shit_that_didnt_happen.txt: I'm finding it very hard to immerse myself in the lie.

The Something Awful Forums > Main > Post Your Favorite: Carefully Curated > shit_that_didnt_happen.txt: I'm finding it very hard to immerse myself in the lie.

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oldpainless: Oct 30, 2009; This 📆 post brought to you by RAID💥: SHADOW LEGENDS👥.
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Fathis Munk posted:

Yes, that is definitely how blood transfusions work. Without a doubt.

Tbf children are very stupid

# ¿ Sep 8, 2016 17:04

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# ¿ May 22, 2024 15:17

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I have no idea what happened in that story

# ¿ Sep 14, 2016 02:20

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# ¿ Sep 28, 2016 16:38

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Teriyaki Hairpiece posted:

The vast majority of caring people do about sports is because they are betting money on them, legally or illegally. After that comes local pride. After that comes sports as a way to have fun go to a bar or gather with people, an excuse to do some drinking or eat some unhealthy food. Few people actually care because of the games themselves, and those people are weirdos.

Oh word?

# ¿ Oct 5, 2016 00:22

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Tunicate posted:

Owner Owning Up
Cafe | Denver, CO, USA | Awesome Workers, Bosses & Owners, Food & Drink

(My wife and I are at a work conference in Denver. On our way out of town, we stop at a little cafe to have an early lunch. The place is empty, and it seems like there is only one waitress and a cook in the whole place. The kitchen is open so you can watch the guy walking around. The waitress is pleasant and brings us our drinks promptly, and takes our orders.)

Wife: �I�ll have the [Burger] with fries.�

Me: �I�ll have the pastrami sandwich with fries.�

Waitress: �I�ll get that started for you. Anything else I can get you in the meantime?�

Us: �No, thanks.�

(As we wait, we can overhear the cook talking animatedly on the phone, though we can�t really tell what he is saying. He puts our order on the counter, lets the waitress know, takes off his apron, and walks out the back. The waitress brings us our food and everything looks all right. The waitress leaves and we start eating.)

Wife: �These fries are kinda overdone.�

Me: �They are pretty crispy��

(I dig around and see that the deeper I go, the more well done they are.)

Me: �Actually, these are burnt.�

(My wife digs into her pile to find the same is true.)

Me: �I don�t know? Is it worth sending them back? You know how much I hate making a scene or wasting food.�

Wife: �These are beyond �oops they are a little overdone.� They are so hard they are actually painful to eat, and taste terrible. Let�s just ask the waitress what she can do about it. We don�t have to yell at her; just be polite and ask what she can do about it.�

(I waive over the waitress.)

Me: �These fries are really kinda burnt. Is there something you can do about it?�

Waitress: *grabs a fry off my plate and examines it* �I�m so sorry, these are inedible. I�ll get another batch for you right away, and I�ll cook them myself.� *as she�s walking away she mumbles to herself* �I thought I heard him say something about �not too overdone; oh, well.� I should have known.�

(In record time the waitress has returned with lovely fries.)

Waitress: �Here you are. Again, sorry about that. We�re a little short today, and the cook is trying to handle too many things at once. But he should know better.�

Me: �No worries, I understand. Mistakes happen. Thank you for fixing the situation.�

Waitress: *goes into the back*

(We eat a while longer, and everything is pleasant until I get to the second half of my sandwich.)

Me: �What the hell? The second half of my sandwich is ham, wrapped in a single slice of pastrami so you can�t see it until you bite into it.�

Wife: �Seriously?�

Me: �Yeah, look��

Wife: �It�s a good thing you aren�t Jewish, or, you know, allergic to pork like me.�

Me: �I can�t believe they would do that� It still tastes good, so I�m going to eat it anyway, but I think I should talk to the waitress about it.�

Wife: �You should.�

Me: �I think I�ll wait till after we�re done and have paid. I don�t want to give the impression that I am looking for free food.�

(We finish eating, ask the waitress for the check, pay, get the receipt back, and have signed it.)

Me: *to waitress as she is clearing the table* �Can I talk to you about something quickly?�

Waitress: �Yeah, what�s up?�

Me: �I just wanted to give you some words to take back to the cook. If you run out of pastrami, let the customer know, and ask them if they are cool with a ham substitution, or if they�d rather have something else. If you burn the fries, own it and make a new batch before you send them out to��

Waitress: *cuts me off* �Did your sandwich have ham on it?�

Me: �Yes.�

Waitress: �Hang on one sec. I�m gonna grab the cook.�

(She calls over the cook who has recently re-entered the building.)

Owner/Cook: �Hey, I�m [Cook], the owner of [Cafe]. What can I do for you?�

Me: �Hi, [Cook]. I just wanted to give you a couple pieces of friendly advice. If you run out of pastrami, don�t sub ham without asking. It wasn�t a big deal for me, but my wife is allergic and it could have been a serious situation. If you burn fries, own it, and remake them before the customer sees it. If you get a reputation for trying to slip things in �unnoticed� and only fixing them if someone complains, you will go out of business. In a cafe, your food needs to speak for itself, and if you have to redo things all the time because of simple mistakes like burning the fries, you won�t last long. I�m not after anything; I ran my own business for years, and I just want to see other small business owners do well for themselves. And this wasn�t exactly a gold star for you. However�� *points to waitress* �She was your saving grace. Whatever you are paying her, she deserves a raise because she was on point during our whole visit. If she hadn�t been so polite and helpful, I might have just left and let you stumble along.�

Owner/Cook: *shocked look on his face* �I� I� You�re right. I�m sorry. You nailed it on every point. I ran out of pastrami, and didn�t feel I had time, so I fudged it. I burnt the fries but thought I might be able to get away with it, cause they weren�t black. Thank you for calling me on the carpet. I really appreciate you taking the time to say something polite and that you showed an interest in my business, not just your own lunch. [Waitress], their meal is on me.�

Me: �As I said, I�m not after anything in this situation. We both ate our food, and have already paid.�

Owner: �No, not good enough! [Waitress], go reverse the charge on the card!�

(She walks away.)

Owner: �I already pay her more than any of my other staff because she is the best. But you�re right, she probably deserves more.�

Me: �Well, why don�t we forget the reversal of charges and you can give the whole cost of the meal to her as a tip directly?�

(Before he can answer, the waitress returns with a reversal slip.)

Owner: �Too late. It�s on the house!�

(We chat with him for another ten minutes and enjoy it. As we stand to leave I pull the cost of the meal in cash out of my wallet and leave it under my water glass. As I walk out past the waitress:)

Me: �I left a little something on the table for you.�

Waitress: �Thank you so much for talking to the owner. I�ve never seen him react like that with anyone before. He usually gets upset!�

# ¿ Oct 7, 2016 18:01

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poptart_fairy posted:

While we're on the subject what's meant to be so brutal about Krav Maga? It's one of those things where I see a ton of people going on about how bad rear end it is, but very few saying anything about why it is.

Krav Maga, I was told by a guy who never shuts up about it, endorses no kind of honor system or anything so it teaches you to go for the balls or eyes or throat to end the fight quick. Also it tells you to attack first if you feel any threat so there's no calmly warning the dude like Ip Man, you just kick him the balls and run.

# ¿ Oct 17, 2016 13:50

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With how dangerous it is, why does anybody even fight anymore?

# ¿ Oct 17, 2016 22:04

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I laughed

# ¿ Oct 27, 2016 15:18

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小さなペニス Dojo

# ¿ Nov 10, 2016 16:56

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Elfgames posted:

those seats are loving dusty as all hell, also maybe those women snuck the cucumbers in to eat huh, people sneak snacks into theaters more often than masturbatory aids so occam's razor.

BUt then why aren't those ccumbers eaten at all

# ¿ Nov 11, 2016 14:25

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Young Adult Fantasy Fan

# ¿ Dec 1, 2016 06:01

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Trick question. There was no kid nor was there a dad. In fact there wasn't even a note.

# ¿ Dec 14, 2016 00:51

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kimbo305 posted:

I don't have a sister, so maybe I don't understand, but wouldn't it be pretty easy to judge how attractive your sister was, unclothed or not?

Trap sprung

# ¿ Dec 21, 2016 04:46

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"Let's go through all these studies showing no correlation between weight and health"

(Flips through book that is very obviously nothing but blank pages while making quizzical noises and staring wide eyed at patient and also shrugs confusedly like how Jon Stewart did all the time back on the daily show)

# ¿ Dec 27, 2016 22:34

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goose willis posted:

Also how the gently caress do you "sing" Lord of the Rings

The dwarves sang in one of them.

# ¿ Jan 3, 2017 03:34

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We don't NEED to but I also don't need to wipe my rear end after taking a huge poo poo

# ¿ Jan 4, 2017 03:12

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bean_shadow posted:

Not many kids exist that give a huge drat about pep rally's outside of "We get out of class", much less the whole school.

Reminds me of people who share memes about how schools need to still make kids recite the Pledge of Allegiance, when I never knew one kid who liked it. I thought it was a waste of time and I still do.

It amazes me how quickly people forget what they were like as children and how other kids acted.

I don't get the pledge thing either. The fact you decide to continue to live in and pay taxes to a country shows your devotion more than a pledge

# ¿ Jan 5, 2017 03:56

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What about saying "I saw Bobs johnson today?"

# ¿ Jan 20, 2017 20:38

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Garrand posted:

The gently caress is a "Chad"?

A male Libby

# ¿ Jan 21, 2017 05:57

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YA BOY ETHAN COUCH posted:

Sources report they were able to prove he was imagining sex with the individual because of his facial expression

# ¿ Feb 7, 2017 19:52

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Garrand posted:

I have no idea what this could be referring to. I can only think of Scooby Doo and that makes no sense as it is.

Use your imaginasian

# ¿ Feb 8, 2017 02:57

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It's like being an astronaut

# ¿ Feb 11, 2017 22:50

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YA BOY ETHAN COUCH posted:

Update, the mod told me he deleted my post because i insulted another member.

When I pressed the mod about what the insult was, he said I called the OP a racist, and said I was a loser and I should get over it.

I told him to do his job and moderate the forum, and now I'm banned. Everyone in the thread is cheering it on. This is Trump's America.

Well I hope you learned your lesson

# ¿ Feb 18, 2017 01:15

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There are people in the comments congratulating themselves and each other for being "proven" right about choosing not to exercise

# ¿ Feb 22, 2017 20:20

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I just pretend it's one of Dr Suchongs recordings from Bioshock

# ¿ Feb 22, 2017 20:24

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Castle is OK for one episode but more than that and Castle becomes the most annoying character on TV

# ¿ Feb 28, 2017 17:01

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I feel it would have been best to call the police after that happened

# ¿ Mar 15, 2017 17:04

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Mods change my name to Possibly Asian Man

# ¿ Mar 15, 2017 17:04

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Captain Monkey posted:

Hot from the presses.

Actually it sounds like that dude DID get served

# ¿ Mar 17, 2017 22:20

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CROWS EVERYWHERE posted:

I just really want attention from boring people on the internet okay

I am here

# ¿ Mar 21, 2017 02:24

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Ashed potatoes

# ¿ Apr 11, 2017 15:26

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I could buy crying but sobbing is associated with grief and terror

# ¿ Apr 13, 2017 19:19

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How does she fit that entire name on her Starbucks name tag?

# ¿ Apr 16, 2017 18:46

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Or, alternatively, he has a daughter

# ¿ Apr 21, 2017 13:04

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St Evan Echoes posted:

Also Dwayne Johnson is bald, living, superstrong and indestructible irl so you wouldn't even need to know he's a wrestler

# ¿ Apr 22, 2017 17:23

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Like Marge!

# ¿ May 3, 2017 22:34

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I like the second one

# ¿ May 8, 2017 17:56

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Lol if you don't secretly wish your wife had a penis so you could blow her

# ¿ May 11, 2017 13:23

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Hags

# ¿ May 17, 2017 01:08

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# ¿ May 22, 2024 15:17

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Lab name change to Hannah handjob

# ¿ May 29, 2017 22:20

The Something Awful Forums > Main > Post Your Favorite: Carefully Curated > shit_that_didnt_happen.txt: I'm finding it very hard to immerse myself in the lie.

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