Shinjobi posted:

Howdy folks, Shinjobi here yet again with funtastic superhero movie thoughts. Just got done previewing X-Men Apocalypse, and all of the reviews you've already read were absolutely right: this movie is lazy as fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.


Apocalypse is a body hopping blue dude, the first mute aunt, and is capable of tampering with any power so long as he gets a chance with it. He was buried under rubble for a bajillion years, with the only way to wake up relying on the sun hitting a golden pyramid thing that...powers...his stuff? Like, he only uses it to body hop, and wake up. Not sure why the gold pyramid is so important, but it is. And despite his cult finding his rubble, and golden triangle, somehow none of them ever let a sunbeam hit the golden pyramid doohicky until American CIA lady stumbles upon them mid-prayer.

Okay, that's kinda hokey. Can't get worse, right? Actually yes. Magneto has been hiding away with new wife and daughter in Poland, having a great time working in a steel mill and being happy. One day he uses his powers to save a dude that was about to get crushed by metal. His favor is repaid by his coworkers narc-ing on him to the police, who promptly want to know why the gently caress world criminal Magneto is chilling out and being nice. Part of their investigation involves kidnapping his daughter, and holding her at bow & arrow point. That's not a joke. They come at Magneto armed with bows and arrows. Then his daughter flips out, and she's a mutant that can summon birds and poo poo, which freaks out the police and OOPS policeman accidentally let go of his fully drawn bow in fright, and WHAT ARE THE CHANCES Magneto's brand new wife and daughter are killed with the same accidental arrow. This is what drives Magneto back to murdering people and being angry all the time, and why he joins Apocalypse: because a dude somehow accidentally shot a bow & arrow in the perfect way to kill two people with one draw.

Charles Xavier challenges Apocalypse to a fight in the MINDREALM and punches the hell out of him for a few rounds and it's really cool for a while. Also Apocalypse wants to body hop to Charles because he can talk to everyone with his mind and Apocalypse is intensely interested in brainwashing the masses. The body hop is canceled halfway by Jean Grey, but the influx of Apocapower into Xavier, ever so briefly, causes Xavier to lose all of his hair. Apocalypse made Charles bald.


Wolverine has a cameo. He kills some dudes, then gets creepy with young Jean Grey after she recovers some of his memories. He escapes Stryker's base and runs off into the snowy wilderness clad in a pair of shorts.


Also that stupid speech you hear from Mystique in all the trailers/commercials is like...the last thing you hear the movie. Thankfully. Quicksilver is still cool.



Alright I'm done. Apocalypse was better than BvS, but after First Class and Days of Future Past this movie felt so goddamned dumb and badly written than I wanted to cry. Charles had a STRONG hair game going on up til this point, I will miss it dearly.

EDIT: here have this

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bSuvOVH0aSQ