PYF terrible book: Freud molesting a thesaurus.

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SerialKilldeer: Apr 25, 2014

The Legend of Rah and the Muggles by Nancy Stouffer is an 80's children's book which would have lingered in (well-deserved) obscurity had the author not sued J. K. Rowling for allegedly ripping off the name "Muggles," among other dubious claims.

As for the book itself, it begins with a prologue (available on the author's official website)about a global nuclear war brought on by abuse of eminent domain laws. A nation called Aura gets nuked, causing it to be covered in a purple "cloud of radiation" that blocks out the sunlight (but not moonlight) and mutating the people left behind into hairless big-headed dwarves called Muggles.

quote:

The nuclear holocaust had blanketed the sky with dark, poisonous clouds of radiation. The sun disappeared behind the radiated eclipse just as Aura citizens fled their homeland. Beaten, tired, and nearly starving, they deserted the ruins, leaving behind the imprisoned "have-nots" who had taken refuge in caves after the bombing had begun. They were injured, and handicapped for many reasons. The unfortunate soul�s who were considered to be ethnically impure, too old, or simply undesirable for one reason or the other, were abandoned.
...
It is hard to imagine that anyone left behind on Aura could have survived, but they did. The power of the human spirit was never more vivid than it is now, nearly five hundred years later. Against all odds, a primitive generation of human beings would evolve. "Muggles", ancestors of the "have-nots", survived the devastation of the war, and still thrive on Aura. They have never experienced the warmth of sunlight, nor the beauty of an evening sky filled with glittering stars. Their world is lit only by moonlight shining through a purple haze left behind by nuclear warfare.

The rest of the book tells the story of two human boys from another continent, whose mother casts them adrift on a raft (with her jewelry box for some reason) when her own land is ravaged by war. After a pointless interlude with annoying talking sea creatures-- one of whom talks with a transcribed stammer, another with a stereotypical Brooklyn accent-- the boys are then found and raised by the Muggles, and somehow (yes, the text actually says "somehow") the jewels in the box absorb sunlight and illuminate Aura.

quote:

Like magic, the flowers burst into bloom, the tumbleweed shrubberies filled with bright green leaves, and orange honeysuckle blossoms dripped with nectar. The huge redwood branches spread out above them with a lush canopy of blue-green foliage. Squirrels stuck their heads out of knotholes up and down the sides of magnolia trees, abundant with huge pink and white blossoms. Large friendly-looking groundhogs with long fluffy hair, each with a mouth full of bucked teeth, squeezed their heads out of holes...Rabbits the size of large dogs hopped like kangaroos through the lush grass...Giant bees jutted from place to place in gardens filled with blooms the size of dinner plates, attached to stems four and five feet tall. Peacocks strutted from behind boulders with Muggles seated on their backs.

One of the kids, Rah, grows up all angelic and perfect, making his brother Zyn jealous. After more pointless interludes including more cutesy animals and lame attempts at comedy with hard-of-hearing oldsters, we finally get to the main plot, such as it is: Zyn runs away with some Muggles and hides in a radioactive tree, coming out only to play pranks (none of which are actually described in detail). We get some fairly graphic descriptions of their radiation sickness and also third-degree burns inflicted by hot tar:

quote:

The Manchineet Tree sheds radioactive pollen that has caused Zyn and the Nevils� [baddie Muggles] skin to blister and discolor. It made their nails thick and crusty, and the whites of their eyes yellow and bloodshot.
Zyn�s naturally curly, strawberry-blond hair that once hung just below his shoulders was falling out in clumps. His very long eyelashes no longer outline his emerald green eyes. He was ill, very ill, but he would have never swallowed his pride to ask anyone for help.
...
By the time the Nevils were finished, their tiny hands were blistered and burned. Their bodies were singed black from the heat of the rubbery tar. When nightfall arrived, their skin felt as though it was on fire � they leapt into the ocean waves where the soothing salt water cooled the heat of their second- and third-degree burns.

Yes, the narration switches from past to present tense and back again more or less at random.

The baddies then travel to a desolate island where they somehow survive for seven years with no food except grass which makes them sick. And Zyn and pals are afraid of their own shadows, which they call "shadow monsters." Meanwhile, Rah does nothing whatsoever to either help his brother or protect the Muggles from his mischief. Zyn returns to the mainland with the help of magical clam shells and kidnaps Rah, some of the Muggles go out to rescue him, and they finally defeat Zyn by bombing his island hideout with lanterns full of live fireflies so that he's constantly surrounded by "shadow monsters" even in the dead of night. This is how the book ends:

quote:

So, each time darkness falls upon the daylight, and you look up and see the stars twinkling in the distance, you will know that Rah is asleep, and all around him is at peace!

There are several detailed reviews of the book if you want to read more:
http://conjugalfelicity.com/rah-and-the-muggles/
http://impishidea.com/tag/The-Legend-Of-Rah-And-The-Muggles/
http://www.magespace.net/mugrev.html
http://zelda-queen.livejournal.com/29637.html

# ¿ Jul 3, 2015 16:51

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# ¿ May 3, 2024 10:23

SerialKilldeer: Apr 25, 2014

Piers Anthony's Virtual Mode, the first in a series of four books. It begins with the heroine cutting herself in a school bathroom and thinking about how all the blood will be mistaken for someone's period. Later she plays a party game called "Naked Endurance," wherein she cuts herself some more, while naked. I don't think this has any impact on the plot, but it's described in horrible detail. Then the other protagonist/love interest comes along; he's a dimension-hopping wizard. He hides out in the heroine's garden shed, using an old bucket as a toilet. When he has to return to his homeworld, the heroine cuts herself again, letting the blood fall into the bucket and mingling it with his poo poo. Oh, and the dimension-hopper is shocked and horrified by her immodest clothing-- on his planet, women all wear diapers to hide their "genital contours," but this girl wears tight jeans. This is mentioned about once a page, lest we forget.

The sequel, Fractal Mode I don't remember as well, but there was lots and lots of discussion of underwear. I think that people on one of the planets featured have different-colored undies that represent their social class, or something like that. There was also a weird attempted-rape scene where the victim escapes by magicking a deadly snake from her vagina (or someone else does that to save her).

I didn't read any farther than that; although the third book in the series had an interesting-sounding premise (alternate Earth where evolution diverged around the Cambrian era and different sentient creatures evolved) I was too disgusted with the first two to pick it up. Supposedly the fourth involves horse-on-human sex as well.

# ¿ Aug 31, 2015 16:26

SerialKilldeer: Apr 25, 2014

^^^Didn't see your post when I was typing this. Should I delete it?

The Incarnations of Immortality series had some pretty horrible stuff, too, especially the last one, And Eternity. Large chunks of it are basically a rape/pedophile apologist tract. There's a scene early on where a couple of young women are visiting some sort of goddess, and she transforms one of them into a man-- the transformed woman immediately rapes the other because she's just that lovely. Then the victim gets transformed too and rapes the other (now reverted to female) right back. The purpose of this exercise is to make them empathize with men, who according to Anthony are constantly struggling to avoid raping every (sexy) woman they see. Another subplot involves a 15-year-old prostitute and her relationship with a pedophile judge; he makes her dress up and act like a small child. This is portrayed as a perfectly healthy relationship for both of them.

Apparently the sequel to that book (Under a Velvet Cloak) was so awful that Anthony had to vanity publish it, and it's wall-to-wall rape including a sex battle between siblings.

# ¿ Aug 31, 2015 19:03

SerialKilldeer: Apr 25, 2014

He writes great female characters too!

quote:

WHITE GIRL: Friends and sex and parties and makeup!

Apparently Dragons Lexicon Triumvirate is Eng's idea of actually good writing. It really reads like he tried to cram as many "badass" creatures and pretentious science/philosophy references into the smallest possible space, without worrying about little things like coherence.

There's also a chapter-by-chapter review here: http://conjugalfelicity.com/dragons-lexicon-triumvirate/

Pick posted:

From the children's book Slugs.

I remember that from when I was a little kid! Scared the daylights out of me. I actually saw it just about a year ago, too, when my university library had a "banned books month" exhibit. Wonder why a book like that was banned...

# ¿ May 3, 2016 19:40

SerialKilldeer: Apr 25, 2014

Davros1 posted:

A potions book having belonged to "Tammi" instead of Snape would have been an interesting read.

I read about one Chinese Harry Potter knock off that started off with Dumbledore telling Harry an adventure he had when he was known as Gandalf, and the book then just proceeded to reprint The Hobbit.

"Leopard Walk Up To Dragon" used the same gimmick but with a more elaborate and much weirder introduction. Harry turns into a Hobbit and is teleported to Middle Earth. By a magic "sweet and sour rain." You can read a translation here:
http://www.young-0.com/excerpt

quote:

Harry did not know how long this bath would take, when he would finally scrub off that oily, sticky layer of cake icing. For someone who had grown into a cultured, polite young man, a layer of sticky filth really made him feel sick. He lay in the high quality porcelain tub ceaselessly wiping his face. In his thoughts there was nothing but Dudley's fat face, fat as his Aunt Petunia's fat rear end.

Harry was a 5th-year student at Hogwartz School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. At that heavenly amusement park his grades were the highest of all the students in his class. Because of this, when summer approached he was named the Head Student in his class. But for some reason Harry did not understand, Professor Dumbledore firmly insisted that his summer practice be at his aunt's house at 4 Privet Drive.

SerialKilldeer has a new favorite as of 20:46 on Jul 10, 2016

# ¿ Jul 10, 2016 20:38

SerialKilldeer: Apr 25, 2014

I just remembered a terrible "history" book I read a few years ago: Caligula: Divine Carnage by Stepehn Barber and Jeremy Reed. It's a collection of essays about various Roman emperors, plus one about the gladiator games, and the orgies, blood-sports, and general debauchery the Romans supposedly got up to all the time.

I don't have the book, but here are a couple of reviews I found and quotes from each:
http://www.branchfloridians.org/plebeian_scum.html

quote:

will be generous and say that 5% of this book is historically accurate. Indeed, that is probably what is most perplexing about this: given the vast wealth of dirt and absurdity that are amply documented about Rome�s nuttiest Emperor, it is a mystery why Barber and Reed would chose to go into uncharted territory and brazenly make up lurid bullshit. For historical accuracy, this book is more manure than McVeigh used to bomb the Oklahoma City fed building.

Examples of inaccuracy can be found on almost every page, ranging from minor to major. Minor example: Caligula�s last words, per Barber and Reed, were �testicles!�, when in reality they were �Strike again - I still live!� (spoken to his assassins.) Major Example: the cause of his sister Drucilla�s death. Barber and Reed would have us believe that she died from complications arising from a 8-day marathon of sodomy held with anybody willing to get in line for a poke. In reality, scholars are divided: Drucilla either died of hemorrhagic fever, or was killed while pregnant by Caligula himself (most likely the baby�s father!) in an effort to free the fetus in a personally-botched cesarean section.

Sometimes the authors aren�t even trying to pretend to be accurate, but brazenly make up bullshit on the fly. We get ample and vivid descriptions of Caligula at various Coliseum games, but in their ten seconds of research Barber and Reed seem to have overlooked that Caligula died in 41AD and the Coliseum wasn�t built until 80!

Indeed, the book offers up an entire chapter expos� on the great gladiatorial games that are flights of fancy undoubtedly used as an excuse to give lurid descriptions of the sex supposedly going on in the stands. When Barber and Reed finally remember that there was armed combat going on center stage, their descriptions are equally ludicrous. We are led to believe that it was common practice that a skilled gladiator could decapitate an opponent in one swoop, catch the body, and then maneuver it to write the Emperor�s name on the ground with the arterial spray. Of course, things just get silly (not that they weren�t already) when we �learn� that thousands of species became extinct from having been hunted and used in the great games, and this had such a traumatic impact on the ecosystem of north Africa that it shifted from being a lush jungle to the dry desert it is today.

http://consumedandjudged.blogspot.com/2012/02/caligula-divine-carnage-2001.html?view=classic

quote:

For the first twenty or so pages, Barber and Reed almost have you convinced. Sure, a lot of what they describe seems improbable. Maybe Tiberius forced everyone in the palace to kneel every morning before his �diseased, blackened sexual organ,� maybe he didn�t. And perhaps it's only slightly hyperbolic to say Caligula spent �the first months of his reign almost entirely in incestuous copulation with his sister, Drusilla��that depends on just how one defines �almost� and �entirely.� But then Barber and Reed go too far, writing that Rome�s �plebian scum� loved Caligula because:

�he was a visible presence in the filthy backstreets of Rome, often to be seen carried about in a litter with Drusilla by his side, energetically masturbating with one hand while distributing gold coins with the other; the plebian scum elbowed and crushed one another into the dust in order to simultaneously catch the imperial spurting semen in their mouths and the coins in their hands.

Now, this strikes me as highly improbable on any number of levels. That Caligula might enjoy a good wank while throwing coins out of his litter is plausible, I guess, but how long could one really sustain such a jerk �n� toss? I suppose it's possible that Caligula began each day by venturing forth into a filthy Roman alley to masturbate and distribute his coins, but after each dispensation, wouldn�t he need a few minutes to rest before moving on to the next filthy alley? I�m willing to concede that Caligula at 23 was probably extremely resilient and horny, but still, this seems like it would become a burden at a certain point. And what did he and Drusilla do while Caligula was in his refractory period? I'm sure what seemed like a great idea while they were back in the palace would become, at this point, rather boring and even awkward.

And then there is the question of the �plebian scum� angling to receive the �imperial spurting semen.� Now, again, no doubt Caligula at that point was a young man with a first rate prostate and impressive distance, but just how would one project semen from a litter (where one typically sits or reclines) to the waiting mouths of the plebian porno cast? I suppose Caligula might stand while he threw coins and masturbated, but then the litter would be in danger of overturning, unless of course Drusilla was doing same on the opposite side�which seems unlikely.

Another claim I remember, from the gladiator chapter: sometimes an artificial lake would be made in the coliseum, and gladiators would come out in boats to fight "naval battles." Maybe that much did happen (I'm no expert) but according to Barber and Reed, the most spectacular part of the show was at the end, when all the male spectators would jerk off and simultaneously ejaculate into the water.

Also, I recall there were maybe two primary source citations in the whole thing, and no citations of scholarly works except maybe a vague reference to "German researchers" or something like that.

SerialKilldeer has a new favorite as of 19:24 on Mar 30, 2017

# ¿ Mar 30, 2017 19:20

SerialKilldeer: Apr 25, 2014

Turns out my academic library has the Caligula book! I don't have the time-- or the actual knowledge of Roman history-- for a proper read-through with commentary, but here is that passage I mentioned remembering earlier to prove I didn't hallucinate it:

# ¿ Apr 1, 2017 21:38

SerialKilldeer: Apr 25, 2014

Speaking of "historical" romance, I just remembered this thing:
http://dearauthor.com/book-reviews/f-reviews/review-knight-moves-by-jamaica-layne/
"tis time for us to partake of Pleasure�s fruit again, milady. My codpiece has desired your lady-softness all day long."

# ¿ May 20, 2017 20:35

SerialKilldeer: Apr 25, 2014

Antivehicular posted:

I like how he seems to think picking your nose and eating it is a race-bound behavior, not a standard part of the Gross Person Arsenal. This dude has never been on public transport.

That confused me, too. Is "black people pick their noses" a stereotype I haven't heard of?

# ¿ Jul 15, 2017 23:28

SerialKilldeer: Apr 25, 2014

The Vosgian Beast posted:

Wasn't that a parody?

Eddie Dickens was neither a parody nor imitation of Harry Potter. More like a goofier knockoff of A Series of Unfortunate Events (which as previously mentioned doesn't have that much in common with HP), with lots of bad puns and authorial asides.

# ¿ Aug 24, 2017 02:34

SerialKilldeer: Apr 25, 2014

Sorry to interrupt the serious academic discussion, but I was following links from the Handbook for Mortals thread and came across something that might be of interest. It's a (n incomplete) chapter-by-chapter sporking of a book called Tiger's Curse by Colleen Houck: https://web.archive.org/web/20170327050103/http://chezapocalypse.com/category/readthrough-tigers-curse/page/2/
The book features an orphan girl who runs away from her annoying guardians to join the circus, and is immediately hired (despite her total lack of relevant knowledge or work experience) as a caretake for a white tiger. She feels a mysterious connection to the tiger, who smells like jasmine and sandalwood. Turns out, he's actually a 300-year-old Indian prince who was transmogrified by his enemies!

# ¿ Sep 10, 2017 21:10

SerialKilldeer: Apr 25, 2014

Pastry of the Year posted:

normies won't get these

When I was a kiddie I loved Jovial Bob's etiquette guide:
http://mcnallykids.tumblr.com/post/100666750901/52-fear-street-dont-stand-in-the-soup-nick

Also, if anyone's not aware of it, this Goosebumps blog is pretty fun:
http://www.bloggerbeware.com

# ¿ Oct 13, 2017 04:11

SerialKilldeer: Apr 25, 2014

Elohssa Gib posted:

I admit I used to love Xanth, I even submitted a couple puns in the hopes he would use them . However at work last night I was thinking of his other series that I remember liking more which was Incarnations of Immortality, and realized that they are still a bit hosed up. Specifically in the book about War he basically says that feminism is a plot from Satan and the main character gets rid of his fiance/wife? because she starts wearing pants and wanting to have her own life.

Ugh, you're dredging up my repressed memories of those books. I think the final(?) book has a scene where two women are turned into men and immediately try to rape each other, this being an empathy-building exercise given to them by a god or something so they can know how hard men have it trying not to rape women. There was also a pedophile judge who has child prostitutes dress in diapers for him, and one of his victims nominates him to take over the role of God because he's so good at heart.

# ¿ Oct 23, 2017 01:55

SerialKilldeer: Apr 25, 2014

Watts' story reminded me of Neal Breen's film Fateful Findings:
https://editorial.rottentomatoes.com/article/why-fateful-findings-deserves-cult-status/

quote:

Dylan is supposed to be writing a follow-up to his debut novel, but he�s got more important things to do. It seems he�s got a side gig as the world�s greatest hacker, using the many laptops littered around his office to hack into government and corporate files, and he�s discovered more incriminating information than any hacker in the history of the universe.

What kind of incriminating information? Fateful Findings doesn�t bother wasting its time specifying exactly what Dylan is doing as a whistleblower. He�s blowing the whistle! He�s delivering a lid-blower that�s blowing a lid off all the bad stuff the bad guys are doing, with the money and the lies and the corruption! Dylan�s revelations are so shocking and profound that when he announces them in a press conference (where he is hilariously and unconvincingly green-screened in front of a Washington, D.C. tableau), they compel all of the bad people who are doing the bad things to confess publicly, and then commit suicide in dramatic fashion as penance.

(Of course, to his credit, Watts actually thought about how to fix things beyond "kill the rich.")

SerialKilldeer has a new favorite as of 01:26 on Oct 25, 2017

# ¿ Oct 25, 2017 01:24

SerialKilldeer: Apr 25, 2014

Zamboni_Rodeo posted:

PYF terrible book: the main character started foot-loving his business partner's sister and now I guess I have nothing to read on the way home today.

I prefer "She could taste a nuanced ethical understanding of the patent system all over his body." (Including his armpits, I assume.)

# ¿ Nov 18, 2017 19:41

SerialKilldeer: Apr 25, 2014

I'm late to the Goosebumps party but I think the best/worst twist ending I remember was in Attack of the Jack-O-Lanterns.

On Halloween the protagonists, along with the school bullies, are being menaced by otherworldly humanoids with glowing pumpkin heads. They can detach their heads, and threaten to remove the other children's heads and replace them with pumpkins, while chanting "JOIN US" spookily.

But the twist is the pumpkin-heads are actually the protagonists' friends, who are space aliens, helping them get revenge on the bullies for a mean prank! And the protagonists knew this all along, and were just pretending to be scared! To the point of lying in their internal monologues. It was also implied that the pumpkin-heads were fattening up kids on candy in order to eat them, since there was something about fat kids disappearing the previous Halloween.

The Give Yourself Goosebumps books were also really crazy. I remember a lot had bad endings where you were turned into an inanimate object (such as a paper lantern, a gingerbread man, or a rosebush).

Also, The Chocolate Touch reminds me of a book I read as a kid called Chocolate Fever where a kid starts developing chocolate freckles after eating too much chocolate. It was more whimsical than scary, though.

# ¿ Feb 27, 2018 05:17

SerialKilldeer: Apr 25, 2014

Apparently these are from a writing guide and are not presented as "what not to do":

http://fierceawakening.tumblr.com/post/173655794130/dear-white-male-writers-do-not-do-this

# ¿ May 7, 2018 20:56

SerialKilldeer: Apr 25, 2014

Jerry Cotton posted:

Not really on-topic but reminded me of a friend of my sister's. We used to live on an island and when the friend found out the island had meese, they asked my sister "HOW DID THEY GET THERE?!?!??"

Meese can swim!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UFKoNuc4YAU

# ¿ Feb 13, 2020 18:10

SerialKilldeer: Apr 25, 2014

I didn't know that creepypasta was available in book form.

# ¿ Feb 24, 2020 12:37

SerialKilldeer: Apr 25, 2014

If I recall correctly, the Japanese one is literally named "magic place" (and it's not even a grammatical Japanese compound word). Maybe it's better that she didn't bother to name the last three.

# ¿ Mar 2, 2020 16:35

SerialKilldeer: Apr 25, 2014

Ghost Leviathan posted:

Actually would be interesting to see what people thought of famous stories at the time they were coming out. Probably a lot of startlingly familiar trends.

There's a book called Rotten Reviews and Rejections which quotes negative contemporary responses to books now considered classics.

# ¿ May 20, 2020 19:46

SerialKilldeer: Apr 25, 2014

https://twitter.com/jacobmercy/status/1331073896464859138

When I read the "armored coffin" line this is what I pictured:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WQ8tuAoyT14

# ¿ Nov 24, 2020 11:31

SerialKilldeer: Apr 25, 2014

Tenebrais posted:

Dante not having access to the right websites is the only reason none of the circles of hell involve being vored by a six-titted cow-woman

There is one that involves people merging with dragons and snake monsters plus lots of involuntary human-reptile shapeshifting and bodies melting like wax, and I'm pretty sure there are fetish webcomics about just that.

# ¿ Jan 22, 2021 20:25

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# ¿ May 3, 2024 10:23

SerialKilldeer: Apr 25, 2014

I'm pretty sure Wikipedia has seen extensive edit wars about just that, and other really long fanfics, on this page: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_longest_novels

Also, another list of interest to this thread:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_books_considered_the_worst

quote:

Worlds of Power: Metal Gear (Alexander Frost, 1990): a novelisation of the 1987 video game Metal Gear, it was described as possibly the worst book ever written by Den of Geek's Luke McKinney: "This must have been a secret plot by Nintendo of America to destroy any interest in reading which may have lurked within loyal players. And this book is so bad it might cause your brain to forget how to read in self-defense."[50]

quote:

Life in the Fast Lane: The Johnson Guide to Cars (Boris Johnson, 2007): a collection of Johnson's motoring columns written for GQ. Writing for The New European, Nick Holland called it "the worst motoring book ever written, possibly [�] the worst book ever written."[74] The book was criticised for "chauvinistic and racist comments."[75][76] Website Carkeys.co.uk called Johnson "the world�s worst car journalist."[77]

SerialKilldeer has a new favorite as of 16:28 on Feb 3, 2021

# ¿ Feb 3, 2021 16:06

The Something Awful Forums > Main > Post Your Favorite: Carefully Curated > PYF terrible book: Freud molesting a thesaurus.