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IT'S OVER! Recaps and links to archived broadcasts will come sometime this weekend. Are you for loving real? This poo poo is back again? That's right, E3 is just  ONE WEEK AWAY. You know why you're here. You're not interested in the games. You've already got 250 games in your Steam backlog you haven't touched. You're not here to learn about exciting new technology, business models, DLC season pack announcements, or what device can also play Netflix (it's every. it's every device). You're here for one thing and one thing only...       https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f6OCnvvkSLM E3 is less than one week away, gently caress. And its return is timely. Nintendo has posted yearly losses, Microsoft is shaking off rumors of selling the Xbox division, Sony has... probably done some bad stuff... And some goons have become so disgruntled about their respective console purchases that separate criticism threads have to exist to keep everyone from strangling each other. E3 is a welcome retreat for these companies and their worn-down, soul-crushed fanbases to prove to the world that everything's fine and the industry isn't becoming unsustainable, don't look at the seams don't look at the seams. E3 reveals are already being leaked, like FROM Software's Project Beast, Ubisoft's Assassin's Creed Unity, EA's Battlefield: Hardlines and possible sequels to Dishonored and Mortal Kombat being hinted at. Real, hoax, all that matters is that you won't get to play them for months either way. Just get ready for cutscenes, punchable faces, celebrity cameos and live musical performances at extremely inappropriate times. But first, let's flash back to last year...  A Look Back to E3 2013: It was a simpler time. Every American had three cars, 2.5 kids, and five jobs. Nintendo had released approximately one game for the Wii U, Microsoft was promoting their latest device as a FUTURE PROOF cable TV enhancer, moviegoers genuflected in the glow of The Dies' latest masterpiece Fast & Furious 6, and Joe Flacco had just been given 120 million dollars for not sucking too much in a super bowl. E3 2013 took place June 10-13th. Almost everyone hosed up. Animals were rented and given bowties. - Microsoft:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5yC8FbgGnd0 "Hey so here's the plan. We're going to put stuff.. just right up your butt. A whole lot of things, while we film it with the power of Kinect. Wait, where are you going? Did you know we're powered by clouds? Millions of clouds everywhere. I don't understand why you're still walking away. Did you know that Twitch is coming to Xbox One? Day one my friend, only on Xbox. And you can video skype while playing games. We won't regret saying that. Check out all these huge exclusive games we're getting, like Titanfall, and also Titanfall. CABLE TV IS THE FUTURE!!!" - Sony: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kWSIFh8ICaA Literally all Sony had to do was show up and do the exact opposite of Microsoft, and they pulled it off. Also Sony announced that they have literally partnered with every indie developer on the planet, including people who use QBasic to make multi-colored text calculators. I think Jonathan Blow showed up at one point to talk about how graphics are stupid, except for his graphics. Also Media Molecule used the power of PS4 to put on a puppet show. It wasn't free from stupidity-- I'm pretty sure they gave David Cage several minutes on the stage to talk about the beauty of his pristine video game dolls-- but the important thing was, it didn't piss anyone off, which was basically the low bar for academic success last year. - Nintendo:  PSST! shh, shh, come over here, don't tell anyone. We're here at E3 too, but don't make a big deal about it. Big goof at the game factory. Meant to bring a whole bunch of great new games, accidentally shipped a bunch of Triscuit boxes to the Nokia Theater. All we've got now is an HD port of a 10 year old Zelda and these triscuits, but they're really good. We're going to devote a 15 minute Nintendo Direct exclusively to triscuit snacking. Nintendo mostly brought their leftover dinner to the table in 2013. It was not a look to the future so much as a look towards the rest of the year, and as a result, Nintendo's 2014 release slate is a complete unknown, other than Smash Bros in Summer for 3DS and Winter for Wii U. Okay, maybe it's not unknown so much as they have nothing to show at all. Combined with low visibility and poor, confusing marketing, Nintendo has now posted multiple yearly losses, and Iwata's approval rating is at an all-time low with his vote for re-election coming up this June. It's been a bad time. - Ubisoft: The bad news: Ubisoft is still not ready to talk about Beyond Good & Evil 2. The good news: They DID produce a TV show based on their most insufferable property. You know how the Rayman rabbids are extremely unentertaining? Well what if they were unentertaining for 22 minutes a day? Also here's one member of Alice in Chains for some reason. Please pretend Watch Dogs is still really amazing, because otherwise no one will want to e-web with our uPlay DRM and cyber-game some uPoints. - EA:  The only thing I can remember is that Plants Vs Zombies was turned into a shooter, leaving Dungeon Keeper as the only franchise that EA has not attempted to convert into a shooter, but give them a little more time. They're still working on Theme Park: A Cinematic Tactical Shooter. What Can We Expect This Year? Flash forward to 2014. Nintendo has released two games now, Peyton Manning had been destroyed by the Seattle Seahawks and grew really weird facial hair that suggests he's developing a Chris Gaines alter-ego, and everyone is waiting on baited breath for Vin Diesel to see his shadow and grant us 6 extra weeks of summer. This E3 won't have the fun guessing game of "which one of 20 promised things in this keynote is actually real", but that's okay. The year after the previous gen debuted, E3 was so out of control that IT WENT INTO HIDING the following year in an air hangar. And now, Year 2 of next-gen is back again. poo poo is going to get weird  This year, in the wake of Oculus Rift's Facebook acquisition, you might see a mountain of me-too VR solutions, including Sony's VR Morpheus project. When you move your head, the camera moves! Isn't that worth attaching this brick to your face? Please give us twelve thousand dollars. Comes with a free Google Glass 5% off discount coupon and a portfolio of failed Kickstarter OUYA projects. Some dormant IPs are finally getting ready to resurface. Kingdom Hearts 3, for the DeviantArt crowd. Persona 5, which everyone will call stupid anime poo poo and then they'll secretly buy it (THE PERFECT CRIME). You know there's another Alien game? We keep trying to cure the disease but the antibodies aren't doing their loving job. The movies were cool, please please stop making Alien games. This is an intervention. E3 2014 CONFERENCE SCHEDULE: (subject to change) Monday, June 2nd Apple: WWDC 14 (1:00 PM ET/10:00 AM PT) Location: San Francisco Apple is live-streaming this event for the first time in a long time, so they have something notable to announce, although it's probably not INCREDIBLY gaming-relevant. iOS8? iPhone 6? A new Mac line? The window of opportunity for Apple TV to be a 'player' has long sailed past, putting it in the same bin as OUYA as far as microconsoles are concerned. Thursday, June 5th GOG.com: The Witcher 3: Wild Hunt (2:00 PM ET/11:00 AM PT) Location: Venice Beach, California Host: CDPR co-founder Marcin Iwiński “If you think you’ve seen it all, we hope we’ll make you think again. This year’s conference is going to be really special, as we’ll be unveiling details about the much anticipated Witcher 3: Wild Hunt and its Collector’s Edition, and also taking a look at how what you love about GOG.com can be made even better.” Monday, June 9th Microsoft: Game On! (12:30 PM ET/9:30 AM PT) Location: Galen Center Host: TBA Televised: Yes (Spike TV) Stream: Twitch, GameTrailers, Youtube, Xbox.com Human waffle iron Don Mattrick is no longer at Microsoft -- he's been assigned to the S.S. Zynga as it sinks into the ocean. There's constant hounding pressure on Microsoft to sell off the Xbox division and those rumors likely aren't going to go away anytime soon, but expect Microsoft to ignore the elephant in the room this June. In life there are four certain things about Microsoft keynotes: A Call of Duty live demo, CliffyB telling us how many celebrities he's friends with, a Halo teaser, and skits about TV being reinvented by shouting poo poo at a camera. Phil Spencer says this E3 keynote will be FOR HARDCORE GAMERS, which is a lot like how quarterbacks that win the Super Bowl say their fans are THE BEST FANS IN THE WORLD. Early leaks: Halo Collection (2014), Halo 5 (2015) EA: World Premiere: E3 2014 Preview (3:00 PM ET/12:00 PM PT) Location: Shrine Expo Hall Host: EA CEO Andrew Wilson Televised: Yes (Spike TV) Stream: Twitch, GameTrailers, Youtube, EA.com So there's some new Star Wars and Dragon Age poo poo, who cares, but what if Mirror's Edge 2 shows up? Man can you just imagine how easy it would be for EA to transmogrify that IP into something terrible? Don't be surprised if you fight aliens. You probably have to fight aliens, and parkour over them. Also, the World Cup is literally the same week as E3, so expect a lot of pop icons telling you why FIFA is important. To be honest, I think half of my interest in this keynote is learning what new hideous form of micro-transactions EA has invented this year. They're always a step ahead of the game. The Sims 4 is a potential fractal of micro-transaction possibilities. EA promises six new projects to be unveiled, including a "major new game" powered by Frostbite 3, which is probably Battlefield 5. Maybe this time they'll ship a functional game. Early leaks: Battlefield: Hardline (TBA) Ubisoft (6:00 PM ET/3:00 PM PT) Location: Orpheum Theatre Host: Aisha Tyler Televised: Yes (Spike TV) Stream: Twitch, GameTrailers, Youtube As of May 2014, Ubisoft publishes about 99% of all video games, so their keynotes have gone away from the fun "let's put laser tag in there somewhere" direction they used to do. There might be a Prince of Persia in the UbiArts engine in the works? That's a rumor that's out there. Ubisoft already leaked Assassin's Creed Unity, a game about getting the band Creed back together and then murdering them. Also Yves Guillemot will show up at some point and demonstrate to Americans what being French and eccentric is like. Mr. Caffeine is currently burrowing his way out of his time prison; if he reaches the convention center before Ubisoft does, by law he becomes the new CEO. There's going to be another Far Cry, and maybe this time they'll have a watchable trailer. Do you know the definition of insanity? It's watching the Far Cry 3 trailer. Aisha Taylor has hosted the last two events, and Ubisoft has a boardroom of people talking about her viral meme potential as we speak. You will probably be assaulted by at least 20 different Twitter hashtags during this conference. Sony (9:00 PM ET/6:00 PM PT) Location: Los Angeles Memorial Sports Arena Host: Andrew House, Mark Cerny Televised: Implied No from the Dorito Pope Stream: Twitch, GameTrailers, Youtube, Sony I'm assuming the tagline this year will be "Lather, Rinse, Repeat." We know they'll be showing off Bungie's upcoming multi-platform FPS, Destiny, and we will also see Uncharted 4, although that game has needed a few hospital trips and it's needed a few transplants. No doubt a cavalcade of past Playstation IPs will make their next-gen debut. At least one platformer with a talking animal will surely make its appearance. We'll probably hear about Playstation Now and how it won't suck like most game streaming does (but it probably will). Sadly, Jack Tretton is no longer with Sony to be awkward and nervous. Early leaks: The Order: 1886 delayed to 2015 Tuesday, June 10th Nintendo: E3 Digital Event (12:00 PM ET/9:00 AM PT) Location: The Internet Hosts: Satoru Iwata, Reggie Fils-Aime Televised: No Stream: Twitch, Youtube Like in 2013, Nintendo is hiding behind a curtain and broadcasting a prepared pre-recorded Nintendo Direct in place of the traditional event of Reggie Fils-Aime reading Powerpoint slides, showing off a new iteration of Wii Party and shouting "What more could you want?!" Nintendo's going to host daily live streams on the show floor, as well as a Smash Bros Invitational that will be held in the Nokia Theater. There could be as many as one new game announcement. Don't get your hopes up for two. Upcoming titles include X, Hyrule Warriors, SMT x Fire Emblem, Smash 4 Wii U, and probably five more NES Remix installments. A rumor of new hardware was quickly shot down by Nintendo representatives, but it can't be discounted, as Iwata has hinted at a "non-wearable quality of life" platform in the works. What does that mean? I don't fuckin know!! Early leaks: Pushmo World for Wii U (June 2014) Nintendo: Smash Bros. Invitational (7:00 PM ET/4:00 PM PT) Location: Nokia Theatre Host: Geoff Keighley Announcers: Wynton "Prog" Smith, Bobby "Scar" Scarnewman, D'Ron "D1" Maingrette Televised: No Stream: Twitch To promote the upcoming release of Smash Bros, Nintendo is holding a Smash Bros tournament between 16 "pro" Smash players, with announcers and a superfluous host. There will be two brackets including a fan favorite bracket. In the main tournament each player will select a player via draft (so the Houston Texans would select Pikachu and the Seattle Seahawks would be stuck with Mega Man?), and 3 rounds of 4-player 4-stock items-on battles will narrow the bracket down to a final round of 1v1 items-off on Battlefield. Whatever happened to going outside and riding a bike. loving nerds. It's the Smash Bros pro community, which means Nintendo is essentially being represented by 20 year olds with the brains of 10 year olds who will shout slurs and rape jokes at each other, which brings them more in line with the target demographic of Xbox One. Finally, they've caught up. Nintendo: Smash Bros. Roundtable (10:00 PM ET/7:00 PM PT) Location: Los Angeles Convention Center Hosts: Masahiro Sakurai Televised: No Stream?: Likely liveblog-only A 90 minute developer discussion about the upcoming Smash Bros games for Wii U and 3DS. Most developer roundtables by Nintendo are not broadcast to the public, but there will certainly be liveblogs. Wednesday, June 11th Nintendo: Mystery 3DS Game Presentation (9:00 PM ET/6:00 PM PT) Location: Los Angeles Convention Center Hosts: Unknown Televised: No Stream?: Likely liveblog-only 90 minute Q&A for a 3DS game that will likely be announced during Nintendo's digital direct on Tuesday morning. Like the Smash Bros Q&A, this will likely be liveblog-only. Thursday, June 12th Horizon Indie Conference (1:00 PM ET/10:00 AM PT) Location: LA's Museum of Contemporary Art Host: Unknown Televised: hahahahaha Last year was the first year of an "alternative" E3 conference for special snowflake indie games. The big announcement was Fez 2, which ended up not being released because Phil Fish got trolled into oblivion, so that should tell you a lot about what to expect here. They're actually asking for game submissions so the bar of entry seems pretty low!! M.I.A. Konami: In past years, Konami held a press conference prior to E3, but recently has opted for pre-recorded videos that don't give away a whole lot. Currently no info on if they're doing anything this year. Valve: Valve is not going to be at E3. OH WELL!! OUYA: They will be at the E3 in your heart, if you believe in them. Where to Watch This year, E3 has signed a multi-year partnership with Twitch to be the official broadcast partner of the expo, although I don't know if hundreds of people shouting ANARCHY and DEMOCRACY will improve the coverage or not. I would assume Youtube and Gamespot will also cover the show, but come on, we all know what we're watching.  GameTrailers and Spike TV are the only spectacle that matches the supreme idiocy of the show itself, with babbling guest hosts like Peter Molyneux talking about cubes, critical insight from "gaming journalist" Stephen Totilo, annual gamerdad Michael Pachter showing how easy it is for anyone to make up poo poo and be called an analyst, and host Geoff Keighley steering every conversation towards the sweet taste of the Mountain Dew Sangria Blast, hold on let me just order it on my SAMSUNG GALAXY PHONE. If last year was any indication, they will sink even deeper into poo poo. GameTrailers/Spike TV All Access E3 2014 officially goes live Monday, June 9th at Noon ET/9 AM PT with a 30 minute Microsoft Pre-Game Show (is it a sport now?). Rules: Who gives a poo poo, this is E3 motherfucker. You can criticize games or you can salivate over them, either way you can't touch them for a long time, so you can't get mad if someone thinks it looks stupid. Because it probably does. The 7th Guest fucked around with this message at 16:26 on Jun 13, 2014 |
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May 7, 2014 00:05
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 No no no what are you doing why do you want to know about the games?? You know them shits is gonna be pre-rendered fake gameplay. Alright whatever, here are the games people think they want to see at E3. DESTINY (X360/XB1/PS3/PS4) - Bungie/Activision [SEPT. 9TH, 2014] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lwu5fSsystE Revealed prior to last year's E3, Destiny is an MMO-ish FPS that's not set in the Halo universe but it might as well be because it's by Bungie and they don't know how to make their games not look like Halo. Even though there's a lot of hype and a lot of promise (10 year life cycle!!), this game is destined to fail. Why? Activision revealed this week that Destiny has a production and promotional budget of $500M, which is not only a record, but it shatters the previous record of GTAV's budget of $265M. Breaking even on a brand new IP with that overhead is going to be next to impossible; it's a microcosm of the "AAA" movement in the industry that even 10 million copies sold would be a failure to break even. So you know this dog's gonna have some meaty, copious, omnipresent DLC, all around you, in the air you breathe. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OTDqKk2VFXA It's part live-action, part game, part TV show? This doesn't really sound like a recipe for success, but maybe CBS will produce the TV show and it'll be a hit with the Mike & Molly crowd. Remedy's games are known for intentionally campy acting, goofy plot twists, and meandering gameplay. In Max Payne you run from indiscernable room to indiscernable room; in Alan Wake you run from indiscernable part of forest to other indiscernable part of forest. This game has time travel so maybe you will time travel to 2012, and then 2004, and then 2009. And you can post internet memes before their creators invent them and steal all that internet ad money. This is the plot to the next Back to the Future film. METAL GEAR SOLID V: THE PHANTOM PAIN (X360/XB1/PS3/PS4) - Konami https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vZX-_JrppYA Hideo Kojima says that The Phantom Pain is 200 times larger than Ground Zeroes. Between MGSV and 24: Live Another Day, Keifer Sutherland is having a very good year. He hasn't even been to rehab yet!! A release window could be announced at E3, but probably not via a tattoo on Peter Moore's arm. PROJECT BEAST - From Software  We don't know much about this one but it looks like even more Dark Souls. If I had to guess, I bet it's some sort of medieval Armored Core where you ride robots. You just destroy everyone with your giant robot and become emperor of Europe. LEGEND OF ZELDA (Wii U) - Nintendo  Nintendo has only one big gun to pull out at E3, and it's Link. They've already said Zelda will be unveiled this year, and rumors of non-linearity and co-operative multiplayer will probably be shot down so that Nintendo can spend more time honing all that juicy tutorial dialogue. HOLY poo poo YOU GOT 5 RUPEES, HOLY gently caress. AHHHHHH THIS IS INCREDIBLE. Would you like to know how Rupees work? Here's a guided tour of Hyrulian economy. ASSASSIN'S CREED UNITY/COMET (TBA) - Ubisoft [Holiday 2014] This one was leaked, no major details but it seems to take place in France? There's a portion of the game where you get hired by Yves Guillemot to hunt down all of Ubisoft's competitors, and then you beta test the latest Rayman game. It's a weirder, more esoteric iteration in the series. FAR CRY 4 (XB1/PS4/PC) - Ubisoft [November 2014]  This Far Cry apparently takes place in the Himalayas and has rideable elephants. I don't know if that's necessarily the most efficient way to get around, but I'm assuming you can install some nitro on them, blast up ramps and do some sweet elephant kickflips, while Goldfinger music blasts in the background. The premise, from Ubisoft: "Hidden in the majestic Himalayas lies Kyrat, a country steeped in tradition and violence. You are Ajay Ghale. Traveling to Kyrat to fulfill your mother’s dying wish, you find yourself caught up in a civil war to overthrow the oppressive regime of dictator Pagan Min. Explore and navigate this vast open world, where danger and unpredictability lurk around every corner. Here, every decision counts, and every second is a story. Welcome to Kyrat." Look forward to the DLC bonus campaign where you travel to the country of Badrat. PERSONA 5 (TBA) / PERSONA Q (3DS) - Atlas [2015?] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HdW_Y46DXiA Yeah like you're not buying these games. Make sure to couch your purchase in a thick layer of how much you hate most anime, cause this poo poo is THE MOST ANIME. You date anime girls and fight demons with the dick chariot that lives in your head. You can say you hate anime all you want, while making an exception for Persona games, but it's a known fact that as soon as you buy a Persona game, you're going to walk into your house and trip over about twelve body pillows and land in a pile of unfinished Gundam model kits. The 3DS Persona is a spinoff game that is made in the Etrian Odyssey engine, which is kind of a peanut butter and chocolate situation. Just by reading this paragraph, your desktop wallpaper has probably already changed to an anime girlfriend. TALES FROM THE BORDERLANDS - Telltale [Summer 2014]  It's probably not the greatest idea to start spinning more plates when you haven't proven you can spin more than one simultaneously, but Telltale is going to be taking on a lot of projects in the aftermath of Walking Dead being a big hit for them. The same gameplay formula of Walking Dead and Fable will now be adapted to the Borderlands world, where you play as two characters, Rhys and Fiona, which sounds like the name of an indie folk band. One of Telltale's producers says Borderlands' universe rivals Star Wars, so they may have gone off their meds over there. Or maybe that's the only way you can write for Borderlands. BATTLECRY (PC) - Bethesda [2015] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AjbY271qrw0 Announced right before E3, Battlecry is not Fallout 4. Instead of getting that out of the oven, we have a F2P TF2-alike, sans guns. Five classes, swords and arrows, some steampunk poo poo. Everything you'd expect to see in a Kickstarter pitch, but instead it's a Bethesda game, which means it will have all the jankiness of a Kickstarter game. OTHER NOTABLE GAMES RUMORED/CONFIRMED FOR E3 Ace Attorney Trilogy (3DS eShop) - Capcom [Winter 2014] Alien: Isolation (X360/XB1/PS3/PS4/PC) - Sega Batman Arkham Knight (PS4/XB1/PC) - Warner Bros Battlecry (TBA) - Bethesda Borderlands the Pre-Sequel (PS3/X360/PC) - 2K [October 2014] Call of Duty: Advanced Warfare (TBD) - Activision Civilization: Beyond Earth (PC) - 2K Danganronpa 2: Goodbye Despair (Vita) - NIS Deep Down (PS4) - Capcom Defense Grid 2 (XB1/PS4/PC) - 505 Games Disgaea 4 (Vita) - NIS Dragon Age: Inquisition (X360/XB1/PS3/PS4/PC) - EA [Q3 2014] The Evil Within (X360/XB1/PS3/PS4/PC) - Bethesda FIFA 15 (TBA) - EA [Q2 2014] Gears of War 4 (XB1) - Microsoft Gun's Up (PS4) - Sony (trademark filing) Halo 5 (XB1) - Microsoft [2015] Hitman Sniper (Mobile) - Square Enix Montreal Hotline Miami 2 (PC) - Devolver Digital Hyrule Warriors (Wii U) - Nintendo Kingdom Hearts 3 (TBA) - Square Enix Layton & Phoenix Wright (3DS) - Capcom/Level5 Madden NFL 15 (TBA) - EA [Q2 2014] Mad Max (X360/XB1/PS3/PS4/PC) - Warner Bros Mirror's Edge 2 (XB1/PS4/PC) - EA Monster Hunter 4 Ultimate (3DS) - Capcom Natural Doctrine (PS3/PS4/Vita) - NIS NBA Live 15 (TBA) - EA [Q3 2014] NHL 15 (TBA) - EA [Q2 2014] Not a Hero (PC) - Devolver Digital The Order: 1886 (PS4) - Sony Project Grave (TBA) - Crytek Project Spark (XB1) - Microsoft Shin Megami Tensei x Fire Emblem (Wii U) - Atlas/Nintendo The Sims 4 (TBA) - EA [Q2 2014] Sonic Boom (Wii U/3DS) - Sega Star Wars: Battlefront (TBA) - EA [Q2 2015] Sunset Overdrive (XB1) - Insomniac Super Smash Bros 4 (Wii U/3DS) - Nintendo/Namco Tom Clancy's The Division (XB1/PS4/PC) - Ubisoft Ultra Street Fighter IV (X360/PS3/PC) - Capcom Uncharted 4 (PS4) - Sony The Witcher 3 (XB1/PS4/PC) - CD Projekt RED [Feb 2015] X (Wii U) - Monolith/Nintendo Half Life 3 (haha just kidding gently caress you) The 7th Guest fucked around with this message at 17:24 on Jun 5, 2014 |
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May 7, 2014 00:05
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Every game you listed sucks.
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May 7, 2014 00:06
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Yep. And there's gonna be all new games announced that will also be bad.
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May 7, 2014 00:08
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I hope someone during the Ubisoft show puts on a VR helmet and walks off the stage.
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May 7, 2014 00:10
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I shall leave a pile of empty dew cans, some stale chips, and a bunch of diabetic medication at the front door of E3 at patronage to the Triple A 10 Million Dollar Lords of Gaming.
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May 7, 2014 00:13
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Will the OUYA booth upgrade from a convenience store parking lot to a strip mall parking lot?
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May 7, 2014 00:13
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Oh boy Naughty Dog is going to release another lovely game with terrible gunplay. Can't wait to fight waves and waves of the same cookie cutter enemy. alternatively: Oh boy [every lovely dev] is going to release another lovely game with terrible gunplay. Can't wait to fight waves and waves of the same cookie cutter enemy.
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May 7, 2014 00:15
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Mercury Crusader posted:Will the OUYA booth upgrade from a convenience store parking lot to a strip mall parking lot? Was just going to post about the lack of Ouyas this year. They're 70 bucks at target RIGHT NOW but I'm waiting for them to drop in price so I can have a fancy quasi-paperweight(they're not that heavy and a strong gust of wind will blow them over).
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May 7, 2014 00:15
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virtualboyCOLOR posted:Oh boy Naughty Dog is going to release another lovely game with terrible gunplay. Can't wait to fight waves and waves of the same cookie cutter enemy. GamesRadar posted:In a blog post from November of last year, Naughty Dog's community strategist Arne Meyer wrote that "Amy [Hennig], Justin [Richmond], and the team are hard at work on an amazing new installment of the Uncharted series to be released exclusively on the PlayStation 4 system," adding "We can confirm that the voiceover is performed by Todd Stashwick and he will play a character in the game." Six months later, every team member mentioned in that statement--all of them playing an integral role in Uncharted on PS4--is now gone.
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May 7, 2014 00:17
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Here's to hoping Microsoft either humiliates itself even further or goes full Mutually Assured Destruction mode if they don't even want to try hiding their division's spin-off. Really start E3 with a bang.
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May 7, 2014 00:18
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Quest For Glory II posted:Not only that but it's having serious problems. The writer and director left in the middle of production, and then Uncharted 4's game director quit. Didn't they go off to found Red Button studios and try and make Uncharted Sonic and Daxter II: Australian Weeaboo?
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May 7, 2014 00:18
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virtualboyCOLOR posted:Oh boy Naughty Dog is going to release another lovely game with terrible gunplay. Can't wait to fight waves and waves of the same cookie cutter enemy. Next-gen gaming is here at last! 1080p chest high walls and 60fps QTEs! And maybe a sequel to last year's critically-acclaimed zombie-themed ladder-moving simulator?
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May 7, 2014 00:19
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Quest For Glory II posted:Not only that but it's having serious problems. The writer and director left in the middle of production, and then Uncharted 4's game director quit. And then their lead artist quit. And then one of the writers who plays one of the characters quit, and the character had to be re-cast. Good. Naughty Dog hasn't made a fun game since Crash Bandicoot one when I was a dumb teen and didn't know better. Now I'm a worthless adult too cynical for their poo poo. May they crash and burn for Last Of Us, the game that made me wish I played DOTA instead.
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May 7, 2014 00:19
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The Taint Reaper posted:Didn't they go off to found Red Button studios and try and make Uncharted Sonic and Daxter II: Australian Weeaboo?  Mercury Crusader posted:Next-gen gaming is here at last! 1080p chest high walls and 60fps QTEs! And maybe a sequel to last year's critically-acclaimed zombie-themed ladder-moving simulator?
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May 7, 2014 00:21
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I can't wait until EA fucks up it's 10 million dollar deal again and then they decided to buy out another studio(From Software most likely) and make the third Dark Souls game a cover shooter but this time you use arrows instead of guns. I mean you know that Sim City and Dead Space was not the last franchise to be ruined
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May 7, 2014 00:23
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Crabtree posted:Here's to hoping Microsoft either humiliates itself even further or goes full Mutually Assured Destruction mode if they don't even want to try hiding their division's spin-off. Really start E3 with a bang. Microsoft's show is definitely going to be the one to watch. Sony will be your standard E3 stupidity. Ubisoft will do their usual "you think you're stupid? We'll show you how to be stupid!" stuff. EA will pretend that people care about their games. But Microsoft is going to be special. With the behind the scenes maneuvering happening right now their E3 presentation could wind up being a couple of managers getting up on the stage and sobbing for fifty minutes. Or they could be desperately trying to pretend that nothing is wrong and that they haven't already sent out resumes to everyone. Or they could go out there and loudly declare that they're holding a royal flush when everyone already knows they're holding a busted straight with an an 8 high. Whatever Microsoft's presentation turns out to be, it's going to be special.
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May 7, 2014 00:23
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Quest For Glory II posted:Yes and it looks weird. Naughty Dog and Sonic and deserve each other as both are past their prime from the 90s.
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May 7, 2014 00:24
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Naughty Dog hasn't been great since the PS1 era so its not a real loss. Though hopefully the people there can find jobs when they inevitably close down.
Accordion Man fucked around with this message at 00:27 on May 7, 2014 |
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May 7, 2014 00:25
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So if the Xbox and Wii-U both get destroyed by their own internal companies, this means that games are only going to be put out on the PS4 and PC. We are so close to Videogame Singularity. Soon we shall be bitching from our Oculus Rifts.
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May 7, 2014 00:29
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Random Stranger posted:Ubisoft will do their usual "you think you're stupid? We'll show you how to be stupid!" stuff. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aKRWubusKBU&t=295s The 7th Guest fucked around with this message at 00:33 on May 7, 2014 |
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May 7, 2014 00:30
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Why am I here and why are video games so bad, why is E3 so lovely and terrible? Is it my old, bitter heart, or is this poo poo just objectively way more terrible than it used to be?
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May 7, 2014 00:32
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Hey come on guys don't be so down on video games. They're still alright! 
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May 7, 2014 00:33
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I'm honestly excited to see what Microsoft's presentation is going to be like after they got owned so hard by sony last year. Will they actually make their rip-off free games program not a piece of poo poo compared to PSN? Will they permanently sold the $100 price gap between the bone and the ps4? [e] I guess it goes without saying that I'm also excited to see marketing people put on a show pretending to be human this year too. I wonder how many times the speaker will *pause for applause* that will never come. DrManiac fucked around with this message at 00:37 on May 7, 2014 |
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May 7, 2014 00:34
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JordanKai posted:Hey come on guys don't be so down on video games. They're still alright! He's right, Kirby Triple Deluxe released last Friday! There's still some justice in the world!
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May 7, 2014 00:35
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DrManiac posted:I'm honestly excited to see what Microsoft's presentation is going to be like after they got owned so hard by sony last year. Will they actually make their rip-off free games program not a piece of poo poo compared to PSN? Will they permanently sold the $100 price gap between the bone and the ps4? Preparing the 2nd post made me realize that "the games of E3" are hardly ever the games that everyone ends up loving and it makes me want to look at past E3s to compare the super-hyped games of those years and what their final metacritic score was.
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May 7, 2014 00:37
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quote:virtualboyCOLOR posted:Good. Naughty Dog hasn't made a fun game since Crash Bandicoot one when I was a dumb teen and didn't know better. Now I'm a worthless adult too cynical for their poo poo. May they crash and burn for Last Of Us, the game that made me wish I played DOTA instead. Hey, with as much of a success as the Mortal Kombat reboot was, maybe they'll reboot Way of the Warrior!  raditts fucked around with this message at 00:42 on May 7, 2014 |
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May 7, 2014 00:39
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Quick name a good game that was announced at any E3
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May 7, 2014 00:41
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raditts posted:Hey, with as much of a success as the Mortal Kombat reboot was, maybe they'll reboot Way of the Warrior! Well, fighting game reboots are all the craze, and so are the '90s. Maybe they can get Rob Zombie for the soundtrack, I mean what else is he doing anyway? virtualboyCOLOR posted:Quick name a good game that was announced at any E3 Duke Nukem Trilogy
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May 7, 2014 00:41
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Quest For Glory II posted:A price cut has to be like the main thing about their conference. But slashing the price means removing the Kinect and then they'd have to admit that forcing Kinect on people was a mistake. I wonder if they can overcome their pride on that. Have there actually been any games that use the Kinect to a degree that makes it worthwhile? Aside from like Kinect Sports Rivals?
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May 7, 2014 00:43
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I can't wait to see how many games will be gritty and have "realistic" violence. I really loved the latest E3s because of how many games like that were shown off, so I hope this E3 continues the trend!
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May 7, 2014 00:44
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raditts posted:Have there actually been any games that use the Kinect to a degree that makes it worthwhile? Aside from like Kinect Sports Rivals? Titanfall, the flagship game for the xbone, doesn't even have an option to shout "Drop a titan on it" What do you think?
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May 7, 2014 00:45
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Remember that year they said they were closing E3 to the general public and making it more of a industry people only type event? That's the year E3 starting being an irrelevant marketing (lying) blitz versus a 'check out what we're working on, play some demos, have some fun' type deal. Adam Bowen posted:why is E3 so lovely and terrible?
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May 7, 2014 00:45
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raditts posted:Have there actually been any games that use the Kinect to a degree that makes it worthwhile? Aside from like Kinect Sports Rivals? raditts posted:What was this from? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gup50W7r33c
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May 7, 2014 00:45
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closeted republican posted:I can't wait to see how many games will be gritty and have "realistic" violence. I really loved the latest E3s because of how many games like that were shown off, so I hope this E3 continues the trend! Well, there will never be a shortage of 12-year-olds that think that kind of thing is fresh and grown-up.
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May 7, 2014 00:45
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raditts posted:Well, there will never be a shortage of 12-year-olds that think that kind of thing is fresh and grown-up. same but 35
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May 7, 2014 00:47
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I'm not going to E3 this year, but I will be sure to stay at home and be drunk in honor of it.
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May 7, 2014 00:47
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What video games are the hottest topic to poo poo on? Beast Souls? gently caress Beast Souls, it will most likely be terrible like all Souls games.
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May 7, 2014 00:49
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For some reason as I was remembering the trainwrecks of the past few E3s, this song started to loop in my head. I can't wait for what surprises are in store for this year.
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May 7, 2014 00:50
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| # ? May 10, 2024 00:49 |
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Every game is bad just go outside and drink
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May 7, 2014 00:50
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