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Mortley posted:I have anxiety and have been through depressive periods. Even in the good times, I drink a lot and have insomnia. Currently, I'm in grad school and employed, dating, and ridiculously happy, so this isn't some kind of weird cry for help. I'm genuinely curious. wall of text ahoy I've always been pretty even keel and stoic when it comes to my emotions, not particularly prone to being down or anxious, and usually am not paralyzed to inaction by bad things happening. That's not to say I don't get upset/scared/frustrated/discouraged/whatever when things happen day to day or during major life stuff. I used to have a hard time relating to people who were extremely emotional or had a hard time coping with stuff but I've made a concerted effort to become more empathetic to other people's situations recently and I'm less of a dick these days because of it (I hope). When family members have died I miss them, and feel sad, but I realized there's nothing I can do about it and having it negatively impact my life after I've given the even the proper time to settle in is something I've never had happen. I just realize there's a life to be lived so I just get distracted by all the other stuff in my life and eventually I feel better. Idle hands and all that. As far as drinking too much, the older I get and keep going to bars/playing in bands, the more often it becomes apparent that some people just can't hang and need to probably consider sobriety. I worry about them, sure, and I support them, but people can only do so much for others and the rest is on them, so I try not to feel too much guilt if I feel like I'm doing my best to help and they just are unable or unwilling to help themselves. It's mostly a feeling of helplesness because I can't MAKE someone change. I've had friends with serious drug problems and other than planning stuff to do with them that doesn't tempt or involve drugs/alcohol and let them know my door is always open, there's not much I can do and it sucks but it just is what it is. The emotion that keeps me awake at night the most frequently is anticipation, like I have trouble sleeping the night before going on vacation or going on tour but it's kind of excitement rather than anxiety. I tend not to dwell on things so anxiety doesn't keep me up much, but sometimes I'll have dreams about my grandfather who passed years ago and I'll wake up and sometimes cry as we were very close and I do still miss him in a sort of ambient subconscious way that never really enters my mind during my day to day but will creep up on me in my sleep maybe once a year. It's not really a big deal and honestly I kind of enjoy it once I'm not sad anymore because I have so many good memories of him it makes me happy to remember the time we had together and I feel like the successes I've had in my life would make him proud of me. Dating was always a weird one for me, I'm not 100% comfortable getting close to new people right away but I warm up quickly. I've been told that I'm very good with small talk and people like me almost instantly but I feel like I'm terrible at it, so when I was single I had kind of a Dunning-Kruger thing going on with the ladies (I thought I was an awkward mess when they actually had a nice time and thought I was charming or whatever). I'm more comfortable in LTRs so I've never been single for very long. The last time I was single was weird because I came out of a pretty long relationship and was pretty bummed about it but a lot of other things in my life were starting to go really well so I think that I looked like I was on top of the world but in reality I was pretty sad privately. A lot of my best friends' relationships ended around then too so we just kind of banded together in our hosed up state and tried our best to simultaneously enable each other's wild single lives and support each other when we were feeling low and while I never want to feel that lovely again, the camaraderie was so affirming I wouldn't go back and undo anything. I was really really low when my girlfriend broke up with me but I just stayed really busy, worked at my job, lived alone for a while, played lots of music, hung out with my friends almost constantly unless I wanted to be a sad sack and listen to the Magnetic Fields curled up in a ball in bed for a while. Eventually I just felt better, like she just faded to a dull ache and eventually to just a thing that happened that I didn't feel one way in particular at all. My dating red flags are mysticism/astrology and manic states. I think mystical stuff is tiresome and silly, and I don't have time for people who are always in a cycle of panic and repair. My finances are ok now, but I've always been fairly impulsive with money, but I think that's from how I was raised rather than some underlying mania or something. My background is aggressively white middle class suburbia, so I feel almost nothing about it, it was so vanilla. My parents were nice and kind of annoying in the way parents can be, but they did all right by me and even though we disagree from time to time they do love me. I honestly don't think about it much at all and if anything I feel a sort of survivor guilt when I talk to my friends who had hosed up home lives growing up since my childhood was pretty benign. I'm half Jewish so I can do Jewy stuff if I want but not have any of the drawbacks of being a "minority" since I don't look it at all. I grew up doing Passover and Hanukkah with my grandparents but never had to go to temple or anything as my mom is an agnostic and my dad was a lapsed Irish Catholic when I was a kid. tl;dr nothing has ever been that big of a deal and probably never will be, life is cool and chill I feel like this is a humblebrag honepot, so trap sprung I guess? himajinga fucked around with this message at 18:42 on Dec 8, 2014 |
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Dec 8, 2014 18:30
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