quote:

Asterios: I'm gonna tell you guys about an actual experience I had with this Burlesque bullshit just last night. Okay?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Okay.

Asterios: So I'm in town because my best friend asked me to be the best man at his wedding. And I accepted, and I planned the perfect bachelor party. Okay? First off. It's Harry Potter themed.

Maddox: Alright. (skeptical) (laughs)

Asterios: It is a Harry Potter themed party. We're all…

Dick: Whose idea was that?

Asterios: Oh, my idea.

(Sound effect: Ding!!)

Dick: Okay.

Asterios: We're all dressed head to toe as wizards. All your favorite wizards. Ron Weasley, Neville Longbottom, Cedric Diggory…(Dick laughs)

Dick: Is this a real thing?!

Asterios: Maddox was there last night!

Maddox: I popped in!

Asterios: He saw it!

Maddox: I saw a bunch of wizards and I'm looking for Asterios, I'm like "Wow, I don't see anyone, I just see these wizards, and all of a sudden, Asterios comes up to me."

Asterios: I turn around and my big fat face is underneath the wizard hat. Hello!!!! Welcome to Gryffindor!! (booming wizard voice) (Maddox laughs)

Maddox: And they did not half-rear end this either.

Asterios: Nope!

Maddox: These were, like, expensive wizard costumes these guys were wearing to this Burlesque club.

Dick: So you were like Dobby.

Asterios: Yeah. The house elf. Exactly.

Maddox: (giggles) Yeah.

Dick: Alright.

Asterios: My plan, by the way, with the wizard costumes, was that the strippers would see the wizard costumes, think we were harmless, and want to go farther. (Maddox laughs) That was my plan with the wizard costumes. (laughing)

Maddox: Wow. See this stealth bomber! That's what Asterios is. He sneaks in…

Asterios: That's right. I'm a loving sniper.

Dick: Did they think you were hiding a bunch of money under these wizard outfits or what?

Asterios: (laughs) Well, one of them grabbed one of our wizard hats and rubbed it between her two legs for a while, so that was pretty cool.

Maddox: Oh, my…wow.

Dick: Alright. That sounds like the worst case scenario.

Asterios: And then put it back on one of our heads with her feet!

Dick: Got worse. I was mistaken.

Asterios: It was pretty good.

Maddox: What are you talking about? That sounds so cool!

Asterios: It was cool, Dick. It was cool for us to dress as wizards and go to a strip club.

Dick: Oh, wow. (scoffs) (Maddox giggles)

Asterios: So. Here's the schedule of events, okay? For my ultimate bachelor party day. 10 AM to 5 PM. Universal Studios. We rode the poo poo out of the movies. (Maddox giggles) All your favorites. The Mummy Returns, Shrek 4D. We went on em all!! (yells) 5 PM to 7 PM. Buca Di Beppo's. (Maddox laughs) We went to Buca Di Beppo's dressed as wizards and ate like kings. Then, on my schedule from 8 PM on, it says "Assorted Strip Clubs". (Maddox giggles)

Dick: 'Cause this was a 13-year-old's birthday party up until this point.