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I am so glad TBeef is back. It's like we're getting the whole crew back together for the best NFL season ever! We need a new gangtag for Pats fans don't we? axeil fucked around with this message at 17:58 on Sep 13, 2015 |
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Sep 13, 2015 17:55
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Me after the last Bradford pick. Febreeze, please feel free to use it in your next comic if you need an Eagles fan.
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Sep 21, 2015 01:20
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This started as a post I made in aftermath and news/views but I think it's focused enough that it deserves to be made into a full-scale FART. Hope you guys like it. The Ride Isn't Over, or How I Learned to Quit Worrying and Love Chip Kelly's Wild Ride I love the Philadelphia Eagles. A lot. Probably more than is healthy. I once decorated a Christmas tree with nothing but Eagles ornaments. I was at the Lions/Eagles blizzard game and froze my rear end off. I will probably name my first-born son Donovan. And as a result of this, I tend to really, really overreact to wins and losses from my team. You may have missed it, but the Eagles shat their pants on national TV yesterday afternoon. I was obviously despondent. Here's a picture for proof: I was pissed, I was mad and I was convinced the Eagles were going to suck the rest of the year and everything was awful. And that all may very well be true. But you know what? It really sucks to actively hate your team like that. It's unpleasant and you're unfun to be around. I did a lot of thinking today and I don't want to be a fan like that. I know of a place where for a while all the fans got down on their teams all the time. It started as a joke but after a while it was almost impossible to genuinely enjoy your team. And that sucks. Football shouldn't be like that. Football should be fun. And football fans should be eternal optimists. So in light of that, I'm going to explain why everything isn't all that bad for the Eagles. And even if you're not an Eagles fan, this stuff applies to you too. Substitute your team in for the Eagles because I can guarantee that they too have a similar history. Part I - The Historical Argument A wise man once said "The Philadelphia Eagles are merely a series of booms and busts; the long run trend of the franchise is positive." That wise man was me. I said it, and I completely ripped off John Maynard Keynes in doing it. In light of that quote, I'm going to walk through some of the busts we Eagles fans have experienced and talk about how those turned into booms. 2003 In 2003 the Eagles were coming off an NFC Championship Game loss to the eventual Super Bowl Champion Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Fans thought things would be different but the Eagles disappointed and started the season 0-2. People were pissed. ESPN posted:In his worst game since his rookie season, McNabb completed just 18 of 46 passes for 186 yards, threw two interceptions -- one returned for a TD -- lost two fumbles, and heard loud boos for the first time since the day he was drafted. Eagles fans who attended the 1999 draft in New York wanted running back Ricky Williams and booed McNabb's selection with the No. 2 overall pick. Yikes! Guess that must have turned into some kind of lost season righ...  Oh. They went 12-4, were the #1 seed and made it to the NFC Championship game for the 2nd year in a row? Well...I bet there's another example! 2006 Ah yes, here we go. In 2006 the Eagles lost McNabb in Week 11 against the Titans and got blown out. They followed this up with another blow out to the Colts and were sitting 5-6 with games remaining against a tough Carolina team, all 3 of their divisional foes and the Falcons. And they didn't have McNabb! I bet they sucked and drafted in the top 10 right?  Oh. They won all 5 of those games, won a playoff game with a backup QB and were close to going to play the Bears in the NFC Championship Game. Um, well, okay. I bet there's another example right? 2008 Only 2 years later the Eagles were in even worse shape. After losing to the Giants and TYING the putrid Cincinnati Bengals, the Eagles get blown out 36-7 against the Ravens. McNabb gets benched at half time after going 8/18 for 59 yards and 2 picks. The only points they score come from a kickoff return. They are 5-5-1. And what did they do?  Oh yeah, they go 9-6-1 and are a play away from making the Super Bowl. Okay, look this is really cheating. Those were all Andy Reid teams. It's not fair to compare Chip Kelly to those teams, those teams had good defenses they could rely on. Yeah about that... 2013 The Eagles are in their first season under new head coach Chip Kelly and things do not look good. After scoring a combined 10 points against the Giants and Dallas (at home!) the Eagles are 3-5 and look absolutely dead in the water. Stop me if you can guess what's going to happen next.  Not only do they come back to win their division, but they're the 3 seed! Yes, they lose to the Saints, but this was the first time a rookie head coach had ever won his division, much less after being 2 games under .500 with only 8 games to go. So to recap, in the last 12 years the Eagles have looked completely terrible a total of 4 times. Their final record in those years? 41-22-1, good for a 64.1% winning percentage. That's insane. Did you honestly think they would come out looking that good, given that I picked years in which the team had absolutely horrible strings of play? The historical record of the Eagles indicates that 0-2 is far, far too early to panic given that a number of past teams have come back and been legitimate Super Bowl contenders, with all but one team winning the division and one team even earning the #1 seed in the NFC. Part II - A Tale of Two Games I'm going to post the offensive stats from 2 games. Hell, I'll even tell you that they're Eagles games. These are going to be two games where the offense was absolutely putrid and disgusting. Then I want you to tell me what each game was. GAME 1 PASSING 23/37, 224 yards, 1 TD, 2 INTs GAME 2 PASSING 21/43, 195 yards, 0 TD, 2 INTs GAME 1 RUSHING TOTAL 17 attempts, 8 yards, long run of 9 yards GAME 2 RUSHING TOTAL 12 attempts, 22 yards, long run of 5 yards Now that you've had some time to think about it, here are the answers. Game 1 is Dallas @ Philadelphia this season. Kind of obvious, since it's the whole reason I'm writing this, but humor me, okay? http://espn.go.com/nfl/boxscore?gameId=400791705 Game 2 is Philadelphia @ San Francisco in the 2014 season. http://espn.go.com/nfl/boxscore?gameId=400554315 This utterly shocked me. I remember the Eagles looking pretty good, if a bit out of sorts in that Niners game, but the truth is that no, they were really bad. At least on offense. And that leads me to my next point, if the Eagles special teams or defense scores a single touchdown in the game against the Cowboys people would not be losing their minds right now. Look at those stat lines! Nick Foles actually had a worse game than Sam Bradford did and no one was calling for mass executions at the NovaCare Complex. And what did we do after that game? Oh, right, we beat the Rams and got our first shutdown in over 2 decades against the Giants. True, we didn't make the playoffs, but we went 10-6 and honestly, I'm perfectly happy with a 10-6 record. Most of the time that's good enough for the playoffs, we just got unlucky. So in summary, -The season isn't over -The Eagles have had multiple years of terrible play and still made the playoffs -We had a game last year where the offense was even worse than yesterday and the world didn't end -R E L A X And as one final point for any non-Eagles fans reading this, this isn't just an Eagles phenomenon. The Colts started 0-2 last year, the Seahawks were 1-3, the Patriots got blown out by the Chiefs. Even really, really good teams can start out poorly. So don't despair just because Weeks 1 and 2 didn't go your way. axeil fucked around with this message at 03:48 on Sep 22, 2015 |
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Sep 22, 2015 03:45
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Febreeze posted:That is wonderful and should be a F.A.R.T. post Thanks Febreeze. I already PM'd it to Ehud.  Dunno if there's something else I have to do to post it on the site. Maybe I'll write up versions for more teams, because everyone should still be pretty happy. Even teams that have looked awful so far could end up being Super Bowl champs this year. 
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Sep 22, 2015 03:59
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Metapod posted:I can assure you an afc south team won't win the super bowl Miracles Can HappenTM
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Sep 22, 2015 04:19
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I was inspired to FART by Chip Kelly's Wild Ride so I made a new avatar for myself. Thanks to whoever made that Frank Gore photoshop back during Frank Gore's time as an Eagle. axeil fucked around with this message at 04:30 on Sep 24, 2015 |
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Sep 24, 2015 04:22
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That's a good one. Who does these anyway?
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Sep 24, 2015 05:09
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Dango Bango posted:You should have added a whammy from the old Press Your Luck show in there just for effect. maybe i should've put all the fumbles and DeMarco Murray rushing attempts from the last game 
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Sep 24, 2015 05:22
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Ehud posted:Sorry I took forever on this. I just got back in town from a pretty stressful work trip. This post rules and I like it a lot. Thanks axeil! I hope you do more. I hope I do too. Thanks for putting it up! If Indy or Baltimore or someone else goes 0-3 I might write up another post directed at their fans.
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Sep 25, 2015 13:19
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WugLyfe posted:I was really looking forward to reading a drunken celebration about their first win this year If the Eagles win on Sunday I think I'll try and do a tribute celebration post for him. But it probably won't be as good. 
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Sep 25, 2015 15:09
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Chilichimp posted:Oh, there is a house in Philly, nrr would be proud
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Sep 25, 2015 15:51
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cucka posted:I covered this already, but hell with it, rip my music spirit animal. This was really good.
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Sep 27, 2015 16:21
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Ehud posted:Here is a real chat log of me trying to cancel NFL Sunday Ticket during the third quarter of today's thrashing by the Bills: That was hilarious. Please show us your new miami dolphins t shirt when you get it.
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Sep 28, 2015 01:19
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CzarStark posted:Man I hope you do Baltimore. People around here are freaking out and they'll still probably do better than .500 if any of their receivers that aren't named Steve Smith figure out how to catch. If I get some time this week I'll write up a "Don't freak out" cold take on the Ravens. I'll have to do some research though as I don't know them as well as my Eagles.
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Sep 28, 2015 01:26
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Magicpants posted:John Fox wishes he had a wild ride. John Fox's ride is more like the coin-operated kiddie horse in the parking lot of a supermarket, and you've just put all your change into it and your damned kid is still crying because when you press the start all it does is lurch forward and die, and you're trying to prove to him that you're worth a drat because you're 45 and divorced, haven't been laid in 2 years, stuck in a dead-end career, and your ex-wife got engaged this past weekend, and then you find yourself screaming at the stock boy who was unlucky enough to have walked past, and he's just standing there pimply-faced, stoned, and not giving a poo poo because you're just another afternoon he's trying to get through, until finally your kid starts begging you to go home, but you're not about to give up on your $2.50 because you had to reach all the way under your carseat for that last dime and you're pretty sure you pulled something, so instead you decide to throw a haymaker at this damned 16-year-old kid who doesn't give a poo poo about your life because you know catharsis is the only chance you have at happiness anymore and you can feel the weight of your broken dreams collapsing against your lungs, and you barely even connect but all of a sudden you're surrounded by well-to-do shoppers, and then your ex-wife has to bail you out of jail, and you don't even hear her complain because you've been listening to that for the last 20 years of your miserable life and you already know you aren't gonna get to see your kid again anytime soon, although maybe that's not such a bad thing because you're not even sure if you love your kid, and then you're not even sure if you love anything anymore, and then one night after getting reamed out by your boss you go find that stupid loving kiddie horse and you torch it with a half gallon of gas because that poo poo's expensive and a lighter because you couldn't ignite it with a lit cigarette after four tries, and you just watch it burn while coughing trying to smoke these drat cigarettes even though you quit 10 years ago, drinking some JD's straight outta the bottle and even that just doesn't do it anymore, and then you live out the rest of your life without knowing what it's like to enjoy anything, and on your deathbed your kid is the only one that comes to see you and you can tell he doesn't really want to be there, and you want to say something, anything to him to prove it all meant something, but you just can't, and deep-down you know it was futile, and he leaves, and you die alone. Actually given the state of the Eagles that might actually be the final outcome of chip Kelly's wild ride.
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Oct 4, 2015 22:22
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Haha Febreeze, the Eagles fan you drew for your Chip Kelly's Wild Ride comic looks almost exactly like me. So thanks Also continue trolling Pats fans on Twitter because yesterday was hilarious. axeil fucked around with this message at 14:10 on Dec 8, 2015 |
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Dec 8, 2015 14:03
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Febreeze posted:It actually is a goon. I don't know if he posts or lurks here anymore but the only Eagles fan I ever got a picture from was a guy going by "Quiet feet" Oh god does this mean all us Eagles fans are the same? Has the Wild Ride turned us into a hive consciousness?  I'll PM you a picture of myself that you can use in the future...it'll even be from when I was at an Eagles game!
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Dec 8, 2015 19:25
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Febreeze as a guy who likes history I love the reference to a great historical cartoon in today's comic.
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Dec 12, 2015 22:26
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Febreeze posted:Yay someone got it, I was worried it would be too obscure even though that image always stuck with me The whole story is nuts. Some guy gets SO MAD about a Senator saying that slavery was threatening to take hold in Kansas due to militia activity that he ambushes the guy and beats him near to death with a cane. And the guy who did the ambushing was a sitting member of Congress! https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bleeding_Kansas quote:Bleeding Kansas - Open Violence I mean, maybe comparing slavery to raping a virgin is a bit far, but nearly killing a man because he insulted your uncle just proved his point about the dangers of Slave Power. And now we have all learned a little bit of history thanks to our love of FARTing. edit: And as a follow up, after this John Brown and a gang hacked five people to death with broadswords. The 1800s were crazy. quote:The violence continued to increase. Ohioan abolitionist Brown led his sons and other followers to plan the murder of settlers who spoke in favor of slavery. At a proslavery settlement at Pottawatomie Creek on the night of May 24, the group seized five pro-slavery men from their homes and hacked them to death with broadswords. Brown and his men escaped and began plotting a full-scale slave insurrection to take place at Harpers Ferry, Virginia, with financial support from Boston abolitionists.[11] axeil fucked around with this message at 05:27 on Dec 13, 2015 |
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Dec 13, 2015 05:21
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Pops Mgee posted:I don't know if this counts as a fart, but I just finished this because I am one of those weirdos that wears elaborate obnoxious stuff to games. if you get on tv you have to share pictures with us
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Dec 15, 2015 01:36
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Febreeze posted:My editor told me I got 1 million views in less than 5 hours Holy poo poo  Congrats man.
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Dec 17, 2015 20:24
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my apartment smells like gin right now because of the christmas party i had last night. it was very gin-y.
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Dec 20, 2015 20:15
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AFC South has to be my favorite. Or that you included Russel Wilson's snake oil.
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Dec 25, 2015 00:08
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so uh. i need a new avatar now. any ideas? i was thinking howie roseman pulling a red wedding on chip kelly. or something else hilarious, i dunno.
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Dec 30, 2015 05:50
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Metapod posted:This in a Star Wars intro I don't think I can do the whole thing but this is A Good Idea Spoeank posted:Something possessed me to do this so maybe it can get you started This too
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Dec 30, 2015 17:09
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