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Howdy folks, Shinjobi here yet again with funtastic superhero movie thoughts. Just got done previewing X-Men Apocalypse, and all of the reviews you've already read were absolutely right: this movie is lazy as fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. Apocalypse is a body hopping blue dude, the first mute aunt, and is capable of tampering with any power so long as he gets a chance with it. He was buried under rubble for a bajillion years, with the only way to wake up relying on the sun hitting a golden pyramid thing that...powers...his stuff? Like, he only uses it to body hop, and wake up. Not sure why the gold pyramid is so important, but it is. And despite his cult finding his rubble, and golden triangle, somehow none of them ever let a sunbeam hit the golden pyramid doohicky until American CIA lady stumbles upon them mid-prayer. Okay, that's kinda hokey. Can't get worse, right? Actually yes. Magneto has been hiding away with new wife and daughter in Poland, having a great time working in a steel mill and being happy. One day he uses his powers to save a dude that was about to get crushed by metal. His favor is repaid by his coworkers narc-ing on him to the police, who promptly want to know why the gently caress world criminal Magneto is chilling out and being nice. Part of their investigation involves kidnapping his daughter, and holding her at bow & arrow point. That's not a joke. They come at Magneto armed with bows and arrows. Then his daughter flips out, and she's a mutant that can summon birds and poo poo, which freaks out the police and OOPS policeman accidentally let go of his fully drawn bow in fright, and WHAT ARE THE CHANCES Magneto's brand new wife and daughter are killed with the same accidental arrow. This is what drives Magneto back to murdering people and being angry all the time, and why he joins Apocalypse: because a dude somehow accidentally shot a bow & arrow in the perfect way to kill two people with one draw. Charles Xavier challenges Apocalypse to a fight in the MINDREALM and punches the hell out of him for a few rounds and it's really cool for a while. Also Apocalypse wants to body hop to Charles because he can talk to everyone with his mind and Apocalypse is intensely interested in brainwashing the masses. The body hop is canceled halfway by Jean Grey, but the influx of Apocapower into Xavier, ever so briefly, causes Xavier to lose all of his hair. Apocalypse made Charles bald. Wolverine has a cameo. He kills some dudes, then gets creepy with young Jean Grey after she recovers some of his memories. He escapes Stryker's base and runs off into the snowy wilderness clad in a pair of shorts. Also that stupid speech you hear from Mystique in all the trailers/commercials is like...the last thing you hear the movie. Thankfully. Quicksilver is still cool. Alright I'm done. Apocalypse was better than BvS, but after First Class and Days of Future Past this movie felt so goddamned dumb and badly written than I wanted to cry. Charles had a STRONG hair game going on up til this point, I will miss it dearly. EDIT: here have this https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bSuvOVH0aSQ
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May 26, 2016 10:27
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| # ? Apr 29, 2024 04:48 |
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holy moley but is that some words about some dumb poo poo
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May 26, 2016 10:28
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Iron Prince posted:holy moley but is that some words about some dumb poo poo It is a lot of dumb text, I admit.
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May 26, 2016 10:29
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bill pozzme
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May 26, 2016 10:30
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Whoa it was bad?
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May 26, 2016 10:31
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So I was right to stick with the cartoons
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May 26, 2016 10:42
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Hunh. It sounds much better than the trailer made it look.
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May 26, 2016 12:30
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did yhey put the leroy jenkins joke in the movie
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May 26, 2016 12:37
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Is it worth 25 but for me and the missus to see though?
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May 26, 2016 12:51
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arent superhero movies for children now
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May 26, 2016 12:51
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I knew this before I even saw the movie. In fact I didnt even know there was another xmen movie and I still knew it was disappointing.
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May 26, 2016 12:52
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Sintax posted:I knew this before I even saw the movie. In fact I didnt even know there was another xmen movie and I still knew it was disappointing. you are wise beyond your years
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May 26, 2016 12:54
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intersting 
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May 26, 2016 12:59
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But... I still get to see naked Mystique and 80s Sansa, right?
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May 26, 2016 13:00
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When does Wolverine get into the action?
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May 26, 2016 21:01
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x din give it to me
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May 26, 2016 21:07
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the fundamental axioms of the comic book movie genre are irredeemably stupid
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May 26, 2016 21:09
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im the juggletot bench
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May 26, 2016 21:09
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do we FINALLY get to see wolverines donger???
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May 26, 2016 21:09
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 j/k
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May 26, 2016 21:10
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Why have they not just done a Quicksilver movie?
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May 26, 2016 21:11
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more like x-men:asuckalypse. two thumbs down!!!
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May 26, 2016 21:12
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Is this the film with the hot chicks in skin tight body suits?
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May 26, 2016 21:13
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ButteCysts posted:arent superhero movies for children now
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May 26, 2016 21:14
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Cthulu Carl posted:But... I still get to see naked Mystique and 80s Sansa, right? Is that Jennifer Lawrence? Pass...
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May 26, 2016 21:15
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Shinjobi posted:Apocalypse is a body hopping blue dude lol at all of this
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May 26, 2016 21:15
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man it sure seems based on all these super hero threads about super hero films in GBS that super hero movies are just well darn they aren't very good any more or so it would seem to me based on all of the gbs threads about super hero movies with titles such as This Movies is Sucks my Dick in A Bad Way: Batman vs Superman and Holy gently caress I Want to Kill Myself for Having Wasted 2 Hours of My Life Watching Transformers 5 or Whatever the Last One Was and now this one about X Men I guess
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May 26, 2016 21:16
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transformers 5 is going to be amazing i heard you get to see bumblebee's donger
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May 26, 2016 21:19
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my mutant power is finding bald men sexually attractive
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May 26, 2016 21:19
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i will get high and watch loving anything and go man that was cool except dances with wolves which ive never been able to stay awake through
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May 26, 2016 21:20
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Is Magneto's daughter supposed to be Scarlet Witch or is just another daughter so they could off her? I'm lolling if in the Avenger's universe, NotMutant Quicksilver gets pointlessly killed for not being fast, and in the X-men universe, NotAvenger Scarlet Witch is impaled with her mother. This is how we solve character rights disputes.
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May 26, 2016 21:20
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i could only make it through half of SPECTRE last night before turning it off james brond dropped the ball on that one
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May 26, 2016 21:24
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But are there any cute butts in it?
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May 26, 2016 21:26
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not seeing this trash movie as it belongs in the garbage with apple products and Grover the Grouch from sesam street
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May 26, 2016 21:27
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numberoneposter posted:transformers 5 is going to be amazing Again? Dude's donger is old news. We saw him "Lubricate" in the first film.
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May 26, 2016 21:32
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JiveHonky posted:not seeing this trash movie as it belongs in the garbage with apple products and Grover the Grouch from sesam street um it's snuffleupagus that's a grouch stupid
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May 26, 2016 21:33
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VendaGoat posted:Again? Dude's donger is old news. We saw him "Lubricate" in the first film.
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May 26, 2016 21:33
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I OFTEN TIMES FIND MYSELF MASTURBATING AND LAUGHINGHYSTIERCALLY WHILE SHOUTING GET OUT OF MY HEAD CHARLES due to the fukin cia presence on this forum ty fattuccine and rufus
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May 26, 2016 21:35
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wacky tacky kathy posted:I OFTEN TIMES FIND MYSELF MASTURBATING AND LAUGHINGHYSTIERCALLY WHILE SHOUTING GET OUT OF MY HEAD CHARLES Oh god damnit. Dare is that you?
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May 26, 2016 21:38
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| # ? Apr 29, 2024 04:48 |
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Does Apocalypse look stupid?
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May 26, 2016 21:41
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