Salmiakki posted:

poured the milk before the cereal, where are my arms

google THIS posted:

wish I had a gf so I could watch her spread pb&j on a tortilla once a month

TWIST FIST posted:

TWIST FIST posted:

Jimi Changa posted:

*put socks on first*

*stares stupidly at leggings for several minutes*

*the minutes turn to hours, the hours days, the days years, the years centuries*

POWERBALL posted:

Firefighter carrying me out of the burning house: What happened??
Me, smiling sheepishly: I washed my butt first

Salmiakki posted:

poured the milk before the cereal, where are my arms

Qwerinty posted:

deep in a bunker miles below the earth in an unknown area not shown on any map, there is a woman. food, water, everything she needs is supplied through a chute and recycled air/water scrubbing machines. it's a circular room, with hundreds of tiny led lights. if the country is wiped out in a surprise nuclear attack, the led in the direction of the aggressors will light up, and a claxon will sound. at this time, the woman is required to apply blush before foundation while facing the led.

Qwerinty posted:

deep in a bunker miles below the earth in an unknown area not shown on any map, there is a woman. food, water, everything she needs is supplied through a chute and recycled air/water scrubbing machines. it's a circular room, with hundreds of tiny led lights. if the country is wiped out in a surprise nuclear attack, the led in the direction of the aggressors will light up, and a claxon will sound. at this time, the woman is required to apply blush before foundation while facing the led.

Jimi Changa posted:

this is like all my nightmares at the same time

TWIST FIST posted:

she accidentally puts on her makeup before facing the light and stalin comes back from the dead

GODSPEED JOHN GLENN posted:

I put my tie and shoes on, then socks and underwear, then clothes, got in the shower, drove to work and went to sleep. nothing happened because this is what I normally do

GODSPEED JOHN GLENN posted:

I put my tie and shoes on, then socks and underwear, then clothes, got in the shower, drove to work and went to sleep. nothing happened because this is what I normally do

TWIST FIST posted:

godspeed john glenns only complaint is that he cant sleep, because the trumpets of judgement day keep waking him up

Jimi Changa posted:

*put socks on first*

*stares stupidly at leggings for several minutes*

*the minutes turn to hours, the hours days, the days years, the years centuries*

Wertjoe posted:

At a fine sandwich restaurant

Me: I'd like a pb and j
Waiter: what style?
Me: The Xylo please

*after explaining the xylo to the waiter*

Me: are you....did you die?

Jimi Changa posted:

I've been researching this phenomenon and apparently the first documented case occurred in 1979, when eating pudding before meat resulted in pink floyd

GODSPEED JOHN GLENN posted:

The first angel sounded, and there followed hail and fire mingled with blood, and they were cast upon the earth: and the third part of trees was burnt up, and all green grass was burnt up.

*tossing and turning*

And the second angel sounded, and as it were a great mountain burning with fire was cast into the sea: and the third part of the sea became blood

*flips pillow over to cold side*

And the third angel sounded, and there fell a great star from heaven, burning as it were a lamp, and it fell upon the third part of the rivers, and upon the fountains of waters

*covers feet with covers*

And the fourth angel sounded, and the third part of the sun was smitten, and the third part of the moon, and the third part of the stars; so as the third part of them was darkened, and the day shone not for a third part of it, and the night likewise.

*kicks covers off of feet*

When the fifth angel blew his trumpet, I saw a star that had fallen to earth from the sky. The star was given the key to the shaft of the bottomless pit.

*checks phone*

And the sixth angel sounded, and I heard a voice from the four horns of the golden altar which is before God, Saying to the sixth angel which had the trumpet, Loose the four angels which are bound in the great river Euphrates. And the four angels were loosed, which were prepared for an hour, and a day, and a month, and a year, for to slay the third part of men.

*gets up to pee*

But in the days of the voice of the seventh angel, when he shall begin to sound, the mystery of God should be finished, as he hath declared to his servants the prophets.

*just stares at the clock*

Thingyman posted:

just tear the bread up and mix it into the peanut butter

Jimi Changa posted:

xylo is gonna cream his jeans when he hears about this

gently caress. marry. t-rex posted:

He creams his jeans by putting the cream and jeans together in a mixer

gently caress. marry. t-rex posted:

He creams his jeans by putting the cream and jeans together in a mixer