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foobardog
Apr 19, 2007

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I'm going to remain as close to my modern day views as possible, while skipping future knowledge.

You are kidding yourself if you think this Constitution power grab by the bougie Northern fucks from the aristocratic Southern fucks will not lead to trouble.

There is no place for slavery in a free society, and our domestic troubles are going to tear us apart sooner than the bastards in the UK.

There's no way to stop it, and if the slaveholders cannot move to a proper capitalist society, we'll be lagging behind in the new trends forever.

I'm aghast at the control the bougie fucks have, and once abolition comes we may be trading chattel slavery for wage slavery, but gently caress, people are suffering now.

Our colonies do not agree on basic rights and goals, and the Federalist project is doomed. I do not oppose it, for the hope it can see to the rights of all humans, but it cannot be compromised.

Adams/Jay. Washington may be a hero, but he'll just paper over the status quo and delay the necessary conversation.

I don't give a rat's rear end that we're not supposed to consider slavery now, it must end.

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foobardog
Apr 19, 2007

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Also this is a really cool idea for a thread!

foobardog
Apr 19, 2007

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Haze Thank Liberty posted:

that's my story, you people are going to get that middle class monarchy lover Adams elected!

Draft Thomas Paine!

foobardog
Apr 19, 2007

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It's going to be great when this thread continually elects Eugene Debs to be Premier for the Union of Socialist American States.

foobardog
Apr 19, 2007

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oystertoadfish posted:

My phone wants to capitalize and I think the true test of my ideals is that I'm too lazy to change the settings and stop it

shitposting ruined by the onslaught of technology. thanks, obama.

foobardog
Apr 19, 2007

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Slavery is my litmus test, so that drops pretty much everyone except Burr and Adams. France is exactly the type of revolution we need to support to overthrow this system of monarchies, and it's a pity the cringing "states rightists" in the Democratic-Republican party are the only ones who realize that. Adams's plan of public education sounds great and will get our workers ready for the new economy that will form as we remove all these drat monarchs from power.

I'd still rather see Thomas Paine up there, though. We need an American Robespierre.

Burr-Adams '92.

foobardog
Apr 19, 2007

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QuoProQuid posted:

You're going to love 1804 and 1808.

:smith:

To be honest, I'm used to this, in the actual real-life presidential elections I've voted in, the candidate I voted for has only won once. :obama:

foobardog
Apr 19, 2007

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Don't act all smug about the poo poo show in France, if we had supported them, perhaps the revolution would not have been perverted. We still need to support the moderates there over England. I bet the Crown had some meddling in it. We have yet to see democracy truly practiced in any country, even our own.

J. Adams saddens me that he cannot see the need to play the game and will fritter away the election to all these slaver aristocrats.

This moves Burr up to number one, and the other Adams seems appealing to me, even with me being a free thinker. Brews a good beer, too.

Burr/S. Adams '96 Duelling and beer for everyone!

foobardog
Apr 19, 2007

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Jay is a close third for me, but gotta send the Federalists a message.

Now I'll retire to play the latest Rage Against the Loom composition on my harpsichord.

Also, I wonder when we'll actually vote for the real life winner.

foobardog
Apr 19, 2007

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unwantedplatypus posted:

Just a reminder that Aaron Burr had such a bitchfit over not getting the presidency that he went to the western frontier, made friends with a Spanish spy, and tried to get the west to secede from the union.

Also he shot and killed Hamilton the builder of our national economy

I've heard no such things! Probably just rumors from Hamilton being upset his own clause keeps him from being President. It hasn't happened yet!

foobardog
Apr 19, 2007

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cams posted:

what an honor it would be to be the only president to personally and publicly murder a man.

You'll get your chance with Andrew Jackson, who died with the regret that he hadn't killed more people.

foobardog
Apr 19, 2007

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Moktaro posted:

I propose a new law: All participants in a duel must down a tankard of ale beforehand, and you only get one shot. If both parties miss, clearly God didn't want either of you yet, so just laugh it off and go have some more beer!

My understanding is that this was normally the deal, and why they tended to use incredibly inaccurate pistols, or often just fire into the air. If they both missed, honor was met, and they went off on their way. There's some question whether Hamilton did this with Burr, while Burr didn't give any fucks and just shot at Hamilton.

In a famous duel, Andrew Jackson was shot by the other guy, missed his first shot, and in a breach of etiquette, reloaded and hit and killed with his second shot. Andrew Jackson was a stone-cold killer, and that's not hyperbole.

e: And because I can't stop talking about how insane Andrew Jackson is, his potential assassin had to be saved from Jackson when his shots didn't kill, and Jackson began wailing on him with his cane.

foobardog has issued a correction as of 22:34 on Nov 30, 2015

foobardog
Apr 19, 2007

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Why must this damned system always blow up in my face? Where is Paine with his Common Sense? We shall be returned to tribal society by the end of all this, the great Enlightenment of humanity as a sudden flash in the pan before we return to darkness.

Adams must be stopped. The republic was going to break anyway. I'd rather us be feuding states to be picked off by France and Britain than live to see us make the same mistakes of absolute power and nobility that Adams and Burr threatens.

Jay is the obvious choice, though even the support of the Alien and Sedition Acts is bad.

Pickney is too strong on slavery, so that leaves me hesitantly voting for Jefferson. His Agarian Republic pipe dream will be built on the backs of slaves, and destroyed by the capitalists, but at least there is a chance that with public participation reason can prevail.

Jay - Jefferson '00 for a Euphoric America.

foobardog
Apr 19, 2007

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karmicknight posted:

I would love the poo poo out of a "gently caress Andrew Jackson" musical.

I am from North Carolina originally, so there are three Presidents born there, arguably. Jackson is arguable, because he was born near the border, and claimed to be from the South Carolina side, but legend has it was the North Carolina side. The other two are Polk and Andrew Johnson. So yes, my state is responsible for some of the worst presidents. Of course, every last one of these bastards hosed off to Tennessee for their political careers, but still...

foobardog
Apr 19, 2007

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Jefferson is far too moderate on slavery than I like, but Pinckney is completely for it, so this choice isn't as hard as I thought it would be. I assume that he'll waffle on it, though. 1808's right around the corner, you slaver bastards! Additionally, with Pinckney being an ex-soldier, I'm sure he's salivating to massacre the natives to the west. These people were here before us, and it behooves us to work with them together, but the expansion westward could be a chance to flatten out society, if we don't let the lucky become the new aristocracy. Plus it's loving beautiful out here! gently caress Europe! This is the poo poo!

I foresee a future where my ancestors don't end up having to vote for some lousy Democrat just because the other option is so bad. We are perhaps working towards a more perfect nation.

foobardog
Apr 19, 2007

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RagnarokAngel posted:

It doesn't matter who you elect on slavery because that shits gonna ride around for another half a century anyway. The momentum from the south is just too powerful.

I could see the South freaking out if Adams had been the first president as this thread had done. The civil war would already be happening, probably in response to the Whiskey Rebellion, and we'd be living in Adams' monarchy.

Platystemon posted:

Gentlemen, I propose that that we adopt a method of “tagging” our publications so as to make them more visible to like‐minded patriots.

I suggest we use the index (☞) for this purpose.

☞gentlycaressthesouth

I concur! In celebration please examine this attatched lithograph of my quite fancy new pantaloons. ☞carpediem ☞macaroni ☞commonsense

foobardog has issued a correction as of 11:20 on Dec 16, 2015

foobardog
Apr 19, 2007

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Time precludes longer

The economy must eventually be placed in the hands of the people directly, and the state can make that possible through a central bank.

That said, slave economy is a house of cards.

We need a second American Revolution against our own state, rotten with slavers through the whip and slavers through debt.

Destroy the central bank, crash the economy, and then I'm sure we'll come to our senses. Yes, Accelerationism, knaves!

Least bad options, Clinton/Monroe.

foobardog has issued a correction as of 18:25 on Dec 26, 2015

foobardog
Apr 19, 2007

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Lord Cyrahzax posted:

I do like the Federalists, but I hate Britain far more. Let's show those tea-slurpers what for! Let's show them what American arms and resolve can do, show them that this is our continent!

Vive Madison and Vive la France!

This but, for Clinton. Have you seen these mewling loyalists in Canada? They deserve to be part of our strong American nation.

While I am generally in favor of peace, I now believe that the would be lords of America fear a standing army because it may become an army of the people, that will turn against them with enough power.

We will free the slaves, kill the slavers and lords and be equals! This is the glory and enlightenment of Man!

foobardog
Apr 19, 2007

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Satisfied with the outcome? Bah! We could have taken the snickering Canadians laughing about burning down the White House. The King could have been dragged out and shot! We just needed a surge and to not change horses in midstream.

Why should people who've been trapped here in slavery for generations be forced back to Africa?

Bah.

King/Ross.

foobardog
Apr 19, 2007

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inthesto posted:

There's some kind of bizarre but great irony in how the majority of this thread aligns with what is the more conservative (with respect to its current political environment) party, and I can't help but love it.

Monroe seems like a pretty okay Democractic-Republican, but as usual the Federalists have it more right anyway. King/Ross

liberal communist leftism leads to fascism, buy my book

foobardog
Apr 19, 2007

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Turns out we like political dynasties. Perhaps we're the real monarchists?

But yeah, Clinton seems the best here in this one party state.

foobardog
Apr 19, 2007

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Octatonic posted:

My secret plan coming to fruition, more like.

In Seattle, we have a popular retiring Representative, Jim McDermott. A Joe McDermott, whose father is Jim McDermott ran for city council and won. His father is a different Jim McDermott. Joe is now running for Rep. Jim's seat.

Basically, I'm 90% certain Joe is just coasting on the last name being the same as a popular other candidate. So this works!

We also had a John Adams running who claimed to be distantly related to the founder John Adams. Washington state politics is stupid sometimes.

foobardog
Apr 19, 2007

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TEAYCHES posted:

All my decisions are based on strengthening the bourgeois state and industrial capitalism as a necessary stage before implementing socialism. You can't seize the means of production if you don't have that first.

Same. It'd be good if we could skip that, but that's not possible through this government. We'd have better chance of kick starting the Civil War earlier and wresting the union away from the Bourgeoisie and Planter Aristocrats at the same time during the chaos.

e: Taft had the right idea. More pie for everyone!

foobardog
Apr 19, 2007

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Yeah, if there has been one thing I gathered from learning about these elections in more depth is that the absolute worst candidates on slavery were some of the best on actual democracy. It's interesting because I'm finally reading Coates's article on reparations (I'm slow, OK?), and he suggests that the existence of slavery was seen as a necessity for actual democracy. It reminds me a lot of that old Bob the Angry Flower comic where the citizens of Galt's Gulch are yelled at because they didn't remember to bring the necessary robots to do all the labor.

But anyway, back in ahistorical democratic socialist mode, Adams stands out clear here. Calhoun is terrible and I can only hope he is seriously marginalized as Vice President. For all of Jackson's legitimate acknowledgement of the bullshit the Northeastern elites and bankers are pulling, the blind spot and acceptance of slavery as a necessity makes it so much crocodile tears. The rest of these jokers don't even dignify a response.

foobardog
Apr 19, 2007

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If only Jackson did not over look non-white men.

JQA for ever.

foobardog
Apr 19, 2007

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Harold Stassen posted:

I haven't picked the winner once

Good choice of user name.

foobardog
Apr 19, 2007

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Holy poo poo, this election. :psyduck:

Jackson is Jackson. Can't really move to a better society without a more modern economy that isn't based on slave trade, the bank is better than the states handling monetary affairs, and he doesn't care about liberty at all. And he hates non-white people.

Clay is not bad as a moderate, honestly, but is completely untrustworthy on a "don't gently caress non-white people" platform.

Floyd sounds as good as you can get on slavery in this election, but is naive if he doesn't see the main push for nullification is to bolster slavery.

Wirt's not bad policy wise, and he's not about to drop into crazy freemason conspiracy theory territory, but definitely the party backing him will.

Eh, Wirt. Clay would probably be a more strategic choice in this election in real life, but I'm going with my heart.

foobardog
Apr 19, 2007

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You skipped over whatever 1832 Dr. House with his cane is saying there.

"I wonder how a few grains of Common Sense washed down with Boston Particular would do?"

Listen to House, dammit.

Though I assume that Jackson's plan is to just shoot her in the stomach and call it a day.

foobardog
Apr 19, 2007

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QuoProQuid posted:

I believe that is the Massachusetts upstart and Presidential aspirant Daniel Webster.

Why that man is such a good attorney, he could win a case against the Devil Himself!

foobardog
Apr 19, 2007

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The masons were protecting us from the furries all along!

foobardog
Apr 19, 2007

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Alfred P. Pseudonym posted:

Webster/Devil '36

Yeah, I'm not feeling too bad about voting for 1836 Hillary Clinton, honestly. Though the Whigs are showing that they are stupid as hell. It's pretty obvious they are just the party of no Jacksonians, which is a pretty strong platform, but ultimately going to prove weak.

gently caress the slavers, get money.

Also, if you vote for Johnson, you get a black First Child 167 years before real life!

foobardog
Apr 19, 2007

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The day of reckoning is upon us! We will free the slaves, win the upcoming civil war and create a new country truly committed to the rights of all men!

There is a businessman who has sold me a fine ewe, but has really impressed onto me the tragedy of Lovejoy's death.

Sic semper tyrannis!

BIRN
IT
DOWN

foobardog
Apr 19, 2007

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gently caress Polk in general, but I stand strongly for 54-40 and fight, because I want those furs and gold from the northern part of the Oregon Territory. The lands are beautiful, it seems a special and sacred place. I'd not have filthy Canadians mucking about up there, having their ways with our pigs. Then again, gently caress Texas, let them rot.

Clay is just middle-of-the-road bullshit. He believes in nothing except getting elected.

Birney is still the closest to my views, except he will not get us that sweet sweet land...

I come to the conclusion I must support the freedom of humanity over the pretty lands, and let the barbarous Canadians have their way. Four more years!

foobardog
Apr 19, 2007

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reignonyourparade posted:

Actually, given his apparent view that America should expand freedom to everywhere, Birn seems like the only option for full Oregon, no Texas.

Oh poo poo, I didn't notice that when I read the blurb, I was kind of distracted by his support for temperance (that is, alcohol prohibition). My politics are basically Get Drunk, Get High, Be Free, Be Excellent To Each Other... OR ELSE. So yes, I guess I am Ted "Theodore" Logan meets Donaka Mark.

foobardog
Apr 19, 2007

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Bip Roberts posted:

Vote Polk. Sign legislation that will outlaw Canada forever. Begin bombing in five minutes.

Are there even bombs yet? No planes. There are cannons, but not really rifling. Effective grenades don't really exist yet, dynamite and TNT haven't been developed yet. It also can't be done in 5 minutes! Man, War is Hell.

foobardog
Apr 19, 2007

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Actually, I think I figured out how to tie our decisions with the reset of the timeline. We're a dark cabal that makes its decisions and attempts to see that man elected, but... we're awful at actually doing it. The Keystone Kops of secret organizations.

foobardog
Apr 19, 2007

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Thump! posted:

Hey, we got Adams elected that one time! And his son, too! :argh:

I missed realizing we actually matched! So yeah, gentlemen, we need to find another Adams. Search the land for the golden child.

foobardog
Apr 19, 2007

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Corek posted:

Also being a "dark cabal" doesn't jive with our opinion on Freemasons.

We're against the Freemasons because they're doing what we're doing but winning! The worst!

foobardog
Apr 19, 2007

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Nebakenezzer posted:

Adlai Stephenson becomes the force of destiny he was always meant to be. I mean, the dude ruled, look what he was saying publicly in the 19 fuckin' 50s:



My favorite apocryphal quote to him:
"Senator, you have the vote of every thinking person!"
"That's not enough, madam, we need a majority!"

Completely 100% correct.

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foobardog
Apr 19, 2007

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You fools! Will we make the same mistakes we've always made as we've tried to lead this country? Yes, there is an Adams, but we all know that our forefathers rebelled from England to get away from these dynasties. Let the children define themselves. With that said, if we attack the peculiar institution head on, we will continue to fail due to the machinations of the freemasons. You say that Taylor believes in nothing, I say he believes more heartedly in loving the South than Van Buren who merely wishes to isolate them and hope they come to their mind.

Foolish! I know the people of the South, I have family in the South. They will be pigheaded and stubborn until Judgement Day, and even then throughout eternity. Men who dehumanize men through slavery are no men, and dehumanize themselves more. They only know through war and pain and bloodshed. They do not respond to reason.

Taylor/Fillmore '48

(This might actually be a competitive election among the Order of Goons.)

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