Welcome, to the BYOB Slaughterhouse

The Something Awful Forums > Archives > Comedy Goldmine > BYOB Goldmine: Gold Mango > Welcome, to the BYOB Slaughterhouse

i am he

As most people know, there are no sacred cows in BYOB. Even the most, traditionally, off limits subjects are fair game in the no holds barred atmosphere that BYOB 8.2 has managed to cultivate since its inception.

This week, your favorite BYOB posters ruthlessly tear apart your favorite children's television shows. No series, aimed at kids aged 5-11, is safe from the bloodthirsty hounds of everyone's favorite blue forum, once they enter....the BYOB Slaughterhouse.

Let's begin with a series I'm sure is near and dear to the hearts of many BYOB posters, Nickelodeon's Rocket Power.

First off, obviously, the title. It's poo poo. It's a garbage title. Titles are supposed to tell you something. "Rocket Power" makes me think of adults skateboarding, hanging out by the boardwalk, spaceships, the v-2, and WWII in general, not of a show most likely rated Y-7 starring bland incarnate and his idiot friends (more on that later).

Second, running time: 28.4 hours. It's long. Honestly, it's too long. By the end you're wondering, will it ever end? Well it does end, eventually, after what feels like an eternity. If you think movies are long now, just wait until you're 50 episodes into this.

Third, character development. Otto is crap. He sucks. His character never really gets fleshed out, despite the painfully long running time (see above). He'll probably be ugly when he enters adulthood, and need glasses too. Squid is remarkably one dimensional, and probably can't do a kickflip to save his life. I can't even remember the others names, thats how bad at their respective extreme sports they are.

Lastly, the show is just plain bad, terrible even. Its the mud under my feet, oozing between my toes. Their gear is trash. Their decks are all wrong, the bearings on the skateboard? They're the bad kind, the ones that make the wheels worse for doing tricks. And the trucks? :psyduck:

What didn't they gently caress up.

Rating:

/10 (2, bad)

Other unsuspecting children's shows ripe for being taken down a notch:
Caillou (cancer lol)
Sesame Street (this one's jsut good, attempt if you daaarrreee)
Dexter's Laboratory (dexter is short, a lot of easy height based ownage potential)
Rugrats (easy pickings)
Hey Arnold (half of it is done for you, in the show)
Magic Schoolbus (???)
Arthur (animals are easier to own, in general)

Whether it be witty one liners, or impressive photoshops that just make us go: wow, that show sucked poo poo! Post away, and lets take these suckers down.

# ¿ Sep 1, 2014 06:13

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# ¿ May 17, 2024 01:00

i am he

Dexters Secret posted:

ill fuckin cut you if you diss dex lab

it's poo poo. [higher pitch]poo poo poo poo[higher, shriller] SSHIT poo poo poo poo it's poo poo!!! dexters a virgin

# ¿ Sep 1, 2014 06:24

i am he

Classicist posted:

the year is 1996 Rage Against the Machine just released their sophomore album, Evil Empire

rebellion buzzed through the airwaves of america

Terror, the product ya push
Well I'm a truth addict, aww poo poo I gotta head rush

but if you were a young child, you weren't likely to know it. it's altogether more likely that you were being fed a conveniently whitewashed worldview. one full of happy endings and empty of conflicts except for those that could be wrapped up in time for your bedtime at 8:30 pm.

Lying always, sucking on a bottle of
That sweet indulgent fluid

and one figure was at the front of this campaign of complacency

meet doug funny, your sheeple in chief. after a two year hiatus, disney had just renewed the series for a new run. what's the matter, walt? were people starting to wake up? this new run didn't even feature the original voice of doug, billy west, an actually good voice actor (futurama), and one who apparently wasn't willing to play ball with the new regime. his brave act of defiance sadly wasn't enough, as disney stupidly got some idiot to replace him, and he couldn't even do the voice right.

Father's expectations
Soul soaked in spit and urine

the world of doug was a like a terrifying quaalude fueled haze. was there a topical issue that RATM took a powerful and poetic stand against? well doug was there to wash it over. go back to sleep, children, it was only your imagination. racism?

this is skeeter. a joke. a parody of a proud person of color. he can barely speak, and does so mostly in animal-like honks.

So now I'm rollin' down Rodeo with a shotgun
These people ain't seen a brown skin man
Since their grandparents bought one

the mental reprogramming has begun. but what about female representation? hosed again. here she is, children, the object of your desire, the apple of your eye. or should i say the candied apple?

patty mayonnaise. mmmm, feel like burgers, kids? i wonder why...

And while the gut eaters strain to pull the mud from their mouths
They force our ears to go deaf to the screams in the south

what doug did for the state of children's programming in america is akin to what bush did for public safety in iraq

it's a sickening piece of fascist propaganda and the writing is really hit or miss.

/ 5

And Disney bought the fantasies and piles of eyes
And ABC's new thrill ride of trials and lies

awesome

# ¿ Sep 1, 2014 21:50

i am he

10 Things That Prove the Popular Children's Show Arthur was Really Really Bad and Also Describe My Feelings Towards It

1.

Child abuse is really good!!! Oh wait, its the year of our loving Lord 2014 and no it isn't!!!

2.

A sad attempt at an homage to the classic novella, The Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, the song "Jekyll and Hyde" ended up merely insulting the haunting dichotomy presented to us by Robert Louis Stevenson. Childhood Enjoyment of Significant Achievement in Literature Status: Ruined because of this episode.

3.

When somebody tells me that Arthur taught a lot of good lessons to young children and the characters were diverse enough to keep each episode interesting.

4. Arthur is good!!

When I had to wait for Arthur to be over before I could watch Antiques Roadshow. Even as a kid I enjoyed Antiques Roadshow, I guess I was mature for my age but by this point everybody should realize gaining an appreciation for material history is more important than an anthropomorphic aardvark's daily life.

6.

Haha ok, thats good actually.

7.

Finding out Ziggy Marley (not as good as Bob Marley who wrote some of the most beautiful songs I've ever heard) performed the theme song.

8.

This is how I feel when people tell me some of the humor was actually fairly adult oriented so parents could watch it with their kids and derive some enjoyment from it.

9.

Now that I'm an adult this gif shows how I react to people who liked Muffy the best out of all the humanoid animals. If I had to pick it would obviously be Francine because she actually showed a lot of varied emotion and was allowed to develop as a character.

10.

Other people's reactions when I sit them down and show them shows like Game of Thrones, Breaking Bad, and The Wire that are way better than Arthur and deal with mature ideas in an eloquent way, unlike Arthur.

# ¿ Sep 2, 2014 02:26

i am he

dogcrash truther posted:

Are They Good? The Surprising Truth About 11 Kid's TV Shows

7.

Nopin' Sesame

lol

# ¿ Sep 2, 2014 03:32

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# ¿ May 17, 2024 01:00

i am he

Whats up chucklefucks?! Everyone's favorite fuckmuncher, me THE PSYCHO CHILDREN'S TV SHOW REVIEWER

, is back for another INSANE

brutalization of a popular show aimed at toddlers. After last week's psychotic takedown of Barney and Friends I bet you thought I didn't have any more bloodthirst left, guess again shitstains!

On the chopping block this week we've got the objectively fuckshit piss show Bob the Builder. Let's tear this garbage to shreds piece by bloody piece!

1. First, the writing

. This whole team of piss poor writers should be insanely slaughtered for writing such a formulaic show that didn't feature one episode that deviated from the standard premise. Jesus tittyfucking Christ is it bad

. I wonder what's going to happen this episode? Maybe Bob WILL loving BUILD SOMETHING JUST LIKE THE LAST 50 EPISODES YOU SHITLORDS!!

2. It's 2014 and we live in a post racist society!!

When Mr. Sabatini, the painfully stereotypical Italian pizza shop owner, only present to satisfy left wing fuckfaces demands for diversity, speaks with a distinguishable Italian accent I want to murder his voice actor, Peter Van Wagner

. I'm not a racist cuntwagon, but try including some relatable characters for the white majority for once!

3. TV show characters are supposed to be interesting, right?? Cultivating well rounded, visually interesting characters is an important part of children's programming. Am I insane for thinking that?? Don't answer that

. Looks like the creator of Bob the Builder, Keith Chapman, didn't get that memo. Probably too busy sleeping in a puddle of his own poo poo and piss to pay attention to his mentor, Jim Henson, who actually knew what the flying gently caress he was doing and created some really imaginative and three dimensional characters. Rest in peace, Jim.

I hope you've enjoyed..actually I don't give a poo poo fucknuggets!!

See you next time, until then, this psycho is out of here!!

# ¿ Sep 3, 2014 02:20

The Something Awful Forums > Archives > Comedy Goldmine > BYOB Goldmine: Gold Mango > Welcome, to the BYOB Slaughterhouse