this thread it now brings on almost "Don't Stop Believing"-levels of anger and discomfort.

Hey! STDH authors! You're so bad at writing, you make people hate music they once loved

# ¿ Jul 4, 2014 13:14

sweeperbravo: May 18, 2012; AUNT GWEN'S COLD SHAPE (!)

Stoatbringer posted:

Facebook and Bill Gates track all photos of fatties on the internet and will send you $50 every tim u share dis!

Read this as Bill Clinton at first.

Toriori posted:

Then she lost the competition because the others swimmers were nothing but lean muscle and that's how physics works no matter how badly obese people wish otherwise.

E: loving hell, I love TiTP. So many posts of "I have back pain, am depressed, knee problems, fatigued etc so I went to the doctor and he had the GALL to tell me to lose weight!!!" and then people just suggest they change doctors! Man, I've never been obese, just a little chubby in the past, but as soon as I cleaned up my diet and started working out I felt and still feel far better than ever before. Totally believe some bodies are just stockier, some leaner or whatever no matter how hard you work, but I love the disregard for real, actual science.

Yes. Like, anyone worth anything can tell you that a healthy weight means something different for everyone. But that doesn't mean that every weight is a potential healthy weight for anyone. No one who is average height and is like 55 pounds is healthy, no one who is average height and is 350 pounds is healthy. There is no disadvantage-cancelling survival benefit to being morbidly obese, that is why it's called "morbid."

They act like it's all a "looks" thing, entirely like you said disregarding actual science of physics and how much space a person's body takes up. I don't use the term "politically correct" almost ever, but you can't change physics to be "politically correct." Embrace the way you look but remember that the body's first purpose is to function and keep you alive! If your body pride is based primarily on your weight and it's negatively impacting your ability to live your life, we call those "disorders!"

Naw, just kidding, everyone is a mean poo-rubber, keep destroying the only body you have on earth because you'd rather be dying and defensive than admit maybe your life choices haven't been the best :thumbsup:

# ¿ Jul 5, 2014 15:43

sweeperbravo: May 18, 2012; AUNT GWEN'S COLD SHAPE (!)

JoeyJoJoJr Shabadoo posted:

Then the TiTP mod wrote a nasty, really mean 5000 word apnea how she was wrong/ fat shaming or etc.

I know it's a typo but I kind of love the idea that TiTP writers are so absurdly fat they can write sleep apneas.

corn in the bible posted:

How is this stdh? Sounds like pretty typical high school kids hooking up story

# ¿ Jul 5, 2014 18:03

sweeperbravo: May 18, 2012; AUNT GWEN'S COLD SHAPE (!)

You have to be a real dick about praying in order to actually get in trouble for praying in school. In which case it's not the fact that you're praying that's the problem, it's the fact that you're being unreasonably disruptive or disturbing to others! But who cares about that when we can get some of that sweet sweet oppression cred

# ¿ Jul 5, 2014 18:45

sweeperbravo: May 18, 2012; AUNT GWEN'S COLD SHAPE (!)

Stroop There It Is posted:

I like how he literally describes the discrimination that LGBT people face, except we get it for existing and not for publicly stating beliefs that other people are subhuman. Oh, and we also get assaulted and murdered for it too--I wonder how many anecdotes he can pull up for that happening to people for being traditional Catholics in the U.S.?

But but at least you guys can run to your safe-haven lib-zones!!! Everyone has been indoctrinated to accept and protect you!! This is why you never hear about gay people being assaulted anywhere and why gay marriage is mandatory!!

# ¿ Jul 5, 2014 19:05

sweeperbravo: May 18, 2012; AUNT GWEN'S COLD SHAPE (!)

Mister Adequate posted:

e; as for the anecdotes question he linked to a site that I'm pretty sure is like an actual hate site and I'm now on a list just for clicking his link and it was going on about all kinds of poo poo about white genocide and how awful and racist black people are and stuff.

Was it Stormfront?

# ¿ Jul 5, 2014 20:19

sweeperbravo: May 18, 2012; AUNT GWEN'S COLD SHAPE (!)

YOU ARE, IN FACT, BEING THE RACIST!

# ¿ Jul 9, 2014 16:27

sweeperbravo: May 18, 2012; AUNT GWEN'S COLD SHAPE (!)

System Metternich posted:

I misread that as first as a bunch of kindergarteners busting out into an impromptu musical number. I think I like that mental image more.

At first I thought they were singing the theme song from Arthur which made me even more confused.

# ¿ Jul 10, 2014 15:44

sweeperbravo: May 18, 2012; AUNT GWEN'S COLD SHAPE (!)

Bonster posted:

Why wouldn't they just call a tow truck?

Or call the police the first time? Or put a door on their garage? What is it, some open stable?

# ¿ Jul 10, 2014 23:17

sweeperbravo: May 18, 2012; AUNT GWEN'S COLD SHAPE (!)

Bloopsy posted:

I'm really disappointed that the story didn't end with the dad marrying the parking woman.

And the water in the pool de-Alex Macking into a person and clapping

# ¿ Jul 11, 2014 00:17

sweeperbravo: May 18, 2012; AUNT GWEN'S COLD SHAPE (!)

razorrozar posted:

This is the most one I think I've ever seen. That doesn't look remotely like a child's handwriting and a cursory Googling shows the joke's been made, and better, a thousand times.

A daughter can be a thirteen year old. But yeah. Still :effort:

# ¿ Jul 17, 2014 04:05

sweeperbravo: May 18, 2012; AUNT GWEN'S COLD SHAPE (!)

ToxicSlurpee posted:

People just kind of assume that a chemistry lab in a university just kind of has every single chemical ever, or at least the ingredients to make them, just kind of laying around for any idiot to wander on by and cook up any controlled substance they want. Couple that with the whole "universities = liberals and liberals = drug using hippies" and people readily believe that every university chemistry department manufactures drugs for, like, any reason. Because, you know, universities have infinite money, right? They can just supply students with free chemicals to do just kind of whatever with.

Next thing I know, you're going to tell me the periodic table isn't just a table of boxes of powdered elements for labaratory use!

# ¿ Jul 17, 2014 21:41

sweeperbravo: May 18, 2012; AUNT GWEN'S COLD SHAPE (!)

ChiaPetOutletStore posted:

That dad either takes incredibly long sips,or doesn't know how to pace himself.

He gotta get that epiglottis checked man that could be serious

# ¿ Jul 26, 2014 17:30

sweeperbravo: May 18, 2012; AUNT GWEN'S COLD SHAPE (!)

Would have been better if the running person said "Gotta go fast."

# ¿ Jul 27, 2014 15:18

sweeperbravo: May 18, 2012; AUNT GWEN'S COLD SHAPE (!)

Paladinus posted:

You can even see them both reflected in the tap. Totally legit.

It makes kid-sense, really. "Mommy, is this side the bottle-pouring side?" "What do you mean" and then that whole thing ensues.

Like, no, he doesn't do it every time he fills a water bottle, he coulda just done it the one time because he interpreted the handle of the thing as "The long pour-ey side"

Yeah it does smack of MY AMAZING CHILD :swoon:

but as far as the kid themself coming up with it, not totally stiddy.

# ¿ Jul 28, 2014 15:22

sweeperbravo: May 18, 2012; AUNT GWEN'S COLD SHAPE (!)

razorrozar posted:

Even if the kid DID come up with it... it's dumb. The measuring cup has a spout on the other side specifically for pouring stuff into small containers. It's like one of those lifehacks that waste time to do a shoddy job so you don't have to work a little harder and do it right.

Also it wastes water, though admittedly not much.

No, yeah, it's definitley dumb, I wasn't trying to defend it as a cool life hack (partly because i hate that meme anyway). But what I'm saying is it's dumb in the way kids come up with dumb things because they think they've figured out the reason why something is a certain way. Like yeah there's the spout on the side, but then what's this side for? Why's it open like that? If it's a handle, why isn't it solid, like the handles on most other cup-things?

Paladinus posted:

The real stdh part here is that a five-year-old wouldn't be able to reach all the way to turn the water on.

"Here mommy, put this on the middle part of the sink, and put the water on!" "What, this way?" "Yep! See? Water-pourer!" "MY BRILLIANT BABY :swoon:

I know it's just a dumb memetic post, I'm just saying the kid coming up with that part is actually fairly believable if you've spent any time around kids that age.

# ¿ Jul 28, 2014 17:22

sweeperbravo: May 18, 2012; AUNT GWEN'S COLD SHAPE (!)

razorrozar posted:

Fair point. Alright, we'll call this one plausible instead of busted.

And I promise not to be a pedant about things in the STDH thread in the future since it's not funny or good to do that.

Stalin McHitler posted:

Every time someone here abbreviates Not Always Right as "NAR", I read it as "Not Actually Real". Am I the only one?

Sometimes I process it as "Not Always Retarded" but then my mind immediately responds "Yes, it is."

# ¿ Jul 28, 2014 17:44

sweeperbravo: May 18, 2012; AUNT GWEN'S COLD SHAPE (!)

Paladinus posted:

A photo of Reagan is a nice touch. Do people really do this in America?

At least have a picture of the Pope. The owner's Italian, for Christ's sake, it writes itself

# ¿ Jul 29, 2014 16:46

sweeperbravo: May 18, 2012; AUNT GWEN'S COLD SHAPE (!)

Seventh Arrow posted:

Habeas fartus

Toot Law

# ¿ Jul 29, 2014 19:17

sweeperbravo: May 18, 2012; AUNT GWEN'S COLD SHAPE (!)

Khazar-khum posted:

My parents gave me beer.

Anime!

He loves [Anime]

For Christ's sake

# ¿ Aug 2, 2014 15:42

sweeperbravo: May 18, 2012; AUNT GWEN'S COLD SHAPE (!)

Paladinus posted:

I never understood this. Do they think someone might doxx them just by anime they were cosplaying? I mean, it didn't happen anyway, so why not just mention any popular anime?

Wouldn't it ruin your immersion if you disagreed with the quality of the anime chosen????

# ¿ Aug 2, 2014 19:09

sweeperbravo: May 18, 2012; AUNT GWEN'S COLD SHAPE (!)

Palisader posted:

I know this is STDH, but number one, is Dave's Sammy's literally the only business on what the gently caress ever fake street name? And number two seriously, this dude has a weird obsession with describing people based on their skin colour. What does Dave being a 'mulatto' have to do with his 'olive skinned beauty'?

For real. It's like the logic is supposed to be that that's the only store it could POSSIBLY be, and that OBVIOUSLY the two darker-skinned people must be married because interracial relationships are just for out-of-wedlock jollies?

I thought it was gonna turn out it was Dave's sister or something, you know? Like he sees a picture somewhere in the apartment of the guy. At least then the rest of it would make sense.

Sex that didn't happen

# ¿ Aug 4, 2014 01:13

sweeperbravo: May 18, 2012; AUNT GWEN'S COLD SHAPE (!)

Doctor_Acula posted:

What happens next will surprise and gratify you!!!!!!

This psychic should stick with their day job

# ¿ Aug 6, 2014 23:08

sweeperbravo: May 18, 2012; AUNT GWEN'S COLD SHAPE (!)

Captain Bravo posted:

"I don't know, ma'am. Why don't you ask that gentleman who just walked off with 23 pies. He might have some idea."

It's like that Spiderman meme from ages ago. "He bought 23 pies. That's as many as 2.3 tens."

# ¿ Aug 7, 2014 16:34

sweeperbravo: May 18, 2012; AUNT GWEN'S COLD SHAPE (!)

DiverTwig posted:

gently caress eating in general, but the idea of going outside, where the loving day star will blind you, and going to a brightly lit fast food restaurant?? Hell no. Migraine for me means put me in a dark, quiet room with a place to lay down and leave me the gently caress alone.

A migraine is just a big headache right? Literally exactly the same, right? I just get cool martyr cred for calling it a migraine instead of a headache?

# ¿ Aug 7, 2014 17:10

sweeperbravo: May 18, 2012; AUNT GWEN'S COLD SHAPE (!)

SpookyLizard posted:

That's Lex Luthor, not spiderman (and it's from an illustrated children's dictionary)

Whoops, got it mixed up. And I knew it was from a children's book, but there was a brief period where it was shooting around the internet at lightning speed.

# ¿ Aug 7, 2014 18:35

sweeperbravo: May 18, 2012; AUNT GWEN'S COLD SHAPE (!)

The only way any of these people could possibly get out their long-winded sentences in time to BURN the other person is if you opened their control panel and set their speed settings to 4x

# ¿ Aug 8, 2014 01:25

sweeperbravo: May 18, 2012; AUNT GWEN'S COLD SHAPE (!)

Seventh Arrow posted:

Also people who think that the flu is just a really bad cold.

Or depression is just being sad because your grandpa died a week ago

# ¿ Aug 8, 2014 02:44

sweeperbravo: May 18, 2012; AUNT GWEN'S COLD SHAPE (!)

Pththya-lyi posted:

Yeah, that's basically it. "I'm socially awkward, just like Mr. Spock and Data from Star Trek! That means I'm smart like them, too!" Plus, who even needs friends when you have a genius brain to depend on? (The answer is everybody, everyone needs to depend on others at least some of the time.)

Remember the Jimmy Neutron episode where Sheen wishes he was even smarter than Jimmy and he ends up being miserable because being that smart makes him also really really mean and nobody wanted to be his friend anymore

That's what I always think of when I read this kind of garbage from people like that

# ¿ Aug 8, 2014 05:03

sweeperbravo: May 18, 2012; AUNT GWEN'S COLD SHAPE (!)

moerketid posted:

I love the fact that when he's asked for proof or a receipt, he answers:

Instead of just "no, who the hell hangs onto receipt for 2 years?". It's like the ultimate stdh hallmark when they give elaborate, overdetailed explanations for simple things.

Exactly. It's because they know that including an important detail can lend credibility to a story, but take the concept too far and include so many details it sounds fabricated.

# ¿ Aug 9, 2014 19:51

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# ¿ May 10, 2024 20:23

sweeperbravo: May 18, 2012; AUNT GWEN'S COLD SHAPE (!)

PUGGERNAUT posted:

I have never in my life encountered a woman who gets mad when a man holds the door open for her.

I have, however, encountered a few guys who refuse to let a woman hold the door open for them.

Well, she was in her low 20s.

# ¿ Aug 14, 2014 16:23

The Something Awful Forums > Main > Post Your Favorite: Carefully Curated > shit_that_didnt_happen.txt: TRUE WISDOM FROM WHERE YOU EXPECT IT LEAST. AMEN!

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