The Breakfast Sampler posted:

I can smell my own blood again. See the sign. "Must turn right?" I chop the turn signal hard, down- left. Correct. Snaps off. Finally. "Turn right? Must?"

I turn wrong. On a permanent left.

joke_explainer posted:

huge barbarian shoves the weakling lich over "whats the matter you big baby, going to cast a spell or something? liches get stitches haha" *stab*

PHIZ KALIFA posted:

Splatmaster posted:

You throw the creamer into the air and whatever lands into your coffee cup is the amount your coffee decided it wanted to have or you could use Fibbonacci's Sequence to determine the precise ratio of creamer to coffee molecules spiraling outward from the vortex created by stirring with your spoon but where's the fun in that?

blaise rascal posted:

At least it's so long that no one will read it

Kthulhu5000 posted:

gravy's totally legal, so I don't get why it would form a black market?

but as many would legitimately argue (and I would even grudgingly concede, despite my obvious gravy overload burnout) that the subpar gravy passing around on the street and at office potlucks should be a culinary crime to the nth degree.

man, let me tell you about potluckers. they're the worst gravy fiends, bringing in pots of the sloppiest and most water-cut brown poo poo you've ever seen every day, in all the office parks, schools, city buildings, and minor strip malls of this country. crushing up potato chips, slopping their swill all over the crumbs in a paper bowl, heating that poo poo up in the microwave, and then topping that hot mess with the generic brand ketchup ("catsup") and taco sauce packets they keep in a hoarded heap all over the place.

and then they eat that hot mess, smack their lips, and go about doing your taxes or writing some boring computer code or injecting records about your children's dental history into various government computer databases interlinked into some giant you don't know what the gently caress spider web of networks that might as well be the brains behind the whole goddamn operation for all you know and understand.

I have literally seen one scabby heroin junkie dissuade another from going to piss on a flaming potlucker who spilled hot gravy on his lap while driving, which made him veer into a gas line and ignite it. "gently caress him, man, he's a goddamn lucker!", I'm sure I heard the one say to the other as they both ran away. Or maybe it was "It's too dangerous, let's get help!", but I'm skeptical...

Anyhow, potluckers are craven as poo poo.

cda posted:

cda posted:
I never thought it could happen to me.
My pipes were clogged, the water couldn't come.
I called for help. They sent a plumber out.
To my surprise it was a woman! Tall,
and lean and limber. Wow. She knew just how
To turn her wrist to loosen nuts and soon
My pipes began to rumble, I could tell
That this was gonna be a gusher, so
While she was on her knees, working the wrench,
Pert tits straining her plumbers uniform,
I cried "watch out, this duct is gonna blow!"
She smiled and said "That's okay I'm a pro.
This job gets messy. That's my favorite part,"
Then winked, that's when my faucet spurted hot.
Six days of blocked up flow cleared out at once.
She made a satisfied small noise and stood.
I asked her what she charged. She licked her lips.
"Three hundred bucks, but this was fun, So it's on me."