- ziasquinn
- Jan 1, 2006
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Fallen Rib
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Ah, a love poem. How adorable.
Why a rainbow? What is it about her that makes her a rainbow? What would be so amazing about being blind your entire life and looking at a rainbow? When I think of rainbows, I think of colors. I think of all those colors in the gray sky. Your poem doesn't have like any color. "Night-sky" is probably the one color I see. Maybe "dark beer" a bit but that's bit too vague. I think an image like a rainbow needs to come from something that's given us a lot of color. Have her BE a rainbow in the poem. Have her be that color in the gray sky. Make the reader think, unconsciously, that she is a rainbow. And then, when you get us to understand that, and we get to the end and you say "she's a rainbow" I'm like "hell yeah she is!" instead of "I guess?"
Jumping off this, you can make the rainbow color work but you gotta go way more concrete here: cobweb whites, stained yellows, bleached blacks, murky liquid skyline, muddled viscera, desiccated emerald, blah blah vomit
Even what I wrote is kinda poo poo because it isn't "attached" to anything which is the problem with rainbows too, they're kind ephemeral.
In a way, you need a specific perspective to see them, but this poem isn't delving into that category of insight
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Mar 14, 2016 22:00
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May 3, 2024 16:29
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- ziasquinn
- Jan 1, 2006
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Fallen Rib
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I've been needling away at this poem recently, it feels like it's missing something, another verse maybe, and perhaps there's other stuff I've missed:
Winter Grave (slight note, a sternburg is a cheap beer that's really common here)
Slick cold half melted ice rehardened
lines the cobblestones searching for an errant foot
to trap and topple the midnight walker
she slides
envisions an ignoble end
hand flung just in time to catch the frigid rail
palms half stick to rough new frost.
Straightened body reset weight she shifts to safety
Reflects on near misses
as gaze set down
the glittering banks of the river seized in place
She notes, half submerged the bodies
drowned christmas trees discarded in the dark
Corpses unsunk the crime revealed by frost
Rime shine frost set fresh on edges
revealing the reaching branches
That tangle together in desperate knots
Abandoned past their season
Bodies shedding with frost their only friend
She thinks on things abandoned after christmas
Finishes her Sternburg and sets the bottle down.
I wish I had better feedback but my gut instantly thinks that the repetition of "reflects on near misses" and "she thinks on things abandoned after Christmas" feels accidental and not deliberate. I also think the first instance (reflects on near misses) is a weaker line in the poem, too vague and improved on by the second iteration.
The more (maybe ironically) free-flowing lines are good, I think the juxtaposition of ice imagery and solid frozen landscape jives with the more stream of consciousness lines : say "Straightened body reset weight she shifts to safety"
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Apr 16, 2016 03:43
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- ziasquinn
- Jan 1, 2006
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Fallen Rib
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holy poo poo nice
this might make my project somewhat pointless
But still
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Sep 12, 2016 03:10
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Mar 14, 2016 22:00
