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Secret griffin sex cult (Advice taken and removed text in case this slips into archives. Thanks all!) Mr. Creakle fucked around with this message at 00:48 on Jun 6, 2015 |
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May 23, 2015 21:02
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| # ? Apr 28, 2024 20:48 |
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I'm not feeling much of an emotional response to this. Descriptions are too clinical, there's no conflict except for the rider thinking the gryphon baby looks a little gnarly. I think I'd be more entertained with a story about a terrible non-candidate who was accidentally imprinted upon, rather than a gryphon going to its just partner who understands gryphons. Or, a story about a rider who helps her hatchling out of the egg, and it ends up being a weird/bad gryphon. Those were interesting, conflict-heavy ideas.
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May 26, 2015 23:41
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Everything that GreatJob said, especially the clinical feeling of the descriptions. It's like you're trying to avoid infodumping by injecting background info and context throughout (instead of a big terrible block of text infodump), but in doing that you get the clinical, disengaged feeling from the prose, like I'm watching this scene (which is no doubt intended to be incredibly intimate and emotional) on some nature documentary with the narrator spewing off a bunch of additional observations about how griffins hatch, what imprinting is, and whatnot, like "the lioness crouches and waits for her opportunity. In lion prides, the lionesses handle all the hunting blah blah blah". I'd much rather be spared the details of the protocol of griffin-hatching (for the time being) and just be in the character's head, experiencing what she's experiencing, because the griffin-rider bonding is the important part here, not the traditions and protocol she's so carefully adhering to. If you want to provoke more of an emotional response with this scene, you could try focusing on what's going on in Somarelle's head, her emotional state and all that stuff, rather than predominantly describing physical reactions (dropping jaw, shaking hands) that have happened in response to implied emotional experiences. Like, what does it truly feel like for her when this creature locks eyes with her and imprints? Also, refrain from inserting clinical factoids like "simulate the regurgitated offerings of its natural mother" in the middle of intimate scenes/character experiences because it jerks the reader out of the scene like nothing else. Another thing that kind of irked me is that I was completely unable to place this piece in a particular time period. I know it's fantasy and you can do whatever you want in terms of where your civilization is in terms of societal and technological advancement, and the excerpt you've posted doesn't get into the setting all that much because it's just one small scene, but still - drawing from convention and other mythical-beast-rider fantasy books I've read, I wanted to put it in sort of a vaguely late medieval/Renaissance period, but then I get clues to the contrary, such as a sweltering room that lacks a visible heat source (is it magic? Forced air?), and contemporary-sounding terms like "incubator room", "formula bottle" and also that reference to a warm bottle of water (bottling regular drinking water wasn't really a thing until the 19th century, so it seems like an odd comparison device for the character/narrator to use if the story is NOT in a more modern setting (is it?), and if you're talking about a hot water bottle, the modern version of those didn't come about until the early 20th century). Maybe it's just be because I'm a giant nerdy stickler about stuff like this, but I'd recommend being mindful about aligning your terminology and descriptions/comparisons with what would be appropriate for your fantasy world so you don't have a story littered with jarring anachronisms (it can still happen in fantasy). Oh, and another thing - you describe the griffin chick as being part plucked chicken and part hairless cat. However, presuming you have traditional eagle+lion griffins, you might want to consider that eagle chicks come out of their eggs with a full covering of down (wet and ragged-looking initially, but fuzzy once dry) and that lion cubs pop out already furred (also initially wet and ragged-looking). So again, and again because I'm a giant nerd stickler, I found the description of the bald griffin chick kind of weird. On the issue of having a more conflict-heavy scenario than a formally trained and intended griffin rider receiving a griffin according to protocol and without incident would definitely be welcome. Unless, of course, Somarelle and her griffin get kidnapped by rebel forces/dragons/orcs and placed in a situation in which her pedigree/fancy training don't help her/put her at a disadvantage and then she has to figure out new ways to be an effective griffin rider warrior without the perks and privileges afforded to her in her old life. Or a scenario where Somarelle is part of an urchin street gang and breaks into the hatching facility to steal an egg to sell on the black market and then lo and behold, the griffin hatches and imprints on her. Or she's the servant to a lovely, inept noble girl who's to receive a griffin because of nepotism, and then the griffin hatches for the noble girl, doesn't like the noble girl, so noble girl hands off care and feeding to servant Somarelle, and griffin imprints to Somarelle instead. There are a ton of engaging, conflict-heavy starting points and routes you could take a mythical-beast/rider story, for sure.
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May 27, 2015 19:53
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quote:it was vital that there were no accidental imprints made on anyone else during the hatching process. WHY ISN'T THE STORY ABOUT THIS? at least one of your group better be an accidental imprint.
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May 27, 2015 22:25
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Dr. Kloctopussy posted:WHY ISN'T THE STORY ABOUT THIS? at least one of your group better be an accidental imprint. I should totally do that  Super late reply but thanks for the advice, everyone. Editing out the OP in case this thread slips into the archives, but I'm taking all advice to heart and am going to try and rewrite the scene with the writing less beep-boop about facts and more emotional. It's tough balancing exposition vomit and emotion, especially in a scene that's supposed to evoke powerful feelings like this one. Also the gryphon did have a coat of fur, it was just very thin and weird looking like one of those "hairless" breeds that sort of still has a coat of fur, but you can make out the gross skin underneath. I could describe it cuter though, like a newborn kitten.
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Jun 6, 2015 00:48
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