loquacius posted:

"Your own personal cheeses" is a better pun on "your own personal Jesus", yes, but personal pizzas are an actual thing while I seriously doubt the pizzeria is actually making each customer their own private blend of cheese.

treasure bear posted:

president trump will take rocks and dirt from the rest of the world and use them to make america bigger

treasure bear posted:

president trump in scandalous text message to me: "it will be the good dirt, not the bad dirt (islam sand)"

Bertrand Hustle posted:

Xun posted:

What was that quote where a goon tried to hide his boner by crawling out of the room meowing?

Wtf???

rahum posted:

Recently I found I was not the only one.

Long ago, when I would be making out with a lady, I would get a boner, and for whatever reason, I thought she might be upset about that (I don't know why). So when we were finished with kissing, I would have to leave the room "clever" so she woudlent see it.

What I would do was crawl away on all fours pretending to be a cat. I would even go as far as saying "meow" as I crawled around the corner to fix myself before I went upstairs.....

Another friend of mine apparently use to pretend he was a monkey while jumped around until he was clear out of the room.

Anyone else?

Smythe posted:

lol ya, it would suck to get to be sucked and hosed by a cool bro who can get good headshots, doesnt talk like a bitch and like fail bitch poo poo like ballet, and is horny as hell like a man. lol, yea, that wuld suck. -said nobody ever. like, imagine being gay and like you could be lanning with a freakin pro rear end gamer whos good as hell, then eat some mega brats and beers, pump iron, and then gently caress unttil your both devoid of cum with no reservations. that would own. instead i have to put up with women, lmfao. WOW. is it worth going to the ballet and eating vegan cruelty free salads just to get titty hosed by a hot little whore from new york? is it worth listening to their small vocal chords make high pitch wailing sounds as they count your money theyve spent on jewelry and neimen marcus hand bags or whatever just so you can look up their skirt as you walk up the stairs and then lift their tiny body onto the dining room table and pound them for 2 mintues and 30 seconds until you halfheartedly cum out of a semi flaccid dick? is it worth it to toelrate their low IQ derived from their small cranium and idiotic opinions just so you can push rope, close your eyes, and imagine you're actyally getting railed up the rear end by the dota heroin Queen of Pain? not sure pal. im not even sure anymore.

Smythe posted:

sometimes i like to imagine im just laying in my bed reading a magazine and i hear a footstep. im like hello? whos there? and i sit up and look thru the doorway and think i see a purple guy but then whoosh hes gone. i think hmm well guess it was nothing.. just the wind. then hes next to me "and it faceless void - Dark portents ahead" he coyly quips. before i can react hes cast chronosphere on me and im frozen still. he saunters up to me, hhis hammerhead-head bobbing sexily, his perfectly toned purple body flexing, his sinew stretching like leather. he flattens me out like an ironing board. "time to meet, mace to face" and his huge purple cock slips out from the side of his loin cloth. needless to say im taking hits to the face and loving it. he procs a bash and it does double damage, my teeth shatter and my nose is broken. finally he rolls me over like a log and opens my schincter like the goatman and timelocks it in place. hes pumping into my cavernous rear end in a top hat. hes popped his mask of madness and hes loving me harder and faster. mailstrom procs and shoots lightning through my body. he cums just as the chronofield expires. im badly beaten, broken face, my hair singed from repeated electrocution. "You lose face...and life." just when i think hes done... a green swirl pulses over his body. he grins "We all owe a life to the fates."

Karate Bastard posted:

Could use some context mang

echinopsis posted:

sat night my wife watched me passionately dry hump her best friend on my lounge floor three times

i look back an I still can't believe how it ended up happening. it was good though she was hot as hell. probably would have been cooler if we had actual sex and my wife kept saying "it's ok with me if you have sex" to her friend and by that she meant "have sex" but her friend has boundaries and I can respect that and I'm not complaining but it was a weird situation idk why her friend was into it actually.

echinopsis posted:

it would have been better but I got indigestion towards the end, because until my wife told me they were both going back to our palce, I just assumed I was home alone all night, and had eaten too much fried rice

echinopsis posted:

I'll tell u what though son it was some of the best dry humping u ever seen


earlier on as I was catching the sexy vibe (before dry humping was on the menu) I had gone and taken my underwear off, so then when we start at first I couldnt just take my jeans off coz them I would be cock loose, but I said this and by round three I had put underwear ON which ironically made for better dry humping coz I could take my jeans off.

echinopsis posted:

wife was just watching. honestly I think it was hotter for her than for me. fuckin lomarf

Trig Discipline posted:

Guess again!

I'm not sure why yospos is being treated to The Sexual Awakening of Echinopsis: The Serial, but I'm generally in favor of it.

echinopsis posted:

when I was in intermediate, maybe americans call it middle school? puberty age school for two years?

my nickname was "stiff", because I was "that guy", who talked no stop about masturbating, and dicks and I have a memory of asking a guy if he would swim in a pool of pussy juice. we were like 11 or 12. if you ever wonder what your 11 or 12 year old is talking about.. never forget there is a guy like me at school talking about that kind of poo poo

Al! posted:

i already know how the 9th film will end. black storm trooper and Luke 2 will flee the galaxy from uh let's say deadly force storms. they will find themselves at a strangely familiar spiral armed galaxy. as the last monologue is delivered by Luke 2 we see flashes of humanity: pyramids, wind farms, wheat, smiling Chinese babies etc. then cut to everyone looking out the window at a small blue planet. it's earth! cut to black as the last line is delivered "finally a place where we can start over and be safe from all these Star Wars..."

reddit posted:

Furthermore theymos said once the hidden scores in /r/bitcoin were a temporilary measure.

FMguru posted:

"temporilary" is the opposite of "foreverial"

Glorgnole posted:

I got my dad rgb mars for Christmas

DOWN JACKET FETISH posted:

cmyk Mars was a bit richer, imo

wiffle ball bat posted:

*cracks knuckles* time to bust out the anecdotes


my ex gf left me for a dude she's been in a stable "polyamorous" relationship with for almost a decade. they're both hot and they both like to gently caress hot chicks so they party all the time and gently caress lots of hot chicks together. they're both happy. im happy for them. im way too weird and uptight to play with something as volatile as that but they seem to have whatever weird alchemy it is people require to live lives of a porny kind.

Nude Bog Lurker posted:

i'm imagining two pieces of poo poo-coloured playdough mushed together into a ball rolling over other lovely pieces of playdough

echinopsis posted:

my wife and i have been "playing tinder" and omg its such a different game. she has to ruthlessly swipe no or else she almost always gets a match whereas I have to swipe yes on virtually everyone but the least desirable humans in order to get a few matches.

its a numbers game, its a game of tower defence. its like fuckin half life two mate

Super Waffle posted:

Abu bhraised

Lonos Oboe posted:

This is my from the hip take on the Vader dick discussion: I think he has no balls but has a mighty dick. He has the power, but lacks the will and drive needed to do anything with it and gets no enjoyment. i am sure that in a specific irony his dick is totally unmarked except for maybe a single scar. (I have scoured wookieepedia for proof, but an artist on the Clone Wars cartoon series' DA page backs me up on this.) He likely installed a prostate massager into his meditation suite. Which is symbolic of the Emperor's control over him. Luke and Leia are his symbolic balls that he needs to have the power to conquer the galaxy and bring balance to the force. Once he has his children acting as his symbolic balls, only then will balance be brought.

The twin death stars belonging to the Emperor were built at the same time and either suggest the Emperor is not swinging a full bag or that he just really likes dudes balls. But now is neither the time nor the place for such speculation. An interesting sidebar is the fleet's collection of gigantic Star Destroyers with tiny balls on their bridge. Again signifying the power but lack of conviction.

As for the rebels.... well, I don't need to state the obvious do I?

YA BOY ETHAN COUCH posted:

can't wait for newer more futuristic ways to janitor my rig

*gestures in the air wildly like in minority report, but the gesture does something mundane like defrag the disc, which is quantum*

Josef K. Sourdust posted:

Cervantes’s invented fictions may have been preceded by a canto of Petrarch, which refers to numerous writings by a monk called “Fishmech”, who inhabited San Qualcosa de Terribile monastery, Mantua. He was famed for his vast production and for an overtone of sardonic superiority to his scrolls, an approach which alienated his fellow monks, who might otherwise have been favourably disposed towards him. He was apparently expelled from the monastery a number of times but returned under different names. Petrarch describes the writings of Fishmech as containing some technically correct aspects yet intended to confuse the debate and place the writer at an apparent (yet illusory) advantage over his fellow scribes. Petrarch calls his writing brilliant yet essentially worthless and that these writings baffled readers. Furthermore, Fishmech was known to write on any subject known to mankind and that he perfected the ability to seem conversant on the most arcane of subjects while not actually knowing any more than his readers.

Petrarch coined the adjective “Fishmechean” (“Piscamachinaeani”), which roughly translates as “ever-present, dazzling and always to some degree incorrect”. The word is a dialect term now used only in Mantua.

No scrolls attributed to Fishmech survive, though they may yet exist under his numerous aliases. Scholars have been working on a concordance of the monastery’s most passive-aggressive scrolls and fragments of the most quibbling nature in an attempt to piece together the writings of this alleged scribe Fishmech. Other scholars have suggested that Petrarch was engaging in a kind of proto-postmodern metafiction and that Fishmech was indeed no more than an elaborate spoof of the most dedicated but sour monk who enjoyed moments of superiority yet endured long periods as a mocked outcast.

Travis343 posted:

Blue Story

Travis343 posted:

The thread did a little tour of the forums which didn't really amount to much, Blue Story re-regged and had been diagnosed with gestational diabetes and then had a 2 month premature baby. Baby is currently living in a tube at the hospital and BS is back at work eating Atkins tv dinners and microwaved eggs instead of Taco Bell three times a day.

I dont think she's mentioned what her husband is doing during all of this but apparently he did bother to witness the birth at all which is pretty surprising given that thread.

Smythe posted:

just because i don't have a gun doesn't mean im unarmed. i have an array of deadly shuriken in my bottom drawer; and if you think that's a sharpie in my shirt pocket? think again. i can kill you loving instantly with my kubotan. don't doubt my training. i know 2 things: javascript and killing.

Dr. Gitmo Moneyson posted:

I thought Skylark was a woman.

Dr. Gitmo Moneyson posted:

That last one is a tiny plesiosaur. Big difference.

Faux-rear end Nonsense posted:

awkwerd paws posted:

sup, CRIP EATIN BREAD here, i saw your profile and i have to say i think youre really gorgeous. i also enjoy %504 data fetch error% . i could stare into your Enjoys books, parties, and drinks with friends eyes all day. maybe we can meet up local for a coffee in %504 data feCLOSING
PROGRAM terminal function in /getcurvystupidgirlstosexme.exe ███▓▓▓▒▒▒▒▒ /getcurvystupidgirlstosexme.exe must be restarted to perform any further action

unpacked robinhood posted:

Dr. Honked posted:

v for velveeta

EorayMel posted:

I don't think kids like bitcoin

Feinne posted:

only adults with the minds of kids

Sweevo posted:

only adults with their minds on kids

Sagebrush posted:

Manley Power was the name of a british admiral

A Pinball Wizard posted:

can you imagine the pressure to pick the right babby name if ur name is power though

like get it right and you babby is fast tracked to success. get it wrong and he's a redtube self produced artist

Grandmother of Five posted:

e/n is like a spirit world that you can visit on line but instead of the screaming souls of the damned flying past you, confessing their sins & unconsciously+futilely attempting to convey their warning to us, the living, about the frailty of life and the importance of living it fully; it is a big fat man sitting in a folding chair in front of his computer achieving the same effect by typing "managed to talk to someone today" on his key board

Smythe posted:

theres a whole block near my apartment of hair salon, armenian clothing store, and barren liquor store that have been there for years and ive never seen anyone in any of the stores who doesnt 'work' there. must be some sort of front. when i moved in, there was a pizza shop across the street that had a guy working there who would read the paper all day and served no pizza. you could order it, and hed put a tombstone in the oven. it was pretty epic.

Sagebrush posted:

i went to an italian restaurant like that once. just hungry and it was there, walked in, zero customers, a couple of guys at the back, lady at the counter, tons of empty tables. we sat down and ordered and they made the food and brought it out, very home style, not fancy but still hearty. like eating in someone's living room. really good service, they kept coming by, but clearly not something they did every day b/c they seemed unpracticed at it.

about halfway through the meal i realized holy poo poo, i'm literally eating in a mob restaurant. this place does not exist to serve food. and it was a real weird feeling

Smythe posted:

the old "tv repair shop" with an old armenian dude who chain smoked epically huge stogies nonstop and had a nonstop train of black escalades and mercedes and poo poo pulling up and swaggering in to chat with the "tv repair man" moved out a few months ago and a head shop replaced it with a new guy and they sell some p deece stoges for low price and also take credit whcih is ftw cept they charge me 75 cents to use credit. whcih is bull poo poo. fuckers. overall a much better front business b/c i can actually use it

Smythe posted:

it might sounds like im racist against armenians or whatever but im not. i just live among them. and i love them. their sexy women. raven haired bae... and their epic drinking and smoking. and their sexy women with big rear end + racks. FTW. good culture

Smythe posted:

one time they closed the street my apartment is on and i had to get escorted by the cops to get inside of it and there were choppers and poo poo everywhere and 999999 cop cars. so once i got inside i was watching the show right drinking some b33rs with my nieghbors (we live in a gringo fortress) and so wes watching and then the cops lead like 40 whores in their underwear out from the building. drat. all those years of next door whores and i never knew it. talk about a missed opportunity.

VanSandman posted:

Although I thought he was Nintendo Kid these days so who knows if that's the final boss of arguing on the internet or not.

Volume posted:

Sagebrush posted:

When I was a little kid I asked my dad where disco music came from. He said "grease", confusing two John Travolta movies, and I misunderstood it as "Greece". I thought about it for a bit: swarthy men, gold chains, seems to check out. So until I was in college I continued to believe that disco music was a popular Greek music style, maybe based on old Greek rhythms and musical sequences

Choco1980 posted:

http://www.sunmaid.com/

burexas.irom posted:

I expect I'll be feeling pretty stupid once you explain this one to me.

Stupid_Sexy_Flander posted:

tenant

little munchkin posted:

Deg posted:

coach: go long son i'll toss you this beautiful touchdown pass. longer, longer, keep going! you'll have to go deeper than that to catch a tuddy!
player: *realizes hes running across barnacle jims long rear end face and barfs*

Deg posted:

hey ref i think we got a first down can we get a measurement?
*referees bring jims face onto the field to measure the first down*

Deg posted:

aerial coverage for superbowl 50 is provided by goodyear *the goodyear blimb is shown flying in the sky except its actually, you guesed it, barnacle jims face*

Deg posted:

they are replacing the football with barnacle jims face lol

Deg posted:

the playing surface, which is 120 yards long, is barnacle jims face. its customary for the players to take a poo poo on the field after the game which will suck for barnacle jim because its his face

Deg posted:

cam newton scores a tuddy and spikes the ball (barnacle jims face) onto the football field (also jims face)

Deg posted:

corsair bought a 30 second super bowl add. in it he's driving a motorcycle across jims long face but because its only 30 seconds so they have to play it in fast motion