Horrors of Retail Megathread,

The Something Awful Forums > Archives > General Bullshit > Horrors of Retail Megathread,

Minimalist Program: Aug 14, 2010

This thread is about the horrors people encounter, when working retail. We all know someone who has worked retail and hell, some of us have even worked retail ourselves. It is a job that is full of horrors and dumb customers. They say that the customer is always right, but in this thread (the horror's of retail), we are not of that opinion. Rather, you might even say, that the customer is always a fright. Haha, that's just a bit of the old 'tail humor that you have to make use of just to get by. Because retail is soul crushing, and the horrors are everywhere. To get the ball rolling, I will start with my own story of working retail.

So I was putting myself through collage by working retail, this was me:

Haha, yeah, I was pretty clueless back then. Not now though. The trials of working retail have hardened me into a cool person, a real tough guy who gets laid a lot and would never work retail. Back then, however, hoh boy was I clueless. Not cool. I am cool now though.

This is me, first considering taking a job in retail. I seem to be thinking "hmmm, despite the horrors of retail I have heard about in places such as Richard Lowtax Kyanka's something awful forums, I wonder if a retail job might not be right for me anyway? Dumb gently caress. What did I know?

Okay, I seem to be saying here. I guess I will get a job working retail. How bad can it be? LIttle did I know, of the horrors of retail that awaited me. When I look at this mspaint of younger me, which I just painted, I truly want to grab that person by the shirt collar and shake him and scream: you fool do you not realize how horrible working a retail job is?????

I landed an interview in a store where I live. It was a retail store, which was perfect for my plans, which involved working in retail. I went to the interview, and the man who opened the door and asked me to come in, looked roughly like this. I am mspainting from memory, here, and also the memory of the horros of retail is triggering my ptsd so it is not accurate but rather an interpretation.

He was so angry, from the very start!! I did not know it at the time, but looking back, it seems obvious that in his own way he was trying to disuade me from the horrors of a retail job. He waved his yellow arms and showed me his teeth like a real angry dude.

But of course, like the idiot I was, I resisted his attempts to not give me a job, and made him give me a job, at the retail store. This is what it looked like:

It was not called the compliment emporium, but it was close. The first day was fine. I was taught how to use the register, and given several t-shirts. I met a colleague of mine whom I shall call REbecca, because that is her name. Ha ha.

The second day, confusion began:

And it quickly became worse, when one day when I was restocking the shelves, I was approached by not one, not two but THREE customers who were all up in my business.

(me): Greetings gentlement, welcome to the store. What can I help you with today? Be warned however, that in doing business with me, you are exposing yourself to potentially deadly levels of awesome customer care.
:stare:

them: Welcome to horror retail, bitch.

Well, working in retail, I was prepared to deal with a few bad eggs. Most customers are really nice, like probably 98% of them are nice. But it's the 2% last percent that really get you. They're the ones who grind your bones and destroy your day. They are the ones you think about when you come home from work and try to relax with a cool JRPG that is not sexually deviant nor misogynistic.
Those last two percent of customers, who will do poo poo like this - this is literaelly what I one day came into work and saw happen, right there in the middle of the isle. The fuckers did nto even clean up after themselves. They just did that, and left everything a mess. And who had to clean it up? That's right, me: Minimalist Program. Clean up in isle six, my rear end:

Now, some people will tell you that the best part of working retail horror, is the colleagues. Which is right. Rebecca, for example, was pretty cool and would have given me her number if she hadn't had another boyfriend (the fucker worked in a competing store, but she did not care). But another colleague of mine was a real fucker. He was called Shawn. This is Shawn:

He was always late for work, and smelled weird. Also he spoke with a lisp and always hit on Rebecca, which was super creepy and I could tell she did not like it. Looking back, I'm p. sure he was a goon (but an old time GBS 1.0 goon, not like current goons which are better)

Shawn would leave notes on everything in the break room, and be a general nuisance. One day, he did this:

I just, I can't even... what do you even say.... n...no.. just no.... I don't even....

Customer care was bad enough, but things with Shawn got out of hand:

That was right before christmas, that he did this poo poo. I couldn't believe it. Shawn had basically pulled the most retarded stunt you could think of, RIGHT before the christmas rush, in a very busy retail store. Shawn was basically a sociopath. I have taken a Myers-briggs test and I am an INTJ which is very rare and very intelligent kind of personality type similar to Neo from the matrix, and Einstein. But Shawn was probably a Myers-briggs FUCKR, if anything. I called Rebecca several times and told her about how hosed up things were getting with Shawn, but she did not want to "stir the waters" or "Talk to me, ever" she said. So basically, Shawn had free reign. That's another horrible part of working retail. People like Shawn, those with low morals, always float to the top of the cess pool.

One day, I get this pic on my phone from Rebecca, with the note: you won't believe what the boss is telling us to stock by the reg-shelves. the "reg-shelves" are those shelves by the register that see a lot of impulse purchase action, as customers are waiting in line to purchase their goods. It's the primo spot in the entire retail store, and we were always excited to see what went on there at the beginning of each month when my yellow boss did the rearrangement and monthly briefing. Well, now my insane boss had decided to put these by the register. RIGHT next to where I worked. And of course, everybody had to ask the same question when they saw them. Thousands of lame customers with the same punny joke. Haha, it never got old. I won't even type it out here, it's so hashed out:

Finally, when I graduated college, I simply quit. The horros of retail were too much for me to bear. MY boss gave me a glowing recommendation, and I am dating REbecca today.. And as for Shawn? Well, heh, let's just say that the fucker got what he had coming, in the end....