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“Okay then,” Salaryman said as he began trodding toward the dilapidated warehouse. “You can also call me the guy who wants to party in your rear end.”
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Jul 20, 2015 19:07
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Salaryman kicked the hooker in her vulva so hard that she yelped like a puppy and bent forward. “Do you even know what OS/2 Warp is?” he shouted. Salaryman was really getting into it now, it being a coke-induced rage. His eyes were wide and his skin shined with sweat. “Every morning I log in and get some serious loving work done,” he shouted as he kicked her in the rear end. Thankfully Salaryman had tied her to a rusty iron girder with some old rubber-lined metal tubing, so she wasn't moving anywhere. “And it's all thanks to OS/2-loving-Warp!” Another kick, this time to her right thigh. He was so out of control that he wasn't even really aiming. The hooker was crying by now and she didn't catch most of his diatribe; what she did catch was incomprehensible to her. “Do you even understand how loving awesome its 32-bit transition was?!” he said as he slapped her across the face. Her tears were running the mascara from her eyes over her cheeks and drool hung from her mouth where he had tied filthy do-rag he'd found on the old shop floor. Another kick. She shouted and cried harder. “OS/2 was 32-bit three loving years before Windows” he screamed as he planted another poorly aimed dress-shoed foot into her left rear end-cheek. “Three loving years!!! What do you think about that?! Now an open-handed slap, hard, to her left tit. A welt appeared, red and stinging. “You probably run Windows, don't you? Like Windows Ninety-loving-Five, am I right?” He pushed her face up and grabbed her jaw. “Look at me when I'm loving talking to you, bitch!” he screamed in her face. She looked at him, her eyes glazed. She was somewhere far, far away from Salaryman's spitting, frothing anger. “Yeah, that's right,” Salaryman said. “You're a thirty-two-bit Windows whore,” She whimpered, which did nothing to abate Salaryman's furor. “Every time I boot my computer, I know I'm running the best loving non-Unix-like operating system in the whole god-damned world!” The hooker dizzily lifted her head. She was swaying in her bindings, spent and rubbery. Her bruises were starting to turn a garish purple. “Why… why are you doing this… to me?” she asked between sobs. “I have a lot of stress in my daily life. There's no 64-bit OS/2 kernel!!! But you wouldn't understand.” Salaryman said. “This is how I unwind.” With one last mighty effort, Salaryman backhanded the hooker, bashing her head into the girder. She hung limp, barely breathing. “So thanks for letting me snort coke out of your rear end in a top hat,” he said as he began putting his jacket back on. “I hope you had a contact high.”
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Jul 20, 2015 19:07
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this idea had the potential to be funny but you ruined it. i'm getting the feeling that "ruining things" is an intrinsic quality you have, madeupfred, if not the very core of your personality
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Jul 20, 2015 19:31
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atomicthumbs posted:this idea had the potential to be funny but you ruined it. i'm getting the feeling that "ruining things" is an intrinsic quality you have, madeupfred, if not the very core of your personality There were only two choice excerpts to Booting It Up With Celery Man, sad to say. Patrick Bateman the IT Specialist was the only funny part, other than the part where he dressed himself up as MC Hammer and danced to Push It To The Limit but that's not an excerpt that's an entire chapter. You can't ruin something that doesn't exist retard.
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Jul 20, 2015 19:51
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Jul 20, 2015 19:59
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Jul 20, 2015 20:36
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madeupfred posted:Patrick Bateman
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Jul 20, 2015 20:43
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Jul 20, 2015 21:02
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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UWKg_E3mWsw
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Jul 20, 2015 21:04
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salary man - 6 and a half foot tall
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Jul 20, 2015 21:05
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madeupfred, have you tried thinking of positive and nice things?
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Jul 20, 2015 21:19
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who changed the thread name
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Jul 21, 2015 00:20
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waitin for this
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Jul 21, 2015 01:21
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op you need to hurry up and kick up the 4d3d3d3
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Jul 21, 2015 02:40
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atomicthumbs posted:madeupfred, have you tried thinking of positive and nice things? why are you harshing his mellow dude
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Jul 21, 2015 02:44
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Jul 21, 2015 02:45
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https://www.facebook.com/antman/videos/1194755600551578/
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Jul 21, 2015 02:56
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huh. interesting.
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Jul 21, 2015 02:57
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atomicthumbs posted:madeupfred, have you tried thinking of positive and nice things? are you still mad about Meal Worm Dreamcast lmao
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Jul 21, 2015 04:03
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madeupfred posted:are you still mad about Meal Worm Dreamcast lmao j/w but why did you send the mealcast?
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Jul 21, 2015 04:05
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madeupfred posted:are you still mad about Meal Worm Dreamcast lmao i didn't partake in the yosmas in which that happened?? also didn't you stiff someone a gift after being allowed back in
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Jul 21, 2015 08:47
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Bloody posted:j/w but why did you send the mealcast? the dreamcast had a broken optical drive that i couldn't fix so i had a mostly empty dreamcast then i saw a bottle of bugs at the pet store.
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Jul 22, 2015 04:09
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madeupfred posted:the dreamcast had a broken optical drive that i couldn't fix so i had a mostly empty dreamcast then i saw a bottle of bugs at the pet store. serendipity strikes again!
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Jul 22, 2015 04:17
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madeupfred posted:the dreamcast had a broken optical drive that i couldn't fix so i had a mostly empty dreamcast then i saw a bottle of bugs at the pet store. 5
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Jul 22, 2015 04:25
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madeupfred posted:the dreamcast had a broken optical drive that i couldn't fix so i had a mostly empty dreamcast then i saw a bottle of bugs at the pet store. legendary
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Jul 22, 2015 04:48
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Jul 22, 2015 10:11
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Booting It Up With Salaryman is the inspiration for Paul Rudd's Computer, so I intentionally didn't mention the parts that are in the skit, because Tim and Eric did it much better.
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Jul 23, 2015 05:13
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madeupfred posted:the dreamcast had a broken optical drive that i couldn't fix so i had a mostly empty dreamcast then i saw a bottle of bugs at the pet store. outstanding i never knew a guy who complained about lack of opportunity, only about opportunities they failed to exploit. (cf: some drugs movie or some poo poo)
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Jul 23, 2015 05:32
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