Winter Stormer posted:

This is just a joke. It's not even pretending to be anything else.

EmmyOk posted:

Bremma posted:

Found this one on Facebook this evening.

NotAlwaysRandom posted:

I am known as the office comedian. I work as a regular at a famous [coffee chain]. I am on the toilet daydreaming when a customer violently approaches me. Without warning the customer looks visibly angry. I start sweating profusely.

customer: I don't like gays.

*in perfect swahili* Me: "Welcome to our establishment. Sincerest apologies sir, I cannot don't like gays."

customer: "B****! You B**** You better do what I say!"

I say "Excuse me sir, this is a [coffee chain]!"

customer: "Please I just don't like gays."

I say "My apologies but as I cannot don't like gays. Sir, you're making a scene. Please leave this establishment"

customer: "I don't like what I'm hearing."

Meanwhile a short person (who happens to be white) appears from nowhere.

The person (who happens to be white) says "Off you go old white girl."

customer: "C***!!!!"

person (who happens to be white): "I am a black belt in karate.".

The customer is speechless and runs out in to the street without saying a word .

*laughing* Me: "I love you!"

Spontaneously everybody cheered. It turned out that the person (who happens to be white) was the long lost sibling of the owner of [coffee chain]. he has now inherited the [coffee chain].

NotAlwaysRandom posted:

I work at neighborhood dive as a regular.I am behind the counter when a coloured boy violently approaches me.Without warning the regular starts shouting randomly.I start sweating profusely.

regular: Please, can you give me a drink

Me: "madam this is neighborhood dive, how can I help?*blank stare* What are you talking about? I can't give you a drink."

regular: "F*****! You Dead puppies! gay!"

in perfect swahili I reply "Pardon me, madam, this is a neighborhood dive not a construction site."

regular: "I've had enough of this are you going to give me a drink or not?"

*holding back tears* Me: "WHAT?! I'm sorry but you are misinformed. I can't give you a drinkmadam, I'm going to have to ask you to leave"

regular: "I don't like what I'm hearing."

Meanwhile a muscley male marine jumps out.

The male marine says "Off you go coloured boy."

regular: "gay. What is a male marine going to about it?"

The male marine looks at the customer

The regular can't contemplate living and sprints away as fast as possible.

Me: "Thank you! Please have a free drink."

Everybody clapped.It turned out that the male marine was the long lost son of the owner of neighborhood dive. he has now inherited the neighborhood dive.

Furia posted:

Is this dada stdh? Have we reached that point already?

NotAlwaysRandom posted:

I work at [coffee chain] as a pizza deliverer. I am walking down the hall daydreaming when a Doctor Who enthusiast stops and stares at me.The girl starts muttering.We are in a poor area so we often get Doctor Who enthusiasts like this.

Doctor Who enthusiast: Can you believe that I swam 15km (around 9.3 miles) in 1 hour 5mins?

in perfect Spanish I reply "Welcome to [coffee chain] *blank stare* What are you talking about? I can't believe that you swam 15km (around 9.3 miles) in 1 hour 5mins."

Doctor Who enthusiast: "B****! You F** you just hate me because I'm a Christian!"

I reply "Beg your pardon sir, you cannot speak to me like that."

Doctor Who enthusiast: "You can't even use a computer! Believe that I swam 15km (around 9.3 miles) in 1 hour 5mins!"

I say "Sincerest apologies sir, I cannot believe that you swam 15km (around 9.3 miles) in 1 hour 5mins. If you cannot behave in a civil manner such as I am doing, you must leave this [coffee chain]"

The Doctor Who enthusiast starts shouting randomly and says "F*** O**!".

Meanwhile a short goon was walking past.

goon: "Greetings girl. I am a goon that has frequented this establishment on many occasions. I have never in my many years seen this level of rudeness from a Doctor Who enthusiast. Please do as the pizza deliverer says and vacate the premises promptly."

Doctor Who enthusiast: "Excuse me? Maybe you can believe that I swam 15km (around 9.3 miles) in 1 hour 5mins."

The goon suddenly spits on the Doctor Who enthusiast.

The Doctor Who enthusiast can't contemplate living and sprints away as fast as possible.

* deadpan* Me: "You're welcome to my undying love as a token of my deep appreciation for your help here today"

Without warning everybody cheered spontaneously. I ended up seeing the goon. We discovered she is my grandmother and have now hired her as the new pizza deliverer.

chitoryu12 posted:

Where the hell do these come from?

NotAlwaysRandom posted:

I work at [pizza chain] as a regular. I am at a table when a young girl walks through the door. Without warning the co-worker starts muttering. I smile sweetly.

coworker: Please, can you give me a kiss

I say "Saluations, madam!I can't give you a kiss"

coworker: "C***! You F*** O** I am !"

very politely I reply "Beg your pardon madam, you cannot speak to me like that."

coworker: "Just give me a kiss you ugly b****!"

I say "I am unable to comply with your request.Get outta here!"

coworker: "I don't like what I'm hearing."

Meanwhile a calm person (who happens to be white) was walking past.

in perfect french the person (who happens to be white) says "I believe the man asked you to leave."

coworker: "You don't know what you're doing. What is a person (who happens to be white) going to about it?"

person (who happens to be white): "I suck dick for a living" *starts to sing bohemian rhapsody*

The coworker is speechless and runs out in to the street without saying a word .

I reply "Thank you! Please have this voucher for 10% off your next purchase."

Without warning Everybody clapped spontaneously.I have now been in a civil union with the person (who happens to be white) for 3 years !

EmmyOk posted:

You're swift

overseer07 posted:

ghost emoji posted:

Jonas Albrecht posted:

Most of it is just stupid poo poo, like taking credit for sending an email that got something done etc. I think the best example is the time he and I were having a conversation where I mentioned a stamp on a third coworkers hand that led us to unravelling a bunch of their STDH. When he retells this story, he tells it as a conversation between himself.

Khazar-khum posted:

Friend

quote:

they still sent me a list of a few things my sister wanted for Christmas so I can buy them as her present. The usual items were on the list,, Harvest Moon DS Cute, Super Mario Galaxy, Ni GH Ts Journey of dreams... Andbut most of all she wanted a hug from her sister me.

quote:

This Troper spent years as a loner, socially awkward and romantically inept

quote:

Like many others, I had been bullied right from when I started school

quote:

As of writing, I am setting up my marriage proposal

quote:

heartwarming

quote:

Something happening out on my farm (self.Glitch_in_the_Matrix)
submitted 13 hours ago by royboyblue
I use the term "farm" loosely. Its a house on a chunk of land, with a pond and some ducks and chickens... ANYWAYS. I work outside alot so I know the lay of the land so to speak. Lately ive been noticing a weird humming noise that seems to be coming from the earth itself... like literally coming from the air just above the ground. I was out over the weekend building a chicken coop. I decided to walk down the hill to get some firewood. I turned around, took two steps and was at the bottom of the hill.
The concerning thing is that this is a distance of over 100 yards... I literally blinked and was there... I walked back very slowly and tried to focus on what happened... thats when the humming noise was most noticeable. Its almost like I walked through it and lost all sense of time and direction. A methane leak? Magnetics? I legit freaked out. My dog doesnt like walking through the area, nor do the chickens.
I dont know if this even belongs in this sub... I just needed to tell someone ha

I predicted the future posted:

This happened about 10+ years ago while I was in High School. I had a party at my house and invited all my friends. That night i barely drank because I had to watch the party and make sure people didnt get too rowdy.
As the night progresses, a buddy of mine asks me if i want to smoke a blunt with him. I turn him down, as it would require me to leave the party unattended and go outside for a bit. So he goes outside to smoke with some friends.
The party ended around 1am, and after everyone left I cleaned up and went to sleep. The entire night I maybe had 1-2 drinks, so I wasnt drunk. Here's where it gets odd.
That night i had a dream. And in that dream I walk outside and in my mothers garden. In the garden theres a flower pot. I kneel down and pickup a half smoked blunt next to the flower pot.
As i pickup the blunt, i wake up to my phone ringing. It was my friend who smoked that night. He told me he had lost the half smoked blunt (he thought he lost it inside the house) and warned me that it might be lying around somewhere. He was concerned my mom might find it.
I hung up the phone and went to the garden. Next to the flower pot was the half smoked blunt just like in my dream. Keep in mind i hadnt been drinking, nor did i accompany my friend outside when he invited me to smoke. That dream was frighting and amazing. Ive never had another one like it.

Tunicate posted:

Len posted:

Pride isn't my jam but I appreciate the fact it exists just knowing that it makes so many homophobes incredibly angry for no reason.

I mean no wait...how dare THOSE gays go out and flaunt that they're gay in public?! You never see straight folks do that.