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				OWNS OF THE NORTH STAR

SCENE: Ruins of a city devastated by nuclear war. Standing amid the rubble are WEBDO, ANDERS, 
and TANKBOYKEN, generic biker-punk henchmen from season 1 of the show, lol. They are terrorizing 
the locals, and take perverse pleasure in their heinous conduct.

					WEBDO:
			I know how to own! I know how to own!

ANDERS picks VEEDUBFREAK out of a crowd of and throws him to the ground.

					ANDERS:
			Own him for me.

					WEBDO:
			Your computer sucks! It's very bad and expensive! 

					VEEDUBFREAK:
			No! P-p-p-lease! My computer is actually nice and 
			I'm just excited about buying new parts for it so that 
			I can play some of my favorite games on the highest 
			graphics settings!

					TANKBOYKEN:
			Huhuhuhu

The villagers stand aghast at WEBDO's brutality. No man deserves such fate. Suddenly, a tall 
handsome stranger appears in their midst. With his back turned towards the villains, he helps 
VEEDUBFREAK to his feet and offers him some water to cool off that sick watercooled computer 
system. VEEDUBFREAK smiles gratefully, before passing out.

					ANDERS:
			This one is not afraid of us. We need to teach 
			him a lesson.

ANDERS disables text to speech on his mumble server. Without turning his back:

					KENPYCCKUU:
			Your owns are shameful and weak. You better run,
			while you're still in one piece.

					ANDERS:
			UAAAGH! 

ANDERS and TANKBOYKEN charge towards KENPYCCKUU but are suddenly repelled by a swift and powerful 
own - something about their unhealthy obsession with Star Citizen. The own stops the villains 
dead in their tracks, causing them to recoil. Attempting to look brave:

					THE TWO VILLAINS:
			You call this owns? Hahaha, I don't feel anything!
					
					KENPYCCKUU
			You are already owned.

Suddenly, the villains heads and limbs begin to inflate to grotesque proportions, bursting in a 
fountain of blood that probably has too much sugar in it.

					WEBDO:
			*shocked anime gasps*

KENPYCCKUU turns towards WEBDO, and begins to approach him at a steady pace. From his upright 
posture and very large muscles, it is clear that KENPYCCKUU has had sex very many times, with 
some of the hottest babes around. WEBDO attempts to regain composure:

					WEBDO
			That may have worked on them, but it will never work on me!
			I know how to do owns!

KENPYCCKUU now stands mere inches away from WEBDO. He begins to deliver one of the most 
powerful owns yet.
					
					KENPYCCKUU
			YATATATATATATATATATATA-

The own is the biggest the world has ever seen. It addresses WEBDO's difficulty communicating 
with others and his wont to take any criticism or suggestion as a great personal insult. The 
crippling anxiety he probably has in real life has led WEBDO to attempt to live out his power 
fantasies through the internet, but even here he is failing. WEBDO's inability to articulate 
his thoughts has limited him to taking cheapshots from the peanut gallery, making his online 
existence just as forgettable as his actual real world life.

					KENPYCCKUU (cont'd)
			YATATATATATATATATATATA - ATA!

These issues probably have a lot to do with WEBDO's childhood, when he elected to play video 
games and board games rather than doing sports and making real life friends with the boys at 
school. Instead of developing confidence and ability to speak like an adult, he developed a 
large midsection and phimosis. Maybe things would turn out differently if only he had the courage 
to ask Charlotte to the school dance in 7th grade, instead of learning Battletech lore! 
Perhaps that would make him popular at school and, heck, they might even make him captain 
of the football team rather than give him atomic wedgies at recess and pee all over his stuff 
in his locker during PE class. If only he could go back in time to that one moment, and do 
things differently! Perhaps he would even have the dream job he always wanted: a doctor, 
a war hero, a movie star. Even his father would be proud of him and pat him on the back 
saying "Atta boy WEBDO, I'm proud to call you my son!" instead of giving up on him many years ago 
for being a sad sack of poo poo.

					WEBDO (shouting:)
			MOST OF THESE AREN'T EVEN TRUE!!!

As blood begins to rush towards WEBDO's outer extremities inflating them to grotesque proportions,
he begins to realize that no amount of time travel would fix his lispy high pitched voice, his poo poo 
personality, or his unfortunate face. In the last seconds of his life, he understands that even if
he were to survive, he would forever rue the day when he attempted to own KENPYCCKUU. WEBDO's 
corpulent mass explodes in a red mist. KENPYCCKUU stands over the villains' remains, which look 
strangely similar to a very large puddle of Bertolli Marinara sauce.		
							
					KENPYCCKUU:
			The art of owns is a 2000 year old technique, 
			and cannot be mastered by scum like you.

KENPYCCKUU walks towards the sunset as the villagers cheer. VEEDUBFREAK watches him with a tear in his eye.