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Outdated by a couple of years, but eh: A woman from East Germany, a homosexual, a Vietnamese and a cripple enter a bar. Says the barkeep: "Hey, it's the German federal government!" Q: Why did the GDR only allow one-layered toilet paper? A: So that even the last rear end in a top hat would turn red! Walter Ulbricht visits China for a talk with Mao Zedong. Ulbricht asks: "How many counterrevolutionaries do you have here in China?" Mao replies: "Well, about seventeen million, I guess. How many do you have?" - "About as many, I'd say." (The GDR had about 17 million inhabitants) Hitler was driving through the countryside when the car suddenly went over a bump. Hitler ordered the car to be stopped, looked outside and realised that they had ran over a hare. Feeling bad, he went over to the next farm to apologise to the farmer. When he came back, he had a black eye. "What happened?", asks the driver. "The farmer got mad and beat me up.", replies Hitler sullenly. The drive went on, when half an hour later there is another bump in the road - this time it's a rooster. Hitler sighs, goes up to the next farm and comes back with another black eye. When again thirty minutes later they run over a pig, he says to his driver: "Now it's your turn to go up there and get beaten up, no way I'm doing this a third time!" Dutifully, the driver goes to the farm. Hitler waits... and waits... and finally, when it already has grown dark and Hitler almost has fallen asleep, the driver comes back, super drunk. Hitler is astonished: "How on earth did you manage to do that?" Answers the driver: "No idea, I simply went to the farmer and said: 'Heil Hitler, the swine is dead!'" A Bavarian boy tries to sneak home after a long night - without success, as the first thing he encounters is his very Catholic and very, very angry dad. His father says: "YOu get ten seconds to give me a good explanation why you're coming home only now, or you'll wish you had never been born!" The boy gulps and answers timidly: "Well, Dad, I've been to that party, you know, and I drank so much beer and the people there were so cool, and I got really drunk and we started dancing, and... well, long story short, but I lost my virginity tonight." The father stares at him, then bursts out laughing, pats him on the back and exclaims: "Why didn't you say so immediately? We gotta celebrate that, let's have a beer!" When the bottles have been opened and the two have sat down at the table, the father asks him: "And who did you pop your cherry with? But no, let me guess... it was Kreszenz, the sacristan's daughter, right? She always was looking at you all flirty!" - "No Dad, it wasn't Kreszenz." The father laughs: "OK, next guess! It was Resi, the teacher's niece, right? That one is a looker!" - "No Dad, it wasn't Resi either." The son shudders, gathers his courage and says: "Dad, I gotta be honest with you. It was neither Kreszenz nor Resi... it was Stephan, the neighbour's son. I lost my virginity to him." His father is speechless for a second, then jumps up from his chair and - BAM! - hits his son straight in the face, madly screaming: "ARE YOU MAD!? YOU KNOW FULLY WELL HE'S PROTESTANT!" Barack Obama and Wladimir Putin build a time machine and travel to the future. After their arrival, Putin picks up a newspaper and begins laughing. "What's so funny?", asks Obama. Putin points at a headline that reads: "US dollar falls to a record low". Obama scowls, picks up another newspaper, starts laughing even harder: "Again trouble at the German-Chinese border!" And this pun which only works in German: "Berlin war 1945 voller Warenhäuser - da war 'n Haus, da war'n Haus..." (In 1945, Berlin was full of shopping malls - there used to be a house, there as well...)
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May 13, 2015 17:04
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Wow, I killed this thread pretty hard. I think some republican "humour" should rectify that: Q: Barack Obama is on a sinking ship, who gets saved? A: The Country! Q: What drink do you get with the McObama Happy Meal in Pakistan? A: No drink JUST ICE! Q: Why did Obama change his name from Barry to Barack? A: He thought Barry sounded too American. Q: Why won't Obama release his real birth certificate? A: He accidently smoked it. Q: How did Barack Obama propose to Michelle Robinson? A: He got down on one knee and said "I don't wanna be Obama self. " A muslim, a socialist, and a communist walk into a bar. The bartender says "Hello Mr. President." Q: why do you want Obama in your band? A: He has smoked rocks and knows how to roll (weed). Q: How does Obama sleep? A: First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other. ...goddamn, this is bad. I'm sorry.
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May 20, 2015 23:25
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