Booblord Zagats posted:

Applewhite's story reminded me


I used to work in a ghetto movie store. The owner didn't have much money and rental copies of movies were expensive, so he would have us download foreign dubs of movie and then reinstert the English over top. Problem is we had a simple kid there named Doug who always hosed it up, but the owner would never let us throw out a burned copy of anything, so we had a bunch of hosed up movies. We would also have a movie going on at the store at all times, and on Tuesdays and Fridays Doug got to pick the movies. So my Friday nights were often walking around sweeping the floor and checking inventory while Doug's version of Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon was playing that had all the dialogue, background music and even canned laughter from an entire season of Seinfeld, or Titanic overlayed with the best of Kramer. I protested to the owner a few times, but around the 4th he came clean.

Turns out Doug had been a normal kid until 3 or 4 years before when the owner had him working late one night putting up shelves for the movies. Everything was going fine as Doug would build them the owner would put the new movies in them. But one of the shelves collapsed and dumped a bunch of VHS copies of Ed O'Niel's movie "Dutch" all over Doug, giving him a traumatic brain injury. But the owner, he didn't have insurance so he just promised to Doug's family he'd keep him employed for the rest of his life for $25/hr so they wouldn't sue and he could afford to live on his own. Kinda hosed up, but there' some nobility to it.

From then on I treated Doug a little nicer than I had, felt bad for him. I would praise his Seinfeld-ized versions of Forrest Gump, Scent of a Woman, even his version of Sam Jackson's Shaft that featured a lot of dialogue from Kramer's lawyer Jackie. I just smiled and told him he did a good job. Then one night, as we were closing up Doug called me over to see his latest opus, Eyes Wide Shut. The whole thing was next level bizarre, even for Doug. All the sex scenes were just voiced by clips of Elain shouting and struggling, but he added the girls from Friends to it as well and what I could only assume were grunts and collisions from the previous week's Monday Night Football game. I don't remember specifics but I remember it having a Newman heavy plot. The whole time I'm watching it Doug is just smiling like the retard he had become that fateful night. I felt repulsion, laughter and sympathy at the same time as the movie continued on, and then as the credits rolled, I heard Doug making noise.

Doug made a hiccuping noise, it started slow, then sped up. The cantor was like a show-horse being made to gracefully and methodically speed up as it is presented to the judges. Finally I saw a tear and Doug let out a high pitched wailing noise. It wasn't sorrowful or .. The Son-of-a-bitch was laughing, he was laughing with tears of jubilation streaming down his face. In the proceeding moments, Doug would explain to me how he only got a concussion, but he hated the job and just wanted to make a lot of money while editing together his own fan-scripts for Seinfeld. The bastard had turned an entire video store in to his personal Deviant Art Fanfiction depository . He had faked being a simpleton and dived down the rabbit hole of erotic fiction. I would never trust a retard again