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Shelly "UGH! NERDS!" The smell of the crowd of goblin nerds as they press close to her is nigh-overpowering. With one mighty punch, she bowls them over. "TRY USING DEODERANT. OR MAYBE BATHING MORE THAN ONCE A WEEK." The intrepid Shelly, seeing the chasm before her and thinking that perhaps a way out is near if only she could traverse the void, she backtracks to find Mimi. Heading to the Slave Pits to tell Mimi that there's a Wizard's Tower. I suggest we team up!
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Apr 2, 2015 07:31
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Bryn of Tanna Sword of Plant Racism +2 Sack of Vegepygmy Crap Dank Vegepygmy Weed Cute as Heck Drow Armor Thraebreena's Magebook Deets So first off, Bryn's obviously taking all that stuff because what's she gonna do, turn down random crap she finds? Have you ever played Dungeons & Dragons? If this were a marginally more serious endeavor she'd be prying out door hinges and snapping ladders in two to sell them as ten foot poles, instead she's collecting all this stuff because: 1). Someone somewhere in this dungeon might be all like "I will give FIFTY BILLION GOLD PIECES, which my idiot people view as worthless trinkets, to whoever brings me a valuable sack of vegepygmy crap" and she's not gonna be caught out on that one, I know how this poo poo works. 2). That vegepygmy weed is dank as hell. 3). Bryn already has armor, but you never know when you might need a second set. Besides which, it is pretty cute. 4). Thraebreena's pretty cool. "Girl, I'm tellin' you, if this job sucks so much...and it does, trust me, I can tell...then you need to get the gently caress out," she tells the drow ranger as she gets ready to head on out, still pleasantly buzzed. "You're being wasted here. Just, like, collapse the bridge or some poo poo, nobody wants to go visit those assholes anyway. And then, and then...you come to Tanna, aight? I'll hook you up. We got booze, we got fine ladies, we got demon-gnolls tryin' to kill us on the regular, you'll fuckin' love it. Bring the games, yeah? I wanna rematch." Okay, now what was she doing again? Right. Treasure. But honestly she was starting to develop a pretty serious case of the munchies after all that, and that messed-up courtyard that Thraebreena mentioned is back in vegepygmy territory and frankly she's pretty tired of their poo poo by this point. There'll be other dangerous, red-bordered rooms for her to risk her life on the throw of the dice for some treasure. The Drowvales probably have some place to eat at, and while she'd like to get the hell out of here and back to whatever she was doing before Fattus Albertus the Fuckwizard zapped her here, that whole center of the mountain business sounds like it might be important maybe. So Bryn goes west. Maybe she'll meet someone else there! Or maybe not, who knows.
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Apr 2, 2015 07:32
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Wo Mi Downing the entire bottle of whiskey in one gulp, I obnoxiously yell, "nice hat, moron!" before smashing the now empty bottle over the gnome's head. I take the oversized hat and place it on my head at a jaunty/dumb angle before stepping through the maintenance door.
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Apr 2, 2015 07:34
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 Krag begins handing out the gobling beer to the kobolds attempting organise a union strike and forming a glorious socialist uprising. "KRAG UPSET ABOUT SMALL BUSINESSES OWNERS CONTROLLING MEANS OF PRODUCTION. KRAG THINK WEALTH DISTRIBUTED EVENLY BETTER. REFORMING SUPER ANNUANATION POLICIES WILL ALLOW INCREASED WAGES" Krag screams as he charges the known magenta dragon tony abbott.
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Apr 2, 2015 08:28
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Ettin posted:
Thag may be a star athlete, but he's no big game hunter! His best bet is to sneak around the edge of the park and try not to get noticed. It's no different than sneaking out of the locker rooms when there's a crowd of reporters and troll slayers vying for attention after a game! All he has to do is... wait is that It IS! It's his old board-with-a-nail-in-iting school mascot, a Behemastadon! A real live one, not stuffed like one back in Coach's office! Change of plans. Thag leaps onto the behemastadon's back and rides it victoriously out of the park! GO FIGHTING BEHEMASTADONS!: 2d6 6 Thag sure hopes this thing fits through the tunnels. Let's see if it can get us all the way to the visitor's center.
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Apr 2, 2015 08:59
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Ettin posted:
 I am Sir Plus of Parts the Warforged Bard and I'm Full of Useful Devices (and musical instruments). Eww! Little animal skeletons. It always freaks me out, remembering that inside every squishy thing is a skeleton waiting to get out. I bet that fat wizard's just a puppet for his inner skeleton. I play a tune on my built-in harmonica and walk out of the crypt, completely crushing the animal bones because I'm like two tons of medieval robot or some poo poo.
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Apr 2, 2015 09:22
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Meruru (ningyou) E1: MUSHROOM KINGDOM This is another fungal cavern, only this one is cold and filled with little mushroom men. They're very polite and willing to help - or would be, if they weren't currently engrossed in some kind of hockey tournament. If Meruru wants to get their help, one of their teams is down a player... . . . Richard Maximus (Xelkelvos) F1: FUZZY COAST The Fuzzy Coast is a much nicer cave on the edge of one of the Underdark's seas. The forest is full of duckbunnies, birdbunnies, bearbunnies, and other fuzzy and relatively harmless hybrids, the kind that are great for padding out your Monster Manual. But as you travel through the coast, you are attacked by.... A LANDSHARKBUNNY! . . . Lionel Landingham (Roach Warehouse) A2: SCORCHED CAMP This place was once an ancient ruin, overgrown with vines. It looks like someone cleared out the vegepygmies and tried to set up some kind of health retreat, cutting away the vegetation and replacing the ruins with simple wooden buildings. Unfortunately, it's burned down. All that's left are a few yellowing signs advertising yoga classes, diseased skeletons slumped across the ground, and wild fungus hogs roaming the place which get violent if they see an outsider. If you brave them, maybe you can salvage something from here... . . . Mimi (Viva Miriya) The captives in the Slave Pits are being forced by the goblins to do tasks the goblins are incapable of, like cleaning their malware. They are tortured until they agree, usually by having goblins come in and give them extremely long speeches about their D&D characters. It is currently being guarded by Pugbears, large dog-like goblins created with vile alchemies for guarding slave pits and similar places. The place is running smoothly right now, but some intrepid adventurers could fix that! . . . Glutton (Bushmeister) After eating the hologram, you step out into... C4: JIM'S DUNGEON Half of this massive chamber has been converted into a deep, grim-looking dungeon that descends into a pit in the earth further than your eye can see. It's not the biggest dungeon you've seen, but it's pretty nice for a start-up. Hovering over the entrance is Jim the Hemilich, who explains that he has Kickstarted this dungeon but his rival Dave has stolen his plans and built a similar dungeon on the other side of the chamber to spite him. Jim offers a reward for anyone who can defeat Dave, then starts to explain their backstory. This quest sounds like it's going to get complicated... . . . Sir Aurinkoinen (Siivola) and Bryn of Tanna (Kai Tave) A4: CAVE JAIL CAVE JAIL is the cave where the Drow jail their prisoners. Most of them are political prisoners, disgraced sorcerers, and dram who followed the priestesses around to Just Ask Questions one too many times. Cave Jail is guarded by Dram Guards who constantly mutter about advanced negging techniques and their favourite animes, and they do not take kindly to people trying to climb up the cliff and pass through Cave Jail. Looks like you might be in trouble here... ...Meanwhile, Bryn is able to just pass through on the main road to drow civilization. This looks like the kind of place with treasures inside, though. Anyway, the guards keep tipping their hats and saying "m'lady", though, and it is super annoying. . . . Ryan Arrr (John Dough) Ryan stalks through to the... D3: DROWVALES These caverns are where the drow farm the food they eat. Some of them farm regular cows, spider-horses, spider-pigs or scorpion-chickens, and others tend to fields of under-wheat (it's like wheat but underground) and under-corn. Gangs of young drow bandits are roaming the roads when Ryan shows up—apparently a passer-by just stole a Bandit Lord's extremely choice hat while he was taking a poo poo, and they're looking for a foreigner to rob in retaliation. Uh oh... . . . Wo Mi (MaliciousOnion) I'll take it! The gnome collapses, and you skip all his bullshit puzzles and go straight through to...  C2: TRAP MUSEUM This huge, elaborate hall is actually a museum built to commemorate all of history's greatest traps. Pit traps, spikes that shoot out of the walls, rolling boulders, Bitcoin, it's got it all. It's not finished yet, but signs claim there's a gift shop if you can get through it... You should decide if you're heading south or braving the Regular Corridor for potential death but massive rewards! . . . Krag (kingcom) This post is extremely my poo poo, so Krag is free to describe striking down the Magenta Dragon And Australian Prime Minister Tony Abbott. He also gains a band of Socialist Kobolds, who provide a +1d6 bonus to any rolls involving the ability to fit in small spaces or protest action. . . . Thag Bonecrusherson (Tendales) A sportstroll wielding a clubball bat rides a behemastadon out of the cave and into the... F2: VISITOR CENTER This cave was a visitor center not just for the Park, but some kind of massive research complex and wildlife park you appear to have been dumped in. But you don't have much time to explore the place before you are beset by digesters - actual D&D monsters and man-sized creatures that spray its gross digestive juices at you. Google them, they look hilarious. . . . Sir Plus of Parts (DigitalRaven) B1: PET CEMETERY This cave is an ancient graveyard. It's got all the classic graveyard monsters - ghosts, ghouls, skeletons, morhgs - only this is a pet cemetery, and they are all cats and dogs and goldfish and poo poo. If you get too close or try to move through the cemetery without being careful, you might find yourself under attack from some vampire budgies or something.
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Apr 2, 2015 09:49
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Ettin posted:Glutton (Bushmeister)  : "By my ladle, you look even less filling than the trick of light and magic that I just had! I am quite peckish and your bone-meal will not sustain me. I shall find this 'Dave', you apparition, and exact swift revenge for stealing your original idea. Forwards, then, for death, glory and the filling of larders!"I waddle forward into Jim's dungeon and in a straight line toward Dave's, looking for the miscreant but mainly for anything edible to fill the emptiness inside me. (not rolling and/or eating anything yet because I guess Dave is gonna have some bullshit exposition as well but will if called upon!)
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Apr 2, 2015 10:07
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Bryn of Tanna Sword of Plant Racism +2 Sack of Vegepygmy Crap Dank Vegepygmy Weed Cute as Heck Drow Armor Thraebreena's Magebook Deets The thing about Bryn here is even if the Dram weren't really loving annoying and had terrible hats and an overwhelming aura of greasiness about them, even if they were essentially different beings in every way that mattered and therefore not completely terrible, Bryn doesn't swing that way. Like, at all. Now she could try to patiently explain this to a bunch of stubby weirdos with lovely facial hair who keep muttering to themselves about betas and negging and poo poo, hoping that they accept this explanation without complaint or taking it as an excuse to immediately begin harassing her...or she could pull out that big loving sword that she's been carrying since she got wizardported here, the one that's so huge it has two different grips on it for optimal killing comfort, and slay each and every last one of the greasy little bastards she can before stealing whatever it is they're guarding. She opts for the latter and rolls a 7. "Goddamnit," Bryn says, her buzz slowly wearing off and her armor now painted with a fresh coat of blood. Sundered fedoras litter the floor. "Great, now I smell like Cheez-Its." Bryn is killing the gently caress out of some Dram guards and stealing some sweet treasures. She may also be meeting up with Siivola's character maybe! For now I have to sleep though. I'll return in 8-ish hours or so for more sweet dungeoning action.
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Apr 2, 2015 10:11
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Ettin posted:Sir Plus of Parts (DigitalRaven) While I can't stand skeletons, vampires and ghouls are just fine! They, after all, feast on flesh and skin and blood and other things that Warforged don't actually have. And animals like it when you sing to them... Extending a flute from my — no, not what you're thinking, my finger — I play a tune to charm the undead animals, like a robot pied piper drawing the vampire budgies, mummy gerbils, ghoul cats, and ghost gholdfish to distract the bunny skeletons. And the other skeletons. Goddamn skeletons. If any of them survive, I'll keep playing so they follow me like I'm some kind of hosed-up robot Disney princess attended to by the undead animal forces of Hell.
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Apr 2, 2015 10:15
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Thag Bonecrusherson Oh HELL no. Troll Union 541 worked hard getting acid monsters banned from league play for a reason! Well, like Coach always says, never turn your back on a player that can puke corrosive goo on you. Thag chokes up on his clubball bat, spurs his behemastadon forward, and prays to his ancestors that those six months of elven polo crosstraining pay off. Hit those gross fuckers with a stick: 2d6 8 Even a star clubballer can't hope to splatter all the digesters before they get some spit off, and if someone has to take one for the team, well... it's a tragic, noble sacrifice, but Thag will just have to let ol' Buorn the Behemastadon make it. Seriously, any of that spit gets near him, and Thag's going to shelter behind this dumb stinky hairy animal. Thag beats the digesters until they stop leaking, and ransacks the cave for loot and/or endorsement deals.
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Apr 2, 2015 10:19
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Jimothy Jones Jimothy Jones is quick to spend his 350 DrowCoins on some Drow Armor because as everybody knows you lose all your EXP and money when you die so might as well spend it as soon as possible. He's not especially picky as his current attire is half rusted away so it doesn't offer very good Thrust protection. Afterwords, he trundles of on the Highway to the Danger Zone in the north. >Go North
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Apr 2, 2015 12:40
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I am Ug the Magical and I am an Orc Magic-man with a Crow familiar way smarter than me. Ug begins by acting like he does when anyone monologues at him. Smile and nod, and think about rabbits. Rabbits are fuzzy. They're kinda cute, and also tasty. Hard to catch though. They always trick Ug. This continues until the crow pecks Ug on the head, and he snaps out of his daydream. Ug tries asking the image of the wizard "Why Ug here?" several times, and not understanding the explanation. Eventually, Ug notices the skeletons, and comes to the conclusion that the wizard must have talked them to death. Ug is too smart for this trap, and leaves in search of a sandwich.
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Apr 2, 2015 13:05
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Sir Aurinkoinen Meeting the drams dims my mood. That creatures like this could exist! Still, not all is lost, there is still hope for even these wretches. They're just ignorant and miserable. "Have you guys ever considered, y'know, going outdoors sometime? Picking a hobby, meeting people in 3D? Hitting the gym does wonders for your self-esteem, y'know, you should really give it a shot!" I let the golden glow of my faith in the restorative power of healthy exercise wash over them. It should repel them long enough for me to rifle through their stuff and skedaddle.
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Apr 2, 2015 13:23
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Wo Mi "Oh gently caress no. I'm too wasted to deal with this educational poo poo," I slur as I stagger through the museum, pausing only to piss on a classic pressure plate design. The souvenir shop holds no temptation, they don't even serve booze. Trap Museum: 2d6 10 Let's go RED - regular corridor with a shitton of traps.
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Apr 2, 2015 14:25
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Ettin posted:Wyrlack (gnarlyhotep) Wyrlack sleeps off the weed and party haze, then decides to see about locating some of these wizard employees and their treasures. Keeping his embarrassing anime axe at the ready, he heads South.
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Apr 2, 2015 16:35
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Ettin posted:
A Landsharkbunny! All of the terrible fearsomeness of a shark, but on land. And now with it being crossed with a bunny, not only is it even more adapted to the land, it's also completely adorable and probably harmless. The cuteness and terrestrialness of all of this is irritating to the sailor and frankly, his sea legs are not built for all this walking and spelunking. The landsharkbunny seems like a perfectly serviceable mount to ease his already tired legs. "Hiyah!" Richard leaps onto the creature, his legs splayed, in order to mount it. Not "mount" it because the walls are likely stone and he has no tools to do such a thing. And also not mount it because that would plainly be sick and wrong. Mount the Landsharkbunny: 2d6: 8 "Good on yeh. I think I'll call you Priapus. Now come on then you fuckin' beast, ride!"
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Apr 2, 2015 16:39
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Lionel Landingham III quote:A2: SCORCHED CAMP "This place looks like it might have been real nice back in the day. I'd have come here, smoked a weird pipe in an orc tent or something." Lionel bravely confronts the wild fungus hogs, certain he will be able to overcome them with his glockenspear. Or more accurately, he heedlessly wanders into their territory and doesn't realise it until too late. Spearin' Hogs in their Territory: 2d6 10
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Apr 2, 2015 17:22
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Ettin posted:Ryan Arrr (John Dough) I show them that I don't have anything worth stealing because I'm poor as poo poo, but if they're okay with handing out sidequests, I'm totally up for finding that guy and bludgeoning him (after removing the hat from his head), then returning the hat. For a small fee, say 20 pieces of copper. Plus a 5 copper hat-finding surcharge, 2 coppers for administrative costs, and 2 for hat insurance Low-cost hat retrieval: 2d6 6
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Apr 2, 2015 18:44
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Ettin posted:Meruru (ningyou) Meruru-chan is just charmed, taken so by their politeness and their cuteness and their tininess! She is just charmed...until she catches a hint of what they're doing. Hockey?! She is taken aback! Her face scrunches up a bit, and her head slooooowly shakes, and she must correct this awful error! "Gather 'round, gather 'round, tiny Mushroom Canadians! I shall tell you about the first matriarch of our holy church.~ You see, the first Anime Pope died for a great many things, but do you know what she died for most of all~?" "WAS IT CATS EVERYONE SAYS THEY LIKE CATS BUT IDK THEY'RE KINDA DICKS" "No, no! A-as the old stories say, um.....she died for a great many things but she especially died for the sake of leading her flock away from competitive sports and games and toward cooperative models of play in which everyone is the winner and everyone can have fun! So let's play a non-competitive hockey-like game where everyone is the winner, e-even if they're not very good at competitive sports, okay?" Her voice falters a bit at the politely skeptical faces (do mushroomppl have faces like i feel like i should know this since i'm playing a vaguely slutty space mushroom in another game but i'm legit unsure) peering back up at her, but then she has an idea! "You wouldn't want to be impolite, would you? You wouldn't want to hurt anyone's feelings, would you?" going to use my Anime Pope knowledge and instinctive Anime Pope dislike of competitive sports and try to Ningyou fucked around with this message at 21:50 on Apr 2, 2015 |
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Apr 2, 2015 20:38
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Shelly - Slave Pits Shelly stomps into the Pits, not wasting the chance to punch a few goblinerds on her way through Goblinville. If you're mayor, why not enjoy the perks? "WHAT A DUMP. CHRIST." Spotting Mimi, she starts actually yelling. "HEY, TWINKLETOES, I FOUND A WIZARD TOWER. I DUNNO, MAYBE IT'S THE NERD WE NEED TO PUNCH TO GET OUTTA HERE. BUT THERE'S A BIG GAP IN THE WAY. WANNA TEAM UP?" Her mother, the finest Skelly-Puncher of her generation, always told her that when you entreat someone's aid, you had best shout at the top of your lungs, so they understand you're not some kind of pansy. Looking at all the slaves and the pugbear guards, Shelly's brain muscles start a-flexing. "WHO WANTS BACON?!" She cries out, knowing that any canine, even a half-pug, cannot resist the call of that king of crisp, the lord of meat, bacon. A goblin overseer, raises his voice to object, knowing that this is not time for snackies, as snackies only comes after walkies and only if the pugbears have been good--but a quick jab sees that he'll be eating through a straw for months. The pugbears line up, ready for snackies, sitting on their bear-haunches and looking to Shelly, begging. "AWW..." She punches them out, one after the other, making a confused "BOWRF?!" noise, before falling into unconscious, chasing dire squirrels in their dreams. "SLAVES! I BEAT THE poo poo OUTTA YOUR MASTERS. THAT MEANS YOU'RE MINE. GOT IT?" The nod, nervously, glancing at the pugbears. "BUT ALL YA GOTTA DO IS DO ONE THING FOR ME AND YOU CAN DO WHATEVER, OKAY?" They nod, worried at what task this titan of a woman could possibly have in mind for them. I'm taking them back to the Goblin Hole.
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Apr 2, 2015 20:59
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 It's Azure Jules, Anime Knight Extraordinaire with the power of being A Giant Packrat, here to get all the gold! Turns out, those 'dank nugs' the council of whizzards mentioned are definitely not nuggets of gold, but eh whatever they're probably worth something so Jules starts filling her pack and a most of her pockets with them anyways. Some boring rear end whizzard is talking about trapping her here but that's just because she tricked him into tricking her so she could get to the supposed dank gold. Thankfully, Jules has enough pockets to fill to last the length of his monologue and isn't bored to death.
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Apr 2, 2015 23:08
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Glutton (Bushmeister) C4: DAVE'S DUNGEON The other half of this massive chamber has been converted into an almost identical but slightly smaller dungeon (you can see the bottom). Hovering near the entrance is Dave the Semilich, who explains that he is getting revenge on Jim for stealing his phylactery plans and also being a necro justice warrior. He offers to top whatever reward Jim offered, but evades answering any questions about their history. Hmm... . . . Bryn of Tanna (Kai Tave) Bryn cuts her way through the Dram and takes some of their stuff. Besides some assorted dram gear she finds a Hat Seed. If she plants it in the ground, it turns into a giant tree that sprouts trilbies; she can use this for a +1d6 bonus to one roll, and then she gets a pile of trilbies. . . . Sir Aurinkoinen (Siivola) Meanwhile, Sir Aurinkoinen convinces the dram to leave the area to rethink their lives and possibly get slaughtered by Bryn in the process. Aurinkoinen gets a hold of their cave jail keys, and can release a few prisoners who probably don't deserve to be here! One of them decides to accompany Aurinkoinen: Red Dave, a drow warrior with dual-wielded scimitars and a chainmail mankini. You can use him for a +1d6 bonus to one roll! You can also meet with Bryn at the entrance. . . . Sir Plus of Parts (DigitalRaven) Some charmed pet skeletons follow you! What happens next is up to you; you can head north into the actual cemetery or try your luck west. . . . Thag Bonecrusherson (Tendales) After you smash the digesters to pieces, you ransack the visitor center! Aside from some pro-wizard-experimentation flyers and a case of digester embryos, you find a figurine of wondrous power (palladium Jeff Goldblum). Like all figurines, you can turn it into the creature it depicts on command for a +1d6 bonus to one roll! From here, you can head south, east, or back to the Park and west. . . . Jimothy Jones (GruntyThrst)  D4: CAVE WARD Mez'alauesstra's directions take you to the Cave Ward, the slummy part of town. You can barely throw a brick without hitting someone who would throw a brick at you and take your stuff if they thought they could get away with it. In fact, the biggest problem you face is the pickpockets and muggers who think a foreigner is easy pickings. According to the local street signs, a powerful sorceress lairs on the northern edge of town, west will take you to the canyon separating drow lands from the central plateau, and east will take you into Dram lands. Once you've made it through the robbers, all those paths are open. . . . Ug the Magical (Elfface) B2: SKELETON CRYPT This crypt is full of skeletons! The undead pace around the crypt aimlessly, occasionally stopping at one of the many fine skeleton cafes or the skeleton theater for something to do. This corridor takes you into a skeleton nightclub. The skulls and glowsticks waving around there are pretty spooky, and Ug is going to have to keep his nerves under control and tread carefully if he wants to get through here without being dragged into a skeleton mosh pit... . . . Wo Mi (MaliciousOnion) On his way through, Wo manages to pick up a decentsword. It's not a greatsword, but it'll do - you get a permanent +1 to all rolls you use the sword in. Beyond the museum, Wo finds... C2: A REGULAR CORRIDOR, BUT WITH A SHITTON OF TRAPS This corridor is just plain covered in traps. It's a lot fancier than the last one, though, and it must lead somewhere amazing. If you can make it through here....  Challenge time! If you succeed, you'll get some of the best loot yet! If you fail, you're out of the game, but I'll still arrange a prize for participating in the discussion thread.. . . Wyrlack (gnarlyhotep)  E4: HIGHEST ELVES You end up in the valley of the highest elves. These guys don't have weed, they just consider themselves superior to the other elves. They spend most of their time studying the magical arts, working in STEM fields and blogging about the benefits of bringing back slavery. They even resist letting you into all the cool parts of their city, and discreetly hire guards to try and escort you out. Once you deal with these assholes, you've got a few options: west,, south to some kind of really smart talking tree the highest elves are talking up, or the important-looking mage tower overlooking the valley. . . . Richard Maximus (Xelkelvos) You successfully mount the landsharkbunny. Now you just have to decide where you ride it to: west, south or east. . . . Lionel Landingham III (Roach Warehouse) You defeat the hogs and manage to loot the camp. A dead, diseased skeleton slumped in a kiddie pool in the center is clutching a portable well; you place it on the ground and a well springs up, giving you a +1d6 bonus to one roll. You also find a tattered journal which talks up the sweet wizard tower to the north and its mystical connection to some other place filled with mangosteen. From here you can jump into the canyon and die, or head north to the tower and a sweet zipline that will take you across the canyon. You can also see A1 to the south, and you can enter the messed-up courtyard or the collapsed shrine from here. . . . Ryan Arrr (John Dough) John Dough accepts a sidequest to find Jimothy and steal his hat. The bandits have no way to enforce this though, so you can just leave and never come back. The bandits direct you north to D3: OLD TOWN. You can look for Jimothy here, or just grab some supplies and pick a direction to head off in! . . . Meruru (ningyou) Some extremely polite mushroom capadians decide to follow Meruru for a while and act as guides! She can use them for a +1d6 bonus to one roll. They can lead her east, south or southeast, or she can backtrack. . . . Azure Jules (sentrygun) A2: SCORCHED CAMP Azure Jules encounters the same scorched camp Lionel has. She's a little behind him (which only matters if you want to catch up instead of split up, but whatever), but if she can deal with the fungus hogs she might find some loot of her own! I'll wait and see what Mimi does before I give Shelly's thing! 
Ettin fucked around with this message at 12:36 on Apr 3, 2015 |
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Apr 3, 2015 02:30
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Ettin posted:
Thag Thag doesn't really care about the flyers, but he'll hang onto that case of digester embryos just in case he finds a blender somewhere in this dungeon and can make a protein shake. Obviously he keeps the figurine, too. Heading east out of here.
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Apr 3, 2015 02:45
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Krag always knew something was up about his PM but it wasn't until seeing him eating a raw onion that he realised Tones wasn't a lizard, he was magenta dragon! They were famed for their onion breath and it was not known to occur naturally. Alone the kobolds were nothing but together the kobolds were strong! "FREE UNIVERSITY EDUCATION" They bellowed like a dagger through the dragon's heart, "REFORM CORPORATE TAX!" Tones rocked to one side as if a great weight had crushed down upon one of his wings almost tearing it apart. "END THE SMALL BUSINESS TAX CUTS!" they howled and deep inside the dragon's belly where his bad policies grew, his dark heart surrounded by the bloat of a poorly assembled budget constricted. Tighter and tighter it became as each cost increased with savings that we're inconceivable! Finally Krag stepped up to deliver the final blow to the flailing and crippled dragon, his axe held high above his head. "KRAG REALLY DOESN'T CARE THAT MUCH ABOUT BOAT ARRIVALS", and the monster was no more. Krag takes his revolution to the Foreman-warlock's lair. Krag is going to fix the lives of these kobolds. Krag's a fixer.
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Apr 3, 2015 02:56
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Jimothy Jones Inventory: Adamantime Galive-something (equipped), Sweet Drow Armor (equipped), An Entire Bucket of Chicken, An Extremely Choice Hat (equipped) Heading west towards the ZOO WARD, Jimothy Jones encounters a Band of Bloodthirsty Rapscallions. These are no ordinary foes, however! Bursting from slightly off-color doors and backed up by annoyingly agile Undead Attack Dogs, these Hollow Thieves wield deadly Bandit's Knives. Luckily, Jimothy Jones' fancy new Sweet Drow Armor has a better defense against weapons that inflict Bleeding than his old Balder Knight Set. Stalwart behind his infuriatingly-effective-againt-low-level-chosen-undead Balder shield, Jimothy Jones pokes at his aggressors using the adamantine glaive-something until their insides fall out. Attack ne'er-do-wells! Attack Ne'er-Do-Wells: 2d6 7
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Apr 3, 2015 03:11
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Wo Mi Still quite drunk, I rudely shout, "What a fuckin' stupid corro- curry- hall! There's too many traps, makes it easy." I begin flipping down the corridor, singing as I go: "My-my-my-my kung-fu makes me so hard Makes me say oh my lord Thank you for blessing me With a mouth to drink and two hype feet That's good when you know you're down A super dope homeboy from the old town And I'm known as such And this is a monk - uh - u can't touch" A shitton of traps: 2d6 8
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Apr 3, 2015 04:04
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Azure Jules Bunch of weird pigs? Should mean hells of food drops, so Azure just rolls up on them with her sword and starts making bacon. Regrettably this is literal and not an allusion to money. Messin' up Pigs: 2d6 8
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Apr 3, 2015 04:22
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Ettin posted:Wyrlack (gnarlyhotep) What in the actual gently caress, bunch of corporate bitches. Wyrlack is going to play it cool and just nod and smile along with their bullshit. After that he hits the last of his weed supply from the high elves and heads for the talking tree. Because gently caress, how often do you meet a talking tree
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Apr 3, 2015 05:32
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Sir Aurinkoinen and Red Dave feat. Bryn of Tanna This Bryn person seems rad as hell, and they're absolutely festooned with booty. Yeah, I think we could do worse than hang out with her for a bit. She looks like she ran into a spot of trouble with the dram, but I'm sure it was all just a misunderstanding. Dave tells us we should head out to the Other Ward, and he seems like a trustworthy sort of fellow. We're going to head that way.
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Apr 3, 2015 06:02
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Ettin posted:Sir Plus of Parts (DigitalRaven) I could head north. Yeah. Right. Like I'm going to hang around with bones. We head west, with a song at my lips: Let's sing a gay song about death This is the season to sing So I'd like to suggest That we all do our best And warble a song while you ming DigitalRaven fucked around with this message at 09:35 on Apr 3, 2015 |
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Apr 3, 2015 08:51
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Bryn of Tanna Sword of Plant Racism +2 Sack of Vegepygmy Crap Dank Vegepygmy Weed Cute as Heck Drow Armor Thraebreena's Magebook Deets Hat Seed "What the gently caress is a trilby?," Bryn asks as she looks over the packet of plant seeds she found in one of the dead Dram's pockets. Not a single loving gold piece on any of them, just a bunch of pamphlets talking about something called BitCoins. Is that like electrum or something maybe? Bryn doesn't know and doesn't care either, but she pockets the seed because killing without looting is like getting drunk without regrettable life decisions, it's just not the same. "Oh hey, 'sup?," she says as some guy in armor and a tabard with a sun motif and another drow wanders on over as she finishes looting. She's currently covered in blood, surrounded by stunted, scraggly corpses, with her bloody greatsword propped up against a nearby wall. "What? Oh, these guys? They were like that when I got here." Nailed it. Sir Aurinkoinen (on account of that's his name, introductions all around) and Red Dave (yeah okay) suggest that they should check out this Other Ward place and Bryn's inclined to agree. Three kickass adventurers are better than one, and they aren't nearly as insufferable as Dram or vegepygmies so absolutely, let's get this party started. Bryn sheathes her sword after cleaning it off on a nearby dram corpse and away they go, one step closer to the center of this stupid place.
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Apr 3, 2015 09:07
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Ettin posted:Glutton (Bushmeister) : "Fee Fi Fo Fudge, I smell a friendly grudge! You are somewhat more corporeal than your cavern-sharing comrade, yet you too probably could not sustain me for long! Now stop this upsetting chicanery, or your phylactery will rest in my belly!"I slap my sacklike midregion to emphasis the imminence of phylacteries resting in belly. Rolling to intimidate the semilich to make up with the hemilich Roll, gently caress 2D6 = 5
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Apr 3, 2015 10:32
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Lionel Landingham III quote:You somehow evade the hogs and manage to loot the camp. A dead, diseased skeleton slumped in a kiddie pool in the center is clutching a portable well; you place it on the ground and a well springs up, giving you a +1d6 bonus to one roll. You also find a tattered journal which talks up the sweet wizard tower to the north and its mystical connection to some other place filled with mangosteen. Lionel thoughtlessly desecrated the withered corpse in the kiddie pool, taking his artefact and journal. "Sorry old chum, but I want this stuff more than you do. A tower? Bally ho. Maybe someone there can help me get to the ball on time." As fascinated as Lionel is by the architecture of the courtyard and shrine, he's never been able to pass up cheap thrills the likes of which only ziplines and mangosteen can provide. He heads Northward! Toward Riddle Pass! As he begins to ride in that direction, he glances over his shoulder and catches sight of Azure Jules. "Oh! Someone else is here, maybe they know the way home..." Jules making mince-meat of some hogs. "...They look busy. I shouldn't bother them."
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Apr 3, 2015 12:50
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Thag Bonecrusherson (Tendales) E1: MUSHROOM KINGDOM Well, this is weird. This cavern is filled with fungus, including mushrooms the size of houses. It's also cold and filled with little mushroom men. They're very polite, at least. Right now a lot of them are busy talking to some kind of anime pope lady, but Thag might be able to grab some supplies of his own while he's here! . . . Krag (kingcom) K3: FOREMAN-WARLOCK'S OFFICE Krag busts his way into the foreman's tower. Fluggo the Magnificent is a warlock who is also a super fat kobold, and he hates socialism. When Krag busts in, he's already readying his dark magics. "SSSSOCIALISTS! FACE NOW THE HAND OF THE FREE MARKET!" Can Krag survive this epic battle? RED ROOM! Succeed or die, Krag!. . . Jimothy Jones D4: ZOO WARD This ward is dominated by the drow's zoo. Luckily for Jimothy, today is free entry and you can get free cotton candy! Many of the zoo's inhabitants are powerful dungeon creatures with interesting abilities, but some of them are actual people or creatures from settings nobody likes, like Nentir Vale or Blackmoor. The giant space hamsters are cute, though. . . . Wo Mi  Wo Mi stumbles through the traps. On the way, he finds some sweet loot: a kickin' rad motorcycle someone left here. As well as a +1 bonus to all rolls involving this bike, you may use it to skip up to three dungeon rooms entirely without rolling, which should get you to the exit faster if that's what you're into. Beyond the corridor... H1: CRASH SITE  This enormous cavern has a massive hole in the ceiling. Dim light filters through and shines dramatically on a flipping spaceship, which has smashed into Goon Mountain and come to rest here. A few strange metallic creatures prowl the perimeter, but after that corridor it shouldn't be too hard to deal with them and plunder the area. Afterwards you can head east, stop to plunder the spaceship, head through a dwarven corridor to the south, or skip the dwarf area with your bike and plunge down south to the next time. . . . Azure Jules Jules cuts her way through the hogs! As well as a sack of gold coins, you find a figurine of wondrous power (gold E/N Poster). Like all figurines, you can turn it into the creature it depicts on command for a +1d6 bonus to one roll! You also find a tattered pamhplet which talks up the sweet wizard tower to the north and its mystical connection to some other place filled with mangosteen. From here you can jump into the canyon and die, or head north to the tower and a sweet zipline that will take you across the canyon. You can also see A1 to the south, and you can enter the messed-up courtyard or the collapsed shrine from here. . . . Wyrlack (gnarlyhotep) Wyrlack plays it cool! For his troubles, he manages to swipe a magical tome on his way out: the Cryptonomicon. It's like the Necronomicon, but all the things you can summon with it believe in the power of the free market. You can summon a creature with it for a +1d6 bonus to one roll, possibly more if you can get your hands on some Bitcoin later. E4: THE WISDOM TREE The Wisdom Tree is a tree with a face, so huge it's burrowed through the ceiling of the cave it's in to get more room. This is the spiritual leader of the elves of Goon Mountain, and though it's wisdom is not always heeded (especially by the highest elves, who think they should appoint someone to be CEO of the tree instead), its words still carry respect. "WHAT'S UP, MY MAN," the tree intones in a voice steeped in history. "GOT A QUESTION FOR THE WISDOM TREE?" . . . Sir Aurinkoinen + Bryn (Siivola and Kai Tave) A4: OTHER WARD This is one of the four cornerstones of drow lands, by which I mean it's on the corner. It's mostly just the drow version of suburbia, with homes and commercial districts and that kind of thing. Right now it's having another one of Goon Mountain's famous elections, for the ward's governor. The three current choices are: Alystin Waeglossz, who runs on a platform of killing all the vegepygmies and casual Fridays; Miz'ri Feathertoucher, who runs on a platform of public welfare programs and killing all the goblins; and Orgoloth Blaerambluh, who runs on a platform of arming people against Theodore Quigley but also Dram Rights Activism. How will you deal with this moral choice? . . . Sir Plus of Parts (DigitalRaven)  B4: HAUNTED FOREST You stand in a spooky haunted forest, filled with bedsheet ghosts. They try to drive Plus of Parts away with dramatic "wooo woooo"ing and dark necromancy. Over the forest looms the legendary spooky castle Castle Dravenloft. What do you do? . . . Glutton (Bushmeister) A failure! One more and you're dead, oh no! Dave the Semilich gives you a drubbing instead, with a blast of eldritch energies from his enchanted skeleton pelvis. "And don't come back!" he warns. You can leave the area, go back to Jim, or try again. It's up to you! . . . Lionel Landingham III (Roach Warehouse) A2: RIDDLE PASS Riddle Pass is pretty much just a space on the mountain path big enough for a gyrosphinx, a mystical sphinx who likes spinning in circles and always knows which way is north. "HOW ABOUT A GAME OF RIDDLES?" the sphinx demands. It refuses to stop spinning or blocking the path.
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Apr 3, 2015 13:18
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Krag marches inwards, his kobold protest group chanting the words of freedom Союз нерушимый республик свободных Сплотила навеки Великая Русь. Да здравствует созданный волей народов Единый, могучий Советский Союз! "United forever in friendship and labour, Our mighty republics will ever endure. The Lefty Union will live through the ages. The dream of a people their fortress secure." Krag looks on and with a sage nod responds. "I FIXED IT." 3d6 with protesting kobolds: http://orokos.com/roll/270357 Got a 9
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Apr 3, 2015 13:38
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Lionel Landingham IIIquote:A2: RIDDLE PASS "I LOVE riddles. Do you know the one about the mushroom with no doors or windows? Or the one about sharing secrets? No, no. How about the one..." Lionel just goes on like this for a while, referring to well known riddles by alluding to their answers, until: "Oh here's one: "What gets wetter and wetter the more it dries?"
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Apr 3, 2015 14:26
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Ettin posted:Sir Plus of Parts (DigitalRaven) The bedsheet ghosts' dramatic "wooo woooo"ing must be something I don't like if it's trying to drive me off. And what do you know, it is. They may like two-tone, but it's not my style. They're hanging in the air, slowly waving from side to side... it looks to me like they're dancing. Badly. Time to school some ghosts! Speakers out. Music on. This is serious. They think they can dance? They're wrong, and I'm going to show them just how wrong. It's dance-off time! After all, how else am I supposed to get close to Castle Dravenloft? I ain't going to walk. (I'm assuming this is far enough outside of my specialty to require a roll. Super Spooky Ghost Dance-Off! 2d6: 7)
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Apr 3, 2015 14:57
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Wo Mi Decentsword Kickin' rad motorcycle They say alcohol and vehicles don't mix but what do they know? I rev the engine of the bike with one hand and madly wave my sword in the other before doing donuts around the crashed spaceship, choppin' up robots as I go. Crash site: 2d6+2 11 > ENTER SPACESHIP█ MaliciousOnion fucked around with this message at 15:14 on Apr 3, 2015 |
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Apr 3, 2015 15:11
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| # ? May 17, 2024 19:34 |
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Ettin posted:Glutton (Bushmeister) : "A BLOO BLOO BLOO! BOO BLA BLOO BLOO! A BLOO BLOO BLOOOO!"I run westward, blubbering and waving my stubby arms incoherently in the air. Feel of shame burns in the pit of my stomach. Also hunger.
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Apr 3, 2015 15:53
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