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B! C! V! BATTLE CONSTRUCTION VEHICLES! The hell is this? BCV: Battle Construction Vehicles - known as Kensetsu Juuki Kenka Batoru: Buchigire Kongou!! in Japan - is what can loosely be described as a fighting game, or a vehicular combat game, or something that isn't remotely as good as either, with a baffling Story mode thrown ontop of it. Wikipedia tells me it was one of the first videogames to be printed on DVD-ROM instead of CD-ROM which I suppose is the most impressive thing about this game. It probably would have been impressive when it came out in Japan on June 1st, 2000, only a few months after the console's launch. It was not, however, impressive in November 2003 when this game came to the west. Why should you be watching? A lot of you may remember this from SuperGraffiti and MoominBiscuit's Bargain Bin thread. Inexplicably, this happens to be on the European PSN store, so I now have this masterpiece sitting on my PS3 for all eternity. I've played and beaten the game, and I assure you - it needs to be shared in full. This game is hilarious, and most of it comes from the Story mode. There are so many irrelevant plot hooks, storylines that go nowhere, and backstories and twists that are absolutely astonishing, considering they're put in the context of a game where people fight using construction vehicles. Now imagine all of that, voice acted by British people. Really British people.  Introduction Video What is the story? Hayato Kongo is the only son of the Construction Tiger, Danjuro Kongo, who led Kongo Construction to new heights before his recent death. Now Shurabe Corporation has taken over the construction industry entirely, and it's down to our reluctant hero to retake the heavy machinery world by storm...by having anime fights in construction vehicles. Not sold? Maybe the first update will tickle your fancy, Young Master! CONTENTS Chapter 1 - Smash Through KONGO! A New Boss is Born! Chapter 2 - Grace Made Metal! The Machine Prince! Chapter 3 - Pheromones of Love!? Return of Beth! Chapter 4 - Strong Arm Tactics Shall Take the Job! Chapter 5 - Bold and Mysterious! Kyoko Appears! Chapter 6 - The Machine Duellist! Adachi's Challenge! Chapter 7 - The Professional! Jake, the Machine Wolf! CHARACTERS Kongo Crew  Hayato Kongo - Likes: Three meals a day, women. Dislikes: old men, raw sewage. Hayato is the reluctant new head of Kongo Construction, looking to take back the construction world with the help of the crew he's slowly assembling. Kazuchiyo Danoura - A mental old bastard who's a little too eager to force Hayato into a life of breaking all his father's equipment, so long as other people's equipment is broken more. Likely only wants Kongo Corp kept open because he won't get a job anywhere else. Tamanojo Matsumayama - The Machinery Prince, Matsubayama is a pretty boy crane driver who believes machinery should always be driven with poise and grace. He's also American, for some reason. Beth Gouda - A massive man with a soft heart who drives a bulldozer and is openly gay. Voiced by a caveman. Kyoko Tachibana - A forklift driver with a penchant for subterfuge, blackmail and getting very angry. She's being very mysterious about why she chooses to work for the Kongo Crew. Raita Adachi - The Machine Duellist, Adachi used to challenge construction companies to construction vehicle battles to win parts. Now that he's lost and joined the Kongo Crew, he doesn't do that anymore, and in fact doesn't do anything anymore. Utterly useless character.Shurabe Corp Coming soon. Others  Man - Responsible for all bidding on construction jobs, gets a little too into battles. The game literally just calls him 'man'. Jake - The Machine Wolf, Jake is a mercenary who will do anything for money. Anything for money. He's also Beth's former/current lover.More to come... Volcano Style fucked around with this message at 19:39 on Jul 20, 2014 |
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Jun 5, 2014 00:02
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Chapter 1 - Smash Through Kongo! A New Boss is Born! Considering the introductory cutscene said that Kongo was born in a construction vehicle, I'm hoping this isn't a literal chapter title.  And that this running down a tunnel isn't metaphorical.  Meet Hayato Kongo our everymanime protagonist, currently on the run.  But what from, you might ask?  I mean, what could possibly be--  HOLY poo poo  A crane bursts through the building roof that can inexplicably hold its weight, and promptly destroys the wall just to the right of Kongo's head with startling precision. Kongo is nonplussed about this apparent attempted murder, and does the logical thing of climbing ontop of the crane.  - You're tough, Gramps! - Listen to me! You must succeed your father, I beg you young master!Meet Kazuchiyo Danoura, who can begrudgingly be called the game's 'mentor figure' in the sense that he is absolutely against everything most wise old sages tend to do. Kongo wants to go out and live his old life, whereas Danoura insists that he live out the rest of his life as a shadow of his father and carry on his company - likely so he doesn't end up unemployed. - Shut it. GRAMPS!? I left because I didn't wanna do just that. So he's dead. HNUHGH. Still no reason to change my mind!I'm doing my best to approximate a transcript of this, I promise you.  Danoura turns up the murder gauge.  - Woah, watch it! Easy there gramps, okay? - Look, young master! Since the boss died, the Kongos have dispersed! All the factories around here have been taken by Shurabe. We have nothing left. - Is that so? It still has nothing to do with me. - You are wrong! Young master. You are the only son of the Construction Tiger, Danjuro Kongo! The skill to drive heavy vehicles sleeps within you. Will you just let it slumber your entire life, Master Hayato!? Click the above image to watch the cutscene! _____________  With this strapping mug of the Construction Tiger himself, we dive head on into the 'story' part of the game.  - Boss passed away, the work was all stolen by Shurabe Corp., and everyone left...leaving just poor old me... - Stop that whimpering! You still a man? Now listen up! Look into my eyes and listen up good! - Yes! - Live your life well, and good things will happen. Look after your health, live happily! - What do you...? - Take...care?! Young master! You are not going to continue the Kongo family line!? - Why!? I left here in the first place because I didn't want to! Pops was pops, and I'm me. I'll find my own job and my own life! Farewell! We won't meet again! - Young master! - What now!? - You still not giving up, Danoura!? You know, I would love to say that this image is the best summary of this game I could provide... - You're in a crane. Who is more likely to get killed here? ...If this one didn't exist. Kongo is an incredibly smug bastard. It's like the animators came from the past in a time machine solely to trace  years ahead of time. - I'll tell you two things. One - I like a quiet, loving, long haired, well proportioned woman more than three meals a day! Two - I hate a balding, bespectacled, dumb and rampaging pensioner more than a dip in raw sewage!It just...rolls off the tongue, doesn't it? But who cares? Both combatants are armed and ready! It's time...to B.C.V! _____________________________  Fight One - Bulldozer vs. Crane (Danoura) - Click to watch the fight. (don't do it) So, let's talk combat in BCV. It just sucks. It sucks so bad I'm probably not going to bother uploading every single fight. All the fights are the same, they're boring to watch, the sound effects are nothing but explosions and clanging, and the music is just an awful, droning, monotone guitar...wail. Just listen to it. If you ever watched MoominGraffiti's video, you'll have noticed they get through approximately a third of the game just by ramming into the enemy and smashing random buttons. I'd like to say this is an effective tactic considering there's no such thing as an 'effective' tactic in this game, but it's not the way the game is meant to be played. Assumedly I'm not playing it the way it's meant to be played either because not a single fight in this game is difficult so I've probably broken it by playing it with 'thought'. This isn't actually a very good fight to demonstrate the mechanics, because I'm using a Bulldozer against Danoura's Crane. Assumedly they gave us the Bulldozer for this introductory fight (there's no tutorial, it just assumes the game is easy and accessible enough that you'll just win this) because the Bulldozer is one of a few vehicles that can get away with just ramming people into submission. There are three attack buttons and one guard button, which brings a ton of girders up around you and renders you pretty much invulnerable. More on that in a moment. The attack buttons are assigned to Square, Triangle and Circle. Triangle makes your vehicle attack dead ahead, whereas Square and Circle are for attacks left and right respectively. These can be charged up, and when fully charged will deal anywhere from 10-15% damage to the enemy. This is all well and good, but considering there is zero cooldown on your girder-invulnerability and the windup and recovery on attacks is molasses slow. Also, the Bulldozer doesn't have a left or right attack, so it just sort of uselessly shimmies for a moment before just doing a forward attack anyway. If the AI wasn't impeccably stupid and just ate charge attacks all day, it'd be easy just to win by infinitely guarding. Whatever, none of you are watching for the combat anyway. That said, there is one interesting thing about combat.  Anime-as-hell special moves. The rope underneath your healthbar is essentially a comeback meter. Everytime you take damage, the rope will grow tauter until it eventually snaps and you get a chance to do a special move, which does a ton of damage, to an enemy that is close to you. This is why grinding against an enemy doesn't work; every single 'tick' of the grinding only does 1% damage, which makes the rope tauter, which means the enemy will get a special move and instantly reset the playing field. The special moves are hilarious and the voice acting is terrible. Even if I don't end up showing off every fight (which I probably won't, they're all boring) I will at least make a recording of everyone's special moves. Anyway, back to the rich narrative. ______________________________  - Your true calling! Heavy machinery is in your blood! - I can...I can really do this...?! - Then, young master! Let us restore the Kongo name! - Yeah! Gramps! I'm gonna...I'm gonna do it! - What good is fighting in heavy machinery to running a company!? ...Okay, I guess it will fit in somehow...Even the game can't be bothered to justify its own premise. gently caress it, that's the end of Chapter 1.  Next time: Worse accents than what you've already seen! Volcano Style fucked around with this message at 00:17 on Jun 5, 2014 |
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Jun 5, 2014 00:02
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"My days of violent construction had begun", oh boy. I still can't believe that isn't you doing the voices
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Jun 5, 2014 00:25
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I'd accuse you of making this up, but  .
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Jun 5, 2014 00:39
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I have no idea what just happened. Continue with this glorious "masterpiece". 
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Jun 5, 2014 00:48
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I think I just watched a video of an old man jousting with a construction crane. Please, continue.
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Jun 5, 2014 01:35
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This is going to be magnificent.
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Jun 5, 2014 02:00
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You know, I think they failed here because they went halfway. If they'd dialed up the combat's anime another 40 notches, I think it could've worked out, lovely voice acting or no.
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Jun 5, 2014 02:29
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So hey, attempting to record the Wii U through component cables was a bad idea and blew my capture card up. I was hoping to get an update up tonight, but might be a few days. Also for the record that first update took me more time to make than it took me to beat the game.
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Jun 5, 2014 22:28
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Volcano Style posted:So hey, attempting to record the Wii U through component cables was a bad idea and blew my capture card up. I was hoping to get an update up tonight, but might be a few days. Jeez, what deity of electronics did you piss off, VS?!
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Jun 5, 2014 22:56
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Since you keep talking about it, might as well actually link the MoominBiscuit / SuperGraffiti video. Spoilers, obviously so don't watch yet if you want to be surprised by the first few story updates.
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Jun 6, 2014 01:53
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Well, this is certainly completely anime. Of course violent vehicular combat wins you contracts. Why wouldn't it?
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Jun 6, 2014 03:36
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We're all much more excited for this than you are. This is a good state of affairs.
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Jun 6, 2014 03:54
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Alright, the problem is fixed, so expect another update any time between tomorrow and Monday. In the meantime, I'm going to apologise in the event that anyone actually cares about construction vehicles and I start calling things 'cranes' and other stuff that they might not actually be. Considering my dad's a construction manager, I should be more on the ball with this.
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Jun 14, 2014 00:28
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Back when he was five years old he used to idolize his dad. The Construction Tiger was the greatest man in the world when he'd come by take him from the school and let him ride home in one of his giant construction vehicles. But then he grew up, as children always do, and he no longer cared for the old man and his lumbering beasts that only held up traffic. All he cared about now was fast cars and pretty girls and finding a way to make his own life that included both. He wanted nothing to do with his father anymore. Now things will change again. Perhaps he's about to find out just how cool his dad really was. Perhaps he can get some of that magic back. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DQDnFTtr2UQ
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Jun 14, 2014 01:40
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On one hand, the premise of the game looks absolutely glorious. On the other, the combat looks like using those things for their intended purpose might be more entertaining. Ambivalence aplenty here.
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Jun 14, 2014 07:59
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This is magical. I wonder just how much more batshit things will get from here? Somehow the terrible voice acting enriches the experience.
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Jun 14, 2014 20:39
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To be perfectly honest I should have interpreted my last capture card breaking as a sign.  When we last left off, Donkey Kongo and Cranky Danoura had restarted up Kongo Construction and planned on breaking down girders to stop Mario getting his high school crush back.  - Yes! To start work again, we need a skilled crew. Also, Shurabe are unlikely to just overlook us getting restarted. They will try to stop us, so our new crew must be able to handle that. - I guess you have a point. Something between pops and their boss? - That can wait for another time.This is most certainly not a plot point in any way, shape or form. - First, I have located a man who may well join our crew. Tamanojo Matsubayama, the Machinery Prince! - Indeed! He is! Quite a fellow, I assure you! - Yeah, quite a guy...but don't you think we would be better looking for his father? I think this is another one of those character defining images. Where you can't tell if Danoura is just rolling his eyes or having a stroke. - Surely the king will be stronger than the prince, right? - Young master...he is not actually a prince...it's more like... I don't think I have ever seen that expression in anime. And by that, I mean Hayato's face, not...this thing.  - I despair. Anyway. He is said to make machinery floatl ike a butterfly, sting like a bee. Let us go and see this for ourselves!I'm pretty sure lightly drifting insects and creatures that die when their own arse breaks off from fighting aren't going to be the best fighters when it comes to heavy machinery, but gently caress it, we don't have a big enough cast yet. - Okay! Just you wait! We're going to go see the whole royal family!And with that, we're off to meet our first ensemble member...  meedley meedley meedley meedley meedley meeeeee  meedley meedley meedley meedley tumdly tum de toooo  Click the image to watch the cutscene! Meet Tamanojo Matsubayama the Machinery Prince, standard typical bishounen pretty boy who didn't have the time to grow his hair into anything other than a ponytailed mullet and cut his bangs too short, making him look about 40. Which, given he's a construction worker, he probably is.  - I'm as light as a feather today. Good work out.For whatever reason, Matsubayama's accent is American. And it's loving atrocious. Not that this is anything new considering the game but I figured I'd let you know all the same.  - Young master...we are not looking for a fight, you understand? - Leave it to me, I'm the master of negotiations. Oi! You're Matsubayama, right!? - ...Who are you? - Just give me your birthday, address and work permit number! - ... - You're the first member of the new Kongo Construction Crew! You now owe total obedience to me, Hayato Kongo! Now get in your machine and prepare for your initiation! If I thrash you too badly, you can start as our new copy boy! - ... - Looks like you lack the confidence to face me! Hey, Danoura! This guy can't help us out, and you suggested him! Pointing out typos feels like such a low blow at this point but I could believe that Danoura's sack suffers from a rest ructure. - Young master! - Matsubayama, please! Fight him! Otherwise, I'm...My theory of Danoura just looking for an excuse to keep his job is looking more and more credible. - Looks like you needa lesson in life, whelp! I'll let you call the ambulance in advance. - You have your own royal ambulance, do you?_________________________  Click the image to watch the fight! Hayato (Crane) vs. Matsubayama (Digger) Okay, so, you know how in the last update I told you not to bother watching any of the fights? I lied. I'm going to recommend watching this one to truly grasp how loving bad this game plays. Now, to give it some points back, I am playing off a PS3, which means I'm having to deal with HDCP and I'm playing on about a half-second input delay. The problem being the game has about a second of input delay makes me feel like I'm watching an interactive movie that I'm vaguely offering suggestions to someone else directing rather than playing the game. As previously mentioned, the BCVs (I'm going to use this as a title like Armored Cores just to make this seem more interesting) can attack to the sides and forward. When we get the crane, this is our first chance to really experiment with this, and also our first chance to understand how poorly it's been implemented. Especially because this stage, with all its completely random obstacles in a level where the vehicles themselves take up about half the stage, interrupt both movement and the attacks. In fact, hitting pretty much anything interrupts your attack. A wall, an obstacle, your opponent... Yes, you read that last part correctly. If you hit your opponent, your attack is interrupted and will not work. If you hit your opponent, you will not hit your opponent. You can see this multiple times in the video. I bring the crane up to charge, but until it does that dumb sweeping thing in front of it, regardless of how much momentum it appears to have or how cleanly it strikes, it will do no or very little damage to the opponent and make the rope tauter. The only thing I can possibly liken it to is if there was a fighting game where you swung for a punch and caught the opponent square in the jaw, but the game didn't read it as a blow because your character's arm wasn't fully extended. And then when his was done his arms would just abruptly reset back to his sides when it took four seconds to raise them. Whatever. I get a good lead and then ram Matsubayama enough to show off his lovely special attack. Which is pretty much how I'll be playing the rest of the game, too. _________________________  - Well then! As promised, you now work for me! Yeah, anime style contract negotiations! One Outs has nothing on this. - Hold on, I never promised anything! - Yes you did! You remember, right gramps? - Uh...yes, I do recall something like that...But you know, as an apology for taking so long to post an update, let's hop straight into Chapter 3 as well. ________________________  Oh bugger me.  - Just, you know, out...to meet someone... - Who!? What's that you're clinging to? Let me see that! - ...So who is it from...'Uncy Danoura, I quit my unbearable job yesterday, after reading your letter about the revival of the Kongo Crew.  It's an anime. Clearly you know where this is going. My heart belongs with the Kongo. What is the new Boss like, I wonder? I will be there on the 10th. So looking forward to it. My love, Beth.'  With an implosion of his head and an explosion in his pants, Kongo has ticked off one of his main loves in life. Karma suggests raw sewage and more Danoura to follow. - Beth worked here back when Boss was still alive. And worked really hard, I might add. - Yeah, I bet pops worked her pretty hard.When I fantasize about women, I like to think about my dead dad giving her one in the back of a dump truck too. Or maybe he put it in the back of her dump truck. Ugh. I'll stop. - Young master! He was kind enough to give Beth a job, and though young, Beth learnt to drive a bulldozer like no other. - Cute little Beth and her big old dozer, huh. OK! Then it's my job as the new boss to go pick her up! Danoura, just take it easy. Leave this to me!The whole office begins to shake. - What...what's going on?!   - Well then. In order to meet with the lovely Beth, I first have to deal with this freak and his bulldozer, huh. A meeting with beauty, lying just beyond my reach! ...Alright!A song starts playing here which I can only assume is the 'poo poo just got real' song, but it's...probably the closest thing to music we've got so far. I'll probably make a bonus post towards the end of all the glorious...sounds this game makes.  - No. You help him. It's your problem. - I didn't say anything yet! OK!? I don't want to! - Nor do I. - Anyone at all!? - Our slogan! No matter the order, carry it out with a smile! - What!? Why you...Okay, so, battle time, so we can unlock Gouda. This time, instead of Kongo, we'll be playing as Joey Jojo Smashbanana. To play as Matsubayama, first you wait for the cutscene to continue. Then you watch as a fight doesn't actually happen and the game shows a winch over Matsubayama's digger slowly causing the previous image of Gouda in the mud pit to slowly pan to the top of the screen.  To be honest, it's about as interactive as the rest of the bloody game.  Surprise! Beth is a dude! A massive dude! - Indeed you have, Beth! - Is my hearing going...or did you just say...? - He is Beth! Beth Gouda! Surprise! Beth is a gay dude! A massive gay dude!  - So..who's voice was it in my head when I read the post card? - Nothing but your own wishful thinking.This actually unlocks Beth in the multiplayer. There are entire chapters in this game with absolutely nothing in them but cutscenes and they still give you characters that you don't even use in this half of the game. I'm pretty sure there are some characters in Kongo's crew who you outright never use in the game itself, so they might as well just be enemies. But more on that later. Also, I cannot wait to show you how gay Beth gets. Also, I cannot wait for you to hear Beth's voice. Holy poo poo it's the best one in the game. ...
Volcano Style fucked around with this message at 21:11 on Jun 14, 2014 |
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Jun 14, 2014 21:07
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Showbanana's special move sure is something. Float like a butterfly, sting like a... digger? We need more graceful construction machinery-fu.
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Jun 14, 2014 21:28
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Volcano Style posted:Also, I cannot wait to show you how gay Beth gets. My body is From the tidbit you hear in the intro, I can tell this is gonna get more magical.
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Jun 14, 2014 22:00
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im as light as a feather today. good workout I read somewhere that these things' gimmick is they're sold with the eyes left blank for the buyer to paint in on their own. I'm not sure how qualified the Kongos are to operate heavy machinery when they can't even get the eyes on a mr potato head right
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Jun 15, 2014 16:36
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Thank you for playing this game so we don't have to. These "battle" videos are kind of painful to watch.
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Jun 18, 2014 02:23
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 Our story about the construction business continues, with some actual business to do with construction. How novel.  - ...Shurabe Construction have got the job. Now, the details of the job... - Don't hand over that job yet! I suppose it wouldn't be a very good LP without the conflict.  - A fair bidding process? Don't make me laugh! What Hayato is pictured doing is reaching into his robe and throwing a number of photos at the assembled group. With my impeccable screen capping skills, I manage to catch the one frame where it looks like a gust of wind has caught him and covered Hayato in toilet paper. - You there! Is that what you call fair? Huh? Huh? - ...Ah.  Don't be fooled by the picture. The sound this guy makes is the most pathetic, effortless attempt of a cry out I have ever heard. You would have gotten more of a reaction if he'd stubbed his toe on the way into the recording booth. It sounds like he's just filled in one of the boxes of a relatively irritating sudoku puzzle on the bus.  Click the image to view the cutscene! Shock and horror! Shurabe had dirt on this guy!  - Maybe they planned to blackmail you as well! Eh, Mr.Narita!? It's Narita! This skeezy little bucktooth is one of Shurabe Corps pawns with a voice like...well, look at him. I'm sure you can imagine. Then again, given this game, maybe not. Regardless, you won't hear it for a while. So to be especially petty, he doesn't get a head icon for this update. Dick. - What do you want...money? - Who do you think I am? Even if I wanted to use this pic to threaten you, I wouldn't bring it in here with me! ...I want a Construction Vehicle Battle! If I win, Kongo Crew gets this job! OK!? - A battle...to decide something like this? Ignoring all the legal ramifications everyone is ignoring, Shurabe are surprisingly accepting of something that is going to cost thousands of dollars in damages to both sides. - Aha! You're the Shurabe Construction Force Captain, Aya Jumonji! You're not really my type, but if you really want to get your hand on my body so badly, I guess I'll have to fight you!Narita - Keep this up, and we might actually get angry. Then you will realise what it means to oppose Shurabe! _____________________________  Digger vs. Aya (Bulldozer) There's no video this time because the fight is insultingly easy. The digger has a very good overhead smash attack that reduces something sluggish like the bulldozer to nothing in an instant, because all of the dozer's attacks are to do with charging rather than extending something out to actually block the blow. But still, look at the timer. And considering it's about three seconds per tick, even the easy fights take a bloody eon.  Regardless, Kongo Corp is back in the game! ____________________________  The Squall Leonhart school of conversation.   I love this screen too much. Nothing dramatic like 'Your company has grown!' or 'Kongo Victory!' Just 'You got some work!' with all the gravitas of 'Your leg itches!' - You always did like to stir up a mess, Young Master! - Construction Vehicle Battle...just watching it...yes! Yes!! Ahahahahaha!! - Is this guy okay?Well, that was another short chapter, and we've met the first duo of the villainous Shurabe Corporation. So let's move on to the next. ___________________________  - Master, your awesome fighting skills got us this job! - Indeed they did! I'm a natural! ...though it was more thanks to that photo you provided. You did well digging that little number up. - Actually, it was posted to us in an unmarked envelope. - I wonder who by...?All of a sudden, there's another loud rumbling, leading to this incredible exchange.  meedley meedley meedley meedley muuurgghhh - No bees or butterflies today? Something up with Matsubayama? - Now that you mention it, he did actually say something about feeling ill this morning. - Hah, that's because we don't pay him well enough. I reckon he must have been forced to eat spoiled food.When you are openly joking to two thirds of your present workforce about your lovely pay forcing your employees into poverty, you might want to look into worker morale. ...Suddenly!  - You know what your problem is? It's an overactive imagination. - Yeah, sorry about that....The penny takes a moment to drop. And suddenly... - Hey then, - --who's driving-- - Who's driving that? - --THE TRUCK THEEEEEN?!If you watch any video in this entire let's play, this is one of maybe four you absolutely must. It's incredible. Beth's loving dreadful voice, the absence of even an attempt at syncing the voice actors...they don't even say the same line, let alone get in time with each other. And the cutscene isn't even finished!  - Who are you!? Get out of my machine! - What a heap of junk! The controls on this thing suck! Click here to watch the cutscene! Meet Kyoko Tachibana, token girl of the group despite a noble effort by Beth to fill that role himself. Believe it or not, but this game actually has some mysteries which sadly prevent me from telling you Kyoko's wonderful plot and saving you an LP to read. - Hey! Tell us who you are! - Kyoko Tachibana! And you owe me a favour! - A favour? - That's right! Thanks to the picture I provided, you were able to get that job from Shurabe, right? - You posted us that photo? - Yup! So starting today, I'm gonna work here! ...That digger needs some work doing, right?  - I'm gonna tell you two things. One - noisy, loud mouthed, bad mannered, plain looking girls make me want to spew! And two - photos like that one you sent do nothing for me!I don't know if you've noticed yet, but Hayato isn't a particularly charming man. ____________________________  Bulldozer vs. Kyoko (Forklift) Despite Kyoko wanting to join us of her own free will, we still need to recruit her and break all our own equipment in a vehicle battle first. This fight is more of a challenge, and I assure you there are so many quotation marks around the word challenge that they have erased themselves from the forum code and become invisible. The forklift and the bulldozer are both forward-striking vehicles, meaning they are more than likely going to trade damage on charges, but they've also been added to this stage for a particular reason. This is where the game introduces stage hazards. That indecipherable block of brown is a pit, that is a right bastard to get out of if you're unfortunate enough to drive into it, and you pretty much have to waste a charge attack just to get out of it. Against a digger, you're pretty screwed if you fall in.  Luckily, the AI is just as stupid.  I recruit Kyoko by wrecking my own bulldozer and crushing her corpse to a bloody pulp at the core of an air-tight cube of crushed iron. Wait, no, that's not canon. ________________________________  - You want to live with me that badly, do you? - When did I ever say that!? You are, like, seriously misunderstanding me here. ...OK? I want to help rebuild the Kongo Crew! - Why? - That doesn't matter!Ooo, mysteries! I love them!  - You sure you can trust her, Hayato? - That stuff about wanting to help the Kongo Crew is just a bunch of rubbish. But I can tell, deep down, she just wants to be close to me. - You certainly are deluded, young master.Next time on BCV: We get further than SuperGraffiti and MoominBiscuit did. It's all new content from here! Volcano Style fucked around with this message at 01:42 on Jun 19, 2014 |
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Jun 19, 2014 01:37
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This game.
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Jun 19, 2014 02:08
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Beth's voice. WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU VOICE THE GIRLY GUY BY A CAVEMAN
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Jun 19, 2014 11:46
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This game makes absolutely no sense and I love it.
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Jun 19, 2014 19:49
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Somehow this game just continues to deliver. The voice-acting, the nonsense plot, the garbage game mechanics... This right here is a piece of art. Thank you for sharing this with us so that we can all enjoy the batshit crazy story without having to deal with actually trying to fight in construction vehicles.
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Jun 19, 2014 19:59
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anilEhilated posted:Beth's voice. This is the logic, correct me if I'm wrong: if you were attracted to thin bodies and high voices you'd just date a woman. If you're attracted to men you're attracted to MAN THINGS. Like muscles. And protein. Also does this story campaign let you pick vehicles, or is it one fixed fight after another?
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Jun 19, 2014 20:35
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I just want to make sure...Kyoko and Aya are girls, right? And not crossdressers? Because the designs of those two look particularly masculine from where I'm standing.
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Jun 19, 2014 20:38
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I want this game at Evo.
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Jun 19, 2014 22:14
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Glazius posted:This is the logic, correct me if I'm wrong: if you were attracted to thin bodies and high voices you'd just date a woman. If you're attracted to men you're attracted to MAN THINGS. Like muscles. And protein. Speaking of special moves, how do you guys want me to show them? Would you rather I included a screenshot of them with each fight, a short video in place of a fight, or just make one long compilation at the end of the LP?
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Jun 19, 2014 22:17
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I vote compilation at the end.
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Jun 19, 2014 22:55
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Sorry for the slow patch, guys. Between going home to see family for my birthday ( ) I'm suddenly really in demand for theatre stuff all week, so what free time I have has evaporated. I'll get you your fill of heavy machinery on Friday.
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Jul 2, 2014 01:15
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TaurusTorus posted:I want this game at Evo. Not gonna lie, when I saw this thread, the first thing I did was look up a tier list. Sadly, there was nothing to be found. 
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Jul 2, 2014 01:18
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Oh no this game! I thought I burned every copy of this game so that nobody else would have to suffer. What have you done? Sorry I didn't see this thread earlier
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Jul 3, 2014 22:05
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It sure is Friday. Admittedly, I've been putting this update off, because this first half is a lovely chapter with the worst member of the Kongo crew. So poo poo, I actually had to force myself to make a head image for him.  Woosh! Action, as a Shurabe machine charges into battle, against...  - URYAAAAAAA!!Raita Adachi, a machinery thief who makes his day by day living in construction vehicle battles. A respectable profession, I'm sure you'll agree.  The Shurabe machine is destroyed in one solid charge! This isn't a video I screenshotted mid-frame, the image they show really is this blurry.  Aya - What now? We got carried away and lost vital equipment! Narita - Please, Aya! Don't tell the President about this! I'm still not giving this dickbag a headshot. Meanwhile, word spreads to Kongo Headquarters...  - If he beats a company in a battle between vehicles, he takes machine parts from them. - He's been doing the rounds, as well. - He even took a chunk of Shurabe! - What's his name, this guy? - Adachi. Raita Adachi. - Raita...Adachi... - Well? We could be next. Can you beat him? - I'm not going to fall for this trick! We have work to do! There's no time to be fooling about with him!Predictably, there's a rumbling from outside the building. - What...what's that noise? - Must be him. The infamous duelling robber! By sheer coincidence, it's the person everyone was talking about. This absolutely will not be a recurring theme. - So you're Adachi! I hear you have a thing for robbing people! - Well, it makes this easier if you know of my work. - Man, he's even proud of it! I don't do battle without a good reason! At the moment, getting a new crew is more important! And anyway, I would win! Go on! Get lost!This LP is seriously going to wear out my 1 key from all the exclamation points. Seriously, count all of them in this update alone, let alone the LP. All - Wow!  All - Huh?! - Yours is the 20th company I've visited. Not surprising that at least one would back out around now. Sorry for rattling your cage, boy! - Hang on! I'm not backing out! There's just no point! OK then, if I win, you have to join the Kongo Crew. How's that? - This is probably what snagged Shurabe. - Not much of an incentive for me. - Really? Then how about this! If you win, you can have all my machines, along with their operators!All - WHAT!? - Hey! Who just said how important a new crew is!? - Okay! I'm in for that!Unfortunately there is actually a 'game' attached to this LP, which means I have to play this monstrosity for another two or so minutes. _____________________________________  Hayato [Bulldozer] vs. Adachi [Steamroller] The thing to note about the battle against Adachi is that it's the point where the game tells you that it knows that you've probably gotten this far just by mindlessly ramming people and smashing buttons, and that you should probably make an attempt to actually learn the game mechanics. Therefore, it deliberately gives you a ramming vehicle that can only attack from the front against the Steamroller - a vehicle where, if it's grinding against you for a certain amount of time, will automatically deal 12% damage as if it had hit you with a full charge. This is the reason why MoominGraffiti never made it past this level - it would have forced them to process how loving bad this game is and dedicated actual space of their brain to learning how to play it. I don't want to think of how many childhood memories I've had replaced by CRANE SWORD BLADE. Anyway, no videos this update, so straight back to the thread. ________________________________________  It must be customary to BCV battles to turn 270 degrees from your opponent and scowl at the floor.  Yeah! We got Adachi - a character who, despite two complete playthroughs, I cannot remember anything he says or does throughout the rest of the game. Sorry for anyone who thought they had a favourite character. - I knew I'd win, but I didn't think I've have so much trouble making him buy it! - You're the one who's buying it! How much do you care about this whole crew thing, anyway? - Personally, I think he's just having fun.Also, this probably isn't transcribed properly but these post victory dialogues go like lightspeed. I'm sure I mistyped something drastically plot-altering. __________________________________________  oh my god this is the best part of the game  I think the reason Kongo Crew lost so much money is that no one told them that you're not supposed to bring all your machinery and supplies to start work on a job you haven't actually gotten the contract for yet.  - Just so you know, a battle is out! I can't afford to damage my machines pointlessly anymore! - Unacceptable! it's a battle or nothing! Fight! Fight I say! Narita - The Machine Wolf, Jake Hongo! A name known by all who build! - Not by me. Who's he then? - Wha...what's that!? - Young master!    I'm pleased to say that Jake Hongo is going to be a recurring character. This shameless mercenary may legitimately be the best character in the game for reasons I can't spoil other than to say 'You will be sad you left off at the steamroller, Mooms.' Narita - The Machine Wolf, Jake Hongo! He'll do anything for money!  Narita - Let's look through his album of past exploits! - He really will do anything for money! Look at that! - I can't stand those with no self pride. - Hey, let me see! I'm enjoying how trite Danoura seems to find this album of male prostitution.  - Leave this to me. I can't stand this man already. - Oh Jake, won't you look my way? ...This is foreshadowing. I am not making a joke. This is literally foreshadowing. Holy poo poo you're not ready. _____________________________  Matsubayama [Digger] vs. Jake [Bulldozer] In a sleek black bulldozer, Jake is our first non-Shurabe/Kongo opponent, which means...absolutely nothing. As far as I can tell, the game is introducing us to the idea that different characters in different vehicles are actually different, since Matsubayama has a slightly different swing arc to his digger attack, and Jake's bulldozer gets up on its hind wheels before it charges. Note that these are all superficial changes - the timing of the attacks is still glacial and the damage is, like all vehicles in the loving game, identical. So, really, what the devs seem to be trying to show is that they worked on something.  Also, I discovered this by sheer accident. Apparently, some stages have damaging hazards attached. These workmen, pissed off that I destroyed their little cabin, immediately set to work and destroyed Jake's dozer for me. _______________________________   We got another big job! - I don't like this. Our bids were exactly the same? So it comes to CVB, and then this Jake guy appears.Don't start using acronyms for this, Matsubayama. They're not that common an occurrence, even in this game. Don't be that guy. - You think info on Kongo is leaking to Shurabe? - It seems likely. - Don't look so glum! Come and have a look at this! - What now? - Jake's album. The Shurabe guys left it behind! - Wow, look at this one! What a get up! - What are you looking at? - I think it's best you don't see this one.The plot seems to be taking a sinister twist. Could someone be leaking information to Shurabe? Have we seen the last of The Machine Wolf? Is Beth going to get his rocks off? Find out next time in The Cooking of Love! Volcano Style fucked around with this message at 03:55 on Jul 7, 2014 |
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Jul 7, 2014 03:52
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Volcano Style posted:
I like how he's just now realizing what a bad idea these fights are. Looking forward to seeing just how ridiculous this story will get.
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Jul 7, 2014 07:03
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I never thought I'd meet a man who's more manipulable than first-movie Marty McFly, but here our protagonist is.
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Jul 7, 2014 21:46
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Ohhh my fuccking god, I can't believe how loving funny this awful game is. It just somehow exactly hits my funny bone, like some kind of bespoke Japanese humour stick, only with terrible gameplay attached. that loving album
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Jul 8, 2014 19:33
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Sorry for two things; first off, sorry for how long it took to post this update, and secondly, sorry for how short this update is. It's only the one chapter this time. But if it isn't the chapter that makes you recommend this LP to everyone you know I don't know what will. In fact, if you're reading this right now, open up Audacity and start recording before you even start scrolling. Before you see a single image, let alone the cutscene video, I need to hear your reaction to this in real time. Go on. I'll wait. Okay go.  Oh yes.  The chapter starts with everyone taking a lunch break, which I assume is our narrative cue that construction work does actually take place when we don't see it.  - Look over there.  I'm not sure people already living the life of luxury tend to gravitate towards mercenary work and/or prostitution, but then, I'm not an anime.  With no introduction, the man himself arrives on the scene.  - Give me my album back. - Jake! Please, stop helping Shurabe just to get at me! - Lies! You've never forgiven me for leaving you! - This looks like it is about to get messy... - Hey, stop staring! Have you no sensitivity?!At this point, a bizarrely romantic spanish guitar ballad kicks in and might be the closest thing this game has to real music, which makes it all the more creepy. - Did you even realise?! That, when I left, I was carrying your... - Don't say it! Of course I knew! - Hey! Adachi!? Is that even...possible?! Photo evidence that Adachi is an entity.  jesus christ that face  Beth (Bulldozer) vs. Jake (Bulldozer) So, unsurprisingly, we have to fight Jake as Beth. The two drive the same vehicle, which brings the number of people in game who drive a bulldozer up to three. It also means that the game devs, unintentionally or otherwise, gave the two gay men in the cast the vehicles ideal for giving each other a good ramming.  There's dynamite to be shoved into enemies in this level, but given that the controls are a bag of shite and the explosion from the dynamite hits both parties if it goes off for not much more damage than a standard attack, you'll be unsurprised to hear I don't bother.  Jake gets smashed so hard that I take 1% from my own chip damage and neither of us even get to use a special move. Hooray! The most interesting fight so far. What follows might be the scene that made me determined to do an LP of this. Also, I don't know why but the audio goes really quiet in this cutscene for some reason. I've tried to fix it in post, so sorry if it sounds bassy as gently caress. vvv CLICK THIS IMAGE vvv  <<< CLICK IT^^^ CLICK THIS IMAGE ^^^ - Jake, forgive me...for being weak...and leaving you... - Here it is. When I left, I was carrying your photo. This photo. - I know that, Beth. - But my feelings haven't changed, Jake. I still care for you! - I know you do, Beth. - Jake!    - You're wonderful... - You dolt.    Click the image above for proof I am absolutely not making this poo poo up. Yes, I am linking the video twice to ensure no one skips this. - HEY YOU'LL BE WORKING HUNGRY IF YOU DON'T START EATING... what the gently caress That is where the chapter ends. We didn't get any work. We didn't gain any recruits. We just had lunch. Also, I just realised Adachi isn't even in the lunch cutscene. Holy poo poo, what a pointless character. Next time - Is Kyoko working for Shurabe? Find out! Volcano Style fucked around with this message at 19:30 on Jul 20, 2014 |
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Jul 20, 2014 19:25
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